Then there was the time I reviewed Jack and Jill drunk out of my mind.
Below is the review. Oh, crap I'm a mod so I better think of a thread topic. Let's try two. What is one of the worst movies you have seen (don't be SO EDGY and post a popular movie unless you REALLY mean it please).
Also, what do you do when faced with a bad move (and you can't turn it off or go away from it, smartasses)?
Okay, here is the review. Oh wait, context! This was on a site I used to write for. You can't find them officially on the internet anymore, but can if you use the Wayback Machine.
Okay, now review time.
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TITLE: Jack and Jill
STARRING: Adam Sandler, Katie Holmes, Al Pacino
DIRECTOR: Dennis Dugan
STUDIO: Happy Madison Productions, Columbia Pictures
RATED: PG
RUN TIME: 93 min
RELEASED: November 11, 2011
Eric, the site founder and my friend wanted me to see this piece of s***. I refused. However, he was determined to have me watch Adam Sandler’s latest opus. Obviously, I watched this “movie” and saw it. Why? Eric was convinced that me seeing this waste of film would make a great Bottom of the Bottle feature. He even paid for my ticket. I just came from seeing this “film,” and I am still drunk. Eric doesn’t care. He wanted a Bottom of the Bottle review. He is a terrible friend. So here it is. I am so sorry, this review is already terribly written. I can’t help it. Jack and Jill was so poorly made, that I don’t even want to try.
Some of you may have read my rant on The Zookeeper a few months ago. That movie is a godsend compared to the travesty I have just seen. Look, I realize that Adam Sandler wasn’t aiming to win any Oscars, but seriously, even he could do better than this. Let me get this out of the way right now — I actually am not that annoyed by Adam Sandler movies. In fact, I enjoy Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. Yeah, yeah…they aren’t great movies when compared to other comedies. Having said that, they at least made me laugh and care about the plights of the characters.
Flash forward years later, and Adam Sandler has finally cracked and gone the Eddie Murphy route. That’s right, he is playing more than one role in this “movie.” Hey! YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S FUNNY?! ADAM SANDLER IN DRAG!! Seriously, Jack and Jill are twins, and every aspect of this film relies on laughter coming from the fact that Adam Sandler is dressing is drag. That’s it. Some of you reading this might say, “Well, no s***!” However, at least my other Bottom of the Bottle reviews were covering movies that actually had something going on! At least they had effort!
So, regular Adam Sandler plays some sort of advertising asshole named Jack. Dunkin’ Donuts, one of Jack’s clients, wants Al Pacino to star in a commercial about Duncaccinos. It’s funny because it sounds like cappuccino…and Pacino! You get the joke? However, it is nearing Thanksgiving, and Jack’s annoying twin sister Jill is coming to visit!
I seriously wish I had something past this point, but there is no point. I could write about anything else in this space, and it would make no difference. Why? Because there is no real plot or continuity at all. The first main scene is this awkward dinner skit that spirals down into a tailspin quicker than the worst Saturday Night Live sketch of the last 15 years. I suppose that makes sense, because a lot of out of work or retired SNL members make pointless cameos throughout Jack and Jill.
Hey, Katie Holmes is in this movie. Did you know that? The entire time she wants to shoot herself. I’m not making a joke. You can clearly see the gun concealed at her waist the entire time. Seriously, the best joke this movie can come up with during this dinner sequence is that Jack’s adopted kid taped stuff to his body. Even if I was sober that trout would sound like I was drunk.
Okay, let’s pause for a second. You want to know how I knew this movie was going to suck besides the obvious? Not far from where Eric and I were sitting, a normal family was just a few seats down from us. They had three kids with them and a couple of them were getting unruly. The father’s solution? He threatened to kick the kids out of the theater and make them walk home. These people were laughing throughout this entire film.
There was barely anything that happened that was remotely funny. In fact, the theater I was in had way too many people as it is, and they were all laughing. See, I got pretty lit up before we went to the movie, and for some strange reason, the more it started to hit me, the more I wanted to fight every single person in the theater to death. I’m not kidding. Eric kept on telling me to chill out, but these smurfing mouthbreathers were laughing at Adam Sandler in drag and I wanted to murder everyone in the room. I’m normally a peaceful person too!
Okay, I hear you. I’m not talking about the movie. I am just ranting. Well, what do you expect? This movie had one simple plot that only was focused on for 25 percent of the movie. Al Pacino, as himself, wanted to win the heart of Jill. I guess those of you out there who always wanted to see Adam Sandler and Al Pacino together finally got your wish. Anyway, Jack’s Mexican gardener wants Jill too, but all he does is make immigrant jokes. IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE SOME MEXICANS CROSS THE BORDER INTO THE US!
Anyway, Sandler tries to make the universe collapse on itself by dressing as Jill to convince Al Pacino to do the Duncan Donuts commercial. You see, Pacino wants Jill, but — SHOCKING SWERVE — Jill doesn’t find Pacino appealing. Pacino told Jack he would do the commercial if Jack can hook him up with Jill. Since Jill won’t play ball, we get to see Adam Sandler pretend that he’s a woman…in a movie where he is already pretending to be a woman.
This reminds me of why Danny Glover can’t ever open a glove box. Did that make sense? No? Good, then you get how I felt throughout this whole film.
Anyway, eventually Jack learns the value of family, and convinces Jill she should abort a vampire. The vampire swiftly flies out of her vagina and rapes everyone in the bar they are in at the end of the movie. Yeah, so I am making s*** up, but I bet you really thought that happened. Seriously, I got nothing. I’m not being lazy. I swear…this movie gave me nothing to work with, so why should I even try?
trout, even Rob Schneider didn’t want to be in the movie! His name was mentioned, but he was conspicuously absent. You know what? I bet he was supposed to be the f***ing gardener. Seriously, it seems like in just about every Adam Sandler movie, or in his own movies, he plays some sort of minority because, you know, minorities are funny…I guess. Point is, ROB SCHNEIDER turned this movie down. Think about that.
So where was I? Oh yeah, don’t see this movie unless you want to be stuck in a dark room full of the stupidest people in this country. Seriously, I didn’t expect my theater to be as full as it was. I know I already mentioned all this, but the WHOLE THEATER was laughing. This wasn’t normal laughter. They were seriously laughing at characters making barnyard animal sounds. There was even a bum in this film that enters a scene, leaves, and is only heard from in quick cutaway gags here and there. And you know what? THEY ALL LAUGHED. Even the bum was bored of the very film he was in…and they laughed!
F*** it. Hey, maybe the nukes should have all hit us in the ’80s, because at least films like these would have never been made! Oh, and the best part? You know that slurry, lispy voice Adam Sandler puts on for all of his characters? Yeah, that’s what his female twin sounds like. Even if you were born in 2005, this would be very old news.
Eric may have paid for the movie, but I feel like I lost two hours of my life. Yeah, you all have heard that punchline before, but I would have rather had my balls smashed into a fine liquid and forced to drink them than rather see a movie like this. Even if you thought about watching this movie you should be publicly executed.
Long story short, I didn’t like the movie. Don’t see it.
RATING: THEY ALL LAUGHED--WHY???/10
