Shack him! Watch as he comes crashing through thin ice!
So, Arnold Schwarznegger made three very bad (yet interesting) adventure films in the mid 80's.
Personally I hate these movies so much that I've actually grown to like 'em a lot, monstreous I know.
These are the movies:
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Conan: The Barbarian.
John Milius's jingoistic direction and pulpy screenplay fit perfectly into this film version of the Robert E. Howard fantasy story of the sword and sorcery hero, Conan the Barbarian. Complementing Mulius's heavy metal production is Arnold Schwarzenegger's leaden acting, which in any other context would be deadly, but here (as in The Terminator) corresponds nicely with the whole sonorous project. The story begins when a horde of rampaging warriors massacre the parents of young Conan and enslave the young child for years on The Wheel of Pain. The Wheel of Pain seems to have as its only purpose the building up of Conan's muscles, so it's no surprise that one day Conan grows up to become Arnold Schwarzenegger. As the sole survivor of the childhood massacre, Conan is released from slavery and taught the ancient arts of fighting. Transforming himself into a killing machine, Conan travels into the wilderness to seek vengeance on Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones), the man responsible for killing his family. In the wilderness, Conan takes up with the thieves Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) and Subota (Gerry Lopez). The trio comes upon a weird snake cult, linked to Doom, and Conan wants to trek off to Doom's mountain retreat to kill him. But he is prevented from doing that by King Osrik (Max Von Sydow), who wants the trio of warriors to help rescue his daughter who has joined Doom in the hills.
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Conan: The Destroyer.
Based on a character created by Robert E. Howard, this fast-paced, occasionally humorous sequel to Conan the Barbarian features the hero (Arnold Schwarzenegger) as he is commissioned by the evil queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) to safely escort a teen princess (Olivia D'Abo) and her powerful bodyguard (Wilt Chamberlain) to a far away castle to retrieve the magic Horn of Dagon. Unknown to Conan, the queen plans to sacrifice the princess when she returns and inherit her kingdom after the bodyguard kills Conan. The queen's plans fail to take into consideration Conan's strength and cunning and the abilities of his sidekicks: the eccentric wizard Akiro (Mako), the wild woman Zula (Grace Jones), and the inept Malak (Tracey Walter). Together the hero and his allies must defeat both mortal and supernatural foes in this voyage to sword-and-sorcery land.
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Red Sonja.
Despite the appearance of America's favorite bodybuilding governor as an exact replica of his Conan role (save for his character's name), there's very little that's worthwhile in Dino de Laurentiis' bucket of medieval slop Red Sonja. Never mind that Brigitte Nielsen had never acted before — the real question is: did anyone involved ever make a movie before? The sets are comically poor as are all of the junk- store characters, starting with one of the most annoying child performances of all time — Ernie Reyes Jr.! While the movie is less extreme than the first Conan flick, it's far more brutal than its lame-brained sequel, Destroyer, making it baffling why the filmmakers felt the need to have a little brat in there chewing up scene after scene in only the way his shrill voice could. Not only that, but the flick is flat out, drop dead boring! There's zero life to it, which isn't helped by the recycled score that's nowhere to be seen where the action needs it most. A perfect product of rotten '80s cinema, Red Sonja might seem like a fun one to revisit, but don't be surprised if you start to regret it once Arnold starts doing the bucking bronco on top of the chintzy mechanical dragon (which sadly isn't half as hilarious as it should be). Maybe if you play it on fast-forward it may become more digestible, but probably not. The film is best viewed in 20-minute increments with the promise of a trophy waiting for you when you get to the end credits.
Any opinion/thougts on these movies?
Which one is your favorite?
