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So I met this girl the other week at a party and we were talking and it turned out that we had a lot in common, y'know. I mean, she liked open source software and I liked open source software and I liked anime and she liked anime so we were joking around a bit and I jokingly suggested we go for a cup of coffee (I don't drink coffee) and to MY COMPLETE SHOCK AND AWE she said sure! Naturally, I didn't know what to do because I had never been alone with a girl before (due to my taste for anime and open source software).
Now, I should probably preface what this whole thing with a little background information. My dad owns the local news talk radio station, and I'm always over at the main office and as such a get a crapload of station merchandise. So I was at that party wearing nothing but this radio station's merchandise. I mean, the guy at the promotions department (Mark Shamblin) is a real nut and my dad keeps saying he wants to fire him but he never does. I found out a few weeks ago that they keep this huge room full of defective merch in the basement floor. It usually happens when Mark orders like 500 shirts with a typo on them. My dad yells "MARK YOU ASSHOLE" and they just shove them in the basement and I guess donate them to the salvation army or something. So I was there wearing not only the WGO t-shirt (under and over), but the pants, underwear, socks, shoelaces, ball cap, windbreaker, and gloves. What can I say it was cold out.
On the way out I knocked into this guy holding a huge box of something and he looked kind of drunk and kind of like he was going to beat me up. I suggested to the girl that if we were to leave we'd best do it immediately. So we found this coffee shop and again I was FREAKING OUT y'know because she's got boobs and stuff. So I just decided to ask her like the normal date questions. Y'know, what's your favorite anime (mine's DBZ 'cuz Sailor Moon SUCKS), what's your favorite anime character (Goku DUH), and stuff like that. Now, I don't drink coffee because it gives me gas, but she did so I felt I had to have some. I guess I was a little overzealous trying to impress her because I downed like six cafe lattes. She looked like of uncomfortable.
So we spent like an hour there talking about GIMP and Sourceforge and I can tell you RIGHT NOW that I was absolutely falling in love with this girl. She was the pinnacle of human achievement. I felt that if she had said "come on let's go get married and live in Japan and watch anime together until we're old and grey" then I would do it in a heartbeat. Things were going THAT well.
So eventually it got pretty late and we decided to go home. Together. I was about to wet my pants. My parents were away for the weekend and my stupid brother could be bribed to bugger off and it would be SO PERFECT. She forgot her jacket at the party, so we decided to go back and get it on our way.
Now there's this guy named Chris, and he does weird stuff all the time. I guess that guy holding the box was coming back from the store where he bought a box full of candles. Chris then got some people to help him set them all up out in the backyard in the emptied swimming pool so they could hold a vigil for all the people that died in all the wars everywhere...or something like that. I dunno, I guess he just wanted to set up a crapload of candles everywhere.
So somehow my girl's jacket made its way down to the deep end of the pool with all the candles and crap. DAMMIT! There were people and candles everywhere and I just wanted to get home! She was creeped out by all the stuff so I played the valiant savior and climbed down the metal ladder and made my way to the deep end without disturbing anything. The jacket was one of those girly ones, I don't know how else to explain it. Hopefully more than a couple of you have seen a girl recently and know what I'm talking about.
So I scooped up the jacket and turned around to make my way out with my prize. Unluckilly for me, the massive thing that I bumped into upon my return trip to my darling love was the massive thing that I bumped into earlier when he was carrying a box. He didn't look happy with me.
I think the only lucky thing that happened to me that night from that point forward was the fact that he only decided to punch me in the stomach and not to beat me to a complete pulp.
I laid there at the bottom of that pool for what seemed at the time like hours, but was actually something like thirty seconds. Around me, the party raged on. Some people were dancing, some were off making out somewhere, many were stationed in the pool engaged in some form of mock meditation. Everything went by in this vicious slow motion that seeped its way into my brain in some way that only made sense at the time. I could vaguely see my girl talking to some other guy, and laughing at his jokes which I'm sure weren't as good as mine. After a few seconds I felt a faint gurgling in my lower intestine. I didn't make the connection right away, but you're probably sitting in your little computer chair, nodding away and smiling at my misfortune.
I was able to hold everything in while I worked up the strength to get by breath back, but as I witnessed my girl (MY GIRL) walking off with that jerk who was talking to her, all of the rage in the world then coursed through me. I could feel myself going SSJ. Pretty soon my hair could be a golden yellow, and I would be exploding with the energy of a thousand suns. I could shoot fireballs at that jerk who was stealing my girl, and I'd take her back and everybody would live happilly ever after.
But of course that feeling wasn't me turning into a super saiyan. It was just the gas from the coffee. And at that moment it all came flooding out like the mightiest tornado. It made what I was assured later was the loudest noise in the world.
Now there's this myth that farts are flammable and that you'd be able to light one given the opportunity. Now, I had never had the opportunity nor the inclination to test this theory, so it did come as a great surprise to me when the candle behind me blew up in a blaze of flatulence. However, the OTHER thing that surprised me was when I found out just WHY the WGO Radio merchandise I was wearing had been discarded. It didn't have anything to do with any typo, but actually with some fire safety codes that it was breaking. It turns out that Mr. Shamblin had made some deals with this manufacturing company but ALL of their stuff was highly illegal because of its extreme flammability.
Being completely on fire isn't all that bad, I guess. Well, it's very scary, but it doesn't hurt as much as you'd think. No, the REAL pain comes later. It's more of a DROWNING feeling, if you know what I mean. I tried the old stop/drop/roll trick, except I was already stopped and dropped, and there were candles all over the ground with metal bases that stuck into me whenever I rolled over anywhere.
There were a few people trying to help me, but mostly everyone was laughing too much I guess. I dunno, I was screaming too loudly to hear what anyone else was doing. I guess no one got the idea to turn some water on me, even though I was in a ING POOL, but whatever. I eventually burned out, but my clothes had reduced to a pile of crumbling ash layered on my body. After a while (I guess they were waiting until all of the drugs and alcohol were hidden first) somebody called 9-1-1 and I got picked up and taken to the hospital. I was treated for first degree burns on my shoulders and stomach, and lesser burns on my legs. I was told that it was worse on my upper body because I had been wearing two shirts.
So I just got home tonight, and in unpacking my stuff from the hospital, I found THE GIRL'S JACKET! And I didn't even get her number! And now it's Tuesday morning and I'm really depressed and lonely and my feet smell from wearing hospital slippers all week.
Can anyone recommend any good foot deodorizers for this purpose?
