Dear John, Generator.

Dear John,

By the time you read this, I'll be blowing your best friend. I'm sorry for doing this but, it fulfills my sadistic fantasies. I know this might comes as a bit of a answered prayer to you - especially because you're an emotional cripple. But I'm sorry – I just need freedom. I think you're totally keen, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Leo, and I'm sensitive. You like long walks on the beach, you eat noisily, and enjoy quilting, and I don't like one of these things. Your favorite movie is The Bare Wench Project, and your favorite band is N SYNCH. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "White". Anyway, I want to date the first drunk barfly who'll talk to me. But you know what? I still want to be acquaintances. We can totally live on opposite coasts . We had some good times, or so you told me . But please, don't worry like last time. That means no clawing your face. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the $37,229 you owe me, or the fact that you totaled my car. So take care of yourself - and enjoy prison.

Sincerely,

Chris

P.S. Your box is nasty stank.

Your Dear John, letter here!

so THAT's how she wrote me that :whimper:

Okay, I could have really used this letter when I was dumping my first two boyfriends. Man-skanks the lot of them! :D

Dear Gonorrhea Geyser,

By the time you read this, I'll be servicing your sister. I'm sorry for doing this but, it fulfills my sadistic fantasies. I know this might comes as a bit of a shock to you - especially because you're an emotional cripple. But I'm sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're a psychopath, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Republican, and I'm vastly superior to you. You like watching TV, you eat noisily, and enjoy flea markets, and I don't like any of these things. Your favorite movie is Patch Adams, and your favorite band is Jefferson Starship. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Nuke me some smurfing hash browns!". Anyway, I want to date the first drunk barfly who'll talk to me. But you know what? I still want to be friends of a friend. We can totally forget the other is alive . We had some good times, or so you told me . But please, don't be bitter like last time. That means no botched suicide attempts. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the you owe me, or the fact that you totaled my car. So take care of yourself - and choke on your own vomit.

Eat [img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img],

Ben

P.S. It’s barely 4 inches - much less six.

THis actually sounds like the break-up letter I wrote to Ashley. ZOMG.

Dear Johanna,

By the time you read this, I'll be maxing out your Visa. I'm sorry for doing this but, OK, I'm really not. I know this might comes as a bit of a answered prayer to you - especially because you're such a materialistic self-absorbed bitch. But I'm sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're a psychopath, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Republican, and I'm vastly superior to you. You like declawed rodentia colonics, you eat mayonnaise-based salads, and enjoy quilting, and I don't like any of these things. Your favorite movie is I Spit on Your Grave, and your favorite band is The Partridge Family. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Nuke me some smurfing hash browns!". Anyway, I want to date someone with the same sticky groinal parts as me. But you know what? I still want to be stalked. We can totally have hot sloppy booty calls . We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I'm passed out) . But please, don't get all John Wayne Gacy like last time. That means no spiteful genital tattoos. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the $37,229 you owe me, or the fact that you punched my grandmother. So take care of yourself - and irrigate that chancre.

Peace Out,

Evelyne

P.S. I faked every orgasm.

Dear JELL-O Ass,

By the time you read this, I'll be maxing out your Visa. I'm sorry for doing this but, OK, I'm really not. I know this might comes as a bit of a brain aneurysm to you - especially because you're such a materialistic self-absorbed bitch. But I'm sorry – I just need freedom. I think you're a schmuck, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Republican, and I'm vastly superior to you. You like long walks on the beach, you eat endangered species, and enjoy televised sports, and I don't like confessing my love for any of these things. Your favorite movie is Glitter, and your favorite band is The Partridge Family. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Nuke me some smurfing hash browns!". Anyway, I want to date everyone at your firm. But you know what? I still want to be dead to you. We can totally have hot sloppy booty calls . We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I'm passed out) . But please, don't be bitter like last time. That means no holding my parents hostage. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the you owe me, or the fact that you auctioned our love child. So take care of yourself - and O.D. on Botox.

Eat [img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img],

G.G.

P.S. It’s barely 4 inches - much less six.




And I laughed my ass off the whole time I was composing this...!

Dear B***h,

By the time you read this, I'll be servicing your sister. I'm sorry for doing this but, it fulfills my sadistic fantasies. I know this might comes as a bit of a surprise to you - especially because I've been hiding at the bottom of a jug of Gallo. But I'm sorry – I just need a change. I think you're swell, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Scientologist, and I'm beyond that. You like long walks on the beach, you eat noisily, and enjoy Aqua Velva, and I don't like one of these things. Your favorite movie is Anything Steven Segal, and your favorite band is Whitesnake. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Round". Anyway, I want to date an entire troupe of Chippendales. But you know what? I still want to be stalked. We can totally talk once a year . We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I'm passed out) . But please, don't despair like last time. That means no committing arson. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the you owe me, or the fact that you punched my grandmother. So take care of yourself - and irrigate that chancre.

Peace Out,

Monica

P.S. Your box is nasty stank.

Yeah, and thats the end of that.

Dear Passive Aggressive Closet Case,

By the time you read this, I'll be servicing your sister. I'm sorry for doing this but, OK, I'm really not. I know this might comes as a bit of a brain aneurysm to you - especially because you're an emotional cripple. But I'm sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're a psychopath, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Scientologist, and I'm vastly superior to you. You like leather harnesses, you eat with your feet, and enjoy Aqua Velva, and I don't like two of these things. Your favorite movie is Glitter, and your favorite band is Rammstein. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Nuke me some smurfing hash browns!". Anyway, I want to date an entire troupe of Chippendales. But you know what? I still want to be friends of a friend. We can totally file restraining orders . We had some good times, or so you told me . But please, don't be bitter like last time. That means no spiteful genital tattoos. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the $5,000 you owe me, or the fact that you dissected my Dalmatian. So take care of yourself - and O.D. on Botox.

Peace Out,

eternal essence

P.S. Your box is nasty stank.

boredom be gone

Dear General Chat,

By the time you read this, this thread will be closed. I'm sorry for doing this but, OK, I'm really not. I know this might comes as a bit of a brain aneurysm to you - especially because you're an emotional cripple. But I'm sorry – I just need some better threads happening.

Peace Out,

~ Leeza