Fanfic/prequel/school project

i am writing a prequel for ff8 for my englisj project at school and i wanted to hear your feedback because im not sure if it is good enough
(i will post the fisrt paprgraph only becasue that is the only part i have sorted out properly) it is about the sorceress wars and how ellone gets kidnapped(baisicly im filing in the gaps from the game it a kind of what if? kinda thing)hope u like it BTW THIS IS MY OWN WORK JUST IN CASE SOME OF U THINK I STLOE THIS PIECE OF WRITNG FROM SOME SITE

:choc: :moomba:

(IM NOT SURE IF THE YEAR IS ACURATE SO DONT SCRUNTINISE ME FOR THAT)

The year is 1556 and the sorceress war is ever raging and has no sign of a halt in the foreseeable future. Adel, the president and sorceress of the technoligical wonder that is Esthar, yet dictator would be a more fitting word for this 14 foot tall abomination. At first glance you would think Adel to be a man, but actuall she is a decendant of the great god hyne who passed her powers on to Adel,drove to insanity by her amazing power Adel rules by striking fear into the hearts of the people of Esthar,she unlike anything you would see in any civilised community. Small flaming red eyes, amane of blood red hair teid in a pony tail to her waist, skin as white as fresh untouched snow but scarred with tribal markings on her twisted face,a long pitch black robe falling to the floor from the waist of this pure evil being, along with a sash emblazoned with flames,talon like fingers protrude out of the hands like small plates.But there is a flaw amongst all this evil and hate,Adel does not know how to love and this will be her downfall for only one who has love in his heart can put a stop to this reign of tyranous misery.................

Quote:

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Originally Posted by muzzer

(IM NOT SURE IF THE YEAR IS ACURATE SO DONT SCRUNTINISE ME FOR THAT)

The year is 1556 and the sorceress war is ever raging and has no sign of a halt in the foreseeable future. Adel, the president and sorceress of the technoligical wonder that is Esthar, yet dictator would be a more fitting word for this 14 foot tall abomination. At first glance you would think Adel to be a man, but actuall she is a decendant of the great god hyne who passed her powers on to Adel,drove to insanity by her amazing power Adel rules by striking fear into the hearts of the people of Esthar,she unlike anything you would see in any civilised community. Small flaming red eyes, amane of blood red hair teid in a pony tail to her waist, skin as white as fresh untouched snow but scarred with tribal markings on her twisted face,a long pitch black robe falling to the floor from the waist of this pure evil being, along with a sash emblazoned with flames,talon like fingers protrude out of the hands like small plates.But there is a flaw amongst all this evil and hate,Adel does not know how to love and this will be her downfall for only one who has love in his heart can put a stop to this reign of tyranous misery.................

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drove should be driven
civilised should be civilized
teid, I'm sure was just a typo
Is this how you want us to help or what?

There are two things that I think would probably help.

First: Find a spell-checking program and use it. If you can, find a friend to edit your story for you, too. This friend will be very helpful.

Second: I think you should focus less on giving an overview on the situation, such as just describing Adel and starting with the year, and focus more on giving details, and a plot. Reveal things like Adel's tyranny, inability to love and so on through the story. Try to focus on telling it through the characters. Physical description should probably be only told where it really enhances what you're going for--if you're writing a part where Adel is meant to be intimidating, say, you might want to note that she's huge.

That might just be stylistic, but I think it'll help. In addition, you should seriously consider removing things like 'you' outside of dialogue. Try not to tell the reader what they should believe.

A few important things that would help us, is knowing how long this is supposed to be (or is planned to be), and what style / narration you are writing in.

...and you may want to check the spelling.