Chuck Norris followed by Vin Diesel
I dont like either of these guys but this one-liners had me litterally fallin out of my my chair. The Vin ones were originally posted by RPJesus here at eoff
Philosophers sometimes discuss the idea of an 'unstopable force' hitting an 'imovable object'.This has only happened once in recorded history, when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Vin Diesel for stealing his waffles. Due to the enormous amounts of energy released in the ensuing explosion, Antartica is now a lifeless wasteland.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
-Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
-Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
-Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
-Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big I'm an idiot theory of space-time".
-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
-The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
-Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
-Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
-Chuck Norris scored a touchdown in hockey. The extra point was good.
-Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
-As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
-To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
-A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
-Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
-Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
-Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
-If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the Bubb Rubb down.
-Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
-Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
-According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
-Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.
-Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
-At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
-Vin Diesel is an anagram of "I end lives"
-Vin Diesel was once refused a meal because his lunch ticket wasexpired. Rumors are, Atlantis sunk the same day.
-As a child Vin Diesel was left for the afternoon with a pile of legobricks and some open ground. That area is now known as The Great Wall of China and is visible from space.
-Vin Diesel invented cancer because he was tired of killing off peopleone by one.
-At The Battle of Thermopylae, hundreds of thousands of Persians wereheld back by 299 Spartans and Vin Diesel. The Spartans were quickly defeated when Vin Diesel grew bored and left to find something shiny.
-Vin Diesel was born and fathered by himself.
-Vin Diesel is bald because even his hair is afraid of him.
-Vin Diesel tried out for the part of Frodo in the Lord of the Ringsmovie but was told he was too tall for the part. So he tried out foranother part and got the part of the Balrog of Moria.
-Vin Diesel is the only person in history to successfully cancel hisAOL subscription on the first call.
-Vin diesel collects his skin as dust and sells it to Nasa to coat thespace shuttle exteriors.
-Vin Diesel beat God in an arm wrestling contest for all the souls of mankind.
-Vin Diesel's chest hair is used as a kevlar substitute in police vests. -Contrary to popular belief, Vin Diesel was actually in charge of the Manhattan project. When a test bomb went off and destroyed every bit of refined nuclear material collected until that point, Vin Diesel gotso angry he swam to Hiroshima and killed 80,000 people.
-Vin Diesel has been known to sellotape C4 to Tortoises and use them asa cheap alternative to hand grenades.
-Diesel is, in fact, the real son of God. He didn't need the extraattention, so he found a drugged out hippie named Jesus to take hisplace. Thousands of years later, Vin found out about Jesus'crucifixion. He simply laughed.
-Vin Diesel taught Jesus how to take it like a man.
-Vin Diesel grows magic mushrooms in his backyard which, when eaten,cause the consumer to swell dramatically in size and strength. Vin'smushrooms were used as the inspiration for the Mario series of videogames. Vin cannot use them himself, however, since getting anystronger would cause the universe to shatter.
-Vin Diesel eats coal, s diamonds, and then sells the diamonds tobuy more coal.
-Give Vin Diesel a fish, and feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish,and the marine life of the Earth's oceans will be destroyed within the week.
-Vin Diesel cannot say a false statement. If he does, the universechanges around him until his statement is true. This may sound ridiculous, but ask your grandparents about when rocks used to float and there were the United States of Soapy Water.
-Vin Diesel is the only person in History to be born fully clothed.
