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Attention, idiots: Nintendo is your savior. All you need to do is have someone read this confusing, videogame-related stuff to you four or five times very slowly, sounding out the big words, then after your diaper has been changed, buy a Wii!
Are you tired of "complicated" "next-gen" "games" that use "HD" and "controllers?" Has hearing your legal guardian read those words to you already left you confused, on the brink of tears? Relax. Nintendo speaks your language, big guy.
Nintendo, too, is sick and tired of "complicated" machines like the XBox 360 and PS3 that seek only to make you waste your money on tech specs you're way too unevolved to understand. Hell, if Nintendo can't come up with a reason for a machine in 2006 to be more powerful than a machine in 2001, why should you?
Nintendo's answer to your life in a complicated world won't confuse you, friends! It won't confound you, perplex, vex or convex you! It won't even stain your bib! The answer is the utmost in uncomplicated, every-man, power-free non-gaming! The Nintendo Wii!
Snerds everywhere, this is the console for which you've been waiting. All those times you confused your controller with an Otter Pop and started crying... those days are over. Nintendo knows your pain all too well:
Only Wii is easy enough that people can start playing immediately, even if they have no videogame experience.
Well said, Reggie. That's the president of Nintendo of America, folks; even though he's an influence-less fatass who considers releasing Mario Sports titles "kicking ass and taking names," he's a man who knows the pain of not being able to understand things. The Wii, your console, the people's console, is eeeeeeasy. Even if you have no experience with videogames you can do it right away! Your prayers answered!
Nintendo fans, please believe it, Nintendo has heard your calls. "Virtua Tennis was just too complicated!" you slurred as you smelled your fingers. Nintendo knows that Virtua Tennis was a confounded, confusing, conflagrating game requiring a strategy guide and a PhD in Gameology that even Shoe from EGM might not have. Nintendo to the rescue!
"The Big N" knows you don't want to control your tennis blob any more than you want good graphics. So they've done what no one in this insurmountably complicated gaming world has done and they've removed control of the player from you! Nintendo has simplified everything so you'll be free to eat glue while you don't control your tennis blob! Nintendo has even gone so far as to remove offensive "fingers" which are known to seriously confuse people who play Nintendo games. You want fingers about as much as you want to be able to choose what you download!
And it doesn't stop with tennis, folks! Act now and you'll qualify for all sorts of simple stuff from Nintendo! Their head honcho Iwata says it best: "the key here is not what you are playing, but how you'll be playing." Nintendo knows you're too easily confused to care about what you're playing. As long as you're able to swing your arm around and see something happen on your TV, you won't cry!
Simplicity is the key, Nintendo fans. But don't take my word for it, just listen to these testimonials!
Sometimes the simplest of ideas turn out to be the most fun - N-Sider
One of the most simple Wii demos on the show floor is arguably the best - IGN
Wii Sports: Golf, much like Tennis, is a simplistic game that's pretty fun to play - IGN
The premise for the demonstration was simple: fly through rings before the time runs out. - IGN
is it possible to swing over or under the ball and simply miss the ball, even if the timing of your swing is correct? At first glance, it didn't seem so... - GameSpot
Even though the presentation was simple and the gameplay was really little more than a new way to control a linear power meter, we have to admit that we were quite engaged - GameSpot
Hey that sums it up there, Nintendo fans - if brilliant professionals like the GameSpot guys can be quite engaged by a new way to control a power meter, you know you'll be positively glued to your high-chair! Who wants to be able to miss a ball when swinging a bat? With Nintendo, you'll never have to experience that terror again. It's so smurfing simple!
How much would you pay for this miracle of simplicity? I know what you're saying- "this many" with all your fingers and thumbs extended! Well, get your caretaker to purchase it now, because the the Wii won't cost that many. It's going to cost a grown-up number and that's not simple at all. But don't wait! Act now, tell your caretaker that the Wii is the only console to not challenge your feebleness in any way!
I want to take the rest of this space to have a serious talk with you snerds. If the above fake sales pitch for the Wii offended you, you're looking at the wrong end of the problem. For the first time on this site, it's not even me calling Nintendo fans stupid- it's Nintendo. Their promotion machine and their "game journalist" fanboys are the ones who say you're too stupid for the other consoles. They're telling you that you need the Wii because the other machines, the other games, are more than your simple mind can conquer. Go ahead and read this whole thing again, folks, as it's not written from SB's point of view. It's exactly the message pitched by Nintendo, it's the same message parrotted by their cluelessly devoted game journalists and it's the message you seem to have fallen for. Don't let Nintendo strip you of your dignity; that's my job.
What do you guys think of this guy's rant? Personally, I feel that he got the wrong message from Nintendo. The simpler controller was for Non-Gamers, not for Already-Gamers. I mean, I don't find our current controllers complex. I've used controllers like this for a long time. However, Nintendo felt that someone who hadn't played video games before couldn't do all the things we could do, and may be turned off by it because of the "learning curve" we've gone through over the years. We find the controllers simple, and Nintendo feels that others do not. So now, if they want to get more of these non-gamer people interested, they should make something simpler. What they came up with was something that allows your hand to "be" in the game. Your hand isn't really in the game, but just the remote that you move. This remote can emulate anything with a handle. Plus, it's such a sci-fi-ish idea, it could attract non-gamers with it's simplicity, and regular gamers with the games that their other crowd already liked.