The Journal Thread (November)

Dear journal,

Today I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that I came here and said that ... oo;

This is from my LJ.


Hehee [04 Nov 2001|03:51am]
[ mood | Great ]
[ music | Garbage - Androgyny ]

Why the Hell you can't choose mood "great" from the mood list? *_* I had to manually insert it.

Random quote that I can still hear in my mind is "You're mean to him, I bet.", by Alana about how am I treating Ghostraper. Somehow that's just stuck in my mind. Conscience, perhaps? Hah.

First things first - Football was great.:D Fulham FC is finally starting rocking, and they beat West Ham 0 - 2 at Upton park. I hope they could make it UEFA cup at least. That would be great. *_^ Steed Malbranque is awesome winger and he's Fulham's fans favourite nowadays. Always when he gets ball, it almost sounds like they are booing, but they actually yell "STEEEEEED..." with very low-voiced..voice? It sounds great.;) Yup, he scored he scored a goal and assisted another. He could've scored a hat-trick, though.

*realises like any of you would be interested my football mumbling*

Hmm...I got online kinda late today, around midnight if my memory serves. Right now I'm watching NHL game Colorado Avalanche @ Toronto Maple Leafs. I'm not paying much attention though, and I'm tired and off to bed soon. It was so awesome to chat with Laners after too long break. *ö_^* She was observed though, so we couldn't chat in peace and properly, and she had to leave so suddenly. *_* Regardless of that, and refering to that quote in my head, she already kinda messed up my mind and I feel sudden guilty. Thanks a lot, Cerrers. Ghostraper, I'm so, SO sorry.=( >=[ >=\ >=/

Yeppers, great to have you back. Oddly, For some strange reason I feel more inspired to update my LJ now too that yer back.

Just finished downlaoding few songs, and I guess I'll be going to bed in a few mins. See ya.

~Mikael

Another day spent sitting at home doing nothing... oh crap, I just remembered I'm supposed to be working on my website for the ffinfinate competition... bugger

Ah well, I'll start tomorrow... neway, I'm really starting to notice how miserable everyone else is... and in that case, is my situation really that bad? Gotta sort myself out and get on with it. I can't be the only one in this situation, and I bet they're doing something about it, so I will too...

November 3, 2001

Heh.. Scott thought I came home tomorrow. :p Nah, not till the 18th..then I'll be back in Jersey. I know I was incredibly excited to come here, but my roommate has made me want to beat him within inches of his life so many times i'm just not really happy here. *shrugs* Ahh well.

Today was alright I guess. I rolled out of bed around 2:25 this afternoon and came online.. i was so bloody bored! -_- I did get scolded for not going to sleep early like I said I would.. hehe.. that was interesting to say the least. I'm 18 and my friends scold me for staying up past 6am. sheesh ;) Not only did I get scolded I literally had people begging me not to leave the net. I was shocked to say the least, and somewhat touched at the same time. So maybe it wouldn't make *everyone* happy, but it would do well for quite a few. I still don't know what i'm going to do just yet.. bah. I'm so indecisive sometimes.

I thought today a bit.. I know dangerous stuff that. I thought about friendship.. the cause of almost all of my stress, yet for the most part, the reason I still exist. I was wondering.. I care about all of my friends.. but how can I call people who would turn their back on me without a second thought my friend? Oo;; damn.. it was a sucky thought. Randomly enough.. it got me to thinking about people I haven't talked to in ages.. I actually wondered today how voris is doing in college. Wtf is up with that? That kid hurt me more than I've been hurt in years and I actually still concern myself with his well being. He was a good friend, and a good boyfriend in the beginning.. is it the happy memories that tie me to people? :\

I went to the movies tonite too. I was the new Jet Li movie, "The One". w00t! I always wondered what could possibly be better than a fight scene with Jet Li.. and Tonite I found out what it was... a fight scene with 2 Jet Li's. :D:D

Dear diarieyiey, the date is 4 and November and 2001.

Yesterday was good because I finally got my custom status thingie.

Yesterday was SO bad because of finding outs terrible.

Today was okay.

Love, Anything but that cursed Bubble Tea

I don't have that long to write here, so yeah...

Playing: Wonderwall – Oasis, Ballad for Dead Friends – Dashboard Prophets

Gah….I hope I have time to write something significant. Usually with only half an hour I won’t, so I’ll try and get to the point as fast as I can, which probably isn’t that fast. I have music and I can’t help but spends at least half of my time focusing on that instead. And after aaaaalllllllll you’re my wonderwaaaaaallllll heheh [/fake British accent]…No. Anyway…
I’m getting fairly sick of being like me. At least, I tire of it sometimes. Often, even. I’ll stare at the walls and wish I could be more normal. Well, I sometimes wish I could make friends. That would help. I always seem to will away 95% of people, probably more, and the remaining few become inexorably linked to me. But I can live with it, as long as they make me feel important. I often feel valueless, or pointless, or bored, and I’m not going to be afraid to admit it anymore. You other people will have to take my being honest for a while before I figure out a face for you that doesn’t involve lying every day.
I’ve got a lot of that nervous energy right now. It’s not my phrase, but meh. It’s sorta fun, but in a way in a bit frustrating. It starts way inside your chest and spreads to everywhere else in your body. Not sure if this was what it was, but last night when I finally stood up I could barely walk. I managed to, though, unlike one fateful night that is quickly approaching being 6 months ago.. Actually, I don’t think much hit me that night itself. A few later nights, though. And for all I know, she could be more depraved than I am. I do know that I wouldn’t care, anyway. I’ve long since crossed that line. In the now distant past whenever I felt this much of that untouchable energy I’d be exceedingly happy. Giddy even. Then, after that, I’d get ridiculously horny. Now I don’t feel too many side effects, just the feeling itself. Longing, if anything. Like my sexual organs couldn’t really care less if I went and had sex right now, but my gut (saying heart would just be so cliched) has decided that now is the time. Not that it hasn’t before, I’m just examining right now, and it hasn’t for a while. I know I’m not totally pure, right now, I’ve still got lots to work out, but we’ve got started nicely, since a lot of that was quite important to me. I guess I’m not as tired of being myself as I thought. It’d be nice to be all giddy right now, or warm and glowy and all fuzzy, or all horny, but I don’t need to be right now. I have my little impure energy right now, and I’ll always delight in how it slowly drives me crazy. I’ve started covering again, so I should stop…I gotta go. Oh well. Maybe I can write more before I’m picked up. I do wish there is a CD for when I feel like this. I need something with lots of nice, but not overdone songs, with lots of acoustic guitars and violins and tearjerking. Like Wonderwall! Only every other Oasis song sucks. Meh….I guess I’ll find it someday. Maybe no one gives everything, but at least someone gives a damn. It’ll be enough, for now. I’m in a really weird stasis-like emotional state right now. Not happy or content, but not depressed or angry or unhappy either. Now I really have to go. I’m glad I get to spend part of my life like this. It’s where I need to be, though not necessarily where I belong. Ellovee-ee.

Silverlocke

everything is strange.

Once again, I'm the victim of bad timing. *sighs*
Somehow my roommate always picks the most inoprtune times to decide he wants to toss me off the computer, but today's was the worste. One day while he's online or on the phone or something and I know it's maddeninglt important to him, I'll disconnect him somehow.. just so he'll know what it's like. I hate people who care solely for themselves. I pity his girlfriend.. she thinks they're soulmates.. he thinks she just a good lay. Wrong eh?
I'm feeling odd right now. I'm worried, yet happy, yet sad and a bit angry all at once. I feel fairly out of plave right now. not just where I'm living, but online as well. I'm sure it'll just pass, but it's something that rarely happens to me. I never come online and neglect going on Aim like I am right now. That's not all because of this weird feeling though. Tjhat has to do with a fear of getting into another important conversation and being booted off in the middle of it again. -_-
Why am I so unfailably bound to some people? It seems that no matter what happens, I can't get them out of my head. It matters not if they are net friends, or people I hang out with irl. And what is up with this love emotion? I think mine is malfunctioning or something. It seems that no matter how much i try, I can't help but fall in love. Not just romantic love, but love in general. I try so hard not to get attatched to people, I'm so afraid of being hurt again. I think sometimes having your heart broken by a friend hurts more than having it broekn by a lover. It does for me anyway.
I'm sick of pretending to be as strong as I wish I was. I try so hard to be strong for everyone, because they need me, but I don't always feel as strong as I act. A lot of times I'm scared to death of what's going to happen, to them.. to me.. it matters not which. I don't want people to pity me or feel bad for me, or think I'm fishing for attention, so i hide everything that i feel inside. There are a few people I talk to plainly about my feelings, I know they won't judge me for hurting. I cry when no one is looking because i don't want sympathy, and I bleed when no one is around because I don't want them to pity me for my malfunctions. I wish that things would change, I wish I could cry on someone's shoulder and they just hold me and not question me and badger me about what's wrong. *sighs* Why am I telling you all this? -_-

scariness. for the senior dinner thingee, everyone is voting me 'most likely to be abducted by aliens' hehehe...also had couple of votes for 'most likely to never grow up', and 'most likely to take over the world'...

we'll see...

[mood | Mostly optomistic]
[music | Take It On the Run, Real Fast Car, Kryptonite, Our House, Otherworld, pretty much anything oldies or FF, like always]

Well, it's been an okay day. I had a kanji quiz in Japanese, luckily. For as much as I bad-mouth kanji, it sure is easy. Heck, the writing is probably the easiest part of that language. But that's my opinion, anyway.
I think I'm finally starting to understand my math class also.
My only bad news from school is my psycho test on wednsday, so I've gotta study big-time. It's on sexual behavior, which like the other subjects is quite interesting. The whole class is pretty interesting.
As for my personal life, well, Dragon Warrior 7 in all it's puzzlish evilness dominates most of that. Cool game, though it's addictiveness may be the end of me. :) And whatever DW7 is sucking away, studying and work is.
I reall don't like where I work. I work at a little pizza place about a mile from my house, and I loved it when I started working there almost two years ago, but now I'm getting pretty sick of it. Cooking isn't my thing, nor is working like a slave to get food out to customers who are just going to yell at me anyway.
Dealing with the public isn't very fun. There are some good people out there, but it seems that more you deal with the public the less and less the good people stand out and the more and more you see of the idiots.
Continuing on, if anything even remotely good turned up from the recent incidents, it's that I finally have an excuse to drive to New Hampshire rather than fly this summer. I hate flying, and will never set foot in a single airplain unless I'm the pilot, or it's to take that trip to Japan that I've always wanted. My problem is flying is that sure you save time, but the saved time comes at the cost of missing some great sight-seeing oppurtunities and the stress of having people look through your bags and wondering what other people are trying to sneak onto the plane in their bags, and then you get cramped like a sardine for six or so hours. When all is said and done, the saved time is taken off your life span through stress. Plus I'm the type of person who likes to enjoy everything for all it's worth, and you can't really do that when everything is 30,000 feet below you.
But that's my opinion. Some people love flying, I'm just not one of them. Besides, no other vehicle can beat the comfort of a Honda Accord. I like driving my Mom's Accord because it's more of a luxury/sports car hybrid than a family car like it was designed to be.
Well, like they say, give a monkey a typerwriter and he'll write a Shakespear play. Or in my case, give a tired man a computer with a working keyboard and he'll carry on about everything he likes and doesn't like.

Oh, and I want to tell Spatvark that his sig is the best I've ever seen anywhere. Squirrel Fishing.... that's a classic.

11.6.01
----------

I'm sitting in the middle of programming class. It's so boring, it's like a study hall for credit. But, I can use the internet, so I'll sit here viewing the forms. I might actually write an entry later.

[Mood: Indifference]
[Music: Screamager by Therapy]

Hmm... I've really pissed Michelle off now... completely my own bloody fault, I should learn when to keep my mouth shut. I'm not gaonna say what I did, coz' I've already said too much today...

Well, I forgot about the FF Infinate website design contest... AGAIN! So, now I've been disqualified, but I'm not really that worried, I wasn't really up for it...

It's kinda strange, Evil_12 is the second person to comment on my sig. today, the other was Leeza... oh well, I like it and that's all that matters... :p

that's right. not only did the HOD Languages shaft me into correspondence Japanese - halving my marks, and refuse to teach me anything in or out of school time, but he also refuses to grant me "1st place in Japanese" at tomorrows prizegiving on the grounds that there aren't enough students to validate giving an award out. *cries* you'd think they'd humour me and give me the lousy certificate as some kind of compensation. now i'm *only* getting "2nd in Classical Studies" and a scholarship. bah. without Jap, it's nothing :D

Nandor joined eoff today! woohoo! he kept making me laugh during the Student Council meeting...in front of the principal...gah! and he did that knee hurting thing, and i had to keep a straight face and keep debating with the principal over the state of our lockers... :P

oh well. 6 days of school left!

November 6, 2001

Have I mentioned lately that i want to go home? I dunno if I have. :p

Well, things have gotten worse, and to thik I thought worse wasn't an option. Brian's become and even bigger ass and he's gotten Dave partially on his side. Man, and I used to think Dave was cool too. I PM'd Mikael before to tell him why I wasn't online at all today, and that I wouldn't be until I got home more than likely. *sighs* I can't use the computer during the day anymore.. apparently the whole hour or two I'm online during the day interupts their lives or something. >_< Like they can't get phone calls or something lame like that.. Bah! no one bloody called today, and even if they had I refuse to answer their damn phone, I'm not going to be their bloody secretary. So, no more Danni online during the day. I go home in 9 days.. If I could go home tomorrow I swear I would.

9 days... I'm actually counting them, and when I think about leaving, I'm not at all sad. When i came here i was so excited. So excited in fact that I called Simon at 3 am (his time) to talk during a layover in Washington DC. I came here thinking this would be fun, because I missed Jon, and because i wanted to get away from the stresses I had up in Jersey for a while. And what did I find here? even more stress. There have been times that I just wanted to call home crying and beg for someone to get me a ticket out of here. I didn't though.. I;ve stuck around thinking "oh, well, maybe things will get better". I'm so dumb sometimes I amaze myself. I thought when I came here, that I wouldn't want to go home, I've since learned better.

I'm lonely here as it is, with jon having classes every single day, and homework to boot, I don't get much time with him. The only thing that's been keeping me sane, is the fact that I've been able to talk to my friends, (irl and online) on the net during the day, even if only for an hour or so. At least When I was talking to them, I wasn't lonely. Of course getting kicked off the net whenever one of my boyfriend's roommates needed the phone or the net was annoying, but I decided I could deal with that as long as I could talk to everyone for just that brief period of time. Well, over time it seemed to me that Brian, (the roomie that absolutely despises me, and did even before I came here.. that's another story though) actually just kicked me off because it pisses me off. It's as if he enjoys making me mad. He'd kick me offline to use the computer or the phone, and not actually use either one for like an hour or so.. then finally get on. It was so damn irritating! and he's constantly bitching about how much time I spend on the net during the day.. erm.. I'm only on when he's not home, so what the hell's the problem? The stress I've been under due to my emotions, and people here has driven me to the point, where I am genuinly afraid to talk to some people, because I don't want to horribly misconstrue something they say and lose a friend for it. It's already happened, or come close to happening, quote a few times since I've been here.

9 days till I'm out of here... away from my asshole roommates, and back to Jersey. Back to my friends, and my siblings, and my stressful life where at least I can talk to whomever I want whenever I damn well please. 9 days until I won't get so horribly bored I get the brite Idea to cut my hair... >_<. and less than a month until december is here.. I hope people really do mean what they say. *hopes*

11-6-01
10:41 PM, US Pacific time

[mood | I'll decide when I'm not so tired]
[music | Legend of Dragoon theme song - If you Still Believe in Love - very cool song]

Well, I had a slow day. I was going to make my brother and sister a game for Christmas in RPGMaker 2000, but I've met one problem after another (not to mention a lot of limitations that I refuse to change my story for), so I'm just turning the whole thing into a book. It'll take a long time either way and probably not even get done until Christmas Eve, but I'm tighter on money than I am on time right now. Anyway, the whole plotline is a secret since if they like it enough I'm gonna try and get it published, and it gives away a lot of another story I'm writing. Writing is easily my biggest hobby.
Also, I managed to break the death grip that Dragon Warrior 7 has on my life. It was through and advanced system of strategies I call "letting someone else have a turn on the Playstation".
I'm getting ready for school right now, doing whatever I can since I won't have time in the morning. I've really gotta stop scheduling myself for 7:30 classes. That is way too early.
The only real frustration was when I was about to take a shower, Mom calls from the story saying that she wants me to come over and try on some boots. Well, I drive to the mall and try on the boots, only to find out that everything is the wrong size. Oh well, at least the mall isn't too far away.
As for my job, I don't know why, but my boss is cutting back on my hours. I used to work four days until I asked to work only three because of how busy school is. So I got three days of work for a while. Now, I'm only getting two. Man, I'm doing assistant manager work and getting paid minimum wage, and now I'm only working two days a night. I've really got to find a better job. Besides, resturaunts are horrible to work at anyway. It has the lowest slaver-work/respect ratio in the world, and it's not doing a thing for my career, which I hope will be in translating books, games, and movies from Japanese to English or designing web pages. Both are fun as hell, pay pretty good, though the Japanese translation pays better. I know one person who works at a court house translating papers and speech from Japanese and gets paid almost $200 an hour for it. Plus it's a really fun language. Much more fun than Spanish was.
And it's also easier than Spanish. All my friends think I'm lying, but I think that Japanese is a much easier language than Spanish was. Then again, I give a damn about learning Japanese which I didn't with Spanish, so that helps.