49. Total their car after swerving to avoid a squirrel
Squirrels are adorable little furry creatures. If you were to hit one with your car, it would just be pulverised, and that would be messy. So does that mean these people are heroes, friends to animal-kind, and should be held up as paragons of humanity and compassion?
Heck no!
Squirrels are basically just pests. They scavenge for food everywhere, and there are so many of them that hitting one with your car would not even dent the population. Squirrels probably spread diseases too; they are rodents after all!
The people nominated for this award are not good people. They are cruel at worst, and reckless at best. Let me explain why!
Reason One: Dead squirrels become roadkill. Roadkill feeds hillbillies! If The Simpsons has taught me anything, it’s that those hicks are hilarious and misunderstood. We shouldn’t do anything to cause them any problems – that’s the really inhumane thing!
Reason Two: Squirrels aren’t very interesting. I mean, they’re just slightly less ugly rats. What is even the point of trying to keep them alive? We should be focusing on preserving cool animals, and not worrying about these rodents.
Reason Three: If we don’t use our car, they might use their Jedi powers against us! Yes, it’s true: squirrels were once strong in the Force. Now they just use their powers for evil, and not the cool kind of evil like the Sith either!
Reason Four: Swerving is dangerous. Seriously. The odds of you crashing your car are raised significantly if you start swerving like a maniac! What’s more important: your life, or an evil squirrel’s? That’s what I thought.
So that’s why you shouldn’t go swerve to avoid squirrels. These people all need to learn better and just run over the little pests before they can do any more damage! Remember, and stay safe out there on the roads. This has been a public safety message courtesy of the Eyes on Final Fantasy Ciddies Committee.
