Chuck Norris Jokes Are Lame

whats wrong with you Raoul Duke is a god among peasents
and just to mess with you here are some jokes

Raoul Duke uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Raoul Duke' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Raoul Duke has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Raoul Duke can kill him and take it.

Raoul Duke once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Raoul Duke doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Raoul Duke what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Raoul Duke only masturbates to pictures of Raoul Duke.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Raoul Duke instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Raoul Duke appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Raoul Duke lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Raoul Duke was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Raoul Duke sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Raoul Duke brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Raoul Duke roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Raoul Duke's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF Raoul Duke!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't smurf with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Raoul Duke does not sleep. He waits.

Raoul Duke built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Raoul Duke is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Raoul Duke Raoul Duke was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Raoul Duke smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Raoul Duke.

Raoul Duke does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Raoul Duke' beard. There is only another fist.

Raoul Duke once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Raoul Duke--more than meets the eye, Raoul Duke--robot in disguise," and starred Raoul Duke as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Raoul Duke is pain.

Raoul Duke is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Raoul Duke plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Raoul Duke actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Raoul Duke himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Raoul Duke recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Raoul Duke used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Raoul Duke," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Raoul Duke.

If you can see Raoul Duke, he can see you. If you can't see Raoul Duke, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Raoul Duke took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Raoul Duke plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Raoul Duke.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Raoul Duke, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Raoul Duke.

God offered Raoul Duke the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Raoul Duke was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Raoul Duke drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Raoul Duke is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Raoul Duke once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Raoul Duke' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Raoul Duke doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Raoul Duke' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Raoul Duke has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Raoul Duke' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Raoul Duke."

Raoul Duke once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Raoul Duke doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Raoul Duke.

Ironically, Raoul Duke' hidden talent is invisibility.

Raoul Duke eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Raoul Duke owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Raoul Duke invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Raoul Duke is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Raoul Duke invented water.

Raoul Duke went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Raoul Duke yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Raoul Duke accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Raoul Duke, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Raoul Duke is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Raoul Duke does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Raoul Duke roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Raoul Duke can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Wow, you thought all those up yourself?

just off the top of my head the ones that I know

and sorry about that extra my computer is buggin

Wow man, with that knowledge you can only be Chuck Norris himself.

Or Chuck Norris. :shifty:

ha ha very funny man

nah im just human

chuck norrris isnt though

Edit by Psychotic Hey, gottolovetheffgirls, please don't double post. Use the edit/delete button instead. Thanks a whole bunch!

i hate how whenever some types chuck norrris correctly it goes in as raul duke is a douche

Chuck Norris thinks your face is lame.

u talkin about me

No.

Why hate me Shlup :cry:

chuck norris

boosh, oh yeah. i did it! in your face chuck norris.

The proper way to get that pleasant scent right before a big date is to rub oneself against Raoul Duke.

oh yeah good job boys from the dwarf u got to put chuck in

heres some more facts on chuck

01 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
02 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
03 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
04 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
05 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
06 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
07 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
08 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
09 They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take :skull::skull::skull::skull: from anybody.
10 A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris jokes have now lost any type of humor they could have had. Thanks a lot.