Tell me a joke. (I don't care how dumb it is)

A woman was upset because her husband wouldn't have sex with her. So she starts thinking and comes up with an answer. " I'm going to buy the sexiest lingerie and then he will want me." She goes up to her husband and asks for $200 so she could go shopping for something sexy. At the lingerie store the woman sees that all the items are very sheer. So she thinks to herself " I could just stand in front of him naked and the old fool won't know the difference. So she keeps the money for herself and comes home. "Are you ready for this honey" the woman ask. The husband says "yes", so she comes down and stands in front of him. "What do you think?" asks the woman. The man replies, " well for $200 they could have at least ironed the damn thing."

Not the best, but whatever.

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Originally Posted by Imperfectionist

Two muffins in an oven.
Muffin no.1: God, it's hot in here!
Muffin no.2: AAARRGGHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!

What do you call a broken boomerang?
A stick.

And my favourite,
3 penguins in a bath, one of them says "pass the soap"

....BA DUM CHSHHH...

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That fits my sense of humour. :D

Why did the cow moo?

(SPOILER)Because it's a cow.

OK here's one of mine, I can't remember it perfectly:

Three guys reached heaven at the same time. St. Peter asks them all to tell him how they died. The first man said, "I suspected that my wife was having an affair, so I came home early from work one day. My wife was there on the bed, but there wasn't anyone else there. I went out to the balcony, and found a man hanging from it. I took a hammer and bashed his hands until he let go and fell. I looked down and saw that he wasn't dead yet, so I lifted up our fridge and dropped it on him. The effort caused me to have a fatal heart attack." St. Peter turned to the second man. "What about you?" He replied, "I was exercising on my balcony when I lost my balance and fell off. I managed to grab on to the balcony below me, but then this crazy guy comes and starts smashing my fingers with a hammer. I fall to the ground, but amazingly, I'm OK. Then a fridge comes down and crushes me." St. Peter said to the third man. "And you?" "Well..." the third man said, "I was hiding in a refridgerator...":p

Your mom is so fat, she puts mayonnaise on her aspirin.

Your mom is so fat, her blood-type is rague.

Your mom is so ugly, the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train.

-EDIT-
This one is for those geniouses out there.

What do you call a school of nerds?

A google...100 zero's. Meh.

Haha not bad Rye.

Seeing as good jokes are already being done, I'll tell you the bad jokes.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.

What do you call a man in a bed of dry leaves?
Russell.

What do you call a fisherman's wife?
Annette.

Oh, please. "Your Mom" is awesome.

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Originally Posted by roto13-ness

Oh, please. "Your Mom" is awesome.

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So's your face :bigsmile:

best

I can't think of a worst off hand. I tend to phase out poor humour.

Two lions walking down Oxford Street. One says to the other: "It's quiet for a Saturday."

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Originally Posted by Omni Legacy

How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
By drawning it

How does a blonde try to kill a bird?
By throwing it off a cliff

What's the difference between bigfoot and an intellegent blonde?
People have claimed to see bigfoot

How do you kill a blonde?
By placing a mirror at the bottom of a pool

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my god they were hilarious
i have another one, i cant remember it all though:
a panda with a gun walks into a pub, it asks for some crisps, eats them, and started firing his gun whilst killing a few people probly, and left.
the bartender got a dictionary, and looked up panda, it said- panda-eats shoots and leaves.

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Originally Posted by Devil Man

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Martyr

Once this dude decided to paint the letter S all over his race car.

When his friends asked, "Dude, why?"

He replied, "Because when I drive by, I want people to say, 'Look at that S Car Go!'"

Get it? S Car Go. Escargo. I'm funnier than a boot to the head, eh?
Are you?

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Why did the Chicken cross the road? :confused:

So he could use his AK-47 Assault Rifle to pump Martyr full o' lead :shoot:

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He, he, he! I am funny! :chuckle:

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your about as funny as a case of rabies....and no that wasnt the joke!

the joke is - there was a guy who was put into prison for multiple counts of bestiality and was put in a cell with an animal loving murderer. when the animal loving murderer heard of what the guy got put in prison for he exclaimed "How low could you go!" the guy dryly replied "the jack russel"

Merged the two joke threads we had going on here. And to not make this post a complete waste of space:

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her
husband!"

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE STD? :bigsmile:

LEVIAN.

A duck walks into a bar and says "Gimme some chapstick and put it on my bill."