Originally Posted by Bubba
Shark Scouting Report: New Smyrna Beach, Florida, Summer 2016
Details: Good afternoon, Kevin. The time has come for your annual attack on a human to keep us the most feared creature in the ocean. Colin passed his last week by nibbling on the leg of a fat man. We're hoping that due to your successes in previous years, you can secure a human arm for our collection at the UHM (Underwater Human Museum). I've scanned the beach for you and there are five potential victims for you to consider.
Ayen
Easy pickings with this one. He rocked up to the beach wearing a Superman T-Shirt. We'll see how super he feels when he tries to fly with only one arm. Also, he's a Youtuber. Ugh. My personal recommendation.
Galuf
The youngest of the potential victims and most certainly the quickest if you like a challenge. Though it should be noted that his reactions will no doubt be slowed by the 4 litres of Scrumpy Jack Cider he consumed before entering the water.
Pant Leg Eater From The Bad World
Probably the toughest challenge. This guy is apparently an ex-military man and a ninja. Though we have intel from Conrad the Crab stating that his passport shows he originates from Washington... not The Bad World. I also spotted him eating pretzels and ice cream as opposed to pants like he claims. Clearly a pathological liar.
Pumpkin
For gender equality, the report has to contain at least one female. SPC gone mad, I know. This young lady is actually very nice but will be a very easy target for you. Her mobility is hampered due to the fact that she is merely a comedy vegetable used to scare children at Halloween.
Sharkythesharkdog
Well this guy's just asking for it, isn't he? Far too few teeth to be a shark and not hairy enough to be a dog. Though we did spot him using his tongue to clean his own genitals.
As always, the choice is yours. Which human do you feel no longer has the need for two arms? YOU DECIDE.
