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23/8/01:
I typed out 78 "Death Cards" at work today...it's very depressing. I wish I could do some nice work down in the basement - like typing out Birth cards and Engagement cards...but alas...that is not to be.
My job makes me wonder...if 200+ people are dying every day in my local area, what on earth must it be like worldwide. Who's next? It's made me realise how incredibly short and precious life really is.
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I'm really enjoying EoFF a lot now. I've made more Friends here over the past 5 or so months than I ever did when I first joined. I'm having a lot of fun in the forums, and it's great to read the opinions of others.
My thread on "Sean's Hidden" settings went down a treat, and I'm glad others are deriving enjoyment from it.
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I've seen a lot of madness in the forums recently. About 5 members have left...seemingly for no reason. I don't understand it. Some of them harp on about EoFF being really bad and nasty. Apparently, it's "The Worst it's ever been". I disagree. It's the best it's ever been, thanks to the Mods and Admins getting everything in order with all their hard work.
It's nice to know that so many people are here enjoying EoFF, and it's a great community to be a part of.
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It's Bank Holiday on Monday, so I get a day off work. Unfortunately...I'll be typing out twice as many cards on Tuesday because of this, but no matter, at least I get paid £50 for doing absolutely nothing.
I'd better make some more humerous pictures for that insane "Sean" thread...
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I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling now very well, but.. I'll try my best. I feel.. nothing, basically. I'm empty. Not depressed. Well actually... maybe I am. I don't know. But.... it's weird. I've always liked mucking around with my name on MSN and my sig and avatars on here, and other forums, but now I just don't care. Well, perhaps it's not that I don't care, but more... I don't think I'd like anything that I'd use. I'm not exactly in the mood for caring about a game, a TV show, or whatever. I usually would try to have an avatar like Vincent, or some strong, dark character if I was feeling low, but.... not even that would suit me. I want something meaningful, but nothing means anything to me. And this kind of applies to everything in my life right now... meaningless. I mean, I know it's pointless, I am a nihilist after all, but even so, I usually have feelings for things. But now, I'm searching for meaning to something. I'm searching for enjoyment. This sounds very corny, but... I want to love someone. Give my life meaning, and happiness. I'm probably just rambling now, but I'm trying to write what I feel, and I don't think I'm doing it very well. But... uh.... I don't even think I want to..... er.....
I have no idea what I was going to say there. I don't really know what to say now. There is so much on my mind, that if I tried to write it all I'd probably die. And that would perhaps be a good thing, for me. Well actually, it wouldn't... because I wouldn't be alive to know it was a good thing.
....
I... I'll stop now. I feel odd. No, wait. I want to write more, but I can't find the words.
Nevermind.
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RAINECLOUD RESPOND!!
I emailed u early 2 day at rainecloud@hotmail.com ...im not sure if uve changed ure email since...but i need ure assistance with ure tutorial for building voicepacks...please reply!!
-Op
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08-24-01 (Friday)
1:04 PM
I was just looking through an old, old thread in EoEO. 'Twas Asorie's "When life sucks..." thread. Reading my old entries just made me that much happier that I pulled out of that pit. :) February to...March or April, can't remember which, was one of the darkest periods of my life. And yet, I learned so much from it. :/ I think that it strengthened me quite a bit, showed me what I needed to do to deal with emotions I couldn't understand or control, and made me think a lot about what I want out of life. Sooo...somehow, despite all the pain, I'm...grateful for it. oO
Anyway, school starts in about a week and a half. One more year, and I'm off to college; incredible. Oo I don't even know what I want to do. >< Supposedly most people don't really know for sure until they've been going for a year or two. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who has to know what's going on, and well in advance. I have the gift and curse of planning way, way ahead of the present, and I get a bit antsy when I don't know what's going to happen. I've been thinking about editting as a career--in which case my best bet would probably be to major in English. That'd be rather cool, I think, since I have a natural knack for it.
/ramble :)
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8-24-01 11:24 PM
Today was good. It was pretty much wasted away with playing my emulators and messing around.
Woke up about 10:00 AM this morning, which is early compared to the times I usually wake up. Played my roms today a bit, messed around with the FF7 Debug room with my Gameshark, and got on the net.
Tonight was the first football game of the season, and unlike the rest of my family, I stayed home. 'Twas gwate. I talked on the net a lot, got on chat, and downloaded Dancing With Myself by Blink 182, which is uber nifty. I can't stop listening to it. I was going to watch Banzai Movie Friday, but unfortunately it's not on this week. When my family got home, my sister and a friend ordered a pizza, and I swiped a few. Tonight has been great.
The only low point is that after I d/led RealPlayer to watch Blink 182 videos at www.blink182.com, I found that whatever server the movies is on is messed up tonight, so I have to wait to watch them.
With the music selection and the mirror's reflection, I'll be dancing with myself.
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August 25, 2001 10:36 AM
I had a bit of trouble getting my computer to work on the network here at college, but I finally got it working. I'm not as excited about having a fast internet connection as I was when I first came here as a freshman. It seems like I had a million things I wanted to do all summer once I got my computer hooked back up to the internet, but now that I'm here, I can't remember any of them.
College is pure evil. I'd almost forgotten how much I don't like it at all. I don't mind the actual learning part, but I don't like all the drinking, partying, promiscuity, and general corruption/crime/anarchy. I don't know why college students have such a need to start acting like idiots. Then again, I suppose people my age who aren't in college would probably be just as bad anyways. Ah well.
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August 25, 2001 Saturday 12:23pm
So many thoughts running rampantly through my mind.. I'm not quite sure what to think anymore. The only two people that I can really talk to irl left for college yesterday, so I can't talk to them about any of this.
I have a nagging worry in the back of my head.. I keep pushing it back, trying to forget it.. but it always creeps up.. "what if..." It's driving me mad, and it's really worrying me. everytime it pops up I get a bit more paranoid.. which is something I really don't want to deal with at this point. It's made me question my future and everything.. *sighs* I wish I knew.. I wish i could just find out right now, make the worry a definate and deal with it.. but alas I cannot.
I've been sick for over two days now. I look at food and feel queesy, i think about it and i do the same. I wake up and feel like throwing up.. more info than you all needed i'm sure but meh. I slept for nearly 15 hours straight last night... I woke up for an hour or two to come online but that was it. I hate being sick, it makes me feel so helpless, so defensless.. so powerless... :(
add to that the fact that i'm bored, and fairly lonely. My best online friends aren't online right now, and my best irl friends aren't here. One ditched me not too long ago, and made me cry my eyes out.. the others left for school.. and the one that stuck around is being distant and acting pretty weird towards me. *sighs* I wish I could make all the worries, all the questions, all my fears and pains go away... or at least not happen all at once... :(
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Aug 25, 1:08pm
Life...fate...unfair...both of them together.
I hate how unfair things can be. I hate having to work for money...some of my friends, have millions, they don't have to work for anything, while I work my ass off and I only havea lousey $4000 to show for it! I have to pay for my own car, university tuition. Those people that have millions don't need to work for anything. The'r path is layed out infront of them...
their interest for one month is double that of what I have total money in the bank...
When I think about it, I become depressed...I know alot of people will tell you that money doesn't make you happy...
Well, I think that they were wrong! If I were to have millions, I would be very happy, I would still work, but knowing that I dont need to.
I know spome of them..they would give it all up for a girl/boyfriend. They tell me that I am lucky to have one (as angelic as she is. I love her with my all my heart), I do feel lucky...but I would be happier if money were no object...
Life and fate deal cruel hands to some people...others are blessed with the path that is layed before them. I...am not one of those people....
My rant is done...I'm gonna go contemplate what it all means now...why we all have to pay so much for things that we want, when we will die eventually....
Good bye...
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Oooh,
this feels weird. 25. elokuuta, 2001. Well, I'd really like the world to be different. I'd like to live in Winhill, in my own little house where I could pick acorns all day. I'd be a friend of the squirrels... all of different colour. I wouldn't have to worry about whether Britt loves me or not... I would know he loves me. We'd go wander in the fields together. I'd think about all my unborn children with oh-so-pretty names. Britt and I would argue a little about my hair. I'd say: "It gets in the way a lot since it's been growing for 4 years now. He says: "I like it that way, don't cut it, I can braid it for you every morning when we wake up and see the sun shining through the pretty windows." Then we'd agree that I'll let it grow a little bit longer. We'd talk about the festival in the village, held to celebrate the ripe fruit of the autumn. I'd be waiting for the winter to come for on the 24th of November, our first child will be born. Her name will be... Crescent, and Britt will embrace her with such devotion. He will be a good father.
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What? O_o
08.25.01
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I'm all nervous and stuff. Today, hopefully, is when Angela and I find out if its possible for us to meet this Labor Day. I hope beyond hope that we can. If we can't... we'll just have to wait, I guess. All I know is that I love her more than life itself.
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...
Lovelorn.
I need a hug...
Not the idea of one, or the knowledge that someone wants to hug me.
A real live actual hug.
...
Don't you need somebody to love?
How's the rest of that go...
I didn't think I'd write in here. I already have an OpenDiary. I can write in there.
...
man.
I'm not suicidal. I never have been. But death...
nah
I was happy the other day. I got to matchmake Britt and Asorie.
I overcredit myself. It obviously would have happened eventually, but I got to hurry along the process.
I made two people happy. Now I'm happy.
Or then I was happy. Now I'm the same as I was then. Just in a different house. And not quite as insane.
My dad choked me on Wednesday so I got to move out. :) He doesn't have a history for physical abuse but I've always had no respect for him. He is a worthless hunk of flesh, and FINALLY, he gave me what I needed to leave.
While choking, he moved me back into my room, by my scanner. There was a knife hidden behind the scanner. It's always been there; I have knives where I spend the most time incase I need them. Don't call me crazy. I've never needed to use them. But just in case there might come a time... And, see, this was a time, so don't say "It'd never have happened".
I could have killed him if I wanted to. But something said to me that you just DON'T do that to your own FATHER. Just like you don't CHOKE you're own damned SON.
...unpleasant thoughts...
Oi. I might get used to this entry stuff here. A little unorganized... Hmm... I think I'll make a suggestion to Britt. We're talking right now.
...
I'm a comedian, right? I make people laugh. If people are happy, I'm happy.
...is that all I am to you...?
What am I? Give me some other purpose than for your own entertainment, someone. I hate being worthless.
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8-25-01
I just got back from visting relatives in Ticonderoga, NY. It was nice seeing my Great Grandmother again and my Great Uncle and Aunt. I went to see the fort, which was pretty cool. The only thing I didn't like was the long ride.
It's nice to be back home again and I am actually looking foward to school which starts on the 28th. i haven't seen my friends in while now.
I am also getting used to Eoff. It really is a great place.:)
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I'm tired, and hot.
*SIGH*
I'm losing interest in games, maybe the internet, mosly lost it in a lot of TV, and i wouldn't be surprised if I lost it in music, too soon. I'm a fool.
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8-25-01
My parents are major alcoholics, They drink up to the point where they don't know what's happening... I wouldn't care if they drank little alcohol, but they affect me by being drunk, They wonder why I don't respect them... Who would respect a drunk person?... I don't know why they drink so much? To get away from reality, Or to get away from my family and I? I wish that my dad and mom would stop drinking whatsoever... I guess they don't know how much it hurts my sister, brother and me. It also has been brought that alcohol has made my parents fight more... My mom was brought to tears by my insensitive, foolish, bastard of a father that I have.
He insults my mom, me, and the rest of my family. If I ever have a wife, I wouldn't treat her the way that my father does... As far as being my father, He is only blood related to me. That bastard wouldn't even call his own mother to see that she is alright after major surgery. I also think that bastard is cheating on my mother... I hate my father. Period. Obviously, I will be moving out of the house the day I turn 18. I want to get as far away from that bastard as soon as possible. I just hope that I'll treat my wife and kids inverse of that my father treated my mom and my siblings.
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Whatever the :bou::bou::bou::bou::bou: day it is
Now
Ugh. Just ugh. That's all I have to say. I'm tired. Very very tired. Just...of everything. School starts soon so that's going to make me miserable. Mom has switched into super bitch mode. Summer's already over. I dunno...I'm just tired. I'm sick of not having any friends in the real world. Online friends are great but I want something real...and I can't have it. It's awful...I have to go to a new school now to make matters worse. I just want to go upstairs, fall asleep...and not wake up. Not to die...just to be asleep forever....that's all that I want. To sleep...I want to get away from the pain forever and live a peaceful life of nothing. That's all I'll ever amount to anyways. So why can't I live a life like it? I am nothing so why can't I be nothing? Ugh...I'm tired. I think it's sleep time.
