Corrupted Wish Game

I got this idea from a thread on BZPower (now closed, unfortunately) so some of you may have played this before. For those who haven't here's how it works:

The point is to make the previous poster's wish come true... but in an ironic/funny/unusual way that is clearly NOT what is intended (but please try to avoid creepy monkey's-paw type scenarios, unless you can make it funny). For instance:

Poster 1: I wish I had a pie.

Poster 2: A clown hits you in the face with a pie.

...And after you "grant" the previous poster's wish, you make one of your own.

So I'll kick things off by wishing that I could go to the world of Spira.

Done! But unfortunately you've been transported to Zanarkand just as Sin comes and wrecks the place. You die.

I wish this wish would remain ungranted.

This is like "Fortunately, Unfortunately", which my friend and I like to play and is by far one of the greatest games of all time.

But then I come cross out the "remain" and "un" in NCG's wish and it gets GRANTED!

I wish I had a chocobo.

Granted. You have a chocobo and it eats all of your clothes.

I wish I wish I had a fish

Your fish leaves you for another person. Who has a private jet.

I wish that Aeris didn't die. (But who doesn't?)

She now works at a whore house taking 5+ penis's at a time for a nickle.

I wish all the bad things in the world happen to the one who answers this wish, and nobody else.

Granted. However, I'm a little hard of hearing in both of my ears so instead of "all the bad things happening to the person who answers this wish" I heard "I hope the sexy individual who answers this glorious wish gets nothing but good tidings while I take on the heavy load of everything bad in the world because I am a decent, self-sacrificing caring individual."

I wish I never had to sleep again.

XD A little hard of hearing?

You never have to sleep again... because you've died of boredom while level grinding. Dead people don't have to sleep.

I wish I owned a Taco Bell!

Granted. The Taco Bell you own is now in a class action lawsuit against all the people you've made sick serving undercooked beef.

I wish my wayfarers hadn't broke.

Granted. They have shattered.

I wish I were king of the elephants.

Granted. But you have been captured by a circus and they neutered you.

I wish I could eat all I want and never get fat.

Granted. Your cholesterol shoots through the roof, you have a heart attack and die.

I wish I was Thor.

Granted. You're thor all over and there ithn't enough Ithy Hot in the world to help.

I wish I had a million dollars.

Granted. You have one million dollars in marked, completely traceable bills and the FBI is currently conducting a manhunt to discern your location.

I wish my kidney wasn't in danger of dying.

Granted. But I was the one who donated one for you!

I wish EoFF didn't close my corgi threads.