Are shy/modest guys less respected?

I always thought that shy individuals had a tendency to be treated pretty respectlessly.
I mean, I've experienced this myself back in the day, when I was really silent and didn't speak much.
Whenever I tried to say something, and I actually spoke pretty loud and clear, someone else would start talking and take no notice of me.
I usually just fell silent and sighed, and waited for the other one to finish.
Sometimes this really got on my nerves, and when someone would interrupt me I would go "ahem, I was talking, wait for your turn", and they would go "ok, ok, are you mad, or something?"

It also seems to me that shy people are treated like crap, as if their acquaintances take for granted that they can act anyway they want, like they could mention something in a rude or indignant way.

If a "shy" person gets angry or irritated, then the person will most likely be considered "weird", "mad" or something; but if a respected person gets angry, then it's completely alright.

Do you recognize this? :rolleyes2

Story of my life, sorta.

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Originally Posted by Craig

Story of my life, sorta.

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Heh, it is indeed fairly annoying when people around you don't care about your speaking aloud. :p

...and if you object, you're "angry". :rolleyes2

Lack of confidence is often attributed with those that are quite modest or shy. As a lack of confidence and initiative is also commonly seen as a sign of weakness, the label is applied.

I was once rather hesitant, and incredibly quiet. Although I am still quiet, I am heard in other methods as I am confident and take initiative.

You don't have to be loud to be noticed.


But that is only one instance of the world - it may not exactly be true for others.

EoFF would be the right place to find such same thinking persons.


:monster: :monster:

I'm shy in large groups, but in one on one coversations I dominate. I usually don't mind and people usually don't interupt me. *Ahem* I say usually, but it happens. So I say something completely stupid and irrelevent to the conversation to get the attention back on me. This one time the guy that interupted me said something stupid and irrelevent and then somehow the whole group got in and we started talking about Penguins riding cows down the River Styx.

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Originally Posted by Nominus Experse

Lack of confidence is often attributed with those that are quite modest or shy. As a lack of confidence and initiative is also commonly seen as a sign of weakness, the label is applied.

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Do you mean that some people decide that the "weak" person is alright to treat disrespectfully?

I'm just wondering if that's what you meant. :)

you don't have to be outgoing to be respected... although there is a difference between people who don't say much because they don't have anything to say or don't care and those who want to say something but don't have the courage to do so...

BTW to Peter_20: if someone interrups you... interrupt back and see how they react... then YOU will be the one with "the upperhand" so to say...

and i don't think nominus meant that some people decide that it's okay to treat a shy/weak person disrespectfully... i think he meant that it's the shy people who let people treat them disrespectfully... not that that's okay to do but that's life pal...

You get respected by the people that matter. Everyone else you can throw away.

The very same thing happened to me a year and a half ago. I was just settling into my new school, and was quite loud and felt predominant in front of my old friends, but then I decided maybe it was time to move on. So I found new friends, but it was actually like I just hanged with them, and didn't talk too much/not at all. When we all walked home together from school, I only really talked fluently with one of them, and the others used to crack some good jokes.

All I did was laugh, and not get involved. I guess this started to happen more and more, sometimes I even got called a 'Mute', but then something changed on one of the days. I was with the one who I talk well to, and then we went to the canteen and saw one of our other friends. I managed to strike a conversation with him for some reason, and I think it was something of no relevance like eating fish or chicken. This happened a few more times with other people and I started to make them laugh, I grew more confident and didn't have to feel left out or even disrespected when I stayed quite for a moment. Nowadays I can speak to all of them, have good humorous conversations, I've realized that I have a lot in common with a few of them as well.

Generally I would come to the conclusion that life sometimes is easier if you're not timid and fragile all the time. Shy people can have friends and talk to them as well, but it depends what sort of nature and personality the actually friends have, and not always the person. There can also be a distinct line between followers and companions, for instance there are several people who follow my friends around, and stay quiet at all times. They giggle when something funny happens, and that's it.

If someone takes advantage over their docile personality, then they let it be and don't intervene. When they actually talk, it seems weird and you don't really feel to anything they have to say or contribute to the subject. I myself have experienced this, and overcome it. Being shy was awkward for me also, because like a mentioned before, I was a very spirited young child, who enjoyed drama, singing and all things to do with performing arts. What changed me was peer pressure in my first year, but since the end of that year and the beginning of this, I am back to how I used to be, and that feels great!

I thought there are tons of shy but respected person out there.

I don't know where i fit in with it all. In other words i can't decide wether i don't talk much due to shyness or due to have nothing to say? How would one go about observing which is correct.

I don't think being shy makes you invisible when you do try to speak. I am a shy person in large groups, but when I have something to say everyone seems to respect me. I think it mostly has to do with what you're saying rather than how you act. Sometimes there are those people who talk a lot but it seems like nothing important comes out of their mouth.

Especially in my family when I usually sit in the background when my aunts, grandparents, and cousins quarrel. If Alyssa talks that means stfu and listen because they know that I rarely have something to say about their issues, but that I'm also not talking and instead observing from an outer perspective.

People used to interrupt me fairly often because I didn't speak a lot and spoke somewhat quietly when I did. Eventually I got upset at it, so when people started to do it I would yell at them to shut-up because I was talking. They learned to let me talk.

There are other ways shy/modest people are disrespected though.

I hate it when people interrupt my stories and wehn they do I normally shout at them but thats depending on my mood half the time I stop to at least listen to what they're talking about and if it is boring I continue talking while they are talking and it somehow works out. Most of the time when I'm quit its becuase I have nothing to say so I let others do the talking.

I'm shy with people I don't know so well and I don't want to interrupt them. There are times when I wait till they finish, I'm ready to tell something and then someone else starting...at the end everyone thinks I don't have anything to tell. That's not true, with friends and relatives I speak too much and I don't even think about interrupting them, we just talk!!!

EDIT: What I'm saying is that maybe shy people are more respectful to others and when they aren't it seems like they're rude...I really don't like to interrupt:riiight:

I think it really depends on the demeanor of the personality. You can still be highly respected even if you dont talk much, then again you can be fairly loud and forward when you speak and also be respected.

It just depends on how people take it and how you convey information through speech and personality.

Well, I for one am a very shy person, and I get stepped on basically( not literally) everyday. its been this way since I can remember. Eventually, If I get ticked off, I go play video games, or I become super quiet, and I put on my Im going to kill you if you even think about looking at me face and then only people that I care about a little bit.

Being shy will get you nowhere (sp.? LoL). You gotta get up and make your place. Otherwise you will be another one of those people who never amount to anything.

i think people who are more forceful or aggressive take what they want. people who are more introverted or submissive tend to earn it

in this capacity at least

it depends.

i usually respect shy people assumeing that everytime they talk they dont say a lot of crap.

im someone who talks a lot 1 on 1 or even 1 on up to 4. after 4 people im quiet because theres always someone in the group who thinks what im saying is stupid and has to be wise about it and i dont like to show my anger in public. but then again a lot of peopel choose to make fun of me when im not even talking.

as for being interupted when i do have something to say in a large group where im normally quiet i normally tell the person who interupted me " shut up no one cares" it normally shuts them up from then on.

I've never noticed. I tend to be considered rather shy, but only because I speak only when I have something to say, which tends to be rather uncommon. Also I spend some time thinking about it before I talk, and I have a very concise and fast speaking style.

Although I get incredibly nervous when a lot of people are looking at me, and that makes it harder for me to talk, and scrambles my thoughts.

There's a difference if you're my friend (not all of my friends are outgoing lunatics, and neither am I), but as a general rule, yes, if you are shy / modest I wouldn't think twice about not respecting you.

I'm shallow, what can I say? Incidentally people who are less shy / modest than I am probably do the same thing to me :)

It really depends on people you hang around. I was a little shy growing up but my friends never cut me off when I had something to say (which wasn't that often).

There are s lot of jerks out there that want to be heard and just don't give a rats @$$ about other people or their feelings. I've seen plenty of them (a few including my own sisters) but non of them were ever my friends.

If you are completely quiet and offer nothing in class or whatever then people will think you are either dumb or just weird.

If you say something just once in awhile that is a well-thought out sentence then you shall be a wise man who all come to for aide.

:magus:

Well I myself am not very Shy, though I'm quite opposite from most of you guys, I'm more shy around a small group of people, and talk more around large groups. If there is a large group of people just messing around then I talk a lot, but then on the other side, if it is some deep conversation, I let the people who like to talk a lot and sound like know it alls get what they want off their chests, then I'll give my two cents, only when I feel it is the right time. But in small groups I just talk when I want really, I don't talk much unless the conversation gets dragged to me. In other words I'd rather just listen to people, I follow the Speak when spoken to rule.

The most shy/modest person I know is also the only virgin I know at 24. Coincidence? I think not.

I think many of the people who interrupt the shy speaker do it because it feels safe to do so on a subconcious level and don't realize they are being jerks.

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Originally Posted by ShlupQuack

The most shy/modest person I know is also the only virgin I know at 24. Coincidence? I think not.

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You know me? :p I'm 25 tomorrow.

Short answer: Yes, generally shy people are less respected. It's not good, it's not polite, and it's usually completely wrong - but unfortunately it's a fact of life.

Long answer:
Yeah, being shy (or indeed a virgin) in our shallow society does tend to mean that people respect you less. I guess it's probably animal instinct - the one that is the loudest and most forceful gets to be the alpha of the group and usually attracts the opposite sex too. The quiet ones are seen as weak and undesirable.

Unfortunately as I know only too well, being shy isn't just something you can just "snap out of" overnight, no matter how obvious it may seem to more extrovert people or how much they tell you to. It's something you have to work at every hour of every day for years. I'm a lot better than I used to be (the virgin thing is a bit of a chicken and egg situation, but I don't actually care - I'll fix that when *I* want to and when it's meaningful, not just to prove something to some judgemental idiot) but it took a couple of years of real solid effort to get where I am now.

You do have to come out of your shell eventually, as it's needed to get a job (which is needed to support yourself, unless you enjoy being on benefits!) - sometimes you can get away with being 'loud' temporarily in an interview (by making a concentrated effort) and get into a job that way but once you're in you'll get walked on, abused, you'll never get a pay rise (too shy to ask, right? Don't ask for pay rise = don't get pay rise unless you have a *really* good boss) and won't progress. And if you show a hint of your shyness in the interview (like letting your eyes wander for too long) you won't get the job. Shyness, to 99.99% of employers, is seen as a lack of self confidence and interviews are one time when you're expected to be 100% confident (bordering on arrogant)

One thing I'm still not good at is interrupting. I think it's rude, so I don't do it. Unfortunately this means I often can't get a word in, and I know that's basically an element of shyness. I think you have to learn to interrupt others because it's seen as reasonably acceptable and expected by others, but it's certainly not easy when it goes against the grain.

Now, I'm very much generalising on society here. Some of us do understand! I think shy people are possibly worthy of *more* of my respect because they don't tend to bulls**t, they think deeply and tend to care about others, they think before opening their mouths and they know when it's important to shut up. I know because I've been there and in some cases am still there.

If I had my way I'd remain shy, because it's more true to who I am. But in this life, the way society is structured, the way people unconsciously judge, it's simply not an option. It gets you absolutely nowhere.

Good luck :)

Nice post, Cloudane.
However, I don't really think it necessarily has to take several years to get over your shyness; if you put a lot of effort in it you can work up some serious improvements in a couple of months. :)

Now I'm having a harder time that most people, because I have this Asperger's Syndrome to deal with as well (think of it as a kind of autism, although this comparison isn't altogether justified).
Oh well, it's not really that much of a hinderance any more, at least WAY better compared to my days during high school. :D

Oh, yeah, diagnosis of 'mild' syndromes was another completely separate rant of mine :D

I guess it varies from person to person... there's no way I could've transformed in just a couple of months whatever the effort, although I did make measurable *progress* in that kind of time.

Yeah, once you're out of school it's far, far easier to shake off shyness because people are a lot more mature and treat you with a lot more respect. (Or rather, they keep their malicious comments to themselves even if they still think them). It's a lot easier to be open and confident when you're not worrying about being picked-on all the time.

Heh, I can't really say I was picked on or anything during high school; on the contrary!
My classmates were actually pretty wonderful, they were really mature and understanding, and still childish when they felt like it. :D
My problem is rather that I don't like the shyness label they seem to have given me.
I acted really differently during high school, and thus their impression of me feels "wrong" - I mean, I acted in a mega-shy way all the time, so they probably assume that I really am this way; but that's wrong.
Until I started high school I was the typical teenage dude with attitude, but I still was nice and sympathetic and everything.
I highly prefer this part of myself.

Nowadays I'm sure I would act more like my true self if I should meet them again sometime.
I'm looking forward to revealing my true self for them; I can imagine the wonderful feeling. :D

I like to think of it as a kind of superpower. If nobody notices you, you might as well take advantage of it.

I'm a good thief and a better eavesdropper, and I like to keep it that way.

yus~

I'm shy.

and Yus~

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Originally Posted by The Unknown Guru

I like to think of it as a kind of superpower. If nobody notices you, you might as well take advantage of it.

I'm a good thief and a better eavesdropper, and I like to keep it that way.

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I've noticed that too, being socially invisible is often as good as the real thing. As long as you stay at least three or four feet away and don't look directly at them people will talk about nearly any secret in front of you.

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Originally Posted by Peter_20

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Originally Posted by Craig

Story of my life, sorta.

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Heh, it is indeed fairly annoying when people around you don't care about your speaking aloud. :p

...and if you object, you're "angry". :rolleyes2

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pretty much. It sucks.

Well I'm a shy person and people tell me this too and I just say "yep, I am" haha cuz i know its true..... so yep.... and i think I'm pretty respected.:love:

My personal definition of the word "respect" is as follows:

"the ability to avoid hurting others, physically or mentally"

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Are shy/modest guys less respected?

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Depends on who's doing the respecting and how shallow they are and how long they've known them and what personality the modest guy has.

I was going by the following definition of respect in the context of this thread (quoth dictionary.com):

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esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability

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In other words, I read the title as "are shy guys seen as people with lesser abilities and qualities? Are they seen as worth less than others?"

The answer is yes, because shy/modest people don't tend to show off their worth, excellence (if applicable), abilities or qualities as much as others, so it appears that these things are weaker.

I think that once someone gets to know such a person they will respect them just the same, but it'll take longer to realise because the person is not shouting their worth from the rooftops - so such people are respected less overall throughout their lives than those who are instantly respected the moment someone meets them.

So if the question is "do they get hurt more, physically and mentally than others" - that's probably a yes too. Shy/modest people are less likely to stand up for themselves, and there are plenty of folk who would happily exploit this and walk over them.

I'm quiet and shy myself in general. Occasionally, some of my friends will ask me if I'm alright. Because of my shyness and quietness, I wasn't able to take up for myself when I was teased and picked on back in grade school. People have taken advantage of me a lot before due to my shy and soft-spoken personality.

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Originally Posted by Peter_20

I always thought that shy individuals had a tendency to be treated pretty respectlessly.
I mean, I've experienced this myself back in the day, when I was really silent and didn't speak much.
Whenever I tried to say something, and I actually spoke pretty loud and clear, someone else would start talking and take no notice of me.
I usually just fell silent and sighed, and waited for the other one to finish.
Sometimes this really got on my nerves, and when someone would interrupt me I would go "ahem, I was talking, wait for your turn", and they would go "ok, ok, are you mad, or something?"

It also seems to me that shy people are treated like crap, as if their acquaintances take for granted that they can act anyway they want, like they could mention something in a rude or indignant way.

If a "shy" person gets angry or irritated, then the person will most likely be considered "weird", "mad" or something; but if a respected person gets angry, then it's completely alright.

Do you recognize this? :rolleyes2

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Yeah i can really relate to that, because i am a shy person around general people. Im not quiet in front of my friends or anything, but say if im in a class i dont say much because i dont know many people, so the odd occasion that i do say something or laugh at a joke etc, i am, like you said, considered weird. I hate how it's like this, shy people will never gain confidence because of it.