Fun with a Christian Science textbook

Bob Jones University published this amazing science textbook to explain, well, everything. You can even look through the first chapter! Trust me, it's so worth it; you will learn stuff you could not have even begun to imagine. For instance:

Did you know everything we know about the moon is based exclusively on faith, since we didn't directly observe its beginnings ourselves?

Did you know that the word "capture" is associated with gangsters and pirates, and so it's silly to associate with how the Earth may have developed a moon?

Did you know that according to evolutionists, the moon should have 100,000 inches of dust?

Did you know that electricity is a complete mystery? We have no idea how it works! We just sprinkle magic dust and chant until stuff just starts working.

EDIT: the link to the textbook is not working at the moment, and so unfortunately no more preview chapter. I'll update if I find another one.

EDIT2: here's a link to all the books in their most current edition! Some may not have previews available.

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"What do you think of when you hear the word capture? Gangsters or pirates?"

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Gangsters, definitely gangsters.

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"The solar system is so orderly that such an accident does not seem possible."

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You know, when I think of the universe, the solar system and earth, the first word that comes to my mind is orderly. I'm glad these people think so too.

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"The word condense means to "make thicker". What are scientists who believe this theory thinking?"

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Ahahaha.

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"a moonless night would be too dark for some organisms"

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Good thing God created bats with that sonar thingy, or they'd be screwed.

I want this book for my smurfing birthday. :D

Oh, and don't forget to check out the teacher's edition! You will learn valuable tools to help children acknowledge the limitations of science. For example: make the kid eat some bread and ask him what the ingredients are. When he can't answer exactly, you've just proven to him that everything he doesn't directly observe himself must be accepted on faith!

omg, someone posted the definition of electricity, and I wanted to know who actually published it! Raistlin to the skeptical rescue!

What century is it again?

Explain God's ordered world to your student through the study of the moon, light, electricity, area and volume, simple machines, digestion, animal defenses, trees, erosion, and simple classification of insects!

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Electricity is a mystery. No one has observed it or heard it or felt it.

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Do you feel God?

If the authors of this textbook would like to feel electricity, I bet that can be arranged.

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Originally Posted by Raistlin

Did you know that electricity is a complete mystery? We have no idea how it works! We just sprinkle magic dust and chant until stuff just starts working.

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OMG classic!


I believe in God but I also believe he created reason aka science behind all things on this plane of existence...


Those books are absolute rubbish

I'm buying it.

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Originally Posted by Rodarian

Those books are comedy gold

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Fixed.

I think I might actually buy a copy.

Oh I am most certainly buying the teachers edition. :D

Oh God, these kind of things make me ashamed to be a Christian. *smacks forehead*

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Originally Posted by Guardian XIII

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Originally Posted by Rodarian

Those books are comedy gold

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Fixed.

I think I might actually buy a copy.

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Thanks!

:sadpanda:

I am highly disappointed I can't read the rest of it online. If the rest of it is as genius as the moon chapter, it is well worth reading.

That was a great laugh :lol:

I feel like this textbook is making Christianity synonymous with stupidity. >:(

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Originally Posted by Rebellious Eagle

I feel like this textbook is making Christianity synonymous with stupidity. >:(

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Only if it's fundamentalist Christianity.

"Larger objects have more gravity".

Fg=G(m1*m2)/(r^2)

Fail. Basic, basic, basic physics. Gravity gets weaker as distance is increased, by their logic why are we all on the surface of the earth instead of hurdling toward the sun?

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Originally Posted by Goldenboko

"Larger objects have more gravity".

F_g=G(m₁*m₂)/(r²)

Fail. Basic, basic, basic physics. Gravity gets weaker as distance is increased, by their logic why are we all on the surface of the earth instead of hurdling toward the sun?

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It looks better when you use <sub> and <sup> tags :p

Do you have any idea how lazy I am?

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Originally Posted by Goldenboko

Do you have any idea how lazy I am?

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Yes. It still looks much better though :aimkiss:

Ha! Physics pwn.

Pretty much every page of this can be pwned by physics or some other branch of real science.

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Originally Posted by qwertysaur

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Originally Posted by Goldenboko

Do you have any idea how lazy I am?

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Yes. It still looks much better though :aimkiss:

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This is true, but he is going to be an engineer, so as long as he doesn't switch his notation, he should be fine.

In the meanwhile, I'll just tell his professors to print out all of his assignments and exams on red paper. Saves ink.

It's like we're moving backwards.

Awesome.

Good news everyone! There's a 3rd edition which just came out a couple of years ago. Unfortunately, we can't see a preview chapter. I'm sure it just continues the amazingness of the 2nd edition, though.

There's also a Space and Earth Science text published in 2005 which has a preview. Let's take a look at what gems of knowledge you can learn from this.

Did you know that anything that occurred without a person present using his direct senses to observe cannot be considered science? Unfortunately I still had to take chemistry, physics, and biology in high school.

Did you know that the definition of science is "what scientists do"?

Did you know that evolutionists have never actually tried to prove evolution scientifically?

Did you know that "scientism" is the crazy religion that believes science is the only path to truth?

Did you know that "theistic evolutionists" are guilty of twisting facts to believe what they want? Something no true Young Earth Creationist does!

Did you know that the Bible is 100%, entirely consistent with itself, unlike evolutionist theories? I dare you to spot even the tiniest contradiction!

Did you know scientists are guilty of circular reasoning because they falsely rely on carbon dating? (relying on the Bible as both the assumption and conclusion isn't circular reasoning because they say so)

Did you know that this is an example of good reasoning? "1. All that the Bible teaches is true, and therefore all scientific theories should be tested by its teachings. And 2. The Bible teaches that it is the Word of God and should govern all areas of our lives. Therefore 1." IT EVEN HAS ARROWS GOING IN A CIRCLE BETWEEN THE TWO. This is within a page of the discussion of circular reasoning being a logical fallacy! I... *head explodes*

This one was mostly about science vs. faith, so not quite as entertaining as the first one linked to in the OP because it lacked as much terrible science. But there's still plenty of awful things.

This is funny but now I want to read the first chapter - where is it? All you linked was how to buy the crap

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Originally Posted by Peegee

This is funny but now I want to read the first chapter - where is it? All you linked was how to buy the crap

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I had the same issue. Though, I could read the latest one that was linked. And I... *head explodes next to Raistlin's*

I have a question. Does anyone know of a science text book that includes evolution and also goes to lengths to try to disprove creationism?

Apparently the link in the OP no longer works. They might have taken it down considering so many people were laughing at them throughout the internet. You can still read the preview of their space and earth science "text" in my last post.

EDIT:

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Originally Posted by oddler

Does anyone know of a science text book that includes evolution and also goes to lengths to try to disprove creationism?

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I doubt you'll find an actual textbook on that, considering it would not be able to be used in public schools. There are plenty of websites and regular books devoted to that, though.

It was just ONE day! Damn nation do I have to be lurking on /b/ every day 24/7?

At least I got that jpg of electricity

Well, the 4th grade textbook may be down, but here's a link to all of them. Some of them even have previews!

I've only skimmed through a couple of them so far. The "high school" books seem boring, as it's mostly just dumbed-down science (instead of hilariously wrong). The 5th grade text's preview is just about rocks and also very boring, except for the part on page 9 where it says when you study geology, you're also studying geometry because rocks have, like, different shapes and stuff.

I'll probably go through the rest at some point this weekend, and I'll point out any more gems I find.

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Originally Posted by Raistlin

except for the part on page 9 where it says when you study geology, you're also studying geometry because rocks have, like, different shapes and stuff.

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At least that statement isn't wrong. It could be worse.

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Originally Posted by Raistlin

I doubt you'll find an actual textbook on that, considering it would not be able to be used in public schools. There are plenty of websites and regular books devoted to that, though.

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Can these books be used in public schools? I'm confused!

Anyway, the bush I was beating around was that it really irks me that people try to teach beliefs by attempting to disprove those of others. I didn't see any science books sardonically telling me that pastors didn't really know how to do their jobs. It's all just so silly!

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Originally Posted by oddler

Can these books be used in public schools?

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No.

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Anyway, the bush I was beating around was that it really irks me that people try to teach beliefs by attempting to disprove those of others. I didn't see any science books sardonically telling me that pastors didn't really know how to do their jobs. It's all just so silly!

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It is a valid way to teach to disprove wrong ideas. The problem is that creationism they teach is utterly baseless and the really valid point and i'm impressed by your thinking. science they attempt to disprove is nothing resembling the real thing.

Science books don't criticize creationist nonsense because criticizing religion would also but up against the First Amendment in public schools. But even if not, creationism isn't even worth the space to discredit, just like most scientists won't even bother to debate creationists -- just putting forth the effort of publicly rebutting them is giving them too much credit.

Well, most of the recent texts seem pretty boring. They either gave boring sample chapters or they dialed down the crazy a little bit in the newer editions so they didn’t look quite so stupid. I mean, it’s still very stupid, but it’s less laughably wrong scientific claims and instead very dumbed-down science mixed with the usual religious crap.

So instead, I’ve been looking through the older editions!

In Science 5 2nd, the preview chapter is about fossils. This was very promising until the vast majority of it is godawful boring about the history of fossils and digging them up. The first page of the sample chapter is great, though, where they say that scientific theories are just arbitrary guesses that scientists think up when they’re experimenting. I don’t think their definition of guess even meets the level of hypothesis.

Science 2 2nd is only notable for the hilarious degree of boring the sample chapter is. It’s titled “How Long Do Plants Live?” and it is about plant ages and gardening. The Table of Contents is the best part; the aforementioned plant chapter is the FIRST CHAPTER, immediately preceding “The History of the Earth.” The earth warrants further discussion in chapters 5, 9, and 11, with no rhyme or reason to the organization. I especially like the title of chapter 12: “Where Things Live.”

Oh, and that hilarious Space and Earth Science text I linked to earlier? It’s for 8th graders. xD And it’s the latest edition! Wow.

There doesn’t seem to be any more old editions, so I’ll glance through some of the newer ones. The 9th grade text is notable if only for the book’s implicit criticism of the Catholic Church for condemning Galileo’s ideas. My irony meter exploded. The rest is just boring definitions, so skip it.

It seems like we already found all the really funny ones. :(

Oh, nevermind, I’d only checked out the sample chapters before and ignoring the introductions. The 10th grade biology text’s introduction is more mind-numbing stupidity. They even concede that they put the “Word of God” first and science second. Yeah, we couldn’t tell.

Ok, that’s it for me, at least for now. But you might want to check out the Intros to some of the other books; I’m sure they are entertaining.

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/...6de8bddbaf.jpg

Haha, not surprised that page made it on there. It is mind-bogglingly stupid.

Why does she have a gun?

Christian Scientist at work

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Originally Posted by Meat Puppet

Christian Scientist at work

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"I don't have to cite everything I claim because people can do their own research!" And to back that up he states... scientists don't bother to cite things in casual conversation with each other because they already agree with the main premises. What the hell that has to do with his claim that he doesn't have to cite evidence for WILD conclusions made to skeptical audiences is beyond me.

I would love to see the list of "research" this guy claims to have did.

Ahahaha now he claims that a demand for evidence is the dirty evolutionists sticking their fingers in their ears and ignoring the creationist claims for the unfounded reason that they present no evidence. I have learned the error of my ways; next time I'll just accept anything that's told to me.

It seems to be the usual crap of stating time and again how much evidence creationism has and evolution lacks... but never actually getting around to saying what that evidence is, exactly. Typical creationist tactic.

God did it
I believe it
that settles it.

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Originally Posted by Meat Puppet

Christian Scientist at work

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Totally not gonna listen to 10 minutes of a walrus. I must say though, it has wicked glasses (but where are its tusks!? :(). I wasn't aware that I'm using a defense mechanism, though! :bigsmile:

The 4th grade edition is cute:

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Originally Posted by Science 4 Student Text

Current electricity moves through an unbroken circuit...Much like a circuit, a Christian's fellowship with God can be broken. But it is by unconfessed sin. Only by confessing a sin can a Christian "close the circuit" and renew the flow of fellowship with God.

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Oh man, I didn't even realize the first link now went to the 3rd edition of the 4th grade text. And it's the electricity chapter too! Excellent. Let's take a look at some of these gems.

... I am very disappointed. It's all just more extremely dumbed-down science. I don't remember what typical 4th graders are taught, but shouldn't they be learning about atoms and electrons? The entire chapter can be summed up with "electricity is 'negative charges' that move; they are attracted to 'positive charges' and repel other 'negative charges.'"

Hambone quotes the only good part of the chapter. It is a great quote, though. I love how these creationist nutjobs try to analogize EVERYTHING to justify their beliefs, no matter how hilariously forced the analogy is. I once was watching a Kent Hovind talk on youtube where he was saying that shooting a rubber band demonstrates a need for more reliance on faith than logic. I am not even joking.

In fourth grade I was taught that hugs were responsible for the creation of the world around us.

At least that encourages free loving Bunny. These textbooks encourage stupidity, ignorance and flaming from people who understand science.

Do these books explain how magnets work?

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Originally Posted by Værn

Do these books explain how magnets work?

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Oh man, I nearly spit out my drink when I read that. Smurfin' magnets!

And I'm curious, how do hugs create things?

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Originally Posted by Clo

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Originally Posted by Værn

Do these books explain how magnets work?

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Oh man, I nearly spit out my drink when I read that. Smurfin' magnets!

And I'm curious, how do hugs create things?

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I know how hugs can create babies.

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And I'm curious, how do hugs create things?

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Hugs make people happy. Ain't nothin' in this world was created by a person who wasn't happy.

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Originally Posted by Bunny

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And I'm curious, how do hugs create things?

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Hugs make people happy. Ain't nothin' in this world was created by a person who wasn't happy.

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Your teacher clearly had never read Russian literature. :p

Much of the world outside of the United States was unknown to me until high school.

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Originally Posted by Bunny

Much of the world outside of the United States was unknown to me until high school.

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Because you thought the world was flat right and only ended on the four corners of USA :jess:

Raistlin you seem to obsess over Christianity more than the average Christian does.

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Originally Posted by Rodarian

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Originally Posted by Bunny

Much of the world outside of the United States was unknown to me until high school.

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Because you thought the world was flat right and only ended on the four corners of USA :jess:

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Nope, I thought it was a wasteland populated by fanatics and people with bad teeth.

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Originally Posted by Rodarian

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Originally Posted by Bunny

Much of the world outside of the United States was unknown to me until high school.

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Because you thought the world was flat right and only ended on the four corners of USA :jess:

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The Four Corners of the US are on the interior of the country :confused:

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Originally Posted by The Space Pope

Raistlin you seem to obsess over Christianity more than the average Christian does.

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omg you're back <3

Not only that, but front too!

3DTV is going to work out for me very well.

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Originally Posted by The Space Pope

Raistlin you seem to obsess over Christianity more than the average Christian does.

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Disregarding for the moment the irrelevancy of your comment, considering I am mocking a stupid book for being stupid, not for being religious -- I probably do actually think about Christianity more than most Christians; in fact, that's a major reason I am not Christian.

If the comment was irrelevant then you wouldn't have replied to it and provided a rationalization.

My frequent meetings with various Christian societies has taught me that the average Christian knows absolutely nothing about their religion short of "God is Good, God is Great."

Or, "Know God, Know Peace, No God, No Peace".

Yeah, right.

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Originally Posted by The Space Pope

If the comment was irrelevant then you wouldn't have replied to it and provided a rationalization.

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Your crazy moon logic is unfamiliar to me. But surely you weren't trying to justify your comment solely on the basis of my subsequent response. That would be silly! Especially considering by that logic, nothing could be irrelevant. Or at least, not called irrelevant.

*delight*

This is not in a Bob Jones "University" textbook, but it is on the topic of "christian science:" Answers in Genesis (creationist so-called thinktank) researcher claims to have discovered a mechanism whereby light can travel light years "virtually instantaneously," and so concludes that a Biblical six-day creation is scientifically possible. It will be published in the "peer-reviewed journal" of AiG (for crackpot religious nonsense that would be laughed off a secular journal).

I can't wait to see his "research."

Great links provided of the current edition. Indeed, all replies on this thread really helped me tremendously.

I'm glad I could help

Science 1 starts students on the path of scientific inquiry with an introduction to the five senses, heat, sound, animals, gravity, and astronomy—presenting God as the Creator of all things. Students also learn about weather, the water cycle, and good stewardship of the earth by keeping it clean and not wasting.

Science 1 Subject Kit | BJU Press

heat, sound, anim...WH-WHAT?

Personally, I'm quite a fan of the Flat-Earth Society and the creation museum.

I think the Flat Earth Society website was revealed (or at least strongly suspected) to be a parody. The Creation Museum is full of genuine lulz, though.

An old science teacher of mine openly told the class that he was a member of the Flat Earth Society. My ex ex girlfriend said she was too. I really didn't get the "logic" they both spouted out.

I'm non-denominational, but this is just smurfin' hilarious.

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Originally Posted by Guardian XIII

An old science teacher of mine openly told the class that he was a member of the Flat Earth Society. My ex ex girlfriend said she was too. I really didn't get the "logic" they both spouted out.

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... and they were serious?

I must say, I have never actually met a Flat Earther. I didn't think they even existed anymore in the developed world.

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Originally Posted by Raistlin

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Originally Posted by Guardian XIII

An old science teacher of mine openly told the class that he was a member of the Flat Earth Society. My ex ex girlfriend said she was too. I really didn't get the "logic" they both spouted out.

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... and they were serious?

I must say, I have never actually met a Flat Earther. I didn't think they even existed anymore in the developed world.

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Yes; How did they explain the curvature of the earth, visible by the naked eye, visible from a high vantage point (such as a mountain)?

It clearly curves outward to the edges of the disk that our earth is. At the edges the water then sprays off, over the elephants and turtle.

So what happens when the elephant wants to take a dump or something...

When I saw "celestial sphere" in the astronomy section, I really hoped it was going to peddle the renaissance view that the heavens consist of concentric crystal spheres. Alas.

It's odd that their section on 'circular reasoning' notes, in summary, that "Christian scientists rely on presuppositions based on the Bible, while secular scientists do not". By their own definitions and explanations, this seems to gravely undermine their notion of faith-based science. It's also rather a slight against the many fine scientists whose religious beliefs don't interfere with their research.

It's sad and a little frightening that this kind of work is still circulated in an educated, first-world country. Sure, it's covered by free speech and religious freedom laws, but beyond that I would have hoped that education, reason and religion would have evolved to the point where it's no longer necessary. By and large, I guess this is the case in most of our countries. It's only a handful of outlying denominations that are still clinging to this kind of backward fundamentalism; hopefully attrition and the natural advantages provided by a real education will gradually whittle away at what little support these groups still have.

bob jones university has a mandatory room check every morning to make certain your room is clean. I'm sorry, once you're 18, you have a right to have a messy dorm.

what

Geocentrism: They Know It But They're Hiding It
Scientific Experiments Showing Earth Motionless In Space
Scientific Evidence: Earth in the Center of the Universe

oh my god xD

:trollface:

Continental drift is a lie because Dinosaurs made boats to sail to other continents and that's why there are fossils



No, I'm not :bou::bou::bou::bou:ting you.

I'm sure some/all of them are Poes (religious parody troll, named after Poe's Law). Of course it can be very difficult to tell the difference, hence the existence of such a "law."

I hate everything about the past 5 posts... all of this has been just awful.

Bonus extra crazy: The Earth is Not Moving.

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All of the evidence that is required to expose and destroy the counterfeit Copernican Model of a rotating and orbiting Earth--and the entire evolutionary paradigm resting upon that counterfeit--is set out in this book & in scores of links on this web page.

Those who read some or all of these links--and listen to the Audios--will quickly realize that this is no idle claim. Rather--as will become evident with each subject listed--there is abundant hard proof that both the Copernican Counterfeit and the Big Bang Evolutionary Paradigm that is built upon it are factless frauds from start to finish.

Indeed, the diligent reader (and listener) will be astonished at the level of demonstrable hi-tech fraud, baseless assumptions, occult mathematics, etc.,--all part of a Satan-empowered, anti-Christ religious Cabal--that has been at work over many centuries implanting the incredible evolution myth about the origin of the Universe, the Earth, and Mankind.

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I believe the website is serious.

It can't be. It just can't be serious.

"Today’s cosmology fulfills an anti-Bible religious plan disguised as "science". The whole scheme from Copernicanism to Big Bangism is a factless lie."

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

ONLINE RADIO STATION bahaha. Also, all the color is making me nautious.

This all reminds me of when Jehova's Witnesses gives me brochures about how evolution only moves in circles and so never creates new species, just variations of pre-existing species.

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Originally Posted by Shorty

Also, all the color is making me nautious.

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That's a big hint that it is, in fact, serious. Crazy kooks for some reason love garishly designed websites, bright colors, and randomly capitalized words. That website does not have as much capitalization, but the other factors are there in abundance.

Another hint is the consistent reference to the original discoverer of a theory as its sole champion. Heliocentric theory is "Copernicanism," just as evolution to anti-evolution whackjobs is "Darwinism." The fundie mind can't comprehend that scientific theories are actually developed by observation and that, regardless of Copernicus or Darwin, we would have made those same discoveries. And that we don't, in fact, worship everything they say.

Lastly, the author insists on demeaning the scientific theories by equating or associating them with religious beliefs (which, by the way, always boggles my mind -- doesn't such tactics implicitly concede that empiricism is superior to religious faith?). For instance:

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Furthermore, a search of 'Cassini and the Occult' will reveal its Hindu Theosophy and Jesuit roots. So--as with the Copernican Keystone of the Pharisee Religion's Big Bang Evolutionary Paradigm [2]--Cassini's Model is "religious" deception, not "secular" science as claimed. FACT: ALL models of the "cosmos" are religious![3]

So, there is no secular/non-religious Model of the Universe; i.e., no Atheist option.

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I am pretty certain the author is entirely serious. Or this is the most intricate and impressive parody I've ever seen.

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Originally Posted by Timekeeper

It clearly curves outward to the edges of the disk that our earth is. At the edges the water then sprays off, over the elephants and turtle.

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turtles all the way down

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Originally Posted by Aerith's Knight

Oh God, these kind of things make me ashamed to be a Christian. *smacks forehead*

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this

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Originally Posted by Raistlin

Bonus extra crazy: The Earth is Not Moving.

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All of the evidence that is required to expose and destroy the counterfeit Copernican Model of a rotating and orbiting Earth--and the entire evolutionary paradigm resting upon that counterfeit--is set out in this book & in scores of links on this web page.

Those who read some or all of these links--and listen to the Audios--will quickly realize that this is no idle claim. Rather--as will become evident with each subject listed--there is abundant hard proof that both the Copernican Counterfeit and the Big Bang Evolutionary Paradigm that is built upon it are factless frauds from start to finish.

Indeed, the diligent reader (and listener) will be astonished at the level of demonstrable hi-tech fraud, baseless assumptions, occult mathematics, etc.,--all part of a Satan-empowered, anti-Christ religious Cabal--that has been at work over many centuries implanting the incredible evolution myth about the origin of the Universe, the Earth, and Mankind.

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I believe the website is serious.

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Let's talk about this for a moment because I often have problems understanding why we have seasons (the tilt of the earth causes more light to hit the Northern/Southern hemisphere; but I don't understand how that comes to be in terms of the rotation of the earth). I think one of the questions brought to my attention was 'if the sun rotated around the earth, what would it look like from earth?'

Of course since we've been to outer space we know that the earth rotates around the sun, but let's ignore that for a moment for the sake of conversation.

Given that the earth did not rotate, would we have seasons?

I think "Christian Science" may be one of my favorite oxymorons.