You can't make the bacon without bringing the heat
Here's the title screen. Looks pretty good, right? I dunno what standards we usually judge title screens by. At least it's got some colour, and all that copyright info. Man, 1987 was a long time ago. I didn't realise they had Final Fantasy back during the first world war!
Anyway, on to business. You have to press the start button and pick the blue guy with the sword, not the orgasming pink chick.
With that sorted, now we're presented with another choice. Load game won't save us now, time for a new game! TODAY IS THE DAY FOR OUR ADVENTURE!
We're presented with a group of four shoddy looking people whose parents were so mean that they didn't name them. For some reason these four folks want us to name them. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't let this guy name me.
Nevertheless, the party members need names, and they need jobs too! Again, I don't think I'd let someone who looks like this pick my profession. I always wanted to bake muffins for a living. Do you know the muffin man? I am the smurfing muffin man!
So our band of misfits are ready to begin their grand journey. Or take a trip to the local store to buy eggs and milk. I'm not really sure yet, but we'll figure it out as we go, right?
I believe this movie plays here!
Well, here we are. Just a couple of country kids trying to make it big in the city. I don't know how we got here, but Adventuring 101 tells us that the first thing anyone should do when beginning a world adventure or even going to buy the previously mentioned bread and milk is to check your pockets.
So not off to a good start. But at least we have each other, right? Let's have a little meet and greet with our party members. First off we have Jorge.
I'm Jorge the Barbarian and I'm in charge of this here party! HERE ME ROAR, MOTHERTRUCKERS! I'm the leader because I'm the roughest toughest son of a bitch around, and if you wanna argue with that, I will kick your smurfing shins in and stab you in your nipples. So smurfing deal with it.
But you're not even a real Barbarian Jorge, you're a Black Mage.
Listen here you pompous twat, I'm a smurfing Barbarian because I say I'm a Barbarian. Come here and I'll stab your smurfing nipples, Qwert~! What kind of a smurfing name is Qwert~ anyway? HOW DO YOU EVEN PROUNCE THAT TILDE YOU TOSSING SALAD FACE?
You just sing my name like there's a music note there♪
Whatever.
Is it my turn, is it my turn!? :hyper: I'm LADDY and I'm fabulous. I just looooove protecting my delightful teammates. They're just so cuuute~~~
ENOUGH WITH THE smurfING TILDES. TODAY IS THE DAY FOR MY ADVENTURE, YOU'RE JUST THE EXTRAS.
Now hang on just a minute there Johnny.
It's JORGE.
Okay Roger. Look, I'm the Warrior, so obviously I should be in charge. The great DD, here to save the world and bring back just enough bread and milk, and maybe a twix for good measure. I should be in charge, because I'm the smartest and most dashing hero of all time.
Oh my, he's so handsome~~~
I can tell I'm going to hate this adventure already.
Wait, your name is DD? Like, "dee dee"?
Yes, what of it?
That's flippin' ridiculous. The itty bitty warrior has a GIRL'S NAME!
Coming from you, you pretentious thieving bastard.
Can we get back to the adventuring now?
Let's.
Right. Now as I would've been saying an hour ago if not for these interruptions, we're in Final Fantasy, so that means you're looking at a battle eve-- DID I TELL YOU TO MOVE?! NO, NO I DID NOT TELL YOU TO MOVE! WHY DID YOU MOVE!?
Now of course, the first thing you should do when attacked by some enemies is try to destroy them as quickly as possible. What is the best way to do this? Zap the smurfing tit out of them with super smurfing death magic of death and destruction and turn their corpses to ash. So, shall we.
We...uh...we may have a problem.
What? What problem could we possibly have?
I, uh, we, uh. I didn't bring the spellbooks.
You didn't bring the spellbooks? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You know what, smurf it, smurf you and smurf this. We are not even here for five smurfing minutes and now a bunch of spastic goblins are going to ass rape me because you didn't bring the spellbooks. Okay, change of plan. Qwert~, you try and steal something off those bastards that we can actually use.
Well, I can't actually do that you know. I don't know how to steal. My mama always told me to be an honest lad.
You have got to be kidding me. How can you be a smurfing thief if you cannot steal anything from anyone? Did you go to thief school and sleep through every smurfing class? Good lord, I am surrounded by absolute idiots. You are all incompetent backtown yobbos with tit for brains and I will be smurfing glad if they cut off your testicles and wear them on a necklace.
Hey, no sweat, creepy disembodied narrator voice guy. We'll just use my tried and true method - wailing on them with sticks and tit.
I want to hit them with my lovely big HAMMER~
Whatever, it's your funeral.
Okay, we survived. I don't know how, but our first battle is over. Let's hope there aren't many more of these...
-------------
Ominous words from the disembodied narrator! Tune in next time as the party finally takes their second step, and then hopefully a few more into the Kingdom of Cornelia!
Episode Two is always worse because the best ideas went into the first
So when we left our party they had just won their first ever battle! Somehow, don't ask me how, because I don't know how a group of idiots survived that onslaught. They decided to, under the great guidance of Jorge, to go into town.
The guy wouldn't let us leave, and then he whacked us on the head. When we woke up, we were in an expensive looking room which presumably belonged to the leader of this crime syndicate, The King. he sure liked to roleplay too, he had a crown and everything.
So far our journey had been pretty crap. We were being held captive by a gangster who was trippin' balls, we didn't have our spellbooks, we were dirt poor and nobody had even seen a goddamn supermarket to buy our bread and milk.
Shut your damn whore mouth, Chancellor Idiotface. Of course we are the damn Warriors of Light foretold by Lucas's prophecy.
It was Lukahn.
Same guy, different name, whatever. My point still stands!
Besides, John, we're not actually the Warriors of Light.
MY NAME IS JORGE YOU INSUFFERABLE smurfWIT. And for crying out loud, just try to grow a braincell for one stinking minute and listen. This crazy mothersmurfer might let us go if we're these Warriors of Sunshine or whatever the smurf it is. So please, unless you think you can fight your way out of something a little harder than a wet paper bag, shut up and let me do the talking.
He's soooo confident and controlling, I love a man in charge. Me-oow~ I think we should listen to Jorgey Porgey!
No such thing as coincidences, am I right or am I right?
You're left handed.
Of course, King dude. Whatever you want is our command. That's what I'm meant to say, isn't it Frank?
It's Jorge, Jorge, JORGE. What is wrong with you?
I have trouble remembering the names of idiots.
*snip*
Jorge, come on man, settle down. Let's listen to what The King wants us to do, alright?
Fine.
Is she hot?
Will she have pillow fights with me? :jess:
Yeah, will she have pillow fights with me? :aimsun:
Hang on, if you know where they are, why don't you go and rescue her yourself? Your gangster did a pretty good number on us earlier, send him.
But it's time for us to be heroes, you know~ We have to save the day and bring the princess home safe and snug! :jess:
So let me get this straight. Your best fighter in the whole of your gang has buggered off to bugger your daughter, and none of your other gangsters could save her. So you want us, a bunch of weirdos you just met, to go and fight this guy? Look I know we're awesome, but we're fighting with sticks.
I have a hammer, weee~ :jess:
For once, I have to agree with you Wilson. This doesn't seem like a very logical decision. How did we even get here again?
They hit you on the head with a rock and put a bag over your face. I tried to run away but I ran into an open door and then I woke up here.
:|
Really. Because, well, you know, we haven't actually spoken to anyone else since we got here.
And Warren doesn't even know where we're going in the first place.
I just wanted some iced tea.
And marshmallows! :jess:
Yeah, leaving the only passage into the outside world destroyed for years seems like a sensible choice to me.
Maybe they like being alone?
Don't you go emo on me, don't you do it!
So we've been tasked with rescuing some chick from a really ominous sounding place from a dude who probably just wants to be loved. Us, a band of idiots, myself excluded because I'm not an idiot. But seriously, how can this get any worse...?
-----
More ominous words from our disembodied party narrator! This disembodied narrator feels that the other one should keep his mouth shut or risk bringing his friends to ruin! Next update, the apparent Warriors of Light venture forth...into Cornelia town!
Episode Three and the Curse of the Black Pearl
So our drug baron named King had finally shut up. It would usually be a time for a great joy and relaxation. What does Jorge do? HE GOES AND TALKS TO THE KING AGAIN.
Finally, King has shut up. Now Jorge, let's leave before anyth--
Hello Chancellor.
Fffffffuuuuu--
We left the fancy pants crib and started heading towards the exit. Of course nothing ever goes to plan, does it?
Can we look around for some free stuff?
Why do you want to look around for free stuff? You're a crap thief anyway, I'm sure you've got some kind of weird morality problem with taking free samples at the supermarket!
That reminds me, can we pick up some doughnuts when we get there?
Get where?
The supermarket Jenkins! WHERE ELSE?
This put Jorge in a pretty bad mood, so he decided to piss everyone off just so we could all feel as rubbish as he did. How did he do this? He spoke to every damn person in King's crib.
I like your hair man. I want my hair like yours.
Oh yes, let me style it for you Deedee, it'll look sublime~
You're not real good at taking a compliment, are you?
GOOD GRIEF WOMAN WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR
Maybe she just likes the colour green! DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT? Green is my favourite colour you jerk :aimsad:
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE HAS URINATED IN HER HAIR AND THEN BLOWDRIED IT
I'm beginning to regret this now.
ANOTHER ONE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PLACE? DO YOU KNOW NOTHING OF STYLE? AS A CHIROTONSOR, AN ARTISTE DE LA CRINAL, I MUST OBJECT TO SUCH ILL TREATMENT OF ONE'S LOCKS!
What did he say?
He said let's keep walking Barry.
THAT DOES IT. WE'RE GOING TO GO AND MURDER THE HAIRDRESSER HERE.
His name is Garland.
RIGHT, GARLAND, I'M GOING TO smurf YOU WITH SCISSORS. HAIRDRESSING SCISSORS.
Episode Three Pt II in which we make more money on cinema tickets
While it was nice to have Laddy fired up and ready to kill, it was actually pretty hazardous to be around him at a time like this. His speciality scissors were now cutting the air frantically as he tried to contain his deep set anger. Jorge had a brilliant idea -- let's keep walking around talking to people. In fairness though, DD's suggestion was worse.
Let's go talk to that Jayne chick again.
Yeaaaah no. :colbert:
Those ancient weapons wouldn't be, y'know, free by any chance, would they?
BEARD....GOOD....RAGE...SUBsiding...
Seriously, what were you thinking?!
Yep, okay, that didn't work. I feel really dizzy now could somebody please :barf:
Once he was feeling better and not barfing all over his robe, we decided to head into Cornelia town proper.
We decided to duck into the INN and avoid the wrath of Laddy in Hulk mode.
The sight of some sweet beards seemed to calm the rage in Laddy, and so we braved outside once more. It was... real green outside.
Do you have a smurfing problem with that, narrator?
Uhh, no sir. Good grief, everyone is so tetchy around here. Take some chill pills or something. Smoke a bud, it's green.
Are you wisecracking me? Because I swear man, I've had it up to about here with these jokes. You're always making fun of me for my name or my favourite colour or my job. My parents didn't love me, alright? They were too busy being popular on the internet.
Oh.
Sorry.
Blue hair, so lovely~
Yes, even Laddy was happy.
Could you, uh, do that dance one more time?
We really ought to be goi-- oh yeah, that's the way.
We decided to head to the armour shop to have a little bit of a browse.
We ended up buying some Leather Armour for Qwert~ and some Chain Mail for DD. Somehow it was all within our budget!
Then it was off to the store full of sharp, stabby things; Ye Olde Weapone Shoppe!
We bought two Rapey-ers, one for Qwert~ and one for DD, and also a shiny new Hammer for Laddy. It was a risk, giving a guy prone to psychotic outbreaks a huge hammer, but we wanted him to be dangerous when it came time to battle Garland.
We continued following Jorge on his ever present quest to talk to every single person on the entire planet.
Look I have a problem ALRIGHT JUST LEAVE IT ALONE.
Sounds like a bit of OCD to me.
IT'S CDO YOU MUST ARRANGE THE LETTERS IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER.
Settle. the smurf. down.
Sorry.
We went to the item shop next.
And then we went...to church.
-----
What goes on while our heroes are in the church? Is one of them -- *gasp* -- a heathen? Well all of them are, but that isn't part of the big reveal! The next instalment is jam-packed full of exciting information, so find out what really happens next in the next episode!
Episode 4 in which Goku has enough energy for the Spirit bomb and the plot moves on
We left our party in the church with some dramatic music playing. That was all an unnecessary cliffhanger, because absolutely nothing goes on here.
Jorge was adamant that we talk to everyone. He didn't want to miss any information or clues, hints or even treasure. Everybody else just kind of followed him, shuffling their feet and looking at the ground as he barged into people screaming HELLO MY NAME IS JORGE TELL ME YOUR INFORMATION CITIZEN.
And then we remembered a vital piece of information. Nobody had brought the smurfing spellbooks. So off we went to buy some new ones. The Black Magic store was first.
We meet again, Martyr.
Who the heck are you?
You're.. you're kidding, right? It's me, Jorge! We went to Magic School together!
Right, you're the weirdo who always said he was going to become a barbarian and that magic was tit.
...Yeah that's me.
So what can I do you for?
Just a fire spell for my friend uhh, uhh, well see he's a red mage and uhh yeah just one fire please.
After that showdown between two old rivals, we headed onwards to the White Magic store!
Hello brother dearest!
Who are you talking to, you crazy woman?
Sister dearest! :jess:
Oh boy.
Everyone, this is my sister Lassy. We're twins, would you believe it?
Pa thought we were both going to be girls so he tried to name my brother Lady!
So is Lady his real name or what?
I don't even care, I'm calling him Lady from now on. Hey Lady, watch out for that goblin. hahaha I'm such a dick :shobon:
Okay Lassy just gimme a cure spell and we'll be on our way. Gosh why do you always have to embarrass me in front of my friends I thought maybe DD and I could be something special but you went and ruined it. :(
And with those two awkward encounters, it was finally time to g--
GO TO THE SEASIDE.
It was then time to get on with the mission. This is too much effort sometimes, I don't know why I bother. I should follow around that stripper girl instead.
And then it got worse.
The battle was fierce, and Jorge found himself wounded quite badly. But it was Laddy to the rescue!
Qwert~ and DD did not want to feel left out of the fight though!
The battle was soon won, and everybody felt stronger for it. TIME FOR FANFARE MUSIC.
And with that, the first boss battle is completed!
Uhm. That wasn't a boss battle. There was no cool death effects or sounds or anything.
So it was just a really really hard ordinary encounter?
Just because you almost died doesn't mean we found it challenging.
Onwards, then? We took a look at the bridge.
We left the crazy cave and headed north some more. The Chaos Shrine was in sight now, but there were still some challenges to be faced.
My favourite thing about spiders is that DD is afraid of them. He's like Ronald Weasley, except instead of being cute, British and ginger, he is only one of those things.
And then there was the moment that changed our lives forever.
Ahem. Jorge was beaten senseless by a pair of skeletal warriors from the realm of the dead. I don't know how they were walking around in sunlight, I thought they were like vampires and burned up. Or at least sparkled, or something.
But with Jorge KO'ed, the party retreated back to Cornelia. They had to pray for Jorge's safe passing into the next life.
And then, after much ado, it was time for our journey to begin proper.
Under new guidance. With a new champion.
Everyone, please welcome the new party leader.
Episode Five; Garland Bowling
With Qwert~ in charge, there was a change of pace for our heroes. Qwert~ didn't want to be throwing away his precious gold to revive Jorge all the time, so he created an intensive fitness program called "beating the tit out of monsters".
You are not going to bed until you've all reached level 5!
You're a cruel and twisted man you know.
Shut it you wimp. You want to be a leader, then show some determination! FIGHT FIGHT WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT. Garland is not going to simply keel over and die when he sees your face, so you need to be stronger!
And true to his word, once they hit level five, the party returned to Cornelia to rest up for the big day. There was no rest day, to give the party's muscles time to recover from their training regime. No, he didn't want to be late.
Qwert~ was running a tight ship, with a lot of rules and regulations. He was a particular fan of formations.
And now, with our party feeling refreshed and eager to face the challenges of the day ahead of them, it was off and onwards to the Chaos Shrine at long last.
Hold on one gosh darn minute guys.
Do we have to stand in the idling formation or loitering formation?
No it'll be the important mission update formation.
Ahh, good point Janus.
Can you smell that?
Has a bat defecated on you?
No! I smell...TREASURE!
(Qwert~ gained the Treasure Sense skill!)
To the left, follow me!
Now to the north!
To the right, which can only be east if north was up!
That was an unnecessary clarification.
Did you say something DD?
I said "yay treasure".
Then it was time for the ultimate showdown.
After we fought our way through all these damn monsters.
After all these battles, we actually made it to level 6 too, so we were feeling super prepared to take on the definitely evil but maybe just misunderstood Garland.
In the centre of the building, in probably the most ominous room in the most ominous building I have ever seen, Garland awaited us. Well, he was really just kind of dicking around and we were a complete and utter surprise.
Yeah hi. We're the Light Warriors, and we're he--
TO MURDER YOU FOR BEING A RUBBISH HAIRDRESSER. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HAIR DO YOU? I BET YOU'RE BALD UNDER THAT STUPID PURPLE HELMET. THE TIME FOR DISCUSSION IS OVER, IT'S NOW HAMMER TIME.
So yeah, some tit happened then. It was a pretty easy battle, considering our fighting prowess and Laddy's rage. I swear he damn near cut off Garland's head with a hammer.
The battle was won, we celebrated a bit lot and then we perched creepily over this unconscious and probably sexually attractive female.
----
What will happen to Princess Sarah, the young defenceless girl collapsed on the floor? Will our party members be able to fight off the hordes of bats to protect her, or will they become the bats themselves? (Hint: Neither.) Tune in next time for Episode Six; I'm on a Bridge Mothersmurfer!
Episode Six; I'm on a Bridge mothersmurfer!
When we last saw our brave Light Warriors, they were perched creepily above the unconscious and vulnerable Princess Sarah.
Fortunately the most lecherous of our companions was Laddy, and he wasn't really interested in her for some reason. Anyway, the sound of the thousands of nearby bats just kind of flapping about woke Sarah up and, for some reason, she didn't flip her tit.
And thus we teleported from the rubbish Chaos Shrine back to King's crib. Thank smurf we're out of that crappy temple. Now let's never go there again. EVER.
Let me get this straight. The prophesy doesn't foretell our coming, it's just that if we're not the Warriors of Light, then the whole world is gonna need a torch?
That's not quite it. The Crystals control the elements of our world, and maintain a balance. If they are thrown out, then all hell will break lose. Quite literally, according to some legends.
I reckon we could fight some demons. Did you see the way I handled those goblins?
How about the way those skeletons handled your ass, Liam?
Uhh yeah well YOUR FACE IS A SKELETON!
OH GOD NOT MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!
NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE!
*sigh* So King, you were saying?
Qwert~ used his Treasure Sense and it resonated with Sarah. That, or he thinks she's cute and wanted to get to know her better. Either way, he started chatting her up with her.
It was time to go and so Jorge and DD dragged Qwert~ out of the main chamber. Qwert~ wiped away a single tear and steeled himself to return to his beloved when the world was saved.
I did not!
Hey man, I'd take that one. You sound really badass and brave.
I, well, sure, okay. That's what I did then. She is cute but.
Before we left on our Crystal Quest of Convenience, Qwert~ had one last chat to Awesome-Hair-Guy (who we learned was named Andy).
And you guys thought the lute wasn't good loot.
Forget I said anything. Let's go shatter some freaking evil.
I got dibs on it first. I want to try and play Toxicity by System.
So long Andy of the awesome hair :(
When we left the castle, some awesome upbeat music started playing and then we all had sort of an out-of-body experience.
Click Me!
It was particularly strange because we all dreamed that DD was the party leader and he was some kind of buff macho man. This is of course absurd because he has to use big swords to fight, his fists would break if he tried to hit anything.
After that though, we woke up on the bridge. I have to say, I never thought I'd see the day.
----
How did our heroes get suckered into a world saving mission? Are they cut out to be Warriors of Light? Will they get paid for this? These and many more questions will be asked in the next episode; Witches and Pirates!
Episode Seven - Witches and Pirates!
We stood on that bridge for what seemed like an eternity. Obviously it wasn't; the world hadn't gone into meltdown yet, so our mission was still on schedule. Why're we doing this again?
We're the only ones who can! Plus, Princess Sarah might like me a bit more if we save the world :blush:
It's just something to do.
There might be more evil hairdressers out there. I have to put a stop to their reign of terror! I also must find one of these crystals to bring back to Andy :love:
I like my steak medium rare. If the world goes to hell, there'll only be crispy steaks. Hell no. Hey that was a pun!
Anyway, it was time for us to wander onwards. We weren't really sure where we were going, but I remember that one guy talking about pirates. Everybody loves pirates, so we were heading onwards to Pravoka!
Where is that, again?
East. Ish. We'll figure it out as we go along.
Right.
We had to fight some battles along the way, big surprise. We were on a high after our defeat of Garland, but things were certainly a bit tougher on this side of the bridge.
Eventually we made it....somewhere.
Uh, hello? Anyone home?
Does anyone hear...sweeping?
There are spiders in caves. Can we leave now?
Can't say I like the decor. Purple is in this season though!
Huh, guess nobody's home. Treasure time!
Poor woman can't see a thing! No wonder her decor is so bad!
Crystal eye? Sounds like treasure. I wonder where we can find it!
You lost me at crystal.
I mean what's with this rug, it's like ten metres across! Buy some carpet!
If she's just lost it, it must be around here somewhere!
Well I guess we're not finding any treasure here. We'll come back later and see if she has anything to borrow.
yer certainly a lot better at being a thief these days.
Yeah, like you've got less...morals or something.
Huh. I don't know, but I've had this insatiable itch ever since we opened those treasure boxes a while back.
Oh god he's a klepto. Just don't steal my robe, okay? Just leave the robe alone.
Whatever, let's just leave.
That damned swishing again!
They seem to be speaking in some sort of code...
I speak the language of cleaning, I know the answer!
Yeah okay just be quiet a minute and let me figure this out. There's some scrap paper in my back pocket...
He said B Button Select. It's how you find the map.
Hey yeah, that's written on his back pocket!
Don't be stu-- so it is! Well isn't that a good bit of luck?
But I figured it out :(
Now that I've found the map, we can go to Pravoka!
Of course, there were more battles along the way.
Good point, narrator. I'm glad we talked to Mr. NCG Greenhawk. Let's rest up at the inn!
Much better. Now let's make sure we're properly outfitted!
WHOO SHOPPING TRIP!
Laddy was still sulking about the map incident when we went to the White Magic store, so we didn't buy any new spellbooks for him.
I was not sulking.
Well, I guess he just didn't like the spells then.
Exactly.
Jorge, on the other hand...
I am smurfing invincible now. I have Blizzard, for freezing the enemies' ballsacks off.
wat :|
I have Slow, so our enemies will move like snails and I can run around and moon them.
srsly wat :|
And I bought Temper so I can make DD hit harder. He hits like a pussy at the moment and that'll be no good if a boss comes around.
Come here and say that Marick, I'll show you what I can do to yer ballsack.
SRSLY WAT :|
I did not mean that as it sounded. Honestly. Oh smurf. Ohhhh smurf.
You were saying? :bigsmile:
Alright let's just get back to the shopping. We upgraded weapons too. Qwert~ got a Scimitar.
I might be able to trick the pirates into thinking I'm with them!
DD got a Broadsword, because the Battle Axe was too heavy and slow. Jorge was rustling around in the backpacks and decided Laddy's old Staff was cooler than a Knife.
I'm a barbarian for crying out loud, a tiny little knife looks stupid. Now I can bludgeon with this lump of wood!
We all got Leather Gloves too, to keep our hands warm during the cold nights out in the wilderness. There was also the high five incident...
You promised not to talk about that.
I'm not talking about it! Honest! I just mentioned it! I'll stop, chill out, it's okay!
We'll see. If I could see you, I'd steal yer wallet.
We sold our old Rapey-ers, Knives and the spare Clothes.
What am I going to wear on casual Friday?
It's No-Pants Friday.
Oh well that's easy.
We didn't have quite enough to buy Iron Armour for DD, and because he bitched and moaned about it, we went out of Pravoka to hunt some monsters for more gil.
With all of that taken care of, we headed back into town for our showdown with the pirates. NCG did promise us a reward if we took them out, right?
Killing is its own reward.
That is really smurfing morbid.
Sorry, I didn't get my cornflakes this morning.
Ha ha! That was an easy fight.
Ha yeah... yeah it sure was! ...ha ha. *wheeze*
Alright, where should we go first?
Steakhouse.
Who cares, let's just sail! I can be like a VIKING now!
Shouldn't we like, say thank you or something?
Ugh... fine. Let's say thank you to Bikke.
Anyway, as we were walking and discussing where to head next, this random sage who wasn't standing there before came up and was all in our grillz.
So, where to?
We head west.
----
Will our brave Light Warriors make it to Melmond? Have they forgotten all about their Crystal Quest of Convenience? And what of Matoya's crystal eye? This is a tale of many questions, and few answers! But find out more in the next episode; Sailing On The Seven (Give or Take) Seas!
Hey man, thanks for doing these little updates at the end of each entry. It's nice to have it all sort wrapped up nicely, and let's everyone know what to look forward to next time.
Yeah sure, it's no problem. Just happy to be of service to a fellow disembodied narrator!
Hey, you and me should get a beer sometimes. I'm sure the Light Warriors will manage to survive that long without us looking after them.
Sounds like a date! ...No homo.
No homo.
:beer:
(Hey, I heard that! :nonono:)
Episode Eight - Sailing on the Seven (Give or Take) Seas!
D'ya thinks it such a good idea to continue while yer a wee bit tipsy still?
ahaha course I do! What the worst that can happen? :bigsmile:
Awwrightio then, see ya after t' episode.
Riiiiiiiiight where were we at 'fore of all that? Aahhhhh yesssh. I 'member now.
And we was headin' erm well not too sure about that one.
West.
Riiiiight! That beardy guy was all, "save my fish pond!" and tit.
He wanted us to save his town, Melmond.
Same differentials! Jus' git on the boot and let's roll!
It's a ship, and we're sailing. You have to use the right terminology if you want yer scout badge!
I dunt care if it's a bloomin' hellcopter, we do this my way or the motorway. Now let's roll the boot!
(We just have to make do.)
AH! WHATDASMURFISDAT!
Guys guys guys, that was smurfing scary. TOO MUCH MAN NO WAY AM I FIGHTIN SHARKS. Let's jus' play cards. OH OH HOW BOUT THIS GAME!? Hold erm hold the A Button an' press B Button lots, real fast like yer tryin' to um something.
K well that took some time amirite? :)
We're on a time sensitive mission here. We need to gather intel as to the location of the crystals and prevent them from decaying any further.
I gotsa crystal in my pants wanna see? ;)
What are we doing with this idiot? I thought Henrique was stupid, but come on.
I can't believe you would compare the two of us. I am so offended, I've forgotten how to be angry.
Let's just do some training. The ocean is a good place for farming EXP and Gil. Buccaneers are loaded. I want me some of that coinage.
Right, now that we're level 10, let's sail over to Cornelia and rest. It's cheaper there, you know?
So yer a penny pincher too now? I'm thinking it was better with me in charge :colbert:
Shaddup Kevin. When you were in charge, we spent days talking to every stupid looking idiot you could find. TWICE! At least Qwert~'s financial strategies mean I can upgrade my sexy armour whenever possible.
Are you kidding me? You got drunk again?
We did body shots offa this monk dude. His abs were mental. You shoulda been there!
I wish I could have been there :(
OH YEAH! You woulda loved it mang, honest to odin man.
I don't know about you guys, but I think we need more intel. Relying on this guy is not a good idea.
Let's visit the stripper! For, you know, information gathering purposes only :shifty:
So, to the Western Keep then! Anybody know where that lies, apart from west?
OH ME PICK ME I KNOW.
Honestly?
YEAAAAAAH!
Which way then?
Gimme that map o' yers.
Alright, let's go then.
There is smurfing nothing out here guys.
Tarquin is right. I don't see no keeps, western or not.
Hang on a minute. *sniff* I smell...treasure!
This way!
This doesn't seem like the place we were looking for...
No, but there's treasure somewhere!
Is this...dirt? My robe is getting real dirty in here, I don't like it. Can we leave please?
Wait!
Okay, I'm good to leave now. The other treasure is behind one of those stupid mystic key doors.
Hang on a minute. It's not right that we just walk in and steal all their tit without at least saying hello, right?
...:|
Ease up on the death stare, it's only a couple people, honest! We don't have to talk to everyone if you don't want to.
I understand the bearded hat men! I know what they sayin'!
Smurf it, we're leaving.
Guys guys guys guys I dunt think that'sa good idea.
Too bad. Everybody back on the ship!
eheheheh they had to go to churchy dude in Cornville and wake up. They had a wicked hangover too :hahaha:
I'd like to table a motion.
We're not in a meeting, but go for it.
I vote DD becomes a meatshield for Laddy and I.
I would like to sexily second that marvellous motion.
Huh?
I'm tentatively trying out some awesome alliteration, it's a humorous habit I picked up while hiking in the Himalayas.
Whatever. All those in favour? Aye.
Aye.
Aye.
Smurf no, what?
The Ayes have it over the smurf no, whats. DD, yer a meatshield buddy.
Also, just so you all know, the map has only one accessible port left on it. We're going there.
So long as we're not listening to that idiot.
Who, me? AW C'MON YA BIG LUG.
That settles it then. We're heading south.
For... uh I'm not sure this time.
----
Just come back next time when I don't have a splitting headache, kay?
Episode Nine; The Reunion
Wait a minute, I know where we'd headed now!
Oh yeah? Where are we going then?
I'll tell you when we get there.
Why the hush-hush? Are you hiding something, you thieving little...uhh...thief?
We're not talking about it now. Just shut up and row.
But the wind's in our sails...
I SAID ROW, YOU LILY-LIVERED LANDLUBBERS!
They embarked at a little port in the south, surrounded by forests. You know what lives in forests?
Despite being struck with a dangerous poison, Qwert~ managed to lead our brave Light Warriors and DD to civilisation.
Hey, I'm brave!
Pretty sure you wet yourself.
THOSE SPIDERS WERE BIGGER THAN ALL OF US MAN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Whatever, pussy :greenie:
Everybody? Welcome...
You're an elf?
Yes, yes I am. Hence my natural disposition towards the colour green. We love green. It rocks.
But what about your ears? You haven't got pointy ears or anything!
Oh I know, his ears got cut off in a freak juggling accident.
I just hide them under my bandanna, obviously.
omg YAY AN ELF! This is A-W-E-S-O-M-E♪
You're awfully excited about this.
Elves are sexy people. Very sexy people.
Uh well I'm just gonna collapse over here from the poison now.
Aw tit. Better go rest up at the inn. DD, you drag him.
Why me?
Because you're the meat head.
I thought I was the meat shield?
Same thing.
But when they woke up, Qwert~ was still down with the sickness. The solution?
There are a lot of poisonous monsters in the area, we should stock up on Antidotes.
What else can we buy?
It's time for another edition of Shopping Time!
This week we've purchased:
- A Saber for Qwert~!
- A Dagger for Jorge (the Barbarian)!
- An Iron Shield for DD (the meat shield)!
- Leather Caps for Jorge and Laddy!
- A Helm for DD (the meat head)!
Well that's a pretty decent haul, I say. And now I can cut out my enemies' kidneys.
Maybe the shield will stop the enemies tearing me to pieces.
Can we sell the shield?
Quiet, quiet, I wanna buy some more spell books!
We went to the magic shops on the west of town. This was the fancy side of town, and everything was smurfing overpriced. Level 4 spell books setting you back two and a half grand. Each!
That is more overpriced than those blasted Copper Armlets. We're not getting any.
But but!
We'll go downtown and find some cheaper stuff, alright?
...Fine.
You should just learn to be a physical beast like me, then you don't even need magic!
If you're so amazing, why am I the meat shield?
Because...your face is already ugly, scaring it up might actually make it better!
Guys stop fighting FOR JUST ONE MINUTE. So they went downtown, and bought some more spell books.
Laddy was feeling a bit left out after last time (if you remember, he was sulking -WAS NOT!- unimpressed with the selection and didn't buy any spell books) so he bought three new spells: Cura, Diara and the very useful Heal.
Undead bitches beware, I will make you Die!-ara
That was a horrible pun.
Yo mama's a horrible pun.
Jorge bought Thundara because he was lacking a bit of spark in his day.
That's worse than mine.
Yo mama's worse than mine.
That joke is about three decades past its used by date. If you would like my saber to not enter your neck tonight, then you had best shut it. Now.
(Is it just me, or is he becoming really terrifying?)
(It's not just you.)
We need to collect some information. Before you all flip your tit, or in Jorge's case, cream your robe, it's only a few people, alright?
Actually no screw you all, this is my first time home in a long time, I want to talk to some old friends.
Someone is missing? Where's my brother? Where's my big bro?
Dude I am so sorry.
He's gone to a better place now, it'll be alright Qwert~.
...I'm gonna go and smurf up some monsters.
Can anyone else see the steam like, exploding from his ears?
Pretty sure I got scalded by it.
We better go give him some help.
----
We're gonna take a short break here while Qwert~ recovers from his grief. Meanwhile, the party will be running up a huge bill at the inn.
Why don't we stay at Qwert~'s house?
That was sold to pay for Link's funeral costs.
Oh man :(
Come back next time when our party return to wacky hijinks and there's less doom and gloom (hopefully!).
Episode Ten; Clear as Mud
Once Qwert~'s rampage had ceased and he had simmered, we decided to make for the castle. Link had been close friends with the Elvish Prince, and Qwert~ wanted to hear from him what had happened.
We weren't met with good news though.
I want to see him.
It won't make you feel any better.
Exactly.
As we were leaving, DD finally proved himself to be useful in more ways than just a meat shield.
What's that supposed to mean?
You used to be tit.
And you used to be cool. Wait, no, never happened. :kakapo:
You smart ass mother fuc-
Yeah, so as I was saying.
~Flashback~ You know who I miss? That stripper chick. Yeah, she went alright. Well fit.
...Western...Keep. We need to go to the Western Keep.
What?
The stripper, she told us about the Western Keep. That's why we came here in the first place. As much as it pains me, we must put aside my own personal quest and deal with our responsibilities as Light Warriors.
You're the boss! Let's do it~
We arrived though, safe and sound, at the Western Keep; a shadow of its former glory.
We weren't alone.
But I didn't just mean the bats. There was also company awaiting us in the one preserved room in the castle.
Another castle, another quest. It seems like every time we go to one of these places, some sod wants us to do something for him!
Part of the Light Warrior gig, we just have to roll with it I suppose.
Astos... he's behind it all, I can feel it. He's a blight on this land and a threat to my people. He must be stopped.
So we're going to the Marsh Cave then?
Yes.
It sounds dirty, I'm not looking forward to this. Though it can't be worse than the colour scheme in here, yuck. And the gaudy statues, what was he thinking?
We didn't want Laddy to piss him off, whether he was the king of a fallen kingdom or not. We weren't going to waltz in under prepared though, so we returned to Elfheim, with many many more battles beneath our belts and a fat stack of cash in hand.
You know what this means? That's right folks! Shopping Time!
- 10x Antidote
- 2x Gold Needle
Only a small haul in terms of items! But that's because we took a dive and wandered over to uptown Elfheim and bought some more spell books.
I'm bringing the heat and making it fast, with Fira and Haste. Why did I have to say that? I mean seriously, a ten year old could come up with better material.
Hey shut it, or you can become a mute character, alright? I have that power.
I got Poisona and Vox to try and save money on status restoring items. I mean seriously, buying more Antidotes was overkill. I can cure poison for like three MP! Talk about efficiency, bitches. :aimsun:
Hey I've got an idea! How about you shut up and put your money where your mouth is; it's time to walk the talk.
We headed west, and then south, weaving through the mountain passes and forests, until the earth became soggy and the mosquitoes became abso-smurfing-lutely fierce.
Then we found it. Our destination, where two different paths met, at Astos, and the Marsh Cave.
----
Will Qwert~ find out what happened to his brother Link? Will the Elvish Prince wake up? Will the Warriors of Light defeat the evil Astos and return the Western Keep to glory?
I know, but I'm not tellin' :bigsmile:
