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Let's share some jokes! They can be your own, or they can be ripped off from somewhere. Let's try to keep them racially appropriate. I say, the cornier the better :)
A horse walks into a car. The cartender says "Why the long face?".
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Get out." The horse obliges.
These are all the jokes I know.
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and he is destroying his family.
What does a guy with a 20 inch wiener eat for breakfast? Well I'll tell you, I eat eggs, sausages, a little bit of cereal, and some juice on the side.
I hope you guys are ready for the best joke ever written. Do not read onward unless you are prepared to be blown away by its hilarity.
It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.
The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.
The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.
"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?"
So the man told his story.
"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.
"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.
"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.
"For my third wish -- and, this is the bit where I kinda smurfed up -- I asked for an orange for a head."
Why did Ken and Barbie never have kids?
(SPOILER)Because Ken always comes in a different box
A Polish, French, and Italian get caught by cannibals. The leader of the cannibal tribe informs them that before they will be devoured, they are to be skinned alive, and their skin will be used to a canoe. Immediately they all break loose, but realize there is no escape from the situation.
The Italian slits his on throat to avoid his fate while the French man breaks his own neck.
The Polish guy grabs a nearby fork, starts to stab himself in random places, and screams, "**** YOUR CANOE!!!"
Christ that was actually brilliant.Quote:
Originally Posted by Raistlin
The Awful Joke Thread.
It's dead now, but there's still some good ones to read.
A kid comes home from school really quite excited and beside himself. As he runs in the kitchen and throws his bag down, he father asks what all the commotion is about.
"It's great dad! I managed to land a big part in the school play!"
"Well, that's fantastic! Congratulations! What is your role?"
"I'm going to play the husband."
His father makes a concerned face for a moment and then says, "That's ridiculous. You march right back down to the school this instant and demand a speaking role!"
Every time one of these threads rolls around, I take notes and use these jokes in real life. You would be surprised at how well they're received. :smug:
Dear god, I just laughed.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cuchulainn
That's a good pic of Steve I dunno what you're laughing at :confused:
I... I can't stop looking at it.
Don't be staring into the eyes quinbo my son. Before you know it you'll be lubricating ur arsehole & begging for beef.Quote:
Originally Posted by Flambard D'Quinceteth
I feel like he hates me for some reason. I cannot imagine why.
I get the feeling that a lot of people have heard this one, but it's one of my favorites, so...
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
Fixed that for you. Friend of mine drives a BMW. Best friend (and overall person) I've ever known.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hambone
The bartender goes "I'm sorry, we don't serve people who travel faster than the speed of light here."
A man walks into a bar.
Haha, I've got one like that.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rantz
To get to the other side.
Why did the tachyon cross the road?
I'm pretty sure Rantz got that joke by way of my friend, iirc. I need to remember it more often so I can claim the credit!
I remember hearing a very similar joke about a neutrino, but I'm way too stupid to remember it :pQuote:
Originally Posted by Rantz
What I really want to know is why you had this picture saved in the first placeQuote:
Originally Posted by Cuchulainn
Oh, Pike. Pike Pike Pike. You always have pictures of Steve backed up, just in case.
It's one of his facebook profile pictures. To be honest I was spoilt for choice. I can't look at a single picture of him without 'Big Pimpin' by Jay'Z playing in my head. Why that? Well in a thread in Lounge about music that defines you, he said that was the track that defined him. When I look at the picture of him in shades & leathers & staring off to the side, Jay Z starts & it amuses me for a good 5 to 10 minutes.Quote:
Originally Posted by PikeWhat I really want to know is why you had this picture saved in the first placeQuote:
Originally Posted by Cuchulainn
Do'nt hate the player, hate the game pike....hate. the. game.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flambard D'Quinceteth
... okay, these are both good reasons. Cuch's reason, especially. I retract my statement!Quote:
Originally Posted by Cuchulainn