Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking...

It's a good thing I'm not an airline pilot, because I don't think I'd be able to resist frakking with the passengers. Imagine being on hour 2 of a 7 hour flight, 36,000 ft in the air and the intercom comes on:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. There is no cause for alarm."

Then it goes off.

Imagine what would be going through your mind.

Others (Mentally prefix each line with "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking")

"Oops." (no explanation)

"Is there a doctor/pilot/exorcist aboard? Please advise your stewardess."

"Please remain calm, the wings are...er...gone."

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking... just kidding, I killed the captain."

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Are there any attractive, young ladies on board who are up for some body shots?"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Citizen Bleys

It's a good thing I'm not an airline pilot, because I don't think I'd be able to resist frakking with the passengers. Imagine being on hour 2 of a 7 hour flight, 36,000 ft in the air and the intercom comes on:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. There is no cause for alarm."

Then it goes off.

Imagine what would be going through your mind.

Others (Mentally prefix each line with "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking")

"Oops." (no explanation)

"Is there a doctor/pilot/exorcist aboard? Please advise your stewardess."

"Please remain calm, the wings are...er...gone."

---

Did you just watch AIRPLANE!?

Naw im kidding.

I would probably freak out as well but also say in my mind oh god why me why now.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Miss Lady Shelly

Did you just watch AIRPLANE!?

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Roger, Roger. You have clearance, Clarence. What's your vector, Victor?

"Is there a sexy woman on board... I may just have to crash this plane otherwise"

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. There is no need to panic."

Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. Before we get underway, on behalf of myself and the crew, I want to remind you all that there is a non-zero chance we will all go into the darkness together, screaming and soiling ourselves in a flaming metal hellbox, speeding inexorably toward oblivion. The odds of all that happening would diminish slightly if the passenger in 14B would comply with our request to TURN OFF HIS GODDAMNED CELL PHONE

"This is your Captain speaking. There appears to be dangerous men with box cutters. I'm sure it won't be a problem."

"Ladies and Gentleman, this is your captain speaking. I apologize for the severe turbulence. It should clear up after a few more hours. The inflight movie tonight has been cancelled. I've arranged for a special treat. We'll start with a 3 hour long home video of my wife giving birth, an hour video of my 4 year old's violin recital, and top it off with the video from my colonoscopy. Tonight's meal will be clams and custard with a side of peas and brown gravy. Enjoy."

"Ladies and Gentleman, this is your captain speaking. We will begin our underwater expedition after we defeat the leviathan. While we are under water, do not tap on the windows or you will aggravate the fish. Children may be used as bait in emergency situations."

"This is your captain speaking. Some people have complained or warned us about the fact that we have a Muslim on board, but I assure you that he has been thoroughly screened and there is absolutely no evidence that he has any bomb or weapons, or is connected to terrorism in any way. The quiet white guy in the back holding the weird black box with a timer on it is way more likely to be a terrorist."

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Citizen Bleys

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

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Going to have to close the thread right here, this is not going to be topped.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. For our in-flight film during this voyage will be the latest installment of the Twilight saga. You can thank your flight attendant Mary Ann for 'accidentally' leaving Raiders of the Lost Ark in her hotel room last night. Feel free to adjust your seats however you'd like, to clog up the aisles and wait outside the bathroom if you have an emergency. Over and out."

Ladies and gentleman this is your captain speaking. There is a reason to panic but federal and international regulations prohibit me from speaking about them. I just wanted you to know.

I would laugh and ask how the wings managed to get away. Then I'd take some Xanax.

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Originally Posted by Shiny

I would laugh and ask how the wings managed to get away. Then I'd take some Xanax.

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Xanax: The way to really fly.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jiro

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Are there any attractive, young ladies on board who are up for some body shots?"

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Is that from Family Guy?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Those of you with a fear of dark, cold, wet places, life vests are available. Meanwhile, place heads between your knees and close your eyes and try not to disturb the other passengers as our descent into to the ocean's depths may very well be just a wild ride to the rest of us.

"Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking. I heard this rumor that the oxygen masks that drop in the case of cabin depressurization are actually full of a lethal neurotoxin. Too bad you can't check that trout out on snopes right now, ennit?"

Ladies and gentlemen, we've just realized the emergency oxygen masks having been instead accidentally supplied with helium. Check it out: My Bonnie lies over the ocean. My Bonnie lies over the sea. Heheheheheheh. You fools have got to try this sh--!

Now that my Inigo Montoya post has a full limit bar, what happens if someone else reps it? Armageddon?

No one mention anything about the Final Destination thingy here? Premonition that the plane will blow and crap? :bigsmile:

*Irishman attempting to do a Scottish accent and failing* "This is yer Chief Engineer speakin' I kinna push the engines any harder! If I dinnae have fresh dilithium crystals in 30 minutes the plane will blow up!"

Close enough?

BTW, the moon has turned to blood. Good going, Faris.

This is your captain speaking. I don't know who decided to put jiffy pop in the microwave, but now we're in space. Good Job.

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Originally Posted by Citizen Bleys

BTW, the moon has turned to blood. Good going, Faris.

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That wasn't what I was aiming for but it'll do. :mwahaha:

The woman who does Bart Simpson's voice came to our college once. She told us that a couple of times when she's flown the pilots have let her say stuff over the speaker, in character as Bart Simpson, when they find out who she is. Pretty great.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain spea-- [noises, thuds etc]"

followed in a few minutes by

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your co-pilot speaking... ... ... ... [sob] ... ... ... oh God..."

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Originally Posted by Pike

The woman who does Bart Simpson's voice came to our college once. She told us that a couple of times when she's flown the pilots have let her say stuff over the speaker, in character as Bart Simpson, when they find out who she is. Pretty great.

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"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I would like to extend an invitation to all of you to eat my shorts."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, as we taxi on to the runway to take off I, Akhmed your pilot today would like you to look out the windows to the right where you will see the real captain and co-pilot running trying to get on board. Please enjoy your flight on jihad airways"

^ That reminds me of the Funny or Die skit "Terrorist on Flight 77"

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking and asking you if you would like to buy a special in-flight scratchcard for two euros, with a chance to win up to two thousand euros!

Oh, wait, that's what they actually say.

"Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, are you ready to PAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!?!? Woo! Oh man, this stuff is GREAT!"

"Ladies and Gentlemen, This is your captain speaking, would all women interested in joining our exclusive mile high rewards club please come to the cockpit."


"Giggety."

All riight.

I'd just start singing the Mel Gibson Love Song.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking..."

Then nothing for the whole trip.

The last captain I flew with was called 'Christian Heritage', and hearing him say that beautiful name put me at ease for the whole trip. So 'hello, this is CHRISTIAN HERITAGE, your captain today' is good enough for me.

Ladies and gentlemen, this iiiiis your captain speaking. Probably shouldn't have smoked that entire blunt by myself. But seriously, does anyone have Fritos?