"I want to go to there!"
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"I want to go to there!"
Listen up, Fives. A Ten is speaking.
It's hard for me to watch American Idol because there's a waterbug on my channel changer.
We all have ways of coping. I use sex and awesomeness.
Somewhere right now a guy is on a J-Date with Monica Lewinsky. Nobody’s perfect.
Tracy: In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo!
Liz: Kwanzaa!
Tracy: And shalam-zazam to you too, my sister!
What everyone needs to do is calm down, take a deep breath, and prepare their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law.
If all you wanted was a hug from black people, then maybe you should be hosting The Price is Right.
There ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party because a Liz Lemon party is mandatory.
San Francisco? I asked you to find an actor from Middle America, a real person. You are not going to find him in The Peoples' Gay Republic of Drugifornia.
You're being a real C word right now! That's right, a Cranky Sue!
When is modern science going to find a cure for a woman's mouth?
It ain't a Lemon party without old Dick!
This is your fault, nerd. Jack is going to kill me, then he’s going to kill you, and then he’s going to fold us into a pizza and eat it.
There have been several deliveries to this address of Mr. Jordan's signature order: "Large cheese pizza with slice taken out so that I can pretend I'm eating Pac-Man like my hero, Blinky the Ghost."
"How much time and energy have we wasted with our sparring and our gravel-voiced double entendre?"
"An assload."
"I trained [Tracy Senior] to hate white people because, not to profile, but most ghosts are white. "
Me, my ass double, and a drill that once appeared on Home Improvement are currently starring in a feature film called Take My Hand.
"All of my summer replacement shows were big hits - America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than A Dog, MILF Island."
"MILF Island?"
"25 super hot moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules."
"Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?"
"That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF."
The night is young, and neither are you.
Smooth move Ferguson
"He's on LinkedIn, Lemon - he might as well be dead!"
You wanna party? It's $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling; end of list.
Did you really think I wouldn't recognize my college futon, with its trademark absence of sex stains?
If it's positive, awesome! We're having a baby! I wanna name it Frisbee. If it's negative, awesome. We're not gonna fight about the name Frisbee, and we get disco fries for breakfast because we're sad.
I don't know what disco fries are but I want to learn.
Tracy: So how bad is diabetes, really?
Dr. Spaceman: Quite seriously. If left untreated you could lose a foot.
Tracy: Could I replace it with a wheel, like Rosie from the Jetsons?
Dr. Spaceman: I suppose. But then you'd have to register as a motor vehicle.
Kenneth: Oh no, sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.
Jack: That's Republican, we count those.
--
Jack: What are your politics?
Dennis: Social conservative, fiscal liberal.
I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor says that if I keep doing it, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.
Ladies! What? This? No, no. I was at a costume party earlier...the hostess' dog attacked me...so I had to stab it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kyle
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Liz: Do you have a neck pillow I could borrow? I blew mine up and now it smells like my mouth.
Jack: I don't sleep on planes. I don't want to get incepted.
I once saw a pack of wild dogs take over and successfully run a Wendy's.
Vaginal mesh: Nice try, prolapse.
I don't want to go back to England. I can't suffer through the London Olympics. We're not prepared, Liz! Did you see the Beijing Opening Ceremonies? We don't have control over our people like that!
I like your top. I’m a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.
Are you a pre-op transcentaur?
See, this is exactly the kind of thing that happens when there's no order, no planning. Hitler and Martha Stewart would've hated that wedding.
Albino ninja!
Who hasn't made mistakes? I once French kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12-year-old.
Okay, in my defense, every April 22nd I honor Richard Nixon's death by getting drunk and making some unpopular decisions.
Passing out, swearing on St. Patrick's Day? Is nothing sacred?
Relationships are like sharks, Liz: if you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something's wrong.
How DARE you hang up on me. I'm a corrupt cop, my brother's a corrupt fireman. He's going to SET YOU ON FIRE and I'm NOT GOING TO INVESTIGATE IT.
(referring to the time Jenna and Dennis slept together)
Liz: Nothing you can do will ruin this friendship!
Dennis: We did it in your bed.
Liz: Guys, come on! I eat in there!
There's a reason God gave us two ears and only one mouth: listening is twice as important as talking. But he gave us ten fingers ... he must really want us to poke things!
Trying on jeans is my favorite thing. Maybe later I can get a pap smear from an old male doctor.
Last night was a disaster—and not the good kind, where I get to sing at a benefit.
This is a part of our problem. I give you a simple managerial suggestion in a professional context and I get back the second half of a Judy Blume novel.
Jenna: He bit Dakota Fanning on the face!
Liz: When you hear his version, she was kind of asking for it.
Your boos are not scaring me! I know most of you are not ghosts!
So how did you two meet? Amber Alert?
Workin' on my Night Cheese!
Lemon, lesbian Frankenstein wants her shoes back.
A drinking contest? What am I, twelve and at my boyfriend's frat party?
I've been a GE man for 25 years, and a GE woman for one week of corporate espionage at Revlon.
Hi! My name's Liz Lemon! I like to wear man shorts, watch me skateboard!
Superman does good, you doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.
This is why I hated my first two weeks at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks: No one knew who was the sluttiest. But I showed them. Oh, I showed them all.
I was working late on my Haftorah
when I heard a knock on my bedroom-doorah
I opened it up and to my surprise
there was a werewolf standing there with glowing gold eyes
he says tomorrow my son you will be a man
but tonight's the time to join the wolfen clan
tomorrow you will stand at the bimah and pray
but tonight let's gaze at the moon and bay
Werewolf bar mitzvah
Spooky scary
Boys becoming men
Men becoming wolves
The next day what happened, the Talmud didn't teach
I got up in front of everyone to give my little speech
then my teeth turned into fangs and my nails into claws
and I nearly dropped the Torah when my hands turned into paws
I growled and I roared and my rabbi did as well
it was a rocking werewolf zoo at Temple Beth-Emmanuel
Werewolf bar mitzvah
Spooky scary
Boys becoming men
Men becoming wolves
We had a reception at the Larchmont Country Club
they served a real nice brisket and an eight foot party sub
I danced with my cousins, I got money from my folks
we had a lot of fun making circumcision jokes
then I remembered the premise of my song
I was at a nice reception but the werewolf part was gone
so we pulled ourselves together and we're wolfmen again
just in time for monster fight to begin
all the country club employees were brainsucking pack
who had all turned into zombies and were on the attack
so we fought them and some draculas and frankensteins too
cause you gotta love bar mitzvah, even if you're not a-Arooo
"Dr. Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will it tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM PIN code?"
"Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be."
Look, Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I've learned anything from my Sims family...when a child doesn't see his father enough, he starts to jump up and down, and then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.
If I won an Oscar, everyone would have to respect me. My obituary will read "Oscar-winner" instead of "children's soccer heckler"!
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"Like a waitress!"
You know, it's funny. If those teeth were in your vagina, you'd be considered a monster.
We Parcells have eaten our share of rock soup and squirrel tail, but we've also known lean times.
You know how pissed off I was when Us Weekly said that I was on crack? That's racist! I'm not on crack. I'm straight-up mentally ill!
I've never been so disrespected in my life, and I've gone to and worked at the post office
Boy, it’s crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Different time, the ’60s.
Not a quote as such, but I've always been a fan of Tracey's 'Impeach George W. Ashington' from the Boston episode.