Let's Read 50 Shades of Grey (and be a b*tch about it) (explicit content)

A note to those from outside EoFF, or who are potentially connected to a publishing company:

This forum is where I first posted this idea, to see if there was any interest. Once I started looking for external support for this project, I became unsure if I should keep this thread on the internet. I thought making my work appear previously unpublished might be more appealing.

However, this thread has garnered the interest of a number of people within this small community and of others who have found it through my Twitter and Tumblr pages. I think that providing evidence that there is interest for my project idea and that it has already prompted intelligent discussion around the themes and concepts explored in 50 Shades of Grey is more important than making it seem as though my work has never been published. I hope you agree.

Thank you for your consideration and I hope you enjoy my work.


50 Shades of 50 Shades: An Analysis

Warning: Don't read if you like 50 Shades of Grey because I'm not going to be nice to it. Don't read if you're squeamish about the blatant criticism of poorly written BDSM sex scenes. Don't read if you would like to maintain the illusion that I'm a nice human being.

Introduction.

Let’s start at the very beginning

The cover of the paperback is made of a strange, smooth material that acts like a magnet for dust. I’m sure that material was designed to feel sensual, but now that it is layered with a permanent coating of dead skin cells I feel the effect has been lost.

After wiping away the dust as effectively as possible, the iconic image of a necktie is revealed. My first reaction is simply exasperation; I haven’t even opened the cover yet and already this book is depicting the man who wears this piece of fabric around his neck, whom one can only assume is Mr. Grey himself, is cold like the steel whose texture was stolen to pattern his tie.

The first page, E L James’ biography, already has a pencil note from the first time I read this book. It expresses concern for her two children. Imagining having a mother responsible for poorly-written and stupidly-famous smut makes me feel uncomfortable; however, my genuine pity is diminished slightly when I realise they are probably benefiting from the ridiculous amount of money E L James is earning from this enterprise.

The dedication and acknowledgement are laden with innuendo. ‘The master of my universe’ just begs to be interpreted in a sexual way, and such phrases as ‘thanks for sorting me out’ and ‘thanks for taking a punt’ sound suggestive in their own right. This is potentially deliberate, given the theme of the book, but I’d prefer to think it was a happy coincidence. Or perhaps everything is exactly as it seems and E L James was indeed ‘sorted out’ by Sue Malone, whoever she is.

Another title card, in case I’ve forgotten what the title of this book is already, and away we go.

Chapter One

Ana scowls in frustration at herself in the mirror. I suppose it is plausible she could be scowling at somebody else in the mirror, but specifying that she is looking at her reflection seems unnecessary. In any case, it’s made evident in the next sentence that she isn’t scowling at herself anyway, but rather her hair.

She wastes no time before jumping into being a weak character. Her alliterated friend, Katherine Kavanagh, has forced her into doing a job when she should be studying for finals. Already it’s been established that she doesn’t have the agency to say ‘Sorry, I can’t do your interview for you; I have to study’ and I find myself praying that part of her characterisation involves her becoming less submissive; however, the only way that could happen is if somebody inserted a new ending into my book since the last time I opened it and I sadly doubt that has happened.

Ana attempts to ‘brush [her] hair into submission’, whatever that means, but apparently even her hair is more dominant than she is.

I’m not sure how Katherine, now Kate, has ‘bright’ eyes when they are also ‘red rimmed and runny’. This character is being described as simultaneously very attractive and very ill, and while I know good-looking people catch the flu just like any of us more average humans, trying to picture a snotty, bed-ridden, twenty-something as also being the height of beauty is a difficult task.

I recognise that dialogue isn’t always going to contain full sentences because formal language does not sound realistic, but they should still be punctuated correctly. ‘“Make notes, I’ll transcribe it all”’ is a comma splice whether it has little sixty-sixes and ninety-nines around it or not.

Kate asked for NyQuil in some of that filler dialogue but Ana failed to give it to her before ‘gathering her backpack’ and leaving the house. On that note, how do you gather a backpack? Is it made of a number of loose objects? Or perhaps has a lot of excess material that needs to be bunched up?

Grey House is ‘all curved glass and steel’. I personally felt this didn’t describe the materials used in the construction of the building well enough, so I was incredibly pleased when Ana continues to ensure I know that the building’s name was written ‘discreetly in steel’, there were ‘glass front doors’, and that the lobby was built with – you guessed it – glass and steel. Your bonus prize for enduring that repetition is discovering that in the construction of the lobby those architects also used white sandstone.

Now sandstone is the building material of the moment. Steel is mentioned again, but only when it is revealed as being Ana’s last name – Steele. This shows that, sadly, I will never be free from that word as I traverse these 514 pages. Ana’s name would be neat if she had the strength to make it symbolic, but so far she has seemed much too weak to be made of steel. It could be argued that the name’s purpose is one of juxtaposition, highlighting how flimsy and fragile she is. All of this considered however, I find it difficult to think beyond how appropriate these names would be for a law firm: Steele and Grey Lawyers, since 1902.

Ana is handed a ‘firmly stamped’ visitor badge. I highly doubt a fancy company like this, with all its steel and glass and sandstone, would genuinely be stamping their badges, so I wonder what could be so ‘firm’ about the typeface they’ve chosen to use.

The elevator reaches ‘terminal velocity’ and I quickly realise Ana has no understanding of what terminal velocity is or how it works.

Her preoccupation with building materials continues onto the twentieth floor. With the addition of a dark wood table, I wonder if these many textures are clashing with one another yet.

Ana reiterates her inability to function as a human being when she sits down to wait. She lives in a time when the internet is prevalent, yet she didn’t have the agency to do a quick web search for the man she is about to meet. Not only is that an appalling level of incompetence, it’s also incredibly disrespectful. But apparently the fact Ana knows nothing about this man is entirely her sick friend’s fault. Clearly.

As ‘Blonde Number Two’ moves around, her heels click on the sandstone floor. Of course they do. Where else would she be walking?

Ana needing to ‘steel’ herself is perhaps the worst pun I have ever read. That double meaning was surely supposed to sound unbelievably clever, but mostly I just feel a little nauseous. Even pencil-wielding me-from-the-past scoffs at this word choice.

The conversations Ana has with herself at this point leads me to question the formatting choices I’ve noticed so far. Why are Ana’s thoughts generally italicised, but – with ‘double crap’ and ‘holy cow’ – are not on this page? The voice that is speaking is simply her own at this point in the book, not that of a persona Ana has created for herself, and so the differentiation seems strange and frankly unnecessary.

Mr Grey calls her Miss Kavanagh upon meeting her but ‘Blonde Number Two’ knew her name was Steele. Did that not-so-flawless-after-all blonde forget to tell her boss a vital detail about his meeting? I worry for her job security.

In keeping with Ana’s apparent obsession with the colour of everyone’s attire – from the charcoal suit jacket of the receptionist (who should technically be Blonde Number One, making the following numbers Ana connects to her blondes incorrect) to the black and white attire of Olivia – it is highlighted that Mr Grey is of course wearing a ‘gray’ suit.

This use of the American spelling of ‘gray’ when the title, and his name, use the British spelling, immediate erases what was an effective double entendre. It has now been confirmed to anyone with the observation skills of a monkey that this book is not about the fifty shades of any colour; it’s about the fifty personalities of a particular ‘Grey’. This seems like an incredible waste of what could have actually been quite clever. This is pleasing for me because I would hate to have to admit anything in this book is clever.

Ana is apparently a monkey’s uncle. She also put her pedal to the metal earlier. Eight pages in and we’re already relying on clichés. Original ideas are for sissies.

The couch is made of leather. The relevance of this information is unfathomable.

The reason you find yourself blushing isn’t inexplicable, Ana; you are clearly attracted to this man and he is saying things to you with his ‘soft’ (and I can only assume that implies seductive) voice. The reason is not inexplicable so much as it is irrational.

Cliché count is up to three with the appearance of Ana being ‘all fingers and thumbs’. That’s a strange turn of phrase in any case; what would you like your hands to be made up of instead?

I want to criticise Ana for her inability to set up a simple voice recorder, but there is no need. Mr Grey has me covered with his snarky dialogue. Was that a compliment for this book? Careful now; I don’t want to get in the habit of being nice.

Ana asked Mr Grey if he knew what the interview was for, not because she wanted to make sure he was comfortable but because she was genuinely curious. Sitting up to ‘try and look professional’ won’t save you now, Ana; you already haven’t done your research, fell over when walking into his office, proved you can’t turn on a voice recorder, didn’t know what this interview was for and now we are discovering you didn’t even read the interview questions you were given before asking them.

Turns out the harder Mr Grey works, the more luck he seems to have. Cliché count: 4.

Given her ever increasing heart rate and the fact that Ana has now stopped breathing, I’m surprised she’s still alive at this point.

Ana takes an opportunity to make another jab at Kate for forcing her to do this interview. Every time we return to this topic I am reminded of my growing desire to slap Ana for her complete lack of agency.

I want to make a comment every time Ana blushes, squirms or uses a strange mixture of italics and roman font styles to express her inner thoughts, but if I were to do this I wouldn’t have time to talk about anything else. So just know I’m thinking bitter thoughts every time I encounter these repeated frustrations, which is frequently.

I’m concerned about Ana tucking her ‘loosened hair’ behind her ear. Perhaps she has loose hair that has escaped her loosened ponytail, but this phrase does not correctly convey that concept.

As Blonde Number Two (who should actually be Blonde Number Three and whose name we’ve just discovered is Andrea) enters the room, the blushing problem appears to become contagious.

Mr Grey refers to Ana as ‘Miss Steele’ once again and this fact seems to surprise her. I’m not altogether sure why – he’s only called her Anastasia once before and, unlike some people I could mention, he is trying to maintain an air of professionalism.

Once again Ana is uncomfortable and once again Mr Grey’s gaze is ‘penetrating’. Yes, I noticed the innuendo the first time. No, you did not have to reiterate it just in case.

Given the speed with which Mr Grey apparently switches between having the hint of a smile and a humourless expression, I’m starting to think he may be suffering from some sort of mood disorder.

Mr Grey farewells Ana with ‘“Until we meet again, Miss Steele”’ and the concept of this occurring seems to confound her. We established on a few pages ago that Mr Grey is going to be at your graduation ceremony, Ana. You might not have had the professionalism to research this fact before he told you, but he definitely told you. I was there.

As they finish their interview, Mr Grey escorts Ana to the elevator and stands with her for an awkward minute while she waits. And then, mercifully, the chapter ends.

More soon!

Chapter Two

Ana’s heart is pounding frantically. Of course it is. I’m not sure if it has stopped pounding frantically yet. She is going to have a heart attack before this book is through, I’m sure.

Friendly reminder that the floor is made of sandstone as Ana tries not to embarrass herself further by falling over again. Also, in case you were worried, the doors are still made of glass.

Finally Ana appears to have a shred of intellect as she calls her reaction to Christian Grey (who we will now be calling Christian because I am already sick of this frustrating ‘Grey’ business) irrational.

I’m not going to comment on every pedantic issue I have with these poorly constructed sentences, but please don’t include two clauses in the same sentence that begin with ‘as I…’ because it doesn’t read correctly. This has been a friendly public service announcement.

A shiver runs down Ana’s spine. Cliché count: 5.

Again, Ana is irritated at Kate for not providing a biography of Christian before the interview. Again, I am irritated by Ana’s complete lack of agency and her apparent inability to search the web for somebody’s name.

Ana reassures herself that she never has to see Christian again and pencil-wielding me-from-the-past is as angry about this plot hole as I am. You were told he’d be at the graduation ceremony, Ana. You will definitely have to see him again. You know, provided you pass those finals that you so desperately need to study for, but not desperately enough to tell Kate to go stuff her interview.

When Ana arrives home, Kate is wearing the ‘adorable’ pink flannel pyjamas she saves for when she just broke up with a boyfriend, is ill or generally depressed. It would be easy to assume Kate must be feeling awful since she has chosen to wear her depression-pyjamas, but the following sentence has her bounding up to Ana to hug her hard. Perhaps she’ll take that hug back when she discovers how thoroughly Ana managed to botch Kate’s important interview for the student newspaper.

Ana grumpily harasses Kate for not providing her with a biography and Kate just takes it. I thought you were the tenacious one, Kate, but I’m quickly learning that you and Ana have both chosen to act as though you’re useless. What a great example for women everywhere.

I’m glad that you look at your watch and realise that you can still make your shift at work, Ana. If you couldn’t, were you planning on telling them? Your lack of professionalism never ceases to amaze me. It’s nice to know that Kate is even less professional though, as she encourages Ana to skip her shift because ‘she’ll be exhausted’. Being tired is not a good enough reason to not show up for work.

Ana works at a hardware store but is terrible at DIY. I would forgive her for this quirk if not for the fact that she goes on to say she leaves ‘all that to [her] dad’. Those gender stereotypes are my absolute favourite.

A quick conversation with her boss reveals Ana did tell them she wouldn’t be able to make it into work today but she showed up anyway. You’re lucky they needed you regardless, Ana, because what were you planning to do otherwise?

Once again Ana reiterates that she will never have to see Christian again, but this time she says it out loud to Kate. The entire reason Kate is doing an article for the student paper about Christian is because he is going to be at the graduation, but she still doesn’t correct Ana. This plot hole just continues to grow wider.

Ana’s bed is made of white iron, which is a detail I could have lived without knowing.

When Ana calls her mum, her mum asks if she’s ‘met someone’. ‘Wow… how does she do that?’ Ana asks herself in unnecessary italics. How does she do what, Ana? You interviewed a man who you were intimidated by and basically terrified of, and who you are so desperate to never have to see again that you have convinced yourself will not be at your graduation ceremony. You haven’t met someone in the way your mum is implying – you simply introduced yourself to and shook hands with another human being. That doesn’t count.

As José the photographer is introduced to us and we are given an unnecessarily detailed description of his attractive appearance, I find myself wondering why every character in this book so far has been stereotypically good-looking.

In the next paragraph, the word besieged in used twice in as many sentences and this vexes me. I understand synonyms can be useful and that besieged is a fancy word for describing how many customers are in a hardware store, but using it repeatedly does not make you sound smarter.

Last time she was at work, Ana was ‘absorbed in the task’ of restocking shelves and now she is ‘engrossed in the task’ of checking orders. She seems to really love both her job and her parallel structure.

For some reason Ana glances up at the counter – perhaps because her job is in customer service and her subconscious is trying to be professional where her conscious fails – and has ‘heart failure’ when she sees Christian standing there. And now, with Ana dead, the book abruptly ends.

No, apparently that is not the case. Is it really only page 24?

Christian’s voice is described as ‘warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something’ and I am curious whether this is supposed to be a signifier of Ana’s apparent inability to string together thoughts in a man’s presence or E L James’ inability to construct an original simile.

I know I said I would stop mentioning the pounding heart and the blushing, but my frustration at this repetition is just too fierce to let it slide.

I’m curious what it looks like to an outside observer when Ana starts shaking her head to regain her wits and having long conversations with herself in an attempt to re-establish cognitive function. People must think she’s a little slow.

Christian, having slipped into a first name basis with Ana accidentally on two occasions already and then being expressly told by Ana that he doesn’t have to call her Miss Steele anymore, continues with the formality regardless. I can only hope that there is a reason for the name he uses that is dependent upon circumstances and context, and that an interesting pattern of his choices will be revealed as the story progresses, but I feel that this optimism might be misplaced.

Because she is in the presence of a man, Ana’s heart is almost strangling her. This would be a half-decent metaphor if it wasn’t followed by a description of exactly what it means: ‘because it’s in my throat trying to escape from my mouth’. Way to ruin what was almost semi-good writing.

As Ana leads Christian to the third item on his shopping list, I wonder if she gives this special service to every customer who walks through the door or just to the ones who give her cardiac arrest.

Now Christian is calling her Anastasia again, but still not ‘Ana’ like she requested.

Christian agrees to do a photo shoot for the article in the student paper. ‘If we can find a photographer,’ Ana responds as she apparently forgets that her friend José, who was only recently introduced as the resident photographer and rival love interest, owns a camera and can apparently use it well enough to be exhibited in a gallery.

With a change of expression, Christian manages to be solely responsible for the Earth shifting on its axis and the tectonic plates sliding into a new position. Through this description, Ana continues to demonstrate her lack of understanding of how science works.

Christian is watching Ana and this new character – Paul, who is apparently another rival party who wants nothing more than Ana’s affection – like a hawk. Cliché count: 6.

The chapter draws to a close with Ana once again uncertain if she will be able to find a photographer for the photo shoot she is now supposed to be organising. I feel sorry for José, since Ana obviously considers him to be quite forgettable.

I appreciate your snarky commentary. I have never read the book, but the venom with which you assail it is entertaining.

I am enduring the pain of reading it again so that folks like you will never have to. :p

I actually want to read these now, if I just didn't have thousands of other things higher on my priority list. It seems like your project is having the opposite effect!

In a sense, I am getting a feeling of something like "it can't possibly be this bad, can it? She must be exaggerating. I have to find out for myself".

In the end, though, there is no real danger of me reading it, as I barely even read books that are unanimously regarded as good books.

I really, truly wish I was exaggerating.

Chapter Three

Ana calls an ecstatic Kate and apparently even she’s not sure who they could possibly hire to take photos of Christian. When Ana finally remembers that José exists, Kate is irrationally impressed by the idea. Surely it didn’t take a genius to remember that Ana’s friend of four years is a photographer, but apparently it deserves praise and an exclamation mark. Maybe with this positive reinforcement, Ana will learn to use her brain more often.

In her maturity, Ana sticks her tongue out at her phone after Kate hangs up on her, further demonstrating to those around her that she is borderline insane.

Ana’s unprofessional nature is highlighted once again when it is revealed that she made this phone call to Kate in the stockroom of the hardware store while she was still supposed to be working.

Paul shakes his head ‘as if to clear it’. He should probably spend less time around Ana because apparently he is picking up her weird habits.

Ana’s subconscious has become personified now, raising a figurative eyebrow as she asks Ana if Christian is a literary hero. I am curious how a personified subconscious could raise an eyebrow any other way. Ana ‘slap[s] her down’ but it wasn’t specified that this was figurative. Can I assume she literally slapped herself?

Just because Kate can throw around unnecessary threats and end them with ‘capiche’ does not mean she is ‘awesomely tough’, although Ana seems to think so. I suppose anyone looks tough next to Ana.

Ana calls Christian and asks if ‘tomorrow’ is okay for the photo shoot. If you ever paid any attention to the world around you, Ana, you would have noticed that this is the day Christian suggested when the topic was first brought up.

Kate seems to be surprised that Ana is blushing, but Ana assures Kate that she blushes all the time. I’m glad somebody said it so I didn’t have to.

The marketing executive is putty in Kate’s hands. Cliché count: 7.

Ana rolls her eyes at how ‘domineering’ Kate can be, responding to her orders with an unnecessarily italicised ‘Yes, mistress’. The lack of subtlety in that foreshadowing makes me laugh aloud.

Kate is described as tenacious again and I wonder if E L James had lost her thesaurus at this point.

José looks at Christian with cool eyes, and with that Christian has officially met both of his rivals for Ana’s affection. For somebody who hasn’t had a boyfriend, Ana sure does get a lot of attention from the men in her life.

Christian sits and poses for photographs for about twenty minutes. How many photos does one article in a student newspaper need? Apparently more, because Kate then decides she has enough photos of Christian sitting and would like some more where he is standing.

There’s a strange combination of italicised and roman styles as Ana argues with herself about whether or not being asked to join Christian for coffee counts as a date.

I hope Ana stops documenting the ‘current’ she feels every time Christian touches her, or else I’m going to have to add that to the growing list of frustratingly repetitive phrases in this book.

The pair leaves the lobby and for once I am left feeling curious about what materials were used in its construction.

Don’t worry. I’m lying. I don’t care at all.

Christian gives Ana the task of finding a table while he gets the drinks. Although usually she can’t help but give significantly more information about her actions than is necessary, Ana leaves out the part of the narration where she does as she was asked. When Christian returns there is magically a table for him to place the drinks on. But at least we know the table is small, round and birch-veneer. That’s vital to the plot.

Ana is seduced by the fact that Christian accidentally ordered her favourite tea.

Christian quizzes Ana about both of his rivals – José and Paul – and she confirms that she has feelings for neither. Say goodbye to what little tension there was around that character dynamic.

E L James appears to have relocated her thesaurus, with Ana’s frequent blushes and flushes having been described as ‘beet red’, ‘pink’, ‘crimson’ and ‘scarlet’ over the last few pages.

Christian makes the observation that Ana blushes frequently. I wonder if there has been a time when Ana hasn’t been blushing in Christian’s presence yet. I honestly think it would be easier for Ana to simply tell us when she isn’t blushing, because I feel like that would come up less often.

The topic of conversation dies and Christian rekindles it with a new question. ‘Whoa,’ Ana says, as though this change is too sudden for her simple mind to comprehend. She appears to have missed the memo early in life that explained how conversation works.

Ana tells Christian about her mum, and more specifically her mum’s four husbands. She goes into detail about the most recent husband, but when Christian asks if she gets along with her stepfather Ana immediately starts talking about her mum’s second husband – the one who helped raise her. Husbands two, three and four are all your stepfathers, Ana, so why would you talk about this one specifically? Christian has no idea about your family dynamic, so why would he be asking about any husband other than the one you were already talking about?

Christian discusses his siblings – specifically one who is studying with a chef in Paris. ‘“I hear Paris is lovely,”’ Ana says. Immediately Christian wants to know if Ana has been. If she had been to Paris, she would probably have her own opinions about the place rather than simply stating what she has ‘heard’, don’t you think, Christian?

Christian then asks if Ana would like to go to Paris. ‘Who wouldn’t want to go to Paris?’ she ponders. She needs to get out more, as I know a lot of people who wouldn’t want to go to Paris.

Ana trips again; this time into traffic.

The chapter ends as Ana realises for the first time in her life that kissing is a thing people do for fun.

Oh my gosh, I've read better smutty fanfiction.


Keep it up the review ! It's amazing, and your writing skills are excellent ! ( unlike the book )

i want to read this book now because I think it sounds fun to read how bad it is

50 Shades started out as Twilight fanfic that someone decided to turn into a three-part novel series that somehow made a butt ton of money. Of all the fanfics they could've picked, I'll never understand why they chose this one.

But thanks for the compliment. :D

oh jesus this book sounds even worse than i imagined it being

on the other hand this sporking is hilarious. keep it up

With all this encouragement and stroking of my ego, I might actually finish this project rather than send it to the writing graveyard once I'm halfway through it.

yess

omg alayna, you are a treasure.

Chapter Four

Lacking the agency to kiss the man herself, Ana simply screams internally that she would like Christian’s lips on hers and hopes that will work.

More head shaking. More strangely italicised thoughts.

Christian clearly wants to say something as he starts speaking, hesitates and doesn’t know how to continue. He eventually says ‘“Good luck with your exams”’ and Ana is frustrated that he looked so ‘desolate’ when this was all he wanted to say. Ana apparently has no idea how to read between the lines.

Ana’s ‘dashed hopes’ and ‘dashed dreams’ as Christian ‘rejects’ her cause her to cry irrationally and uncontrollably in a parking garage. Once again I am captivated by the wide variety of adjectives used in this book.

Ana explains that the only time she has ever been rejected – before now – was when choosing teams for sports. This doesn’t surprise me at all – she’s already established herself as a gangly bookworm who can’t walk two steps without falling over, so of course she’s bad at team sports.

Gradually Ana’s subconscious is growing a body as she metaphorically screams at Ana, folds her arms, leans on one leg and taps her foot in frustration. Again, I’m not sure how a subconscious could literally do these things, so stating that this was metaphoric is completely unnecessary.

Ana arrives home looking upset. Kate asks her what is wrong. Kate asking a single question because she is concerned about her friend is apparently called the beginning of the ‘Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition’. Of course it couldn’t just be that Kate cares about you, Ana.

Kate offers to show Ana the finished article. Apparently José took some great photos and this is still surprising. Ana is too obsessed with Christian’s face to actually read the article her friend put so much hard work into writing. She convinces herself that the reason Christian told her he didn’t want to see her again was because he considers himself too attractive. That’s the most ridiculous reason for somebody to refuse a second date that I have ever heard in my life.

In reaching this realisation, Ana describes herself and Christian as being ‘poles apart’ and ‘from two very different worlds’. She considers herself as ‘Icarus flying too close to the sun’ and ‘crashing and burning’. Cliché count: 11.

Lying in bed, Ana recalls begging Christian with ‘every fiber [sic] of [her] being’ to kiss her. Cliché count: 12.

I find Ana’s musings that Christian might be ‘celibate’ or ‘saving himself’ laugh out loud funny given we all know how far from the truth that is. I’m looking forward to the moment poor, ignorant Ana realises how wrong she is.

So far, the styling used to signify a time slip between scenes has been a line break and four bold, capped words; however, here we see a simple 1.5cm line divider between paragraphs. I am curious how time slips will be depicted throughout the remainder of the book and if any sort of pattern will form as to when one stylistic choice is chosen over another.

‘I might even get drunk!’ Ana exclaims after finishing her last exam. Of course sweet, innocent, bookworm-who-can’t-play-sports Ana has never been drunk before.

To celebrate, ‘Inside [Ana is] doing graceful cartwheels around [her] head.’ Firstly, Ana is doing these cartwheels, not Ana’s subconscious, which establishes that they are two different personalities, thus confirming my previously-documented suspicion that Ana is insane. Secondly, this action is not described as ‘figurative’ or ‘metaphoric’, so either there is some literal cartwheeling going on or E L James has finally realised that it is not necessary to use these terms to signpost every instance of personification. Lastly, the phrase should simply be ‘inside her head’; the use of the word ‘around’ makes me think that her head has been detached from her body and now she is cartwheeling around it, like one might circle a fire in an attempt to summon a demon.

In as many paragraphs, three different font faces are used – the default, a script font to indicate a handwritten note and a stereotypical ‘old typeface’ in one of the first edition novels Ana has just received. It appears E L James just discovered the drop down list of fonts in her word processing software.

Ana, the girl who has never been drunk before, has champagne, five margaritas and decides that it’s time for a beer. Ana, the girl who has never been drunk before, is going to pass out before this night is through.

Ana is now in the bathroom and decides drunk-dialling Christian is an excellent idea. Yes, what could possibly go wrong?

Christian figures out that Ana is drunk and demands she tell him which bar she is in. Ana dismisses this as him being ‘his usual control freak’. She hasn’t known him nearly long enough to have established his ‘usual’ and if this is in fact his usual, that would be setting off all sorts of alarms for a rational human being.

Ana is pleased with herself because her head is swimming uncomfortably. ‘Well the exercise was to get drunk’ she thinks as she demonstrates how binge drinking works. What a great role model. ‘Probably not an experience to be repeated’ she adds in pointless italics. Of course she has already decided to never get drunk again, even before the hangover hits, because she is sweet, innocent, bookworm-who-can’t-play-sports Ana.

As Ana pulls her jeans back up, I’m so thankful that Ana going to the bathroom was included in this book. I feel as though the plot really benefited from that.

Ana tells Kate that she needs to step outside for some fresh air. Kate thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to let Ana, who is completely trashed at this point, go outside alone. Yes, I see nothing wrong with this plan either. Ana is full of excellent ideas tonight.

José, who until this point has seemed like a lovely friend with a few misplaced feelings towards Ana (who is apparently undesirable and yet every male character she is not related to in this book so far has desired her), tries to take advantage of Ana in their mutually drunken state. Christian arrives in perfect time to be the literary hero of Ana’s dreams.

After throwing up in the garden and regaining her senses, Ana asks Christian the completely valid question: ‘How did you find me?’ Apparently he tracked her phone. This man Ana just met wanted to pick her up because she sounded drunk, so he tracked her phone and found her. How romantic.

Ana’s ‘muscles clench deliciously’ and my spidey sense tells me this is a phrase I’m going to read a frustrating number of times throughout the rest of this book.

Ana’s subconscious is back to figuratively doing things; specifically, she is tutting and glaring at Ana ‘over her half-moon specs’. I wonder when Ana’s subconscious developed vision impairment. And eyes.

Christian has been with Ana at the bar for quite some time now, but she takes this moment to create a mental note of every item of clothing he is wearing and to describe him as ‘yummy’. I might not have had five margaritas, but even I’m starting to feel queasy now.

Before she leaves with Christian, Ana wants to tell Kate where she is going. Kate is on the dance floor, apparently. She tells Christian this and next thing she knows, he is leading her towards the floor. Ana immediately begins panicking about the fact that she does not dance. Maybe he doesn’t want to dance with you, Ana? Maybe he is simply taking you to the place you said you wanted to go?

But it turns out he does want to dance. And, of course, he is incredibly good at dancing because it’s a well-known fact that all well-dressed rich men are.

Kate is dancing with Christian’s brother, Elliot, because apparently best friends dating brothers is a necessary plot line for this book and heaven forbid any girl be attracted to somebody who isn’t rich. Ana tries to describe Elliot but can’t determine his eye colour beneath the flashing lights. I’m disappointed, because this information is very important to me and I was in the process of compiling a list of the incredibly story-relevant eye colours of every character.

In the end, Christian steers Ana away from Kate before they even have a chance to talk. Ana’s main concern about this is that she didn’t get to give Kate a safe sex lecture. It has been fairly well-established at this point that Ana is the innocent one and Kate is the experienced one, so I’m not sure what Ana was planning on saying that Kate doesn’t already know.

Ana swears, falls over and the chapter ends.

One more chapter until we start getting to the really NSFW stuff. I'm both excited for the prospect of ripping poorly represented scenes to shreds and terrified of the prospect of having to read them. I hope you all have strong stomachs!

I find Ana’s musings that Christian might be ‘celibate’ or ‘saving himself’ laugh out loud funny given we all know how far from the truth that is. I’m looking forward to the moment poor, ignorant Ana realises how wrong she is.

Yes, because when an attractive, rich, and successful man rejects you, it's obviously because he's saving himself. Yes.

Ana, the girl who has never been drunk before, has champagne, five margaritas and decides that it’s time for a beer. Ana, the girl who has never been drunk before, is going to pass out before this night is through.

More like puke. I know she's never drank alcohol before, but doesn't she know she shouldn't mix booze? Especially if she has no tolerance for alcohol? Where are all of her friends? That camera guy? Spanish Inquisition Kate?

Christian figures out that Ana is drunk and demands she tell him which bar she is in. Ana dismisses this as him being ‘his usual control freak’. She hasn’t known him nearly long enough to have established his ‘usual’ and if this is in fact his usual, that would be setting off all sorts of alarms for a rational human being.

Apparently in this world it's totally normal for men you've only met three times before you rush to your side because you're out at a bar with friends and drinking is just the worst thing in the world. You need a white knight, sister.

After throwing up in the garden and regaining her senses, Ana asks Christian the completely valid question: ‘How did you find me?’ Apparently he tracked her phone. This man Ana just met wanted to pick her up because she sounded drunk, so he tracked her phone and found her. How romantic.

That's not creepy at all. Ana should probably head back to that bathroom because she's about to piss herself with excitement over being stalked by a guy like Christian Grey.

Your commentary on my commentary is greatly appreciated. :hahaha:

this is hilarious.

Keep it up, please! :love:

and please become the resident Let's Read gal because I am loving this

We're getting into the sex stuff now, so if you aren't keen, now's when you should look away. No actual sex scenes for another couple of chapters, but a bit of discussion and the beginnings of some physical contact. Parts of this are obviously NSFW.

Also there's mentions of assault, consent and unsafe BDSM practice in this chapter review, so be careful if you have any triggers and whatnot. In fact most, if not all, of the following chapters will have this sort of content, as I am very unhappy with the way both Ana and Christian behave sexually, so consider this a warning for all chapters past this one. Now that the warnings are out of the way, let's get to it.

Chapter Five
Ana opens her eyes and for a moment she is ‘tranquil and serene’ (which are strange terms to use to describe a person rather than a place) in her unfamiliar surroundings. If I woke in unfamiliar surroundings, my first thoughts would be of confusion and potentially fear; I can guarantee I wouldn’t be experiencing tranquillity.

She glances at the bedside table to find a glass of orange juice and two tablets that she assumes are Advil. I hope they have their name imprinted on them, because otherwise the fact that she is taking some mysterious tablets in a strange man’s hotel suite is incredibly concerning. Even if they do have their name imprinted on them, taking mysterious tablets is still an incredibly irresponsible decision.

Christian knocks on the door to his own room where Ana is sleeping before he re-enters, giving her enough time to cover herself if she so desires. She seems surprised that he doesn’t wait for a response before opening the door. Must I remind you Ana that, until recently, you were still asleep. He needs his stuff.

Apparently Christian was working out while Ana was sleeping. His shirt is stained with sweat. ‘Christian Grey’s sweat; the notion does odd things to me’ Ana thinks. The notion that you fetishize sweat confuses me a little, Ana.

Last page, Ana thought she was feeling better than she probably deserves; on this page when Christian asks how she is feeling she says ‘Better than I deserve’. It is completely unnecessary to say this twice.

Ana observes that Christian ‘hides his thoughts and feelings so well’. Just so you know, Ana, not everybody writes their emotions all over their face in fifty shades of red.

The reason Christian took Ana to his hotel room rather than back to her apartment is because he was worried about her throwing up on the leather in his car, apparently. Passing out in the arms of an outrageously controlling man that I just met and then waking up in his bed without my jeans and my socks because he undressed me is not something I would find endearing; that’s terrifying.

Christian uses some archaic turn of phrase and Ana says he sounds like a ‘courtly knight’. Of course he does. He’s a lovely white knight come to save you, Ana, from all the hardships in your privileged life. He doesn’t have any kind of agenda of his own, is not at all selfish or manipulative, and is obviously the romantic partner that every woman dreams of.

Christian tells Ana that she’s lucky he’s only verbally scolding her for her actions, saying ‘if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday’. Being a reader of this book, my prior knowledge of its content gives this quote some context – I am aware that Christian is involved in the (incredibly inaccurately portrayed, but I’ll get to that) BDSM scene; however, I don’t understand why Ana didn’t hear this and immediately think of physical and emotional abuse. He is saying that if you were his girlfriend he would want to control your foolish, though not altogether dangerous, behaviour and then physically punish you for your actions if you break his rules.

Instead of being outraged by this, Ana’s subconscious does a happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being Christian’s. Apparently Ana’s subconscious is made happy by the thought of being treated like property. Of course she is – Ana has so little agency that she brings shame to the genuine submissives that exist in the BDSM community. If the millions of people who have read this book genuinely think that this is how a true dominant/submissive relationship works, then I am appalled.

Tangentially, I remember reading that E L James did research into the BDSM community before writing this book. I’m yet to see it. Either she interviewed people in abusive relationships or she completely disregarded large portions of her interviews before converting those anecdotal tales into the misleading pile of misinformation I now hold in front of me in the form of a paperback. I’m feeling genuine trepidation about rereading the explicit, ‘erotic’ scenes that I know are present in the coming chapters because I am nervous to see how she misrepresents the sexual practices of the BDSM community.

Christian says he’s going to have a shower. Apparently the thought of Christian showering causes Ana to forget how to breathe. Gross.

Ana once again reflects on the phrase ‘if you were mine’, ignoring all of the strange threats that followed it. She is prepared to give anything to make that a reality.

When Ana first called Christian a knight, he corrected her, saying ‘a dark knight maybe’. She ponders this while Christian is showering and refuses to accept what should definitely be interpreted as a warning. ‘He’s not a dark knight at all but a white knight in shining, dazzling armor [sic] – a classic romantic hero,’ she thinks. She seems to believe that his stalking her in order to save her from some ‘mistakenly perceived danger’ is romantic and heroic. Once again, Ana is setting a fantastic example for women everywhere.

At this point Ana has retracted her original suspicion that Christian is celibate; however, she’s confused as to why he hasn’t made ‘a pass’ at her like Paul and José. She seems disappointed about that. Ana, need I remind you that José’s attempt to get in your pants involved him sexually assaulting you outside a bar? Do you realise what you are asking for right now?

She continues, realising that she slept in his bed all night and he didn’t even touch her. Apparently this is a sign that he doesn’t find her attractive. The fact that Ana wants a man to feel her up without her consent while she’s practically unconscious in his bed from drinking too much alcohol really concerns me.

Taylor, Christian’s right-hand man, went to the store some time during the morning to buy Ana new clothes, including fancy European lingerie that fits perfectly. I understand now the ‘erotic fantasy’ element of this book – I’d love some free, perfectly-fitted European lingerie.

Ana describes the living area as being the size of a tennis court. Even with couches, coffee table, television and dining table, that space would look incredibly empty.

Apparently Ana has never stayed out all night before and she’s sure Kate will be worried. She’s never stayed overnight at a friend’s house? Gone to one of her parents’ houses for a holiday? That’s pretty boring.

Christian ordered a selection of breakfasts from the menu rather than simply ask Ana what she would like. She describes this as being very ‘profligate’ out him. What a pretentious word to use in general conversation.

It was only a week ago that Ana and Christian went on their ‘date’, but she’s surprised he remembered her tea order. It wasn’t exactly complicated – a particular brand, teabag out because she likes her tea weak. As weak as her.

Christian makes a bitter observation that Ana’s hair is still damp. He told her while she was in the shower that room service would be bringing breakfast soon, but he still expected her to use a hairdryer? And really, what does it matter? Making snide comments about a woman’s appearance is apparently the way to a woman’s heart if you believe Ana’s fantasy that Christian is some knight in shining armour.

‘““Oh kiss me, kiss me, Christian,””’ Christian mocks the way Ana looked up at him just over a week ago, internally begging him to kiss her because she believed it was more effective than having agency. Quoting that sentence of dialogue took too many sets of quotation marks, so I hope the increased light it sheds on Christian’s character was worth it.

Ana’s lack of professionalism makes another appearance as she realises she is meant to work at midday, but still decided to go out last night, drink so much she vomited and passed out, and fluff around in Christian’s hotel room all morning. Thankfully there are still two hours between her recollection that she has to work and the time she has to start.

Christian asking questions about Ana’s plans for the week is apparently enough to constitute the Christian Grey Inquisition (which is ‘almost as irritating as the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition’).

While thinking, Ana apparently has a habit of biting her lip. ‘“I’d like to bite that lip,”’ Christian says to Ana ‘darkly’. She internally declares this to be the sexiest thing another human being has ever said to her. You’ve lived a sad life thus far, haven’t you Ana.

‘Jeez, I’m a quivering, mess, and he hasn’t even touched me,’ Ana thinks. That extra comma makes me cringe. At this point in writing the book, E L James was too excited by her strange fantasy to care about punctuation anymore; she was in a rush to get to the sex scenes.

For all his threats of physical and emotional abuse, at least Christian seems to understand what consent is; he apparently is refusing to touch Ana until she has signed a contract.

It seems to be perfectly acceptable for Christian to say phrases like, ‘“Like Eve, you’re so quick to eat from the tree of knowledge,”’ in conversation. As part of the prose, I might have let that go, but dialogue? Cliché count: 13.

Christian calls Taylor and tells him that he is going to need Charlie Tango tonight. ‘Charlie Tango! Who’s he?’ Ana asks herself in pointless italics. Surely everybody is familiar enough with the phonetic alphabet to recognise that ‘Charlie’ and ‘Tango’ represent the letters ‘C’ and ‘T’ respectively, and thus Christian is probably not referring to a person. If it is indeed a person, they have a rather unfortunate name. A rather unfortunate unisex name, and yet Ana immediately assumed they would be male. Rude.

Yes, see, it’s a helicopter. Thank you, Ana, for repeating everything Christian said during and after his phone call to ensure that point was conveyed. ‘All night!’ ‘Pilot?’ ‘“Fly?”’

Christian ordered too much food, made Ana feel incredibly anxious with all his talk of lip biting and helicopter flying, and then gets mad at her when she doesn’t have the appetite to finish her breakfast. But of course she forces the food down; she obviously doesn’t have the agency to explain aloud that she isn’t hungry anymore.

Ana smiles at one of her many strange thoughts and Christian asks ‘“What’s so funny?”’ He doesn’t bother waiting for an answer before he moves on to his next question. Rude.

It’s revealed that Christian slept beside Ana in his bed last night while she was unconscious. Even though he claims he didn’t touch her at all, this seems incredibly inappropriate. He also says that this is a novelty for him.

‘“Not having sex?”’ Ana asks. ‘“Sleeping with someone,”’ he corrects her. ‘What in heaven’s name does that mean?’ she ponders. ‘He’s a virgin?’ No, Ana, you flippin’ idiot – we have already established that he is not a virgin. I can understand why you don’t want to pay attention to what’s going on around you, because it’s all pretty terrible, but given it’s your life maybe you should at least to try to remember what has already happened in this book where you are apparently the protagonist.

Ana gets a strange thrill out of using Christian’s toothbrush, excited by the prospect of almost having him in her mouth. Gross.

I’ve listened to a lot of professional phone calls in my time and I’ve never heard anyone say ‘“Keep me abreast of progress.”’ Just because Christian is rich does not mean he needs to speak in such an unrealistically pompous fashion.

Before their ‘date’, Ana and Christian saw a couple kissing passionately when the doors to the hotel elevator opened. This was obviously foreshadowing, because as soon as Ana and Christian are in the elevator again, he sticks his tongue down her throat. ‘“Oh, smurf the paperwork”’ he says before pressing her against the wall. So, apparently Christian understands the concept of consent but doesn’t care about actually ensuring he has it.

This is their first kiss, and Christian has decided to pin sweet, innocent, bookworm-who-can’t-play-sports Ana against a wall with her arms above her head. He tugs her hair and it’s ‘only just not painful’. He holds her in place by grasping her chin. She describes herself as ‘helpless’. She’s unable to move or resist Christian and she didn’t give explicit permission for this to occur; this is a very unhealthy way to start a physical relationship with someone.

Christian pulls away and Ana glance at him to see if she has any sort of effect on him. We are introduced to Ana’s inner goddess at this point, who I am assuming is like Ana’s subconscious only she makes more of an attempt to be sexy. I look forward to growing sick of this third personality as quickly as I grew tired of her second. And first.

Ana reveals that she used Christian’s toothbrush and he seems to find it strangely endearing, in a ‘“What am I going to do with you?”’ kind of way. And with that, the chapter ends.

This is a really weird book.

That just about covers it.

Quote:

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‘How did you find me?’ Apparently he tracked her phone. This man Ana just met wanted to pick her up because she sounded drunk, so he tracked her phone and found her. How romantic.

---

Holy trout

no no no no no no no no no no no no

never been so creept out and disturbed just * shudders *

It gets worse.

This is giving me tips in how to pick up women in real life.

By a process best described as "inversion".

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jinx

Apparently he tracked her phone. This man Ana just met wanted to pick her up because she sounded drunk, so he tracked her phone and found her. How romantic.

---

You mean... this isn't normal? O-oh.

Chapter Six

Ana gets in Christian’s car and is immediately concerned that Christian hasn’t mentioned what happened in the elevator yet. She wonders if she should bring it up. And say what, Ana? Do you really need to tell Christian about how turned on his uninvited advances made you?

Touching her swollen lips, Ana declares that she is now a changed woman. I don’t see any evidence of this – she seems to be just as lacking in agency as before.

The music in Christian’s car ‘sends shivers up [Ana’s] spine’. Cliché count: 14.

Ana describes the music as an assault on her ‘aural senses’. Surely she, as a human, has only one aural sense? Hearing?

I immediately like Christian’s brother Elliot – you know, as much as I can like a character created by E L James, which is a limited amount. He calls to ask Christian if he got ‘laid’ and when he realises Ana can hear him via speakerphone, says ‘Hi, Ana!’ The sheer act of using somebody’s preferred name is enough for me to immediately like him more than anybody else that this book has introduced me to so far.

Ana, with a momentary surge of agency, confronts Christian about why he insists on calling her ‘Anastasia’. ‘Because it’s your name,’ he responds. This utter disregard for Ana’s preferences demonstrates Christian’s selfish nature and shows the contrast between what he says and what he does. It may just be a name at this point, but his attitude towards it does not instil confidence in me regarding how he intends on treating her in the future.

Christian delivers Ana to her apartment, which is now apparently a duplex, but never had to ask where she lives. This doesn’t seem to be a problem for her. She remembers that he posted her rare first edition books, so of course he knows where she lives. That doesn’t answer the question of how he found your mailing address in the first place though, Ana.

Ana is more interested in thinking about Christian, who said ‘what happened in the elevator – it won’t happen again, well, not unless it’s premeditated’. She heard these words and immediately thinks this means Christian doesn’t want to kiss her again. That’s not quite what he said, Ana; if you felt confused, that would make sense, but your selective hearing is frustrating.

All this whispering and murmuring and gasping is getting on my nerves. Can’t you people just say things to each other?

Christian calls ‘Miss Kavanagh’ Kate at his brothers’ request. Why not ‘Katherine’? Apparently the ‘it’s your name’ rule only applies to people he feels like having sex with.

Elliot kisses Kate passionately while Ana and Christian are watching. Apparently the kiss is so good that Kate becomes ‘comely and compliant’. I don’t understand why it is necessary for every female character – even the one who was, until recently, being described as ‘tenacious’ ad nauseam – to become completely submissive as soon as a man enters the scene.

Once the boys leave, Ana and Kate have a conversation about sex, but apparently neither of them are actually able to use the word. Ana explains that Christian is going to pick her up after work and take her to Seattle. ‘“So maybe you will then?”’ Kate asks. ‘“Oh, I hope so,”’ Ana replies. ‘“So you like him then?”’ Kate asks. I really hope Ana likes him, considering she just implied that she wants to have sex with him, but I can’t blame you for missing that since you’re both being awfully vague about it, Kate.

Kate decides she needs to make sure Ana looks ‘irresistible’ for when Christian picks her up that evening, whatever that means. Kate takes Ana to her bedroom and we aren’t told what happens next. That leads to some interesting inferences.

What happened in Kate’s bedroom is described later when Ana is reminiscing while working, but her memories are written in present tense, which is confusing. Apparently Kate shaved and plucked every hair on Ana’s body because ‘this is what men expect these days’. While it’s true that some men may expect this, and more may prefer it, I find the act of shaving and plucking everywhere purely for the sake of pleasing a man’s unrealistic expectations to be utterly atrocious. It is even highlighted that Ana found the experience ‘unpleasant’, which emphasises the act was not something she was doing for her own comfort, but solely for that of Christian. Some of that discomfort may be to do with the fact that Ana’s friend has decided to address her body hair though; I’m not sure I would find the experience of somebody else shaving my legs to be particularly pleasant either.

For some ‘strange reason’ Kate doesn’t trust Christian. Maybe it’s because she knows nothing about him other than that he is outrageously rich and that he took Ana back to his hotel room while she was incredibly drunk rather than taking her back to her own apartment. But no, it couldn’t possibly be that; that would make too much sense.

Ana ponders whether or not Christian was joking when he mentioned ‘written paperwork’. I wish he was, Ana.

‘Even I know helicopters need space to take off and land,’ Ana thinks, seemingly amazed that there is any sort of knowledge in that mind of hers. Don’t worry, Ana – I’m amazed too.

Ana sees the elevators and – ‘Elevator!’ – is reminded of that morning. In fact, the memory ‘comes back to haunt [her]’. Firstly, this is a strange use of the word ‘haunt’; usually that word is connected to something you would rather not remember, but we have been assured that Ana enjoyed herself in the elevator, as concerning as that may be. Secondly, cliché count: 15.

Christian’s helicopter has ‘Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc’ emblazoned on the side. Ana thinks their flight to Seattle is probably a misuse of company property. I don’t think it really matters – it’s Christian’s company after all, so he can fly his helicopter whenever he pleases. I do wonder if he’s planning on putting the petrol he uses down as a business expense for tax purposes though.

Apparently Christian’s helicopter is a seven-seater. That’s a little ostentatious.

Christian straps Ana into the four-point harness so tightly that she can hardly move. ‘“I like this harness”’ he whispers mysteriously. More unnecessary whispering. Again, my reader’s knowledge of this book’s content reveals what that remark is referring to – our dear Christian enjoys tying women down; however, for Ana this must be the strangest sentence, and for once she displays the emotion she should: confusion.

Christian assures Ana that she is safe with him. ‘“Well, while we’re flying”’ he clarifies with a wink. No, she should be safe with you at all times, regardless of what you intend on getting up to with her behind closed doors at some point in the future. Safety is paramount and I am appalled that E L James is suggesting in this dialogue that the BDSM community doesn’t agree with that. And what person in their right mind hears this and cares more about how attractive his wink is than the obvious warning contained in his words? Ana, that’s who.

Apparently Ana is the first girl Christian has flown with in his helicopter. ‘“It’s another first for me,’” he says. ‘Another first?’ Ana wonders. He is referring to the time when he slept in a bed with your unconscious body, Ana; if you paid attention to your own narration, you would know this.

The memory of José’s attempted kiss ‘haunts’ Ana. This is a much better use of the word. She is reminded of the many messages José has left her and feels guilty that she hasn’t returned his calls. So, in short, last night Ana’s ‘friend’ sexually assaulted her and she feels guilty because she hasn’t returned his phone calls?

As they near Christian’s place in Seattle, Ana feels as though she might faint. ‘My fate is in his hands,’ she thinks. This attitude is frightening. She’s considering having sex with this man and is acting as though she is entirely powerless in this process.

Ana has so little agency she can’t even take off her own headphones once the helicopter has landed.

We are treated a full page description of every inch of Christian’s oversized apartment. I will spare you the details.

Ana refers to Christian’s living area as a ‘mission statement’. I hesitate to say that this is actually clever writing. The room is exaggerated, ostentatious and unnecessary, and Ana is correct is saying that pretty much sums up Christian’s mission.

Adding intertextual links to Tess of the d’Urbervilles, both at this point and earlier when Ana was doing her exams and Christian sent her a first edition copy, does not make your work sound more intellectual, E L James.

Christian begins comparing Ana to characters from Tess of the d’Urbervilles. Given the choice of being held to ‘an impossibly high ideal’ or being ‘debased’, Ana chooses the latter. And she doesn’t just choose internally – she says this aloud. A list of synonyms for ‘debase’ include such wonders as ‘humiliate’, ‘degrade’, ‘demean’, ‘shame’, ‘defile’, ‘adulterate’, ‘sully’, ‘taint’, ‘tarnish’ and ‘soil’. How little self-esteem does a person need to have to give a man permission to treat her in this way?

Christian presents Ana with a nondisclosure agreement. When asked to clarify what signing this piece of paper means, Christian says that, upon signing, Ana would not be able to talk about their relationship, if it becomes a relationship, to anyone. Immediately she signs, her curiosity towards his big, dark secret apparently more important to her than being able to discuss Christian with her friends and family.

Displaying concern for how quickly Ana decided to sign the paperwork, Christian asks about her motives. She explains that even without the agreement she wouldn’t talk about him with anyone – even Kate. The fact that she is trying to avoid discussing their relationship is a sure sign that she doesn’t want to be talked out of it, and that she probably should be. ‘“Fair point well made, Miss Steele”’ Christian says in respond to her sloppy argument. This is a phrase I’m sure will be repeated.

Every time an idea leaves Ana’s mouth that could be mistaken for agency, she immediately thinks something along the lines of ‘Did I just say that?’ just to make sure everybody realises it was accidental.

‘First, I don’t make love, I smurf… hard,’ Christian says. Heaven forbid we include any romantic feelings in this portrayal of BDSM.

Christian wants to show Ana ‘the playroom’ before they discuss the idea of sex any further. ‘“You want to play on your Xbox?”’ Ana asks. Oh, poor, sweet, innocent, bookworm-who-can’t-play-sports Ana.

Before opening the door, Christian ensures Ana knows that she can leave at any time, so at least that’s a plus. She won’t have any of it though. ‘“Just open the damn door, Christian”’ she says. He appears to be unperturbed by this use of his first name, even though he has previously stated that he doesn’t like people using it.

He opens the door and when she looks inside she mentions yet another Inquisition, but this time the Spanish one. The chapter ends as Ana thinks ‘Holy smurf.’ I am assuming this is supposed to make me so curious that I simply have to read on, but I’m content for now; thanks anyway.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AlaynaMae

[The chapter ends as Ana thinks ‘Holy smurf.’ I am assuming this is supposed to make me so curious that I simply have to read on, but I’m content for now; thanks anyway.

---

no please read on i wanna know what happens :(

I'm just proofreading my chapter seven review. It will be up shortly. :)

Elliot kisses Kate passionately while Ana and Christian are watching. Apparently the kiss is so good that Kate becomes ‘comely and compliant’. I don’t understand why it is necessary for every female character – even the one who was, until recently, being described as ‘tenacious’ ad nauseam – to become completely submissive as soon as a man enters the scene.

The kiss makes her more beautiful?


Apparently Christian’s helicopter is a seven-seater. That’s a little ostentatious.

Is this even a THING? Even medical helicopters aren't THAT big. Also, is he compensating?


Christian presents Ana with a nondisclosure agreement. When asked to clarify what signing this piece of paper means, Christian says that, upon signing, Ana would not be able to talk about their relationship, if it becomes a relationship, to anyone. Immediately she signs, her curiosity towards his big, dark secret apparently more important to her than being able to discuss Christian with her friends and family.

As someone who was in a relationship where I couldn't tell anyone about it (more or less), can I just say this is super smurfed up? It's abuse, Ana. RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.



also is it just more is it taking a ridiculously long time to get to the smurfing?

We're nearly there, Jinx - the smurfing starts next chapter. Until then, here's a review of 'the playroom' and the contract.

Chapter Seven

Ana enters the ‘playroom’. Materials include leather, wood, more wood, old varnished wood, mahogany, iron, ropes, chains, shackles, more wood, more leather, and an assortment of paddles, whips, riding crops and ‘funny-looking feathery implements’.

After looking around the room at a variety of strange contraptions and instruments, Ana places most of her concern on the couch in the centre of the room and the fact that it is facing the bed. Ana, I think this is the least of your worries.

The dark red lighting apparently makes the room feel ‘soft and romantic’ to Ana. I find it hard to believe somebody as innocent as Ana could stand in a room like this one and not feel threatened, or at least more confused than she appears to be, at its contents. For someone who seems to get nervous at everything, she seems to be exceedingly calm about what she can see.

Apparently Ana’s subconscious has ‘emigrated or been struck dumb or simply keeled over and expired’. That’s exciting.

Ana tries to determine how she is feeling. Finally her mind rests on fear. Finally she is being sensible. ‘But weirdly not of him,’ she clarifies. Then fear of what, Ana? She claims she isn’t scared of Christian because she doesn’t think he would hurt her. ‘Well, not without my consent,’ she adds. Christian has already done several things without explicit consent, and has already refused to do things that he has been asked to do, like call Ana by her preferred name, so I’m not sure where she has found this confidence.

Here, after a brief to and fro between Ana and Christian about what takes place in this playroom, Christian says that he’s a ‘“Dominant”’ and clarifies this to mean that he wants Ana to ‘“willingly surrender [her]self to [him], in all things’. She immediately seems ready to learn how to ‘please’ him, even after he explains that the various items surrounding them will be used to reward and punish Ana based on her actions. This is a perfectly acceptable relationship dynamic when the two people involved are consenting adults, but I am surprised by how quickly Ana seems to be willing to consider Christian’s proposal, before she is even aware of the details. It’s strange, given she has been painted as an incredibly ‘innocent’ character from the beginning and earlier Kate implied that sex was something Ana wasn’t particularly well-versed in.

Christian tells Ana that in this relationship his pleasure is found in her submission: the more she submits, the more pleasurable he finds it. In response to this, Ana asks, ‘“Okay, and what do I get out of this?”’ Christian shrugs and says ‘“Me”’. So, in short, for Ana to date Christian she has to follow a list of rules that we are yet to see in order to be rewarded in this playroom and endure punishments if she happens to break these rules; by following these rules and submitting to his will, Ana will please Christian, and this is the only way for them to be together. I’m not noticing any elements of equality in this equation yet, but perhaps as more discussions inevitably ensue around this topic, compromises may take place.

Christian holds out a hand to Ana to lead her out of the playroom. She is hesitant to take it. She claimed she didn’t fear him, but her actions seem to disagree. Being scared of a man but being too attracted to him to leave is a dangerous situation.

Christian shows Ana the room where she would be staying if she ‘“wants to do this”’. ‘“You’re expecting me to move in?”’ she asks, horrified. He assures her that it wouldn’t be full time and that they can negotiate that later. At least now we know negotiation is supposed to be a factor in this process.

Ana is bothered by the idea of sleeping in a different room to Christian when she is staying at his apartment. She has trouble reconciling the Christian who has whips and chains in his playroom and the Christian who ‘saved’ her from a bar. I have less trouble reconciling those two sides of this man – they both demonstrate how domineering, controlling and overbearing he is.

Christian explains that before they do anything, Ana must sign a contract that states what each party will and won’t do. ‘“This is consensual, Anastasia”’ Christian stresses. I’m really glad you cleared that up, Christian, because I was getting worried.

Christian compares his relationship and sexual preferences to how some people like cheese and some people don’t. ‘We’re talking about cheese… Holy crap.’ Ana thinks. It’s really not that exciting, Ana.

It becomes clear that Christian intends on ordering Ana around in all facets of their lives if she agrees to enter into a relationship with him, as he forces her to eat even though she isn’t hungry. I don’t understand how force-feeding somebody is appealing for either party.

‘“Like a moth to a flame”’ Christian says, explaining how he can’t resist Ana. Cliché count: 16.

Ana went from blushing all the time to biting her lip all the time. It seems unnecessary for this to be mentioned constantly.

Ana is incredibly excited that Christian wants her. She is so excited that she keeps dismissing what him wanting her means. She seems to think that ignoring what Christian expects from a relationship with her will make those expectations go away.

Christian once again insists that Ana eat and she says ‘“No. I haven’t signed anything yet, so I think I’ll hang on to my free will for a bit longer”’. It’s interesting that the closer she gets to commencing a relationship with a Dominant, the more assertive she seems to become.

Christian provides Ana with the rules that make up part of her contract. He instructs her to read the rules so that they can discuss them.

The Submissive is expected to do anything the Dominant asks, except those things outlined in a separate list of ‘hard limits’. If the Submissive didn’t expressly list a particular act as being off-limits, this contract essentially makes them obligated to perform it if asked. That is a frightening prospect.

Rules for the Submissive’s life extend outside of the bedroom, and even outside of the time she spends in the Dominant’s apartment (which Christian suggested might be Friday evening through Sunday). These rules include achieving seven hours of sleep every night, eating regularly from a list of prescribed foods, no snacking between meals (except fruit), only wearing clothing approved or provided by the Dominant, wearing any ‘adornments’ the Dominant deems necessary whenever he sees fit, training with a personal trainer four times a week, remaining shaved and/or waxed at all times, undergoing whatever beauty treatments the Dominant ‘sees fit’, not drinking to excess, not smoking, not doing drugs, not entering into a sexual relationship with anybody other than the Dominant, always conducting herself in a respectful and modest manner and recognising that her actions are a reflection on the Dominant.

This list of rules covers almost nothing about the sexual expectations of the relationship and is more about controlling the Submissive’s (read: Ana’s) life choices. I’m not going to mock this list of rules – there are plenty of functioning couples who work with similar rules to these through a consensual relationship of mutual respect – but I am interested to see how Christian explains the purpose of these rules to somebody whose interest in being a Submissive lies in her desire to be in a relationship with Christian, and not in actually being a Submissive.

Ana feels guilty about the prospect of having her clothes bought by Christian, worried that it would make her a ‘ho’, in her words. After he assures her she won’t be expected to wear his clothes when she is not with him, she resigns herself to the idea, telling herself to treat them as a uniform. This, by extension, means she is convincing herself to treat her relationship with Christian as a job. I don’t understand how somebody who, just a few hours ago, was desperate to be in what she considered to be a ‘normal relationship’ with Christian is now convincing herself that a Dominant/Submissive partnership would be acceptable to her if she looks at it like it’s a job.

Even though Ana is unhappy with the clothing and waxing rules, the only rule Ana manages to convince Christian to modify – and although he said this process was a negotiation, it takes an awful lot of convincing – is reducing the personal training sessions from four sessions per week to three. I’m still not sensing much compromise here.

Christian’s list of ‘hard limits’ contains eight acts, ranging from the use of various bodily fluids, medical instruments, fire and electrical currents. In fact, Christian is so against the use of fire that he lists it in both the first and last point on his list. The list is very varied, with some limits being personal preference and some being a matter of legality. Listing that he is against performing acts that involve animals and children, for instance, should go without saying. If it needs to be explicitly stated that he doesn’t wish to break the law in that area, then I feel a lot of other things also need to be explicitly stated. What about corpses, Christian? Are you against having sex with corpses? You haven’t explicitly listed it, so you must think it’s fine.

Ana reads the list and thinks ‘Any sane person wouldn’t want to be involved in this sort of thing, surely.’ Of course I agree that this applies to some of the items on the list, such as the one regarding animals and children, but some of these limits are more a matter of personal preference. I find it strange that Ana has just seen so many peculiar things in Christian’s playroom, but considers only the acts noted on his list of hard limits to be outside the realm of what a ‘sane person’ would be interested in. My own preferences aside, there are sex toys that use ‘electrical currents’ sold in adult stores near the vibrators, ‘breathing control’ is something many couples practice to heighten their sexual experiences and bodily fluids are a source of arousal for a number of individuals. Ana’s narration here is incredibly selective, considering anything Christian is interested in to be acceptable and anything he is not interested in to be insane. If this book is supposed to make ideas of BDSM more socially acceptable, I find it interesting that E L James has clearly stated here which camps within the BDSM community she is not fighting on behalf of.

Ana reveals that she hasn’t had sex before. There was plenty of foreshadowing around Ana’s innocence and inexperience, but this is the first time her virginity has been explicitly revealed. Knowing that Ana has never had sex makes her reaction (or, rather, lack of reaction) to everything she has seen and heard since being inside Christian’s apartment even harder to believe. Perhaps it can be blamed on shock, but somebody who has had no sexual experience, particularly somebody as typically nervous as Ana, should be reacting to recent events with a lot more anxiety.

Christian’s immediate response to this revelation is not one of guilt or remorse, as it probably should be given he is responsible for Ana’s less-than-gentle first exposure to sexuality, but with an anger that closes the chapter.

I have such a hard time accepting that this piece of trash even exists, and a harder time reading about the absurdities of it all. I think it casts an incredibly terrible, offensive light on people who choose to live these lifestyles and reading about all of the author's details of them all in conjunction to Ana's horrible, timid, plain personality just puts a bad taste in my mouth, as if only feeble, "innocent", naive women who don't know any better would be interested in consent to any of it. I don't like it at all.

This isn't a criticism about your commentary, though, dear, just the content of the story. You're doing a fine job.

The fact that this was the fastest selling work of "literature" in history has me judging humanity so severely :doublecolbert:

The really sad thing is that a big part of the marketing of this atrocity was the whole romance and BDSM and "forbidden" thing sex and how it should be more accepted and so on.

Sadly, as we've seen in this thread, it's a really bad representation of any and all of these things and now the general public are even more ignorant about it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Shorty

I think it casts an incredibly terrible, offensive light on people who choose to live these lifestyles and reading about all of the author's details of them all in conjunction to Ana's horrible, timid, plain personality just puts a bad taste in my mouth, as if only feeble, "innocent", naive women who don't know any better would be interested in consent to any of it. I don't like it at all.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Parker

The really sad thing is that a big part of the marketing of this atrocity was the whole romance and BDSM and "forbidden" thing sex and how it should be more accepted and so on.

Sadly, as we've seen in this thread, it's a really bad representation of any and all of these things and now the general public are even more ignorant about it.

---

I 100% agree with both of you. This book was apparently written to help society see what it is like inside BDSM relationships and inside the BDSM community, but does an absolutely terrible job of conveying this. This, as Parker says, basically makes society more ignorant than they were when they first started reading this book. And given how many people have read it - as The Man said, it's the fastest selling book in history - that's a lot of people who now have the wrong idea of what BDSM is all about (and are going into sex shops and buying 50 Shades of Grey branded merchandise, which is worrying considering this book has just finished telling them abuse is sexy).

I agree, Shorty: it's awful that they have made it seem like only timid, meek girls could ever want to consent to being a Submissive. I will also touch on Christian's 'motives' later in the readthrough, but (SPOILER)it's made to look as though only people who have been abused could ever consent to or find pleasure in being a Dominant. I've read the book once before, and that makes me even angrier because I know there is worse to come than you folks have seen if your only exposure to 50 Shades is through this readthrough.

With the next chapter I will be reviewing the first sex scene in the book, and if you think you've seen terrible things thus far, you ain't seen nothing yet. The first sex scene in the book is supposed to be a 'vanilla' introduction into sex for Ana's sake, but Christians actions are appalling. The following sex scenes depict some actions that would take place in a BDSM relationship, but they're all mixed up with lack of consent and unsafe sexual practices that should never. Of course these unsafe practices do take place within every community somewhere, but to make out like these actions are the norm for BDSM relationships is incredibly ill-informed and makes me very angry at E L James (who apparently researched this stuff).

:mad:

Anyway, thank you all for reading my review as I go. It makes me less likely to throw my book against a wall and give up on this task when I know there are people looking at my work and agreeing with the comments I'm making. I want to finish this - and it will probably get to the 50,000 word mark when I do - so thanks for the motivation.

I think this review could actually open up some interesting dialogue over BDSM relationships, but it's probably more fit to EoEO instead of TMHQ. :)

I didn't intend for it to be quite so serious when I started, but as I've been reading I've just been getting angrier about misrepresentation. I really hope my review does open up some dialogue about BDSM relationships, even if only on a superficial level, because I'd hate for people to read these books and consume the information they provide as being factual. I'd be very pleased if my writing could help change that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by The Man

The fact that this was the fastest selling work of "literature" in history has me judging humanity so severely :doublecolbert:

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That and women are finding it hot, romantic, sexy and attractive. When it's just a man lowering a woman's self- esteem, for sex.

Yeah, but people found Twilight romantic too so that doesn't really surprise me. I guess this having originated as Twilight fanfiction should have made it obvious that the depictions of romance and sex in this series would be at least equally bad, but while I knew the books portrayed romance, sex, and particularly BDSM in an unpleasant light, I still somehow didn't expect them to be this bad. It's like the author has never even heard of "safe, sane and consensual".

Though apparently they've completely watered down the feature film, which is problematic for its own reasons.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by The Man

Yeah, but people found Twilight romantic too so that doesn't really surprise me.

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yeah but Twilight is aimed at tweens and teenagers, while not healthy for them in the slightest, they can hopefully learn and grow that being stalked is not healthy or romantic and neither is trying to jump off a cliff because you and your boy split up and other terrible Twilight bad advice.

Sort of like ending that anime weeaboo stage.


But this is aimed towards women, adults, women that should be knowing better and should know that this novel is not romantic in the slightest and is completely creepy and disturbing as trout, and yet they all loved it, or sort of guilty pleasure, which is still enjoying it, just in secret and have made this stupid book successful.

When you are 12- 16 years old you cannot marry, and you have time to learn and grow. 20-40 years old, you can, and if the relationship is abusive, leaving becomes almost impossible for you.

Men are most likely reading this book, believing that this is what women what these days when it comes to love and romance, and women are wanting it, being unaware that this trout is abusive.


Love and romance is getting crappier and crappier these days, and abusive relationships are being manipulated to look romance and passionate by the media and people who be knowing better.

Seriously, it's getting to the stage where somebody just opens the door for some guests and I would be asking for that man's hand in marriage.

I feel like both are problematic in their own way. 50 Shades, because women are reading this and should know better than to think this is romantic or whatever, like you said; Twilight because teenagers are its primary audience and it is negatively impacting on a very impressionable audience, teaching them that abuse is acceptable.

The next time a book like 50 Shades is released, it will be the girls who grew up reading Twilight and allowing themselves to believe its contents are romantic and ideal without questioning the abuse it contains who will want to read it. And then the next Twilight will come out, conditioning the next generation of teenage girls. And so it will continue.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AlaynaMae

I feel like both are problematic in their own way. 50 Shades, because women are reading this and should know better than to think this is romantic or whatever, like you said; Twilight because teenagers are its primary audience and it is negatively impacting on a very impressionable audience, teaching them that abuse is acceptable.

The next time a book like 50 Shades is released, it will be the girls who grew up reading Twilight and allowing themselves to believe its contents are romantic and ideal without questioning the abuse it contains who will want to read it. And then the next Twilight will come out, conditioning the next generation of teenage girls. And so it will continue.

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http://media.tumblr.com/e0c7cb23a26e...WCz1qz4rgp.gif

Holy smurf

You're right

Here is the first sex scene - what you have all apparently been waiting for (well, some of you on chat anyway). If you're expecting it to be arousing, be ready to be disappointed. This chapter is twice the length of the others I have posted so far, so have fun.

Chapter Eight - extremely explicit and NSFW

As a disclaimer at the beginning of this chapter, I would like to briefly disclose my own opinions about virginity, as I would like any readers to understand how my personal biases are and are not affecting this portion of the review. I believe that virginity is a strange concept, as there are few situations where a person is labelled for having never done a particular act and I think the amount of weight virginity is given in our society is entirely unnecessary. That being said, I also believe that sharing somebody’s first experience of sex should be considered a privilege, not a conquest, as a person’s first time should be memorable for all the right reasons, as much as it is possible for both parties.

Immediately Christian is mad that Ana didn’t tell him sooner that she is a virgin and she is feeling guilty. That dynamic is a little disconcerting.

Christian expresses his shock, saying ‘virgin’ like it is a ‘really dirty word’. Instead of caring that Christian is taking personal offence to her sexual status, Ana is too busy being excited that he called her ‘beautiful’ as he wondered aloud how she could have lasted this long without having had sex. Just because she is attractive and men have been interested in her, doesn’t mean she was ever obligated to reciprocate, Christian. That might be something worth realising.

Ana’s subconscious has stopped being dead, waking up in order to rear her ‘somnambulant head’. If something is somnambulant, it ‘walks or has the habit of walking while asleep’ or ‘resembles a sleepwalker’. This is a very obscure adjective to use to describe Ana’s subconscious.

Ana wonders why the first man she has been interested in having sex with is ‘some kind of monster’. Why would you still be considering entering into a relationship, particularly one so far out of your comfort zone and realm of understanding, with somebody you consider to be a ‘monster’? Because he’s rich and attractive? Because he thinks you’re beautiful? Those are not good enough reasons to persevere with this if you are genuinely scared of him.

Christian tells Ana that they are going to ‘“rectify the situation right now”’. Firstly, this order is by no means out of character for him, but he is now ordering somebody to lose their virginity when they haven’t agreed to any of the terms and conditions of the relationship he is aiming to initiate when he explicitly said he wasn’t going to touch her again until the paperwork was signed because consent is important to him. Secondly, considering Ana’s virginity to be a ‘situation’ that he needs to ‘rectify’ is incredibly dismissive – surely Ana is able to recognise that any man referring to her virginity in this way is not going to treat her as well as somebody who cares enough about being her first sexual partner that they will want to look after her and ensure she enjoys herself.

Recently, in a melodramatic line I’m sure you remember, Christian said that he doesn’t make love, and yet he tells Ana that he is going to ‘“make love”’ to her now. She comments on this, saying, ‘“I thought you didn’t make love.”’ He supposes he can make an exception. If he can make an exception to this rule, what other rules can and will he make exceptions to in future? I’m curious what his idea of ‘making love’ entails given that so far he has treated the idea of Ana’s virginity with anger and the desire to fix it as quickly as possible.

Christian says that Ana’s ‘“training”’ can start tonight. Once again, I need to highlight that no paperwork has been signed and therefore no arrangement has been decided upon yet, so the idea that Christian is taking Ana’s virginity as part of her ‘training’ is really disturbing. He also says that ‘making love’ with her so that she loses her virginity is ‘“a means to an end.”’ Who wouldn’t love to have sex with somebody who has such disregard for their partner’s first time? Sign me up. Also, ‘“means to an end”’ brings us to cliché count: 17.

Ana’s thoughts in response to this proposal are ‘oh my… wishes do come true.’ I can’t even begin to communicate my distaste for this. Which part of what Christian has said thus far has been a wish come true? Just that he has agreed to have sex with her? I cannot fathom why she still wants to have sex with him, given everything she has seen and heard (the playroom, the contract and the utter disrespect he has had for her being a virgin), and given how she has responded to it along the way (fear, albeit less than is probably warranted, and referring to Christian as a monster). Even without his Dominant status, she is placing him in a dangerous position of power by being so incapable of resisting him.

Christian, murmuring again, says ‘“Please, Ana, let me make love to you.”’ This phrase is strange, because it depicts the act of Christian doing something to Ana, rather than the act of Christian and Ana doing something together. It is ‘let me make love to you’ and not ‘let us make love’. And yes, if he said the latter I would be criticising him for his formal language (‘can we make love’ might have been a better, less formal option, but it doesn’t carry the same parallelism with the original), but Christian’s apparent idea that love making is an act that a man performs on a woman is a very skewed way of thinking. This could be subtle characterisation of Christian and the way he sees sex, which would make sense given that usually sex for him involves a Dominant who performs acts on or directs a Submissive, but I find it hard to believe the depiction of Christian’s character could be nuanced like this when every other aspect of his character has been provided as a very obvious breadcrumb thus far.

When Ana agrees to Christian’s request, his smile is ‘triumphant’. There are many feelings a person could express when it is decided they are about to become another person’s first sexual partner – a person might feel humbled, or privileged, or excited – but triumphant? That’s an incredibly self-absorbed way for Christian to approach something that should be about Ana.

Ana, excited and nervous about the prospect of losing her virginity to the intimidating Christian Grey, still has time to provide a detailed explanation of the whites and pale blues, wood and wall art that decorate his bedroom.

Christian ‘removes his jacket’ on page 111 after having already done this on page 94; either Christian was wearing two jackets, or he likes to put his jacket back on when he moves between rooms and Ana didn’t think this was worth mentioning, or this is evidence of an error.

It is revealed Ana is attracted to naked feet as she describes in detail the process of Christian taking off his ‘Converse’ and socks.

Christian introduces the topic of protection in the line ‘“I assume you’re not on the pill.”’ When Ana’s shocked expression confirms his suspicion, he removes a packet of condoms from a nearby drawer. He then removes Ana’s jacket, but it isn’t stated where Christian puts the condoms. He either put the packet down and Ana deemed it unnecessary to narrate this action, which is unlikely given she likes to comment on Christian’s every superfluous movement, or he is still holding it in his hand as he takes off her jacket and while performing every action after that, or this is evidence of another error.

‘“Do you have any idea how much I want you, Ana Steele?”’ Christian asks, apparently so excited by the prospect of claiming Ana’s virginity that he forgets that his character quirk is to always call her Anastasia, even though she’s asked him not to. This could again be subtle characterisation – perhaps the idea of having sex with Ana has convinced Christian to start paying attention to her preferences? I am interested to take note of whether this change is a permanent one.

‘“Do you have any idea what I’m going to do to you?”’ Christian asks. This is a terrifying question to ask somebody who has never had sex before. No, she doesn’t have any idea what you’re going to do to her – maybe you should tell her so she can give you her full consent and can relax rather than being so nervous that you’re almost certainly going to hurt her, Christian?

He touches her, she moans, she touches him, he groans, she thinks about how ‘hot’ Christian is constantly, the word ‘backside’ is used repeatedly and the word ‘there’ is used instead of some synonym for vagina because Ana, and maybe E L James, can’t find one that doesn’t make her feel uncomfortable.

Ana is also wearing Converse and I’m wondering why this name drop is necessary. Can’t they just be shoes? Does knowing they are Converse add anything to the scene? Does E L James know any other shoe brands?

Christian undresses Ana and then tells her to show him how she ‘pleasures’ herself. ‘“Don’t be coy, Ana,”’ he continues, using her preferred name. I’d be impressed, but a few lines earlier he called her Anastasia again, so it’s mostly just inconsistency at this point.

‘“How do you make yourself come?”’ he asks. But, of course, sweet, innocent, bookworm-who-can’t-play-sports Ana has never made herself orgasm. Christian receives this information with disbelief. I don’t understand his tactic here. While understanding how a woman masturbates is a window to how to please her, I’m not sure why he thought making Ana, who is inexperienced and already nervous, feel more uncomfortable and anxious by suggesting she expose herself completely and without warning was in any way a good idea.

Christian tells Ana to keep still but she squirms beneath him. ‘“We’re going to have to work on keeping you still, baby,”’ he says. His use of the word ‘baby’ has almost no affection attached to it based on the context, making it sound awkward. The idea that he is trying to force her to be still before she has consented to any of the rules for their potential future Dominant/Submissive relationship makes me squeamish – she can react to you in any way she pleases at this point, Christian, as she hasn’t agreed to anything beyond being herself yet.

Christian plays with Ana’s nipples for a few moments and says ‘“Let’s see if we can make you come like this.”’ Actually, he doesn’t say it, he whispers it. He then proceeds to play with Ana’s breasts for two short paragraphs until Ana has her first ever orgasm. Christian looks satisfied while Ana looks at him with ‘gratitude and awe’. While it is possible for somebody to orgasm from this sort of attention, I find it hard to believe that Ana’s first orgasm, particularly when she is so nervous and in such a short space of time, was achieved in this way. But what do I know – maybe Christian is just outrageously talented.

He fingers her roughly and without warning. For somebody who has never experienced any sort of sexual contact, even from herself, this seems like a potentially painful and not particularly respectful introduction.

Upon first looking at Christian’s erection, Ana is immediately shocked by his ‘considerable length’ and worried that he’s not going to fit inside her. I can’t help but roll my eyes at this paragraph. These lines reek of the sort of praise designed solely to stroke a man’s ego, so I am wondering why E L James has deemed it necessary to include them. Perhaps they are supposed to further highlight how intimidated Ana feels in Christian’s presence, both mentally and physically.

‘Oh no… Will it? How?’ Ana thinks as she looks at Christian’s erection, presumably wondering if it will fit inside her. Christian tells Ana not to worry and says ‘“You expand, too.”’ I find it hard to believe that this concept is so foreign to Ana, even if she hasn’t had any sexual experiences. I also find this line altogether uncomfortable.

I’m still not sure where the packet has been all of this time, but Christian puts a condom on. I’m all for hearing about safe sex practices, but it seems like a strange detail to include. Condoms are renowned for their ability to put a dampener on the mood in real life, so in this fantastical world I thought an artistic choice to not pause in order to put on a condom would have been made.

We approach Ana’s first experience of penetrative sex. ‘“I’m going to smurf you now, Miss Steele,”’ Christian murmurs. As soon as he is about to have sex with her, he not only stops calling her by her preferred name, but stops using her first name at all. This strips the moment of all intimacy and does little to support Christian’s claim that he is ‘making love’ to Ana.

‘“Hard,”’ Christian adds (in a whisper, of course) before he ‘slams into [her]’. With little warning, this man has fully inserted his length into a girl who has never had sex before, who is nervous and who, supposedly, recently orgasmed. Her muscles would be tightly contracted for all three of these reasons, so to penetrate her so suddenly would have more than likely hurt her. This is an incredibly disrespectful and selfish action, and if it wasn’t already clear that Christian’s idea of ‘making love’ is incredibly flawed, it’s definitely clear now.

Christian gazes down at Ana, his eyes ‘bright with ecstatic triumph’. I have already mentioned how I feel about Christian’s expression of triumph in regards to conquering Ana’s virginity, so I won’t list my issues with this term again.

‘“You’re so tight,”’ Christian says. Even if this was a compliment, it’s a particularly crude one that continues to go against Christian’s statement that he is ‘making love’ to Ana; however, in context this line sounds more like Christian is acknowledging a challenge he must overcome. I would like to teach Christian something about the female anatomy that he obviously wasn’t taught in school. Ana feels particularly tight to you because: firstly, you did not help her relax enough when she is obviously still very nervous; secondly, you were too fast, hard and quick for her body to learn to accommodate you properly; and thirdly, you did not give her enough attention before slamming your penis into her.

Christian then asks, ‘“You okay?”’ I am less than impressed that Christian cared about how ‘tight’ Ana is before he cared about whether or not she is okay.

Ana, who felt a ‘pinching sensation’ when Christian first entered her, calls the feeling of him inside her ‘intrusive’. That’s not a term people use to describe a positive experience.

Christian calls Ana ‘baby’ again, and once more the context attaches no affection to the term.

It takes several more thrusts from Christian for Ana to finally say that she felt as though her body was ‘accepting’ him and that she ‘wants this’. I am disappointed, but not surprised, that there was a period of simply tolerating what was occurring before she began enjoying herself and she didn’t think to say anything aloud so that Christian could adjust his behaviour and hopefully improve her experience; then again, I’m not altogether sure he would have successful in his attempt, if he chose to try at all.

After all of this, Ana can’t stop thinking about how good sex feels. After what couldn’t be more than a couple of minutes, she orgasms again as Christian says, ‘“Come for me, Ana”’. Once again he uses her preferred name and I am still yet to find any reason why he does this sometimes. Christian orgasms almost simultaneously and ‘calls out [her] name’. I’m curious to know which version of her name he uses.

Ana winces as he withdraws. ‘“Did I hurt you?”’ Christian asks. We have been through this, Christian – I would be very surprised if your actions didn’t hurt her.

‘“Seriously, are you okay?”’ Christian asks. Ana doesn’t answer, instead spending a paragraph thinking about how amazed she is that her body is capable of orgasming. She then says that she would like to have more sex.

Christian looks relieved. He undoes Ana’s bra and removes his shirt. The fact that these items of clothing hadn’t already been removed could indicate a sense of desire so great that neither party felt like they had time to completely undress, but to not be naked for Ana’s first time could also suggest that Christian was rushing the process of taking Ana’s virginity so that he could fix this ‘situation’ as quickly as possible. Mutual nudity conveys the intimacy and trust that I associate with the phrase ‘making love’ so I consider this more evidence disputing Christian’s claim that he is ‘making love’ to Ana.

This is further emphasised by Christian asking, ‘“Do you want me to smurf you again?”’ Any attempt he was making to convince himself he was ‘making love’ to Ana rather than ‘smurfing’ her has apparently fallen by the wayside now.

‘“You are mine,”’ he whispers. ‘“Only mine. Don’t forget it.”’ No, Christian, she isn’t yours. She has no obligation to continue having sex with you if she doesn’t want to. In fact, she doesn’t even have to see you or talk to you again if she doesn’t want to. You are currently having sex, but you have no relationship, formalised via contract or otherwise. She doesn’t owe you anything.

Christian uses his thumb to finger Ana for a little while. Then, without warning, he puts his thumb in her mouth and tells her to see what she tastes like. Apparently perfectly content with this, Ana sucks ‘wildly’ on his thumb and can taste the ‘metallic tang of blood’. I know that’s my favourite.

Christian tells Ana that he wants to ‘“smurf her mouth”’ and that he soon will. The shock of this statement causes her to bite his thumb. I wonder if he is still keen to put other body parts in her mouth if she has so little control over her teeth.

Barely any time has passed since he last orgasmed, but apparently he’s ready to go again. He rips the foil off another condom but there’s no mention of him removing the one he has already used. As I said earlier, artistic license would have allowed E L James to not mention the condom use at all for the sake of allowing her readers to immerse themselves in the scene without it ruining the mood, but if you’re going to go to the trouble of mentioning any condom-related details, you need to include them all or else there are inconsistencies.

Christian promises to go slowly this time and I wonder why he chose not to do that the first time, when it was arguably more necessary. After a couple of ‘deliberately slow thrusts’, Ana is almost ready to orgasm again. For most women it takes more than a handful of thrusts to bring them this close to a third orgasm, so this seems somewhat unbelievable. I suppose this book is supposed to contain a woman’s fantasies however, and remembering this makes Ana’s ability to orgasm easily and frequently from penetrative sex a little easier to stomach.

‘“I want you sore, baby,”’ Christian murmurs. I think Ana and Christian have whispered and murmured more than they’ve actually said so far in this book. Christian then reiterates that Ana is his and that he wants her to remember this every time she moves tomorrow. This is yet another selfish act on Christian’s part, as it shows that he is more concerned with ensuring Ana believes she is his possession and that she is sore tomorrow than he is about her enjoying and having fond memories of her first time.

Christian tells her ‘“You. Are. Mine”’ yet again, in case Ana has already forgotten this apparent fact. He also calls her ‘“baby”’ again as he orders her to orgasm. This time he growls; it’s nice to see the variety I was asking for, I suppose, but I don’t know if growling is an improvement on whispering and murmuring.

Ana follows orders and orgasms again; Christian, once again, orgasms simultaneously. Within the space of a few minutes, apparently Christian ejaculates twice. It would take a serious willingness to suspend disbelief for me to accept this. While it is possible for some men to have multiple orgasms over a short period of time, ejaculating twice within a few minutes is incredibly unlikely; however, I must, once again, remember that this book was written to be a woman’s fantasy, so of course Christian can defy the rules of the typical male anatomy.

After he withdraws a second time and rolls onto ‘his side of the bed’ – I’m not sure what this means, because the entire bed belongs to him – Ana immediately falls asleep.

Ana wakes up sore but seems to be pleased about it. She hears a piano being played and recognises the melody as Bach. ‘I think,’ she adds. I am failing to understand the relevance of Ana guessing who composed the piece.

Ana leaves the bedroom and finds Christian at the piano. He notices her and stops playing. She says sorry for disturbing him. ‘“Surely, I should be saying that to you,”’ Christian replies. He seems to be feeling some of the remorse that he should have been experiencing earlier but he doesn’t specify what he is sorry for. Perhaps this is because he has too much to be sorry for.

Apparently Ana really is fascinated by the composer of the piece, because she is so curious about whether she was correct in saying Bach that she asks Christian. I am still failing to understand the relevance of the seemingly disproportionate focus on this information. For anyone who is interested, she was half correct – the original piece was not Bach’s, but he transcribed it.

They return to the bedroom and notice blood on the sheets. ‘Evidence of my lost virginity,’ Ana calls the stain. Allow me to take a moment to explain the concept of the hymen to Ana: It is not necessary for a hymen to ‘break’ when a woman loses her virginity. Over time, through age and activity, a hymen is supposed to stretch. This activity includes things like sex and masturbation, which we know Ana had not experienced until this point, but also things like tampon use, riding a bicycle and just general contact with the area. Even if her hymen was fully intact when Christian had sex with her for the first time, it was not necessary to ‘break’ her hymen and make her bleed; if she had been treated more gently, her hymen could have simply stretched. Minor bleeding can occur for a lot of reasons during sex, even years after a woman’s first time, but for Ana to have bled enough to stain the sheets and to then blame it on her loss of virginity as though this is a necessary part of the process is propagating inaccuracies.

Ana attempts to touch Christian’s bare chest but he doesn’t allow her to, instead ordering her to go back to bed. Ana is apparently going to be a perfect Submissive because she immediately does as she is told.

As the chapter ends, Christian reverts back to his norm of calling Ana ‘Anastasia’ and she contemplates her recently acquired knowledge that Christian has ‘a sad side’.

uuuuuuuuuuuuugh

Yeah, this is uncomfortable. Does she not remember her first time? I know some girls don't have pain (I did, a little) but as rough as that was, Ana should be in tears, not enjoying herself.

Also, mutual orgasm is really kind of difficult. Of COURSE they achieve it the very first time they have sex.

Twice. Within a few minutes. What the?

I haven't caught up yet, I'm about to read your review of Chapter 6, but so far I have a few comments.

Ana has so little agency that she brings shame to the genuine submissives that exist in the BDSM community. If the millions of people who have read this book genuinely think that this is how a true dominant/submissive relationship works, then I am appalled.

I am happy to hear you say this.

Also, is it just me or does Ana act like a teenager? She seriously gives me the vibe of a teenager. Did I miss where you mentioned her age? I think you said she's off in the working world at one point so I think she's not still in school, but I could have just not read properly.

I added explicit content for, well, the explicit content.

I am caught up now. The loss of virginity scene was uncomfortable. Just


very uncmfortable

After reading this thread, I am way more excited about the movie. I'm going to need a lot of alcohol.

According to people who have seen it it's an In Name Only adaptation.

What does that mean?

Yes, what on earth does that mean? xD

It means they stripped out all the bdsm and other subtext from the film. Which might be an improvement in a lot of ways given how much the books get wrong but it has unfortunate implications of its own.

isn't that

what the book is entirely based on

how is this going to work

But isn't that like the subject of the book? Even if the get it wrong?

I have absolutely no idea. It's just going to be a typical romance film apparently.

I um




okay

That's even worse. They're capitalizing on the gross popularity of this warped novel to rake in cash. Stupid, stupid.

Well that is disappointing.

But I guess porn doesn't go to movie theaters anyway, so it isn't surprising.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by shion

Also, is it just me or does Ana act like a teenager? She seriously gives me the vibe of a teenager. Did I miss where you mentioned her age? I think you said she's off in the working world at one point so I think she's not still in school, but I could have just not read properly.

---

I might not have mentioned it; the review was sort of supposed to be a supplement to the text rather than being people's first experience of it. If I knew so many people were going to read it who haven't read the original, I might have including a bit more retelling of the original story. Ana is 21, so as young as she possibly can be while still being legally able to do the things she is doing in America (the drinking and whatnot). She ages throughout the three books.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Shorty

I added explicit content for, well, the explicit content.

---

Thanks a bunch. Kind of forgot that people could come in this thread expecting anything other than explicit content.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by The Man

It means they stripped out all the bdsm and other subtext from the film. Which might be an improvement in a lot of ways given how much the books get wrong but it has unfortunate implications of its own.

---

So basically they are going to take a fanfiction of Twilight that added sex scenes, and remove the sex scenes to remake Twilight? But more boring because there are no vampires? That is such an obvious name grab for the sake of making a profit.

Well, I didn't realize you would be do descriptive in your commentary xD

Sorry for being more explicit than you were expecting. It was hard to adequately convey my outrage without stealing direct quotes from the text. If you need me to spoiler anything inside the chapter a second time to make it doubly covered or remove bits for this platform or whatnot let me know.

Nah, the tags have been added. I think it's fine.

Excellent :jess:

o h g o d



I feel sick. That was just wrong on so many levels. What a abusive asshole, then again Ana isn't the sharpest tool, though he's still a giant twat for just using and abusing her for sex.


Though the biggest twat is the author for creating this and manipulating it to try and make it sound romantic.

i'm curious to see how that movie turns out.

If this review doesn't end with video tape footage of you setting the book on fire I'm going to be very disappointed.

I'm usually against book burning. Not this time. Not this book.

This book is trash and deserves to be treated like trash.

wheres the next chapter im dying over here

There are five pages of discussion regarding what is literally Twilight BDSM fanfiction with some names changed.

Attachment 53270

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Parker

wheres the next chapter im dying over here

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I'm working on it, but I've had a lot due this week and I have to work the next four days. But it's coming, I promise.

And ladies were absolutely lapping this trout up. Urgh.

As someone with a semi-interest in some areas of BDSM (some, not all!) I am totally disgusted at the representation of it in this book. I have never read this, but I always just assumed that it was a very mutton dressed as lamb style literature. In that, a few spanks and a few handcuffs do NOT cover the broad spectrum of BDSM, nor the interesting one.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AlaynaMae

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Parker

wheres the next chapter im dying over here

---

I'm working on it, but I've had a lot due this week and I have to work the next four days. But it's coming, I promise.

---

Just like Ana, zing~!

I be lookin at vanilla BDSM like

http://media.tumblr.com/303a59f663dc...15E1qz4rgp.jpg

I'm sorry for the delay. I've been really busy with uni and other writing, and then I got sick. It's not easy to write and edit 2,000-4,000 words when there's so much else on my to do list! But here is the next chapter!

Chapter Nine - extremely explicit and NSFW

Ana wakes and watches Christian sleep for a while, commenting on every inch of his appearance. She wonders how someone could be this attractive and ‘still be legal’. She then wonders, based on his playroom, if he is legal. While his playroom is completely legal, Ana, there is enough evidence in how he has treated you so far to suggest that he might not use it in entirely legal, consensual ways.

Ana comments on how she is tempted to reach out and touch Christian, but she doesn’t want to wake him because it’s easier when he’s asleep – she doesn’t have to worry about what he is saying or her saying something wrong. I’m not sure how Ana envisions an ongoing relationship with Christian if she is constantly on edge during their conversations.

Deciding that she has ‘bathroom needs’ to attend to, Ana gets out of bed. On her way to the bathroom, she becomes a walking stereotype and puts on Christian’s shirt. I wonder if Christian would disapprove of somebody else wearing his property without his permission – it seems like the sort of thing he would dislike.

Ana suddenly remembers that she was supposed to text Kate. This is a plan Ana didn’t mention out loud in her narration, but it may have been organised while Kate was forcibly shaving every inch of Ana’s body. Ana is worried because her forgetting to text means she’s going to be ‘in trouble’. As much as she doesn’t act like one, she’s an adult, and I’m confused as to why her spending a planned night at Christian’s apartment without a text is enough to make her roommate, and friend, angry at her.

Ana compares Christian’s walk-in robe and bathroom to her bedroom, saying the former is the same size and the latter is larger. I’m not sure why this unit of measurement is useful to the reader. Ana could be referring to her current bedroom, the one she is moving into with Kate soon or even the one that was deemed hers in Christian’s apartment. Regardless of which room she is actually referring to, the reader hasn’t been told how large any of these rooms are, so using her bedroom as a unit of measurement doesn’t provide any sense of space.

For the first time, I agree with Ana’s subconscious, who has just appeared with pursed lips and a tapping foot. Her use of the term ‘kinky sex slave’ is questionable, but her acknowledgement that Ana probably should have given more thought to her situation before losing her virginity to Christian is definitely something I can agree with.

Ana once again hopes she’ll find hair ties in her purse. You’d think after the last time she found herself waking up with Christian and untamed hair, she would have remembered to keep a hair tie on her wrist, or at least keep her purse within closer reach.

Checking her phone, Ana sees that she has three text messages from Kate. The first asks if she is okay in what I am assuming is supposed to be ‘text speak’ – ‘RU OK Ana’. There’s a strange change from serif to sans serif font in order to denote this, which seems unnecessary. The second text – ‘Where RU Ana’ – seems redundant; Ana already told Kate at their apartment that Christian was picking her up and taking her to Seattle for the night. Since Kate already guessed that this meant Ana and Christian would be having sex, doesn’t it make sense that Ana was too busy to reply to these messages? The third message – ‘Damn it Ana’ – is incredibly aggressive given the context. Ana seems to be surrounded by people desperate to control her.

Ana calls Kate and, when she doesn’t answer, grovels over message bank. The level of submissiveness built into Ana’s personality concerns me, because it’s going to make it difficult for her to avoid being forced into a situation that makes her uncomfortable when and if (well, let’s face it - when) she continues this relationship with Christian. Consent already seems questionable at this point and I’m worried to see how much her seeming inability to say no – for example, when she agreed to doing this interview in the first place when she was supposed to be studying for exams – is going to contribute to the 50 shades of grey-area sexual assault in this book.

The line, ‘none of the cupboards has handles’ is another example of how this book needed more editing attention than it received.

Even though Christian did claim he was going to ‘make love’ to Ana, everyone with eyes knows that didn’t actually occur. Even Ana’s subconscious corrects Ana – ‘smurfing – not lovemaking’ she screams at Ana ‘like a harpy’. Agreeing with Ana’s subconscious twice so far this chapter is causing a bit of an identity crisis in me. Ana’s subconscious is right in thinking the distinction is important though, as Ana is struggling with the idea of losing her virginity to somebody who doesn’t love her; Christian claiming he was going to ‘make love’ to Ana when both his feelings and actions didn’t reflect that is incredibly misleading for her.

Ana has apparently always considered herself a misfit because she doesn’t belong anywhere, and the feeling of not fitting in is something almost all people can empathise with. It is evident that Ana’s character was created so that many women could easily relate to her. This fact is concerning, as it means readers are actively placing themselves within the abusive scenarios depicted in this book through their minds’ eye and are then actively being told that those scenarios are romantic, arousing and ideal.

Ana has taken to referring to Christian as Bluebeard. The fact that she can draw those parallels but is still contemplating continuing a relationship with him and is still aroused by his behaviour is worrying. There has been ample evidence to suggest that she feels her safety is at risk around him, and yet she is still in his apartment and is still contemplating pursuing this relationship with him.
She places her hair in pigtails, hoping that looking more ‘girly’ would halt Bluebeard’s advances but Christian simply tells her he loves them and says ‘“They won’t protect you.”’ That’s a terribly frightening thing to hear, but Ana apparently doesn’t notice or care. In fact, she turns back to making breakfast and smiles.

Christian asks if Ana would like some tea. ‘“Yes, please. If you have some,”’ she replies. Why on earth would he bother offering you tea if he doesn’t have any? In fact he has her favourite brand of tea. Of course he does.

Christian has taken to calling Ana ‘Miss Steele’ again and saying vague things; Ana has taken to calling him ‘Mr Grey’ again and finding his vague statements much more confusing than they really are.

At the mention of sex, Ana’s insides clench and she has to suppress a groan. Apparently she can nearly orgasm simply from Christian asking how sore she is and suggesting they continue her ‘basic training’. Christian questioning how sore she is doesn’t sound like concern; instead it sounds like he’s trying to determine how proud of himself he should be.

Ana wonders if ‘basic training’ will include oral sex, as she remembers his words, ‘I want to smurf your mouth’. But then, as soon as Christian specifies his intention to focus on oral skills, she is so surprised that she chokes on her tea. Why did that shock you, Ana?

Obviously there is some backstory involving Christian and his relationship with food because the narrative has focused an unnecessary amount on his issues with wasted food and with Ana never having the appetite to finish her meals. There is foreshadowing and then there is overkill.

Kate returns Ana’s call. She presses Ana for details about what happened the previous night. Ana doesn’t want to talk about it because: firstly, Christian is in the room with her; secondly, she has signed a non-disclosure agreement; and thirdly, she is the most awkward human being to ever exist. Ana suggests that she can’t talk but Kate is terrible at taking a hint, continuing to ask personal questions about the events of the previous night, including ‘Was he gentle?’ I can understand why Ana doesn’t want to answer that particular question – heaven forbid somebody point out to her that his lack of gentleness demonstrates a lack of care for her wellbeing.

Ana thinks this is going to be ‘a difficult square to circle’. Cliché count: 18.

Ana provides a friendly reminder that Kate is tenacious.

Ana is certain Kate will ‘freak’ when and if she hears about what has happened. ‘And rightly so,’ Ana adds. If Ana thinks Kate is so right in disapproving, why is Ana still in Christian’s apartment? Get out. Go home. What are you doing?

Christian is angry when Ana asks if the non-disclosure agreement covers everything. She wants to talk to Kate about the ‘mechanics’ of sex but he simply says, ‘“You can ask me.”’ You’ve demonstrated that you know very little about how the female anatomy works, Christian, so maybe you should let Ana talk to a girl about these things. Or are you scared she’ll figure out how poorly you’ve treated her and gain enough self-respect to leave you?

Christian claims his main reasoning for not wanting Ana to talk to Kate about sex is because Kate is ‘“making the beast with two backs with [his] brother”’. Cliché count: 19.

Christian asks Ana how the previous night was for her. ‘“Good,”’ she replies. You don’t have to lie to make him feel better, Ana.

‘The bath is a white stone, deep, egg-shaped affair, very designer’ is an annoying sentence: firstly, because I don’t care about the materials used to make Christian’s bath; and secondly because it is poorly punctuated.

If you were curious, Christian’s bathroom walls are tiled and Ana deemed this noteworthy.

The bath was scented with jasmine. I knew that this scent was ‘sweet’ but I have never heard it described as ‘sultry’.

If I hear Christian tell Ana to stop biting her lip because it makes him horny one more time I may have to put down this book and never open it again.

‘“Get the picture?”’ Christian says, using the prospect of having more sex with Ana while she is sore from the previous night as a threat. This man is so kind. Total boyfriend material.

Christian undresses Ana in preparation for the bath that he has decided they are having together. He stares at her naked body for a while as she stands and awkwardly looks at her hands. It might be nice if he was gazing at her because he adored her body, but even though he calls her ‘beautiful’ I can’t help feeling like he is looking at her like she is a piece of meat.

Getting into the bath causes Ana to experience unexpected ‘smarting pain’. I’m curious where she is experiencing this pain and why she seems to think that is acceptable.

When Christian starts massaging Ana’s breasts in the bath, he is ‘taking no prisoners’. I’m not even sure what this is supposed to mean, but cliché count: 20.

Christian touches Ana a little and her body threatens to have another orgasm. He tells her to ‘“feel it, baby”’ and ‘“feel it for [him].”’ This dialogue sounds like it is out of a poorly-written pornographic movie. Christian stops touching her just before she can find her release, telling her he ‘“needs washing too”’.

Ana turns around to do as she was told and sees Christian lying back in the bath with his hand wrapped around his erection. I thought I had seen some pretty unrealistic dialogue, but what Christian says next is so ridiculous that I have to quote it word for word. ‘“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite [sic] and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this,”’ he says. I would not be able to listen to a man say this to me and manage to keep a straight face. Also, ‘on first name terms’ brings us to cliché count: 21.

Ana looks at Christian’s penis. ‘It’s so big and growing’ our genius protagonist thinks. ‘That was inside me! It doesn’t seem possible,’ her thoughts continue. I’m curious how big Christian genuinely is, given Ana doesn’t have anyone to compare his length to. I’m also curious why it’s so important to for Christian to have an impossibly large penis and that everybody knows about it.

Christian starts teaching Ana how to manually stimulate him. ‘“That’s right, baby,”’ he says. The word ‘baby’ still makes me feel uncomfortable every time he uses it.

Ana decides to show some unusual initiative and leans forward to give Christian’s erection some oral attention. It was stated that his erection is above the water line, which allows her to do this without needing gills. If this is the case, either there is an absurdly small amount of water in the tub or his penis is absurdly long.

Ana comments on how ‘surprisingly tasty’ Christian is. Once again this reeks of the sort of compliment a male author would ensure was included in his writing, like the comments on Christian’s length and on how good he is at sex. Ana internally complained at many points (although, in my opinion, still not enough) as she lost her virginity, but when Christian asked how it was for her she simply said it was ‘good’. This book is attempting to teach women that they should always compliment their man when they are being intimate, even if the compliments are undeserved, and I don’t understand why.

Christian closes his eyes. He opens them. He closes them again. He opens them again.

Of course Ana has no gag reflex – what fantastical sex slave has a normal, functioning gag reflex?

Ana refers to Christian’s penis as her ‘very own Christian Grey-flavored [sic] popsicle’ and that helps me remember that I am not a fantastical sex slave and that I do, in fact, have a gag reflex.

Christian tells Ana that he is going to come in her mouth and that, if she doesn’t want him to, she should stop. He thrusts once more and orgasms, barely giving her the time to make that decision even if she wanted to. Her immediate thought upon him ejaculating into her mouth is ‘Ugh… I’m not sure about this,’ but then she looks at Christian and he seems happy, so she decides she’s okay with swallowing.

Christian is so surprised by Ana’s apparent oral skills that he asks if she’s ‘done that before’. When she denies it, he says ‘“Good”’. This obsession with Ana’s purity, reflected in his triumphant expression upon conquering her virginity, reiterates how selfish Christian is and how little concern he has for Ana’s wellbeing, regardless of what he is saying. His actions do not match his words.

Upon getting out of the bath, Christian pleads with Ana for her to say yes to their ‘arrangement’. ‘“Please, Ana,”’ Christian says. His use of her preferred name would be a much more effective writing technique in this dialogue if it was not something he was already using intermittently and for no discernible reason.

Ana doesn’t say anything – yes, no or otherwise – but Christian seems to be encouraged regardless. He asks if Ana trusts him and she nods in agreement. What has this man done to earn your trust, Ana? Trusting people when they have treated you the way Christian has is going to get you in all sorts of trouble.

The pair returns to the bedroom. Christian walks to the closet and returns with a silk necktie. Guess what colour the necktie is. Go, on – guess. Yes, you are correct – it is grey; ‘silver-gray [sic]’ to be precise.

Christian uses the necktie to bind Ana’s hands together; he doesn’t ask her for permission first. He comments on her pigtails again, saying they make her look ‘so young’. The context makes it sound like quite a creepy compliment; she’s barely a legal adult as it is, so how young does he want her to look?

It’s not out of character for Christian to order Ana around as though she has already agreed to be his Submissive, but it frustrates me that he has tied her up and is telling her to keep her hands above her head without her having consented to any of this, particularly when Christian stated earlier that consent is important to him. Any Dominant who truly cares for and respects their Submissive would never practice BDSM, even as light as binding wrists with a necktie, when limits haven’t been discussed and agreed upon. Out-of-the-blue sexual activity is definitely not uncommon in relationships with this dynamic, but the keyword is relationship; these sorts of encounters occur between people with established relationships where the conversation about consent and limits has already occurred. If Christian cared as much about consent as he claimed to earlier, these events would definitely not be transpiring. For somebody who claimed he wasn’t going to touch Ana at all unless a contract was signed, he has definitely gone beyond that now.

Initially Ana agrees to keeping her hands tied above her head, but soon after Christian begins kissing her, she moves them to his hair. He immediately disapproves of this action and orders her again to keep her hands above her head. ‘“I want to touch you,”’ she says, disagreeing. ‘“I know,”’ he says before repeating his order. This is perfectly acceptable behaviour if it is in an established relationship where terms and preferences have been discussed and agreed upon, but this is not the case with Ana and Christian. I am appalled at Christian – he is doing whatever he wants with no regard for what Ana wants. Christian stated earlier that his recent sex with Ana was his first experience of ‘vanilla sex’ in his life, so I recognise that treating sexual partners as equals is not in Christian’s repertoire, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that he is forcing somebody to follow his orders when they have not agreed to have that sort of relationship with him. If that is the only sort of sex he is interested in having and she has not agreed to doing that with him, his immediate response should be to not have sex with her; perhaps long term this would mean more conversations until she is comfortable with the idea or choosing to not have a relationship at all, but neither of those options includes having non-consensual BDSM sex.

Ana dismisses Christian’s obvious disregard for what she wants with such thoughts as ‘Oh, he’s such a tease’ and ‘Oh… he’s so frustrating,’ and this attitude concerns me almost as much as Christian’s does. Yes, this could be a sign that she is enjoying herself and is giving non-verbal consent, but Christian behaviour still conflicts with his suggestion that consent and Ana’s wishes are very important to him; regardless of whether she feels like she is non-verbally consenting, Christian should know better than to behave like this without a verbal and enthusiastic ‘yes’.

Christian starts licking Ana’s feet and she finds it impossible to watch him anymore because ‘it’s too erotic’.

‘“All good things, Miss Steele,”’ Christian says, delivering half a cliché. Cliché count: 21.5.

Christian moves to reciprocate the oral sex he received earlier, and part of Ana wants to ‘push him off because [she’s] mortified and embarrassed’. That’s not the response she should have to an experience she is enjoying. Thankfully part of her is also ‘glorying in the anticipation’. I will give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that her trepidation is merely based in nerves; however, I will also say that if she is nervous and feeling exposed, a man who cared about her would be considering those factors and would want to make her feel comfortable, which Christian is not doing.

Ana has now expanded her vagina vocabulary to include ‘my sex’ as a variant on her overused ‘there’.

Christian compliments how Ana smells. He has complimented her for her scent an undue number of times over the last few pages. He’s not very original.

‘“Perhaps we’ll keep this,”’ Christian says, referring to Ana’s pubic hair. I really don’t think you have a say what Ana does with her pubic hair, Christian, particularly with your contract still lying unsigned on your desk.

Ana uses the word ‘clitoris’ and I die from shock at her apparent realisation that names exist for her vagina and the surrounding area, and she doesn’t have to refer to that entire region of her body as ‘there’ all the time.

Apparently Ana moans, ‘“Aargh!”’ Simply stating that ‘Ana moans’ would have sufficed; I really don’t think the sound effect was necessary. In fact, that sounds sort of painful.

Ana has forgotten the word ‘clitoris’ again, now using the phrase ‘small, potent powerhouse at the apex of [her] thighs’ to refer to the region Christian is licking.

Ana’s climax renders everything ‘null and void’. Cliché count: 22.5.

After Ana orgasms, Christian finds a condom and eases into her. He is actually gentle and asks ‘“How’s this?”’ Where was this apparent concern when he decided to forcefully take Ana’s virginity?

Christian has sex with Ana for a paragraph, Ana orgasms again because apparently Christian is so godlike that a snap of his fingers would be enough to send her over the edge, and he orgasms simultaneously. Christian has now orgasmed four times in two days, three of those simultaneously with Ana. I didn’t think this book could become more unrealistic, but obviously it can.

Christian collapses on top of Ana and she holds him with her tied hands, realising in this moment that she would do anything for him. ‘I am his,’ she thinks. Apparently you can treat a girl as poorly as you like, but if you give her a few orgasms she will happily be your possession.

‘I wonder that [sic] he’s introduced me to,’ Ana thinks, reminding the reader once again that this book needed another visit to the editor before it went to print.

Christian tells Ana to ‘“see how good [they] are together”’. He is still trying to convince her to sign his contract. There is something distasteful in his act of making Ana orgasm and then attempting to use her post-orgasm high to coerce her into saying yes. Once again, she doesn’t respond, instead looking up at him and ‘grasping for a coherent thought’.

Suddenly there are voices outside the bedroom door. One belongs to Taylor and the other to a Mrs. Grey. ‘“trout! It’s my mother,”’ Christian says. I’m sure you’re as excited as I am to see how awkward the interaction between Ana, Christian and Christian’s mother is going to be.

Hahhaaaa oh gosh


He's a momma's boy

http://media.tumblr.com/6009004e1e2b...58R1qz4rgp.gif

What was 'favorite' [sic]'d? The spelling? This is an American novel. xD

Baby is a horrible, horrible pet name and should never be used. Unless you're talking to your child.

It's sic'd because my review is not American, so stylistic variation from my own writing is highlighted.

Ah, makes sense. I thought you were just pointing out spelling differences, which seemed rather silly. :p

This book is seriously disturbing. Like, I don't understand why women are getting so turned on by this.

I study English literature, and the academic who takes it has the stylistic preference that American spelling be sic'd and that if it isn't she will mark us incorrectly for using American spelling. She's published in journals and whatnot, so I'm assuming that way of doing it is widely accepted, but it's a pretty easy fix if she's taught me wrong.

I obviously agree that this book is terribly disturbing. It's just getting worse as it goes along. I've skimmed ahead and Chapter Eleven is entirely to do with the contract - we revisit the rules and limits from earlier and add a bunch of other legal crap. I don't understand why there are so many women addicted to this and a whole line of apparel for sale with 50 Shades branding that's doing so well. These people are insane. They mustn't know that they internet exists and that they could read better smut for free.

No, no! I wasn't really critiquing. Your reasoning makes perfect sense. But before you explained, I thought you were just nit-picking the American spelling. :P Although, apparently EL James is British, so...?

THERE'S A CLOTHING LINE WHAT

Also, I'm reading the plot synopsis for the two sequels, and apparently Christian and Ana get married. This is for real supposed to be a ~love story~

What, she's British? -Googles-

Yes, she is apparently British. The first edition published apparently had British spelling and yet for some weird reason we had the American edition in Australia? :-/

There's a lingerie line and some other adult products. They sell all sorts of things like blindfolds, ben wa balls and other light BDSM paraphernalia. It's all stupidly more expensive than anything comparable just because of the 50 Shades tag and all of the products are in shades of grey. No, seriously. They basically look like the book covers with all that black and grey and white and more grey. I've made it a personal rule to never ever buy anything with a 50 Shades brand attached.

Yes they get married and (SPOILER)have kids. :mad: There's the whole "You can fix a man if you persevere!" thead all the way through and it's a disgusting thing to be teaching women.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AlaynaMae

These people are insane.

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Yeah it goes with the idea that just because it's popular doesn't mean that it's good or right.


I think alot of us get caught into thinking that it's the main opinion, so we must follow.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AlaynaMae

There's the whole "You can fix a man if you persevere!" thead all the way through and it's a disgusting thing to be teaching women.

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http://24.media.tumblr.com/19292f0bd...vu7ho1_500.gif

So he's a bit of a fixer upper, but this we're certain of
You can fix this fixer upper with a little bit of love

Oh god, I had so many issues with Frozen and that song was #1. I liveblogged the experience of watching Frozen for the first time and said:

Quote:

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Can we not teach young girls that you can “fix this fixer-upper with a little bit of love”?

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Quote:

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And let’s not teach guys that an engagement is something to be “fixed”?

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Quote:

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Oh, you’re not saying that you can change people, because people don’t really change? Awesome, that’s excellent, I’m really glad you clarif-

Oh. But you’re still going on about this fixer-upper bulltrout and you basically just said that it’s alright if people are a bit different when they’re angry and stuff. Hmm. Well, you almost fixed the damage you caused. Almost.

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So yes, that is a perfect parallel and thank you very much for drawing it.

Mr. Grey makes me think of the alien in Dreamcatcher (the book, the movie was awful) so now I'm picturing Christian as Mr. Grey.


Gotta say, it's making the book a bit more interesting.

Well I'm glad you've found something to make the book more interesting for you shion, because the source material isn't exactly fascinating.

I've decided that if this drivel can be so lucrative I need to get in on this action. brb smut writing.

BLUEBEARD

ARE YOU smurfING KIDDING ME

FEET LICKING god in heaven

also kc: my sister wrote smut as a silly pastime once and a magazine sought her out and paid her $200 to publish it! People eat that filth up xD

She got ripped off. Surely her smut was worth more than that.

First time publisher for the genre. They thought they could take advantage of her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Shorty

BLUEBEARD

ARE YOU smurfING KIDDING ME

FEET LICKING god in heaven

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Now you see why it took a week to write this chapter up. I had to keep taking vomit breaks.

I am happy to see you didn't choke to death.

Not quite.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AlaynaMae

Oh god, I had so many issues with Frozen and that song was #1. I liveblogged the experience of watching Frozen for the first time and said:

Quote:

---

Can we not teach young girls that you can “fix this fixer-upper with a little bit of love”?

---

Quote:

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And let’s not teach guys that an engagement is something to be “fixed”?

---

Quote:

---

Oh, you’re not saying that you can change people, because people don’t really change? Awesome, that’s excellent, I’m really glad you clarif-

Oh. But you’re still going on about this fixer-upper bulltrout and you basically just said that it’s alright if people are a bit different when they’re angry and stuff. Hmm. Well, you almost fixed the damage you caused. Almost.

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So yes, that is a perfect parallel and thank you very much for drawing it.

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I love you <3

Frozen was a decent movie, and then

that

song

Hans x Anna all the way, i don't give a trout.

I just submitted this concept as a proposal to a publishing company. If they show any interest, this thread might have to disappear so that the work still appears unpublished and they are still eligible for first publishing rights. If this happens, I'm still happy to update anybody who is interested with chapters as I write them - it will just have to be in a less publicly-accessible way.

But I'm getting ahead of myself - I will find out if they are interested some time between now and the end of May. Until then this thread will be functioning as normal!

Good luck :monster: