I just had my first professional massage. I did not quite know what to expect - I opted for "neck, shoulders and back" because they are traditionally the parts of my body that get most sore and I expect they could do with a good rub down. So I got told to put on some weird not-quite-underwear and a robe. I got my feet washed in water with petals in it as I made my decisions. "Light, Medium or Deep?" the survey asked. I looked up cluelessly. I don't know, I said with my eyes and vocal chords in equal measure. A girl came along and pointed at "Medium" after I told her I've never had a massage.
I'd call her a bitch but she was most certainly not . Everyone in our resort in Thailand is pretty much the most fantastic person in the world, so insanely nice that I swear they surpass even RSL, Levian and Resha. These are the nicest people I have probably met in the world. I love them. I do not, however, appreciate the choice of 'Medium' because I am - as it turns out - a complete pansy. Well, not completely. I gritted my teeth and did not say 'ow' or 'grrr' at any point. I winced, but they could not see me. They poked their fingers into my body just about enough that I felt they weren't going to pierce my skin as I lay face down staring at a pool of flowers for a good 40 or so minutes.
Not only that, but they started with my feet - odd, as I'd opted for neck, shoulders and back, which I quickly pointed out and they quickly reassured me. It'll be fine, you silly chocobo, they did not say. But they said made assurances on some level regardless. This level was enough for me to not want to offend the nicest people in the world in any way, so I did not offend them and lay back down quickly. They immediately grabbed my feet again. Right. Okay. I can handle this. Will they touch my bum? Oh, yes, they certainly will. I haven't had my bum grabbed by a girl that wasn't Danielle for far too long (as much as I dislike anyone feeling my bum, it is still a strangely effective confidence booster when being done by the right lady), but this was not the way in which I expected it to happen. Thankfully it was not for too long before they did indeed reach my back, neck and shoulders, where they remained for some time.
Eventually I was mounted. I was okay with this. Danielle, after I mentioned it being my first time afterwards, was all "I should have warned you that they get on top of you!" and I did not see the bad thing about this. I have heard of this happening. I was okay. But then they were not sitting on me but they were on me to quite some degree, and I felt their hair a bit on my back for a moment and I could hear the lady breathing heavily as she aligned all of her inner strength into various jabbery, focusing on my shoulder blades at the time in a bizarre method which was simultaneously painful and ticklish. I owed in my head, I stiffled my laughs - although one half-giggle at some point which was seemingly ignored. This caveman would not let down his tribe, no sir.
But eventually the straddling and the long hair brushing my back and the lady's heavy breathing had me thinking. "Wait... what's that thing I heard about happy endings and Thailand and all that in those stories? Danielle is about three meters to my right. This is not going to happen, surely." I had about one second's panic before realising that was the most absurd thought I had ever had, but it didn't stop me from thinking about this rumoured 'thing' that some masseuses have been known to do. I wondered if there were signals that some men would give. Maybe the tent in their absurd provided underpants. Maybe a wink. I hoped I wasn't giving off any of the wrong signals! Thankfully I do not get turned on by having fingers driven into my knee joints and beneath my shoulder blades. No awkward moment for me. Well, aside from the entire massage.
So, today I discovered that massages are not my 'thing' and if I am ever to be wrangled into a massage again, I should opt for 'Light' out of fear of death. Do you like massages?
