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2000 posts seems highly ideal. *cough* I mean, uh, yeah. I'm not a spammer.
'xoden made me do it.
*doesn't spam by adding the following on*
I have a girlfriend, and my test was kew, and stuff, and everyone failed but about four people, and stuff, and things, and yeah. My Mum comes back soon.
Oooh, now THERE'S a reasonable excuse for a thread... >=D
Dear diary,
I don't write here nearly enough. Things have been getting pretty troutty everywhere for me, except here at EoFF. This is the only place I can go without everyone trying to piss each other off and fighting over absolutely nothing.
It all started on Monday. I heard that some people at school were going to do something really nasty to a good friend of mine, so naturally, I warned her of it. She's a friend, I wouldn't want to see her get hurt. This really upset her and she spent the rest of the day crying. Anyway, she went and had a go at the people who were planning to do the afore-mentioned deed and said that I told her about it. This REALLY pissed them off. They verbally assaulted me in front of my friends just because I cared about someone else. What really suprised me was that one of the people who had a go at me was someone who I never thought could be this cold. Anyway, things have just been escalating at school, everything is becoming far morer tense and I can't wait to get the hell out of there...
So far I've got one conditional offer from Sheffield University, though I'll never get the grades I need, been rejecterd by 4 other universities and am still awaiting for an answer from a 6th... I know I'm not gonna make it into university now, I'm probably gonna end up going to a tertiary college now... I feel so useless, I've screwed up all my dreams now, I don'[t see anything that can help me...
I really miss Michelle. She hasn't been in school for a week now, apparantly she's ill. Everything has beren so troutty without her, I just want to be able to see her, if only one more time. Without her, everything seems so pointless to me. I've talked to her a few times on MSN, but that's about it. I want to be able to hold her, to touch her, to kiss her, but I know these things shall never be mine. Why does everything have to be so goddamn troutty for me now? Sod's bloody law I guess... someone's gotta get the troutty end of the stick...
THe stupidest thing is I know my problems are trivial when you compare them to those of so many other people, but still, i feel like I'm the only one having problems, yet that's obviously irrational.
I had a dream a couple of days ago, not a bad dream, hell, a bloody great dream. I'd met someone and wee were in love. We could never get enouigh of each other, we weree always holding hands with each other or hugging each other... then I woke up and looked at my life, and I just thought "trout, what the hell am I doing? That's never gonna happen. Just look at all the crap I'm going through now..."
I started smoking again the day I had that dream. Everything just got to me and I spent most of the day in my room crying, whilst smoking my way through two 20 packs of Sovereign and god knows how much beer... I got myself well and truly smurfed over that day...
It's times like this I wish I could believe in God. Then I would have someone to blame, it wouldn't be my fault, but I know it is., I'd have something to look forward to. I'd know there was a reason for all that's happening to me, but there's nothing but never-ending pain and agony. At least on the otherside I won't be able to feel anything, no pain, no misery, just oblivion, pure emptyness. I wouldn't be content coz' there would be nothing left to feel content.
Life is trout, 'nuff said.
There's only one solution but I refuse to take that path. I've seen and felt it's effects and I would never wish that on anyone. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and find Michelle lying next to me, see the sun in the sky and revel in this task we know as life but I know that's never gonna happen. Things will always be crappy and I've just got to face that and get on with my troutty little existence, trying to get by the best I can...
Life is trout...
Once there was meaning
But now everything is
Twisted and tortured
I have no emotion anymore... what's wrong with me...?
musique
Road to the West
Cowboy Bebop Blue
Valentine's Day... God I hate it. This time of the year, I become even meaner than I ever was. Too much love I guess, I hate it. I don't know, I upset myself sometimes.
My school is too dumb, they are selling flowers, red, white, and some other color. Me, and two of my friends were walking down the hall with me, male and female. I forget how it happened but we started to talk about those god forsaken flowers. I don't know if I made my female-friend mad with the things I said, especially saying I'd give her a dead or black rose and say it was from hell. I'll never know I guess.
~This the path I have chosen and this is the path I'll follow forever...
Thursday, 7 February 2002
To tha diary,
Been at school four days now.
It's been great, i'm having so much goddamn fun. The time i spent worrying about school is so unfounded it makes me laugh. Laughing, now theres something i'm doing a hell of a lot lately. God, school is good if you don't take it seriously.
Okay, i'll give you a run-down of what i've been up to these eventful four days.
I saw Alya the first day i got back. Well, things aren't going too great between us, and it's mostly my fault. I don't think i'm cut-out to be in a relationship with a girl.
I've been flirting non-stop 24/7 since the moment i got to school. I'd forgotten how goddamn hot some of the girls at school are, and the effect they have on me.
I don't know WHAT i'd do if i was an ugly, socially challenged dude. To be able to see the same girls that i see, and not to be able to do ANYTHING with them. It would be hell on Earth.
Alya has seen me groping and being groped by at least 4 different girls. Not good huh?
Well... technically we aren't even going out, so i shouldn't feel bad, but i do a bit. Alya is free to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants, i don't care. The fact that she likes me a lot i can't help, and it's not my fault. I'm not going to hinder my social life because of her.
Still, i feel bad.
Nevertheless, i can't keep these hands to myself!
God, it's a horrbile cycle im in. And god, do i love being in it!
I'm going to class and not doing one single peice of work and studying the moment i enter the door. It's great.
Well, they kicked me out of my class today. Not doing enough work they said. Blah.
They booted me out of a class that was kinda gay, into a class straight from my personal heaven.
All my friends are in this new class. Every single goddamn one of them, they dominate the entire class.
And the chicks, oh god! The chicks! OHhhhh!
The women in this class are god-like, and just today i got with most of them. Oh yeah...!
JESUS himself could not have designed a better home-room for me.
The class that we spend the most time in is called the home-room here in WA.
I'm in this new class forever now. What damn good luck.
I had Drama class today. The class is cool, a lot of good guyz in it. Good females as well.
Had a lot of fun, acted for 80 mins straight.
Kinda f**ked up my knee when i was pretending to be a rugby player though. I bear-tackled this chair and totally messed it up hell bad. I didn't say anything, i must have looked grim. I just smiled and held the obscenities in my head. It got better quick.
Anyway, i'm loving school, i'm loving life.
I'm having fun, and thats ALL that matters.
I know all the above sounds like a dream, and you probably think things couldn't possible be going so goddamn good for one guy. But hell, i can't argue with you. Dunno what i did to deserve this new change of good luck.
My only worry: One day all good things must end.
Just hope it doesn't happen anytime soon.
Saturday, 9 February 2002.
Diary,
Just got back from the shops, been there since 10.00am. Australia time.
Had a goddamn great time :D
We finally found out how to steal PS2 games, took long enough. Have to crack open the heavy-duty plastic cases with a knife or something like that.
Pulled up at the shops, went straight to K-Mart.
We've been trying to bust open the plastic cases on PS2 games forever now, it's like rock. Shut real tight, too. Daniel picked one up, took it with him and walked away. I followed him to see what he would do, and oh my god!
I lost it, i couldn't stop laughing.
He was standing in the middle of the aisle, slamming this PS2 game on the floor every 2 seconds, then jumping on it as hard as he could. He looked like such a dickhead, i thought i was gonna laugh up a lung.
Meanwhile Brenton showed up and said that he still couldn't open the casing, he had been trying to open it with this little ice-pick thingy he has.
So he tells Daniel to go find find a knife somewhere in the shop. Daniel is gone for ages, me and Brenton sit around waiting and waiting.
He comed back with this f**king huge big knife, he's stumbling along knocking stuff over. He sees us and grins, pulls his hound out from behind his back.
It's SOAKED with blood.
He somehow managed to deeply cut his hand, trying to rip open the knife packet.
We leave the game and knife somewhere 'safe' and go to the chemist section to find him some sort of rag or something.
The chemist dudes were cool enough to wrap up his hand and put some chemical stuff on it.
So Brenton went back into K-Mart and managed to get the game... what a legend!
Later on we found ourselves in some other stupid cheap-ass shop. Brenton found some sticky-string, y'know the stuff you shoot out of cans at parties?
We got 3 cans of it and went out the front of the shops.
By the time we were finished with the sticky-string can war, people were standing there with their jaws open staring at us. We were COVERED from head to toe in yellow sticky stuff, and it was all over one of the shop walls and EVERYWHERE over the floor.
F**king r0x0r.
It was such a bad mess i got worried someone was gonna call security or something.
We spent the next 20 mins picking yellow trout off of each other, then we caught a bus home.
It was a good day.
Had lotsa fun, sucks ass that i have to go to my uncles place later tonights. It's his birthday.
Have to catch up with some of the guys tomorrow.
Bummer.
I got a second job, but now I'm absolutely exhausted. I think I'm overworking myself with this 57 hours per week idea... I mean, it'll get me all the cash I need, but... y'no... >_<
Diary.
It seems that my sisters boyfriend had "claimed" her as an object. He practically owned her. She couldn't go out with her friends or talk on the phone. He would even beat her if she looked at boys. In fact he came to my place, and thought that I was one of those "boys". I don't know how he found her, obviously she was taking a break from the bastard. Anyway, he started kicking my television and punching me. (My sister told me about him, but I didn't expect him to be like that. Guess she didn't tell me the hole truth). He had it coming though, slapping my sister in front of me. He is history. My sister will be staying at my place until she wants to move out.
I just knew it. Something bad just had to happen. If I see him again, I doubt that he will swing his baseballbat at me again. I even doubt he can hold a spoon. Little bastard.
Well, this would be my first time in the Daily Grind forum. Hmmm...I think that it will be kind of enjoyable to start keeping a diary.
Let's see, to much happend today, kinda the same old - got up, went to my classes, (though I got economics off today - yay!) and came home. Kinda tired but I still forced myself to workout for 20 minutes. Well, guess that's about it for today.
Diary.
I just got beaten up, by a bunch of jerks. I didn't expect to see him that soon. He had some of his friends with him. I've got a broken arm and some broken ribs. It hurts plenty, but I think I nailed them. Obviously some of them knew martial arts, and could fight back. At least they didn't carry any knifes. It could have gone ugly if they had. I hope not to see more of them, or else my sister is going to have to hide someplace else. I'm having a hard time right now.
I want to die.
But then again, who would protect my sis? I will have to wait until she finds someone special. True love I suppose. Then I could die. Or move on to a new life. I'll figure out soon enough.
Diary,
God today was a bad day. I mean everything just started off badly - woke up not feeling well, the weather was bad but not bad enough to cancel classes, I have a real problem with my accounting professor - bloody know-it-all bitch, and on top of everything else when I was giving Matt a ride home after classes around 2:30 I was going threw an intersection - on a goddamn GREEN LIGHT and two jackoff's my age decided to run the red light and nearly slammed in my car. If they had of hit me I would have been T-boned and more than likely I would have been killed. Pretty unnerving to think that at 2:30 today my life almost came to an end - 18 years is not a very long run at things. Well, at least I don't have anything else I need to do today - I can just take a break - boy is that a load off.
I guess I really shouldn't worry to much about school - I mean it will be done with in just a few short months and I will be able to go away to university with a high 80% average - I guess that is something to be happy about.
Counting down the days until school is over in June and Matt and Paul and I will be going on the road - it is going to be AMAZING! We three fools backpacking across Canada for the summer! Oh ya! It is going to be a great way to celebrate the end of high school and the start of university.
Well, I guess that is about it for today, here's to hope that tomarrow will be a better day than today.
Diary.
I went to the doctor, and was told that my arm, after a few months, will be fully functional again. So I guess I will be running around not able to do physical work. Whatever. My sickness is also getting better, which, by the way, is the best of news I've had in years! This turns out to be a good day. Really good.
I haven't found anything cheap, for my friends computer. I think I'll leave the decisions to him. I haven't got time to help him either. We both have too much to do. It's like we're drifting apart. Me and my friends. I don't think that I will ever see them again. Our studies takes us to far off places, and it sucks. I don't have any friend nearby. My nearest friend is about 30 miles from here. Great. We will be meeting each other at least 3 times a year.
My sister wants to go to college here. I don't think it will work. I want her to move out as far as possible. Far away from this place. To another country perhaps. She knows a lot of languages, it shouldn't be hard for her to study in another country. She'll have to move out soon. Come to think about it, the "boys" actually wanted to kill me. Who knows what they might do to my sister. Shouldn't think about it.
I hope this day continues with the good things.
Diary
Hmmm...well, I can't exactly say today was a "great day" - I still find my accounting teacher to be nothing but a self-serving, know-it-all bitch who teaches simply because she has probably failed at everything else she has ever done. Oh well, if I was a failure to I would probably be bitter as well...hehehe.
Ah well, school may not have been the best but I only had about 1/2 hours worth of homework - got most of it done at school - yay! On the bright side this meant I was able to workout for about 45 minutes - really hard, I was able to workout all that frustration and anger from school. Feel a lot better now. I've been able to get back up to working out 4 or 5 times a week - feel a lot less tired again. The only catch is come tomarrow morning I will be so sore I will not be able to move - oh well...
What else to write about...hmm... can't really think about anything off hand. Oh ya, I am really starting to wonder if Matt will be able to survive this last semester of high school. I mean, I am only taking 3 OAC's and I get a spare to do my homework, Matt on the other hand is taking classes all day long. I think he should have given more thought to his decision to take 4 OAC's this semester. Oh well, I guess it not really my place to tell other people how to run their lives, I just hope he is able to keep it together - he seems pretty run down right now.
Well, that's about it - one less day until the trip this summer - boy is that going to rock!
Diary
I'm the worst trout on earth. I grounded the only person I love. Yes, I grounded my little sister. I even yelled at her. I can't stand myself. I hoped I could take care of her, as I promised, but I seem to fail. What would mother say to this. I'm a failure. A big failure. If mother and father knew that I yelled at my little sister, they would be disappointed. Even sad. I just want to take a long walk. A very long walk. But I have to make sure, that my sister doesn't crawl out the window, to meet this guy. What the hell, is wrong with her? She feels sorry for him or something.
"I have to say goodbye. After all, we lived together you know."
I can't really say anything to that. I guess I just freaked out the first time she told me, that she decided to meet him one last time. What if he suddenly stands up from his wheelchair and hurts her? What if life sucked so much, that she accidently was hit by a car, while going to him? This is freaking me out. All of it.
Sooner or later we'll have to get her stuff, though. It's better to get it now before he recovers. I don't think I have clear thoughts right now. But have I ever? My background says I'm "special". Whatever.
Oh damn. She's crying. I better do something. I'm an asshole. The biggest bastard ever.
EDIT: She's okay. In fact, she's sitting right next to me. Readingeverything I'm typing right now.
Why don't you say "hi"? Come on, I know you're reading this.
hi.
let me chance the color...
Diary,
Ha! I knew that eventually this series of bad days would be snapped! Now, it is not exactly like anything spectacular happend today...but on the other hand - not a thing has bothered me all day! Ahh...it is so nice to be reminded that not ever day is a hassle of epic ammounts!
Hmm...well...let's see...it Valentine's Day. I guess normally I am always down about this day because I don't have a girlfriend. It is not really bothering me today - after all, none of the girls here are worth the effort - sure some are attractive - but they all suffer from that small town persona that I dislike so much. Oh well - this time next year I will be at University in Toronto and I will have no problems in this department.
Well, looks like Canada got screwed out of a gold metal at the games - doesn't really supprise me, after all, Canada is viewed as a joke by most of the world anyway - especially the United States. Hmm...I probably shouldn't get started ont the States tonight - I'll probably be here half the night.
My brother's got a reading week coming up. Not sure if he is coming home though - don't even know if that would be a good idea. As much as I like the guy it seems that we are not able to get along together for more than 2 or 3 days before we are at each other's throats. Guess I will just have to wait and see what happens.
Guess that's about it for tonight - heh, that cat of mine is lying on my computer monitor again - can't really blame her - must be nice and worm! And if there is one thing this cat likes, it is warm things! Wonder what she is thinking about right now...
One less day until the trip this summer!
I visited Laurana today. I was there for only 4 hours though. It should have been longer, but I had pressing matters. I will visit her tonight. It's weekend now, so I have all the time to tell her my feelings. I haven't been there for weeks.
Could I change the past
Then it would be to never have met you, my love
Never
Worst weekend of the year. To date.
Diary.
We got my sisters stuff from the wheelboy. Now she can continue her life, and move on.
My friend hasn't any internet yet. This will probably take a while. This is of course bad, because I really need someone to talk to right now, but My sister cries everytime I bring it up and repeatedly tells me not to die. This is frustrating. How can I ever leave her alone in this world? It is so unfair.
Diary,
Boy did I get a nice break today - classes are cancelled today due to all the ice on the roads. I guess in theory being as I drive to school I am suppose to go, however if it is not safe enough for buses then why is it safe enough for me? Anyway, there are no regular classes so in any case it is a very nice break.
I sure have had a lot of work everyday in my courses - this final semester of high school certainly is not going to be a cake run. Ah well, I have been able so far to get all of it done during my spare so I guess it is not all bad.
Looks like Matt is not as down as he was last week - good thing. I was really starting worry about him - I had never seen him so depressed before. On the bright side he has really perked up this week.
Saw my brother on Monday night. Heh, he brought his girlfriend with him. Nice girl....extremely good looking. I just kept my eyes to the floor while they were here. Didn't want to give him the idea that I was making eyes at his girl - even though it was very, very, very hard not to.
Hmm....I guess that's about it for today, but man! I am in such a good mood today!
Been a few days since I posted here - guess that means there are a few days less until the trip this summer!
diary
I got myself a new job. yay. I'm now a chef in a VERY fine restaurant. Which means, I'll be earning more money than Bill Gates! Well, not really, but I'll have a profit. It'll be about 9$/hour. It's a lot indeed (with a broken arm and all). Soon I'll have enough money! yay. And the best thing is: Zoe and Marxo works there too. This is too good to be true. Great! Though, I hope that I don't neglect my homework. Rissy is doing fine too. This will be the best year in years!
There's one thing though. I've noticed some guy following me wherever I go. Let's see how this will turn out. If he's planning something nasty, I'm dead. Let's just hope he'll give me a briefcase with plenty'o'money!
heh
Ahhh!! I'm totally infatuated with Apolo Ohno, the new 19 year old speedskater in the Winter Olympics. *runs away giggling*
Somebody please give me a life.
Everything's fine right now. As fine as my life allows it to be. The man still stalking, my sister still....? I don't know what my sister is doing. She's not in school that's for sure. Better find out what she's doing. Friend, no computer. Me, feeling better. I think I'll be alright again after two months only. When I've fully recovered, I'll buy a bike. It'll be fun to learn how to ride a bike.
Visited my parents today. Someone has already been there. Maybe it's Rissy. Got to ask her myself. Tomorrow I'll visit Laurana.
ARGH!! I cannot believe my all time favorite Michelle Kwan DID NOT win gold yesterday. I'm officially pissed. This is the 2nd time in a row this happened. She doesn't deserve this.
I had a little headache yesterday, so my this sent me to her doctor. "Why not?" I thought. After a quick check, the doctor, which by the way is 26 and VERY goodlooking.....ahem, tells me to rest and all:
"Thank you doctor."
"You should get some rest and drink more water."
"I feel better already"
Nothing to do so I asked her about my cancer while I was there:
"Doctor, I have cancer. Can you see if it has...grown?"
"Cancer? Well, let's take a look, shall we?"
After the check:
"Well, doctor?"
"You don't have cancer."
"Not? But my doctor told me that I only had 75 months. And that was 2 years ago."
"I can assure you, you do not have cancer. I don't see anything wrong with you."
"....."
" Are you trying to get a date?"
"...What?"
"I can next Friday."
"Ummm."
"You are confused because of the cancer? Should I get another doctors' opinion?"
"No, it's alright. I'll go home and get some rest."
"I'll see you around then."
".....Bye"
Of course these are not the exact words.
The big problem is, I don't have cancer. Or do I? Maybe I should get a third opinion. If I'm not going to die, then I'll have to take my studies very seriously. I've been sleeping through most of the classes. This is too weird, because I'm used to think that I'm going to die within a few years. Maybe sooner. But now, it's all so cloudy. I can't see through this. My mind has been cloudy lately. Maybe I was dreaming it all? The whole no-cancer thing was a dream. Maybe I'm going insane. I should seek a shrink or something. I'm very confused. I should talk to my own doctor too, because, maybe the cancer just dissappeared? Let's see, third opinion, shrink then my own doctor. Let's solve this thing before all my hair turns grey.
Diary
Well, our Canadian women did it! They snapped that 8 game winless run against the United States, even though they had to do it with probably the WORST referee's I have ever seen and won the gold! What the hell was with that? An American head referee during a game where the United States was going for gold? What a bloody load of crap! This simply proves my point that US are using these games to showcase the greatness of their empire. If I am not mistaken, a country did the same thing in 1936. God, why can't the Olympics just forget about political issues? This is suppose to be a bloody celebration of humanity and a show of world unity - guess that will never happen.
Looking forward to men's hockey final tomarrow night - it is going to be a classic battle - which we will of course win!
Can't be sure, but I think I may have a shot with one of the girls in my economics class - be interesting to see how it plays out.
Third opinion: no cancer
Shrink: I'm sane.
Now, I just need to talk to my own doc.
EDIT: Yeah I was kinda afraid people would kill me for double posting.
The doctor ahd some interesting things to say. I'll have to think about it. I won't post them here though. It is pretty serious, and I will have to deal with it in a rather unpleasant way.
Diary,
Desided to drop those last 3 high school courses - I do not need them (only took them so I would have something to do until this summer) but they turned into nothing but the biggest headache I can remember. Glad I am done with high school - next year it is on to college! YAY!!!! And before that it is the trip this summer! Double YAY!!!!!!! Now that I am off I will have some time to do some person stuff - study some politics, philosophy, cooking, techniques on women, keep up with my running and working out, and help my old man at the store when he needs it. I am SO glad I am finished with high school and I have graduated - those courses were making me feel so depressed, and until yesterday I had had headaches everyday day this month - this is such a relief, I feel better than I have for a long time!
Canada ROCKED at the Olympics! 17 metals was a new record, 4 in one day was a new record, we took the double hockey gold and ended the 50 year dry spell of not getting any men's hockey gold! What an Olympics! Geez that was one hell of a celebration on Sunday night after we beat the Americans! CANADA! CANADA!
Can't wait until this summer - Matt, Paul and I backpacking across Canada - OH YA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear diary, I love Sam.
I have dealt with this... problem of mine. It seems my uncle had something to do with my "cancer". I'll have to confront him with it. My sister now knows, that I do NOT have cancer of any kind. She knows that I'm not going to die by cancer. I must say, I have never seen her this happy for years. The only thing that will be the cause of my death now, will be my sisters boyfriends. First my arm, next time it'll be my neck.
After a long time of consideration, I have decided to move on. This state of mind, which has caused me pain, confusion and a lot of grey hair, has got to stop. I will move on with my life.
I have got to socialize a bit more...now that I know it's worth it.