The Journal Thread (November)

Dear Journal,
Today has been a nice day. There's been a wedding at my house, and such. I also created a new long dued Journal Thread in the Daily Grind. Please forgive me for my lateness.

~proto

i nenver knew about this fourm.. well i guess ill post my day as well..
my alergy is killing me (my nose just keeps running and i just sneeze for hours on end) im sure it has something to do with the air. anyways... bad day just turgot worse.. my dad todl me we are going out to a friend's for dinenr and i got loads of work to do . im STILL missing a system to investigate, and analyze for my second ICT coursework and i need to ahve done a full analysis of the system by tuesday.. its sunday arleady and i have no CLUE what im going to do. jsut to make things worse, i ahve english coursework deadlines popping up all over the place enxt week. im behind in maths adn im running outta time. @_@ i hate being behind no matter how hard i try.:mad2:

Hello, I need to rant, and I'll do it here.

Although I am very tired and my brain right now is very sleepy and slow, I hope I can at least share some of my thoughts. Li'l intro; I'm lonely though I live with one of my girl friends right now who cheer me up from time to time. I do not do well in school, and I am often mistaken as a stoner/goth type slacker who does not think, if it were true I would have some more friends. Since my reading/thinking/writing lifestyle I have adapted to become an indendependant person who is sick of writing for his own pleasure and critique, I wish to hear many people's responses that actually are somewhat interested(I hope). The first and foremost concept I have, is of the nature of knowledge, I have never given a second of my time to epistomology(spelt wrong probly) but I think I have a suitable foundation on the theory of knowledge. I like to use a tree, and the tree is the tree of knowledge, the origin is not important right now, the base trunk is not either, but what is important is the nature of this tree. The tree obviously is abstract in nature, the tree contains everything that is true and false. People elaborate and expand on old concepts or branches of the tree, and if the old branches relate to a new branch, a new branch is grown, and all that is true and believed by people is in this tree. The problem with this concept of the tree is the actual purpose of the growing. If one wonders about the branches, he will reflect back on older branches to put the further branches in reason, if one must consider those branches now looked at, he must go back again to back up his truth. If this process continues for quite some time he will find himself in trouble, for he will start to lose confidence in his more base stems, if he can still continue and continue he will come back to the base theories. The base theories obviously can not follow the same rule of going back again, so they are now laws. They are objective entities apparently, bearing absolute fruits. If the nature of this reasoning is put into question it can only be defended by itself, and it seems the reason in these theories are empty with logic. These empty objective concepts make all of our other concepts, even the concepts of subjective and objective! It now seems that the tree really is chaos, it can't even use terms objective or subjective, that is unless objective is the base. The problem even then is, objectivity is base? How can one ever assume theories of gravity and math if it is based off of objectivity itself? It's like pulling a rabbit out of the hat.... but there is more. The tree does have one thing going for it, my reason got left behind in the further branches, realization got left behind, in fact everything empirical and known by us as a person is left behind, human is no longer here, perception and reason is no more. Everything we know and can conceive is gone, I can go no further to defend or attack it, so it seems it is not a suitable belief. If absolute laws don't seem to be able to give ground to subjective laws it's just ur idea that comes after the belief, so youreally can't say.... anyways, I don't feel like ranting anymore about this, although I feel somewhat refreshed now. Scrolling up, I see a lot of stuff I probably would disagree with, but whatever. It just popped out of my head. I feel a lot better now.:)

I don't have the virus. Yay!

sigh... i swear i ahve this thing with procastination. ive got only 500 words to write for my english coursework analysis but im posting here instead because its much easier to pass time than doing my english. ive done half the notes already and all i need to do is get them out of my bag adn put them on the talbe in front of me and start typing. why am i here typing this? i just seem to feel all my friends are too busy for me. i call anyone and they are either not at home or busy. (im supposed to be busy with work too... but i procastinate) it jsut seems in the matter of 2 weeks ive lost all my friends who either say one word to me then turn to leave or jsut simply refuse to speak to me in wihc i get an amazing im busy or maybe sometimes with a sorry in front.
worst thing is... two girls that ive been relatively friendly with just seem to have gotten so moody all of a sudden... one is totally avoiding me.. the other is busy worrying about getting rejected by the universities shes applied to and when i try to comfort her she jsut goes kinda berserk then suddenly melancholy silent. thing is... 4 A's 1B and shes worried... i messed up and got 1B 1C 3D's for my last set of exams...i call ehr at home try to talk to her i get the sorry im realyl busy ill call you back when i can then no phone call for the next week. is there a bunch of gigantic letters on my forehead saying im a loser ignore me? it sure feels that way. anyways.. my rant for today si done.. i got english to do. :(

Dear journal,
Today i lost my homework so i had a detention.
But, only 11 and counng das till my b-day, I onde what ill get???ivelooked everywhere for my presents but noting! :( i hat parents, they always know where to hide the presenets.
Sincerely,
Me^^;

dear journal,
i finally told him that i would like to be only friends. i felt really bad at first but now im fine. we;re talkign to each other online right now. he said he wanted me to be his first girlfriend... if i was his first he would be my first too. erm... yeah... man i dotn get respect at church. oh well... my best friend seems only a friend now..... i have no true friends... no ture love.. nothing. man do i feel empty. dammit.. wheres the death pills when you need'em??

lol...yah:p :p

Quote:

---

The reason I awake each morning is only to go back to sleep at night.
Moving through motions of no importance, I step into my clothes, clean and white.
Am I at school? I’m affirmed by the bell’s chime.
Now I am home, consuming droplets of time.
A stain on my shirt shows up insistently, overshadowed by the lack of light.

It’s all the same, no more good than bad. Here or there, school or home, dirty or clean,
Either way it’s tiring and gray.

Potholes clog my life-in-progress, surrounding me, and my pace has to slow.
Above the horizon the stars sink and the sky is now lit by a faraway window
Which blinks out with the dusk’s sleepy closing.
Permanence fades, cyclical progression imposing
Only a lantern burns fighting off night, extinguished by a single blow.

The glimmer of life had long since worn off.
Mechanics replacing ambition, inconvenience prevents dreams from being realized.
My goal is to finish my work so I can sleep.

I challenge you to give me one reason to care.
Of my faults and of yours, I am fully aware.
Should I do something about it? Help you out? Help myself? No…
There’s nothing better up here than in the swampy chasms of nonexistence below.
To be perfectly frank, there’s nothing anywhere.

Nice is never real
Mean is painful to feel.
Constance is regressing
Change is depressing.
Motion is a chore but rest is a bore.
People are fake, not fully awake
Religion’s a game and traditions are the same
Family’s a joke, from whom truth never spoke!
Everything I see is unnecessary. Needless lint to occupy me.

Likewise, my unquenchable thirst for meaning is stifled
And content is diffused to match the rest of existence,
Or nonexistence,
After realizing that life’s no more than a tangle of trifles.
When no black or white or distinctions at all define your life, any change is welcome.
At least then you have something to compare it to.

What’s the difference?
It’s all the same, no more good than bad. Empty or full, alive or dead, to go or to stay.
Either way it’s tiring and gray.

I’ve fallen into a pothole where I want to take a nap.
To blanket myself in pity, like a warm mother’s lap.
But it’s hard to rest when you aren’t tired.
I could exhaust myself with work, put my energy to use,
But I’d rather sit here and watch fungus reproduce.
It’s not easy to strive when you’re not inspired.

I’d relinquish my life to the dark crowded underworld,
Where my eyes would stay shut and I could sleep forever,
Where I don’t have to know what is true and what’s not, or play along with the useless sport of survival, pretending to care, feigning interest, creating drama to bury the sharp void of uncertainty we pretend has been filled.
Regardless, I let myself function, waiting, dormant, for any change at all to use as kindling,
For I’d be a hypocrite to say life is pointless and death is not.
But hope is draining through the loose soil, and I grow weary of fruitless anticipation for what I know does not exist.
Can you blame me?

Life is neither good nor bad,
Has nothing to fight or to pursue.
But I wish it was and had, because,
Then at least I’d have something to do.

---

I've recieved this mail from a person, and it totally made me think: "That's basically my life." Eck, reading this makes me feel even more empty. I need to do something exciting. Like driving a bus or something. I've always wanted to do that once.

My favorite hub is back online. I'm so 'happy'. Heh. Anyway, it's one of the positive things, because I actually know people when I'm in that hub. Makes it more comfortable being in it.
Today was a bad rainy day and I didn't like it much. My roomie has found herself a girlfriend, and I have to get out of here in about 40 minutes. She's preparing dinner and whatnot, and after that *I* have to get back and drive them to some see some movie. I'm such a pushover.

Edit: Heh. I forgot to mention that I've just recieved mail from my sister. Yay. I hope she's okay, and I hope she's not involved with some punk again. I don't think I can/want to handle those anymore. I'll keep ya updated when I have the time.

dear journal,
MUFFINS AND SCONES! THAT'S WHATS UP! yum yum yum! my sis is making sum! im gonna go help her now!

Mood - Meh.
Music - Godfather - Italian Violin

Hey,

Got back to residence at about 6:00 PM after being home since Wednesday. Not bad being back home - I think it was good for the folks to see me; things seem to be bothering them. The empty nest thing I guess...

Things are going pretty well for me right now - going to hopefully take Shin Ae to the semi-formal on Friday so that should be fun.

I have noticed that I have started to develop healthier feelings about myself - I seem to have moved past that stage of self-loathing and am more comfortable with who I am. And why the hell shouldn't I be? I am not exactly a terribly unattractive freak!:p

Going to just make this one a little short - I will probably write again tomorrow. I am thinking about getting a live journal or whatever they are called - I should ask Hanne about how to do that.

Ciao

Let's see...day sucked today. I spent some time hanging out with my older brother who lives across campus from me. He seems to be doing all right, buying loads of WW2 merchandise off the net. And I thought my GeForce 4 Ti 4600 was expensive...jeepers, we're talking $250+ for a repainted WW2 helmet. And I'm not even sure it wasn't reproduction

Right now, I'm procrastinating because I'm hyped on coffee and have two tests tomorrow I should be studying for. Organic Chemistry and Fundamentals of Ecology. Both 500 level classes. Such a load for a poor 18 year old. So poor, I think I have like $15 to my name.

And darn, I didn't even get a good hand on my paper coffee cup poker game thingie. a pair of two's...I got a full house last time I bought one.

Oh and some things never change, I'm still lonely, still abstract, and I still like to look at the stars more than I do at the earth. Things just seem so much more fun up there.

Man.. Amly and Zidaneo are driving me nuts, I never used their RL names, so why do they think they can use mine? In IM or PM yeah, but in threads? Its pushing it and then some

This was what I posted in my other journals yesterday, I dint realise this journal was back.. meh..

K I been writing this over the course of the day, kinda an experiment to see how my mind works and just how much its ticking over, so it might seem a bit disjointed and stuff..

* * *

I don't know what to say to Billy. Truth is, he probably dosent understand me as much as he thinks he does
I mean, he asked me 'why do you have to be so dark'.. I just see the humour.. I'm not dark, I'm just fighting so damn hard right now to hold onto what little light is left in this wretched soul of mine...
I dont wanna burden him with my problems, but by not telling him, I feel like I'm not being honest.. This is stupid, my past should not affect my present. But it does.. Thats why I should tell him...
It's also why I cant..

I like to act like a streetwise, bad-ass chick, but truth is, right now?
I'm scared...
Scared I'll loose it all again. How many years has it taken for me to trust again? I swore I never would... It's only strong mutual bonds and an unspoken sense of understanding thats got me this far.
But then.. What if it happens again? That thought is always at the back of my mind. If they leave me now I.. I'd curl into a ball and just die.. I couldnt take it a second time, I could barely deal with it the first time..
I'm like a puppy thats been kicked way too many times
And Celeste is the wolf that learned to bite back!
My only way to fight the fear
I'm not always the hard-ass, independent loner I want to be. Dont get me wrong, I'm not nieve peace loving angel either. I'm just a fighter, looking for a cause, drifting through life on the edge of damnation and eternally searching for a way to reach the light
I shouldnt post this
Its too much like exposing my soul
But I know I will..
Wish I just knew why
I'd say it was a call for help, but then.. I know better.. Even if anyone wanted to help me, they probably couldnt. They shouldnt even try! I'm not worth it
Right now, I'm just trouble, everones problem..
I hate this...

* * *

Heh.. I was writing this totally freaky poem, and the guys saw it, now they are debating the best method of suicide.. Its actually funny, in a sick sorta way I guess... Its all cos of Chris' vow that hes gonna bring a gun to school and do in the whole 6th form, I really dont know how serious he is, its true, but the guy brought a dagger in once, so um.. yeah..
I have great friends dont I? =p
Got me thinking though.. I dont want to die.. But if I have to go, I want it to be by a blade in the stomach or a bullet in the head, preferably done by a trusted one, but who would do that? *shrugs* Damn I'm morbid of late..
Pills, drink, hanging, drowning
Damn... Humans are pretty fragile huh?
I couldnt do it myself
1) My instincts just wont let me
2) I'm stupid enough to still have hope in this life
3) I'd be letting my friends down
And hell yeah even
4) I dont wanna be another damn statistic

Oh the poem, though I spent some time on it, its more like lyrics than anything else now:

Autumns Blood

It permeats the air
Death
Decay
Its everwhere

Fallen leaves
Autumn breeze
Color of blood
Surrounding me

Whispers in the dark
Words from fallen tomb
Screaming in my skull
Nothing can I do

Fallen leaves
Autumn breeze
Stench of death
Surrounding me

Its all too much
Its gone too far
What can be done
For those that are?

Fallen leaves
Autumn breeze
Death surrounds me
Slowly bleed

~The Black Fox 19/11/02

trout.. I am messed up aint I?


* * *

It all seems so unreal.. The net
I mean, Annomaly for instance, a guy that understands me? I just see the imposibility you know? And not being able to talk to him on MSN, makes it seem even less real.. A picture, a voice, something to concentrate on, to keep it real, to be sure it is..
And how I long to meet my Zidaneo, to hold him, to always be there the way I try so hard to be, no matter what. I have never felt this way about anyone, but it is a fruitless dream, how can I ever meet him? He lives so very far away.. I try not to think about that, it'll only depress me right?
How I envy Jennie, shes been over there before, and she has the resources to go again.. life just isnt fair is it?

* * *

Poor Zidaneo, I wouldnt mind him calling me a sweety pie at all, well ok it would never fit me, but also, the way it was used in 9 has set the phrase as a derogitery one in my mind
'I got myself a sweetie pie'
Now, lets get this straight, women are not possesions, we're not prizes, nor are we trophies to show of to your mates, we're people
I know Zid didnt mean it like that, but there you go.. I think I hurt him by not keeping that in check, sorry Zidane..

* * *

Yay for insomnia/depression/sugar-high combo moods! I'm able to go pretty deep right now, all that above was just the 1st two lessons and morning breaks, though I can see I thought little after that, I'm a the nocturnal type, I think best at night and on mornings.
But I feel pretty deep and philosophical right now.
School is so damn boring *yawns*
Heh.. noones done the English coursework, I got all worked up over sod all.. heh...

* * *

Chris is driving me nuts with this senseless hate of his for all things american, I sometimes wonder if he keeps it up just cos hes the only one in the school that knows about Zidane. I had to tell him, hes a mate and anyway, now we have an excuse for all the idiots that keep trying to set us up! Cant a girl befriend a guy for friendships sake anymore?!
Meh, I put my american accent on, he hates that, most do. I often use it to trick ppl into thinking I'm from there, I just.. cant resist..
The looks on their faces when I switch back to the local area accent is so funny XD
I can master any accent if I'm around it enough
I sound scally right now, but I can switch to upper class, American, or even accentless with a mear tweak to my thinking pattern, I do it all the time
And still ppl fall for it.. heh..

* * *

20 press ups.. not bad from cold and for a person that hasent trained in a bit, of course, once I hit twenty I collapsed, but I'm tough on myself, 2 mins down and then back up for another 12! I woulda done more, but dad came in with the dinner and you shouldnt exercise on a full stomach.. yeah.. you shouldnt swim on a full stomach niether, never stopped me!
Ah well, speed walkin it to school is good exercise anyway, 30 min journey in 10-15.. pretty good, and now its turning cold, I get the extra training of being in that in a t-shirt and maybe a thin as hell jacket/coat, hey, I bring it on myself. I got flu earlier in the year, cos I couldnt even tell I was cold, I just.. dont feel it.. heh..
I'm just happy to be in shape, I used to scorn exercise, but I was wrong, now I just cant find enough time for it, going on the PSX helps with that.. *grins mischeviously*
I wont say more, I'm just kinda odd, and keeping still is not my best traight ^_~


**~Genome 227~**

I'm one very.. VERY.. messed up individual..

~Celeste

Mood - introverted
Music - Creed - One Last Breath

Hmm, what to say tonight. Not really much going on tonight even though it is a pub night. Oh well, I suppose Shannon will ask if I want to go out with them tonight but I don't know if I feel like it. Might just stay in tonight and do a little thinking and relaxing. Besides, might be going out Friday and Saturday night and that should be pleanty for this weekend.

Life really is a funny thing isn't it? It really is the most unpredictable of things. Oh well, I guess that is what keeps this interesting, or something like that.

Ciao

~Notes to myself~

Get a hold of yourself... Stop thinking that someone follows you everywhere. Stop freaking for nothing.The things you saw floating in the bathroom were hallucinations. Stop drinking beer, even if you only drink one per month. Stop skipping class to come on EoFF.

Get a damn hold of yourself!
~Lord Nathor~

About the letter from my sister; it was nothing special or worth mentioning. Just the occasional "I need money, brother". Why doesn't she get a job?
Today is a stupid day. It ended without me realizing it.

Mood - relaxed
Music - nothing

Let's see...went out last night to a club called the Lime Light with Matt, Mike, Daniel, Liz, Chad and Trisha. Good times! Also, I am now apparently a VIP at the Lime Light as one of the servers named Catherine gave me the card just before I left. She also seemed to really want me to go back there tonight. Guess we will see what happens - we're all going downtown again tonight so we might end up there.

Worked out for about 1 1/2 hours straight this morning - feel great now - nothing better then that feeling after you have worked out.

Leaf are playing the Flyers tonight - that's when we will start the party tonight.

I should probably get some dinner in a half hour or so - haven't eaten yet today and I don't want to eat close to when we are leaving.

Ciao

I have to learn to not worry about others so much, I mean, I dont give a damn about myself so why care about others?
But its so hard.. I never had any true friends before now and dammit I dont wanna be alone again.. I've been alone long enough as it is..

~Celeste