An Important Public Service Announcement from Del Snizz
Fair citizens, it's been a long time since I've posted a new thread (or anything else for that matter) on these fine fora, and you must know that I do so now to raise awareness about an issue of the gravest import. California, the proud home state of many of EoFF's founding members and everyone's favorite soulless wasteland faces a crisis of leadership. Dissatisfied with the current recession, the loss of jobs, the state's nearly $40 billion budget deficit, and with memories and continuing fears of blackouts and brownouts in mind, at least 1.3 million Californians have decided that they want Gray out. That's right, as I'm sure you've heard, notoriously dull and unpopular Governor Gray Davis will have to hit the campaign trail in the middle of his term to persuade California voters not to kick him out of office in the recall election on October 7. Now, I don't particularly know or care enough about California politics to have much interest in whether Davis's administration has tarnished the Golden State, necessitating his early dismissal, but what I am passionate about is doing everything in my power to turn the democratic process into even more of a ridiculous political circus. Just having Arnold Schwarzeneggar as a possible Republican candidate in the race isn't enough for me, particularly in the post-Jesse Ventura era; nor should it be for you, my friends. No, what we have here is an opportunity to launch a new campaign for a new century, to give the people of California the kind of leadership they deserve, and for these reasons, we must nominate for office our own IGN64skanker.
This is an appeal to the residents of California here, to the members of EoFF in general, and to the whole of Mankind: Skanker would make an ideal governor, and his candidacy is well within the realm of possibility. Did you know that in order to appear on the recall ballot, a potential candidate need only get 65 signatures of fellow party members and raise $3500? If he or she can get 10,000 signatures, there is no fee at all! For only minimal effort and perhaps small donations, you too can be a part of the Skanker for Governor campaign. So here's what we need from you, especially from the Californians out there:
Step 1. Figure out what party he's going to belong to. Since I don't think he's a registered member of any political party, we'll have to fake it. We might be able to sneak him into one of the two major parties without much trouble, but if someone from the leadership discovers that he's not a registered member who gives them money, it could create bad publicity. Having Skanker run under the banner of an established third party should prove less difficult, as they're usually happy enough just to get candidates. Besides, I doubt they'd bother going through the trouble of looking through the member list because who really wants to get the shoe box down from the shelf?
Step 2. Form a committee to organize the collection of signatures and campaign contributions to get him on the ballot. The deadline for this is August 9, so like any good, expeditious committee, they should complete the preliminary phase of planning by the end of September.
Step 3. Get volunteers throughout the state to bypass the committee and start gathering the necessary signatures and money by any means necessary. Now, I can get signatures from 65,000 dead people in Chicago, but there are presumably a few concerned citizens who would object to out-of-state corpses' having a role in their political process. I figure we can shake off these criticisms in two ways: first, we blame other candidates for getting signatures from illegal immigrants. The allegation doesn't have to be true--in fact, I wouldn't even recommend looking at their lists--but merely mentioning the idea of such a thing is enough to change the subject for a while and get people near the Mexican border up in arms. While the media and the public are distracted by our claim, we can convince the strongly anti-Davis Republican candidates that the signatures we collected were actually from relatives of the governor who were so disappointed with his performance that they wanted to disown him. They can run some TV and radio ads about it, and I predict that few would doubt the story. After all, who can deny the close resemblance in appearance and mannerisms between Gray Davis and a cadaver?
Step 4. After we've secured a spot on the ballot for our man Skanker, we can use the estimated $3.17 in our coffers to begin campaigning for the general election. Now, because we won't be able to afford conventional advertising on the air, in print, or even on people's front lawns and lapels, and since Skanker has absolutely no name recognition, we'll have to run a different kind of campaign. At first, members of the Skanker for Governor team (that's YOU!) should spread the word by making their own signs and standing at busy intersections, shouting at people. Be creative. To attract media attention, try shaving 'Elect Skanker' into the coats of all the cats and dogs in your neighborhood. They'll put this kind of thing on the news, and it won't cost you a dime. People like pets, and they'll remember this, so it'll be just like running a cute campaign ad.
Tell everyone you meet about Skanker's candidacy and take some time to explain to them why they should vote for him. Don't be discouraged by gruff remarks or a little pepper spray; you're an important part of a team now, and you should always remember that there are a lot of caring, like-minded people behind you who will support you when you think the cause is lost and who will pay for a bail bond or two.
From a purely political perspective, once we get even a small grassroots movement going for him, Skanker should have no trouble winning this election. His natural charisma and famed eloquence will captivate potential voters watching televised debates even after security guards remove him from the audience. I firmly believe that Skanker's stance on the issues people care about gives him the ability to appeal to California's diverse granola bar electorate, scoring points with the nuts, the fruits, and the flakes alike. He has solutions to all the state's problems, but he's not going to confuse voters by publishing a long, complicated platform that uses lots of big words and political doublespeak. No, Skanker will always speak from the heart; he'll let you know exactly what his 'bag' is, and my friends, it is without a doubt a bag of values. Indeed, the tradition that Skanker most proudly calls his bag, the All-Male Group Hug, will be a big hit in the Bay Area and will also appeal to female voters, especially the suburban, minivan-driving Oprah-followers, as it will send them the clear message that Skanker is a sensitive man, not afraid to share his feelings.
Even the possible candidacy of Arnold Schwarzeneggar will not daunt our campaign. In fact, Skanker has a number of advantages over the Terminator himself, in spite of the wide gap in name recognition. First, in the 2000 presidential election, a majority of Californians voted for Al Gore, showing a preference against guys with funny accents who like to shoot things. Second, Skanker has never appeared in a movie like Hercules in New York or Last Action Hero. Against some of the less famous candidates with more government experience, Skanker might face a little more trouble. They'll criticize him, saying that he's never been elected or appointed to a government office and that he couldn't possibly know how to successfully run the largest state in the country. In most elections, candidates in a similar position dismiss or simply ignore the charges and hire consultants to teach them how to seem knowledgeable in fields in which they may have shown weaknesses. I say that when Skanker is accused of being inexperienced, he should run with it.
Let's face it: around election time, the talking heads in the media like to go on about how inexperienced candidates are at a disadvantage, and career politicians running for office subtly or not so subtly hint that their less-experienced opponents aren't even fit for the job, but does your average American really care about any of this? Absolutely not. Americans don't really want someone they see as being any smarter or more competent to hold a position of great power than they are to be governing them--they want some slob they can relate to. That's why Skanker is perfect: is the fact that he hasn't graduated from college going to make the average voter think that he's not intelligent enough? Certainly not. Did Bill Clinton brag about studying at and earning degrees from Georgetown, Yale, and Oxford? No, he appealed to the average joe in his presidential campaign, playing the saxophone and talking about his underwear on MTV. Americans don't want elected officials to have Ph.D's in philosophy or something because only the French let people like that have influence, and every decent American knows that France is the European wing of the Islamic Jihad. Is the fact that Skanker has never held office going to hurt him? Of course not. That just means he's still a regular citizen, a representative of the common man and not a corrupt bureaucrat. Is the fact that he's never even voted in a major election going to make people question his commitment and his ability to lead them? Absolutely not--that's something a lot of Americans can really relate to.
Step 5. Oh, yeah. And I guess someone should eventually tell Skanker that he's going to be running for governor.
So, it's time that we act, my friends! Skanker must be elected Governor of California. Show your support for his candidacy right here in this thread, and if you see him on AIM (Westska21 or IGN64skanker), make sure to tell him something like "Congratulations and good luck. If I were from California, you'd have my full support. You're doing a great service. God bless you." Just don't mention words like 'governor,' 'election,' 'campaign,' or 'vote' quite yet. That part should be a little surprise, don't you think?
You should also help us out by posting proposals for campaign slogans and making banners for signatures. As you can see, my signature now bears the slogan "Skanker for Governor: Because RSL is from Iowa"
If you remember dear old Skank, share your favorite stories about him, and if you don't, feel free to fabricate some. Help the voters out by telling everyone some other things that are his 'bag'.
If you're still not convinced, feel free to raise any questions or concerns about anything at all right here. I'll do my best to answer them. If, for instance, you are not clear as to where Skanker stands on a particular issue, I am fully authorized to act as his official spokesman*.
Thank you for your time and for your support, good citizens.
*This is in no way meant to imply that Skanker has given me permission to speak for him in any way.
Some further helpful responses.
Quote:
Originally posted by Asorie
He's shown his interest in equal rights by supporting "All Male (and Asorie) Group Hugs" in the EoFF staff!
Skanker is definitely for equal rights. His record speaks for itself in showing that he will absolutely not tolerate intolerance. For example, this out-of-context quote reveals his tough stand on the use of sexist language:
Westska21: "Bitch hoe skank" is okay, but not "slut".
Quote:
Originally posted by HOOTERS
This is dumb, I hope it backfires.
If by 'backfires' you mean "has a result that is the opposite of what is expected," then I share your sentiment. After all, Skanksky doesn't have a chance of being able to buy a major election in this country, and if the plans I described were actually carried out, we'd all surely be convicted of at least a dozen different felonies. If, on the other hand, you simply mean that you hope that the effort to get Skanker elected fail, then I humbly request that you kindly and with all due haste go to hell.
Quote:
Originally posted by Spaceman Spiff
What're his views on child slavery?
Well, when you ask most candidates, you're probably going to hear a lot about how the unlucky Thirteenth Amendment forbids the institution of slavery in the United States. But at a time like this, we true patriotic Americans must know that anyone who goes around talking about 'the Constitution' or 'human rights' is a terrorist. Besides, what kids these days need most is some good ol'-fashioned discipline: now they just go to their public schools and learn how to smoke crack and quote Karl Marx in Arabic from some dirty hippy who spends all his obscenely large paychecks on male prostitutes. They get told things like "education is an end in itself" and go on to some worthless liberal arts college to major in 'gender studies' or 'philosophy' so that they won't be able to get a real job and can just mooch off welfare and invite a bunch of illegal immigrants over the border to take jobs away from decent Americans and spread venereal disease.
Where was I? Oh, yeah--child slavery. Kids need a taste of the lash, that's for sure! The kind of strong work ethic that made this country great doesn't come from nowhere, you know, and kids certainly won't get it from more so-called 'education' and 'positive reinforcement'. No, sir! They should be picking cotton and skimming the slag off of molten steel! And it's not like children have rights, anyway. They're the property of their parents, who shouldn't be letting this most precious resource go to waste.
Quote:
Originally posted by Shin Akuma
What can the non-Cali. residences of EOFF do to help.
That's a good, albeit improperly punctuated, question. A common misconception about voting in this election is that you actually have to be a citizen and a resident of the state of California to do it. That's nothing but a myth, and here's what you can do to get around help:
1. Register to vote in California under an assumed name. It helps if you have the name and Social Security number of a recently-dead person, but you really don't even have to use the identity of an actual human being: fictional characters, pets, or large home appliances will do just fine.
2. On the part of the registration card that asks for your home address or a description of your residence, explain that you are a hobo and sleep in a different dumpster every night.
3. Request an absentee ballot for each 'voter' you've registered. To thwart potential investigators from the Federal Election Commission, have them all sent to post office boxes in another country.
4. Record your vote for Skanker on the ballots, and mail them the designated location. And you're done! Thanks for taking part in the Skanker for Governor campaign.
