Funny Quotes, post your own.

Post quotes or giant stories from music,movies or anything you can possibly think of, even Real life stories. Pleas emake sure they are funny.


Pop:
You know how people have these little habits that get you done. Like Ernie, he liked to chew gum..no not chew, POP. So I came home this one day and im really irritated and im looking for a little sympathy. and theres ernie lying on the couch drinking beer and chewing...no, not chewing POPPING. So i said 'If you POP that gum one more time!'...*sighs* and he did. So I got the shotgun off the wall and fired 2 warnings shots....INTO. HIS. HEAD.

Six:
I met Ezerchial, young at salt lake city about 2 years ago. HE said he was single and we hit it off right away.So we started living together, he would go to work and he would come home and i would fix him up a drink. We would have dinner. Adn then I found, single he told me. SINGLE MY @**. Not onyl was he married, oh no, he had 6 wives. HE was one of those moremans y'know. So that night when he came home form work, I fixed him his drink as usual.
Y'know some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

Squish:
Now im standing in the kitchen, carving chicken for dinner. Minding my own business, in storms my husband wilbert in a jealous rage. "YOU BEEN SCREWING THE MILKMAN" he says, he was crazy. and he kept on on screaming."YOU BEEN SCREWING THE MILKMAN".
And then he ran into my knife, he ran into my knife 10 times.

Sizzle:
My sister Veronica and I had this double act and my husband charlie traveled around with us, now for the last number in our act. we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row. 1,2,3,4,5 Splits, Spread Eagles, Backflips, flip-flops, one right after the other. So this one night before we were down at the hotel, the 3 of us boozing and having a few laughs and we ran out of ice so I go out and get some. I come back open the door and there is veronica and charlie, doing number 17 The Spread Eagle. I was so shocked I blacked out. I cant remember a thing. It will only till l8r when i was washing the blood off my hands did i realise thy were dead.

Lipschitz:
I loved my Lipschitz more then I could possibly say, he was a real artistic guy sensitive, a painter but he was always trying to find himself. He got out every night looking for himself and on the wya he found Ruth, Gladas and Rosemary. You could say we broke becasue of artisitic differences. He saw himself as alive and I saw him as dead.


The point of these....Guess were they came from?

EDIT: That was so obvious.

Chicago.

I don't have quotes to post at the moment.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Chris

Spaceman you're an a$$ ;)

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:love:

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Originally Posted by ff5

Go 6 down, 4 right, and pull at what you find there!

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by FF4

You spoony bard!

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A classic one:
"May the Force be With you"

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Originally Posted by Del Murder

^_^

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*dies laughing*

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Leetza

Shup! :twak:

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It has occured to me that a man need but know two sentences to survive. The first to ask for food; the second to tell a woman he loves her. And if ever he should have to dispose of one, by all means let it be the former. For surely, if you tell a woman you love her, she will feed you.
--From The Walking Drum, by Louis L'Amour

You can't polish a turd
--From Christine, by Stephen King

For I am an unhandsome man, and the romance in my heart does not show past the bend in my nose, or at least the girls don't look any farther.
--From Mustang Man, by Louis L'Amour

But sometimes it's difficult. There are times when "Delight yourself in the Lord" has all the appeal of dirty-dancing with Janet Reno.
--Can't remember, I think the guy's name was Voxx.

50,000 battered women and I'm still eating mine PLAIN?!
--Seen on a T-shirt

When they are young, nubile Hollywood actresses all utter the same idiotic clichés about the artistic value of nudity in movies. Then they expect us to feel sorry for them when parts dry up after they become old and start to sag. Live by the breast, die by the breast.
--How to Talk to a Liberal (if you must), by Ann Coulter

Life is tough. Life is tougher if you're stupid.
--John Wayne

A classic Futurama quote.

Professor: Good news, everyone! I have a package for you to deliver!
Fry: Aww. Can't we just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it?
Bender: Nah, that's too much like hard work. Let's burn it, then say we dumped it in the sewer.

xD

Quote:

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Originally Posted by The Redneck

You can't polish a turd
--From Christine, by Stephen King

Life is tough. Life is tougher if you're stupid.
--John Wayne

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Two of my favorite quotes. Thanks.

Quotes of the Day (originally posted in my lj one at a time)

1. "There is no sweeter music to another person than the sound of his own name. be sure to use it whenever appropriate."

2. "The Heroins can change their classes...

3. "if you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em."

4. "Not a word of this to anyone, O Shrouded one"

5. "'I... loveth thee.. I loveth thee." "Papa loves Mama! Papa loves Mama!'"

6. "Squall is often criticized because he is not the knight in shining armor most people are accustomed to from video games. Because he has flaws. Because he is human. Because he was mean to Rinoa Heartilly for the first two discs."

7. "You just have to show technology who's boss!" "Now I know why I have these stupid muscles"

8. " Gemini VII, this is Gemini VI. We have an object, looks like a satellite going from north to south, probably in polar orbit. . . . Looks like he might be going to reenter soon. Stand by one. . . . You just might let me to pick up that thing.

At that point, the sound of "Jingle Bells" was heard."

9. "He uses these fantastic happy things to slice people."

10. "Darn his clever testicles!

11. "Poor creature. You would throw away hope..."

12. "OK, bee, I see you're after my soda for the sugar. You like sugar, I understand that, it's cool. Here, I'm going to pour out a little puddle of soda for you, and that will be your puddle. I'm going to just hang onto my can, there."

13. "once you've got all the stuff and kicked ozma into submission gold chocobos are only good for turning into roast dinners, and all that exercise you make it extra juicy. (which is also the reason for viv learning fire spells)"

14. "The Chocobo Square suffers from more or less the same issues as the other branches of the Gold Saucer in that rather than offering cute stuffed animals or other fun novelties as prizes, they instead hand out weapons of mass destruction to the holders of winning tickets. It's like something you would expect to find in Iraq, except that there is little to no danger of your chocobo being blown up by a land mine as it races."

15. "Tidus may be a useless little nuisance and Wakka may desperately need to wash his hair, but Auron can do no wrong"

16. "Crystals, we're on our way!"

17. "I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you..."

18. "Today's tutorial is canceled because Mr. N is il. (sic)"

19. "This pointy stick will serve well, even well into the future."

20. "Sometimes you can coerce data by threatening deletion."

21. "(it's easier to imagine oneself stranded in space than stabbed in the back by Sephiroth)

We grasp how much it sucks for both of them."

22. "He has the Ultimate Bayonet in his hand. How dope is that?"

23. "This is why you see all those NPCs wandering around the outside of every town. Its not that they enjoy being outdoors, its that the darn architechts forgot to add doors to the houses, so the characters are forced to be outdoors."

24. "I liked Squall as 'a stupid softie' ~ he was still a badass but hugable;)"

25. "DAMN he makes one sexy keychain! @_@"

Yeah, most of them are ff quotes. There's some from various forums (I only remember that hte bee one is from the Dumbrella forums) a handful of walkthroughs, etc. Maybe some of them were from here.

and there's a few I haven't added to it yet.

A really funny i heard recently by Jennifer Lopez:
"Look,you're gonna like me,or you're not gonna like me!"^_^

I like it, I don't care if you dont, but I like it.

Quote:

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Just who the heck is Lenne?

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Thread header by Meat Puppet: I was abducted by aliens
Quote in said thread by Kawaii Ryukishi: Who initially thought Joel made this thread?

I thought it was funny.

i personally like qoutes that come from cosmo (fairly odd parents)
my favourite is : EVERYTHING tastes better with rabies!!

lolololololol!!! :D
he's just so funny...and stupid!!

These quotes aren't funny. You're a disgrace. All of you.

Fry: Oh hey, I'm having one of those things. Y'know, a headache with pictures.

Professor: Good news, everyones.

Amy: I used to be too cute. So I had cuteness reduction surgery here and here.

Fry: Amy's getting way too serious. First we were just doing stuff, but now she's talking about "hanging out." Everywhere I go, she's there. I go to work, there's Amy. When I'm leaving work, there's Amy. I wake up after sleeping with Amy, there's Amy.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Alixsar

These quotes aren't funny. You're a disgrace. All of you.

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They are funny to us. You got a problem?

"I never forget a face, but for you, I'll make an exception."

"I'd never join a party that would have ME as a member."

"Quote me as being misquoted."

- Groucho Marx


Take care all.

"Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
--Winston Churchill