FINAL FANTASY X-2: THE TRUTH
After playing FFX, you may be under the impression that the sequel, FFX-2, will obviously be a great game as well. You couldn’t be further than the truth. This game sucks. If you disagree, you are wrong.
To show you just how bad this game is, I’m going to go through the bad points of the game (which is also known as ‘all of the game’).
Point 1: THE CHARACTERS
The most obviously bad part of the game. In fact it’s so obvious that it can be seen on every advert that tries to make you buy this filth, and, as if to rub it in even more, the back of the box.
YUNA
The main character. Of sorts. Because usually you manage to get some control over the main character. In this you get no control. I know this because if I had any control over the choices of this character I would stop her from dressing like a hooker and performing borderline-lesbian acts in front of the camera (which is always handily placed in the exact position where you get to see the most of her underage body). She has gone from pausing after every syllable in every word from shouting and laughing very unconvincingly and at every given moment. She has also undergone extensive plastic surgery during the two years of her absence.
YUNA: FFX
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v4...anus/yuna2.png
YUNA: FFX-2
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v4...manus/yuna.jpg
What fame and prostitution can do, eh?
RIKKU
Yuna’s sidekick. Definitely a kick in the sides when you realise how completely unoriginal and pointless this character becomes during the changeover from FFX to FFX-2. Just look at her. Can she BE more slutty? The short answer would be no, but that doesn’t quite cut it. Rikku is in this game for the sole reason that unsociable fanboys with no life can pleasure themselves while playing the game. She makes Yuna look like that spotty girl from school that never shows any of her skin because it’s covered in freckles. Let’s check out the clothing.
Let’s see. Thin yellow bra? Check. Stupidly long scarf (no doubt put in because the censors would have to change this to an 18 if she wore less than 2 items of clothing)? Check. Big belt? Check. Small belt to make the big one look like a skirt? Double Check. Boots to stop her feet from getting cold? Check.
I cannot see why they make her a scarf when they don’t even bother covering the rest of her body with an article of clothing. And do I see traces of a thong? Holy [img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img] Captain, it is! Sometimes I really wonder why the police haven’t taken the creators of this character to jail for possession of crack. Probably because they saw this picture and thought “OmFG GUYZ!!11 l00k at ths1 laydee ShE Has NO CLoTHS LoL!!11” and dropped all charges (as well as their pants)
PAINE
Not much to criticise about this character, probably because she says an altogether of about 3 lines in the game. And these are either “…”, “Shut up”, or “Yuna can I have sex with you.”. The next thing is her hair. “Hey guys I’m 18 and have GREY HAIR! I must have been another clone of Big Boss, I guess! Maybe that’s why I look like a guy so much!”
Of course, she wouldn’t say this because she reaches her sentence limit when she reaches the word ‘18’.
Strangely, even though she wears barely anything either, she wears the most out of all the 3 girls. Gotta love the goth chic.
Point 2: THE STORY
If you can call it a story, that is. This game goes from farfetched to ludicrous to ape[img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img]. Usually games mess around with you for a while with sub-plots and tutorials before they hit you with the main plotline. This game says ‘screw that’ to regular storylines, and decides to continue with no story at all. It hits you straight away with a vague hint at an attempt at a storyline. From what I gathered, you have to find some spheres that will somehow save a guy that obviously died in the previous instalment. The sphere that tells you this is a crappy old one with bad quality picture with Tidus in it, shouting something. Of course, it’s not Tidus is it? It’s him. Silly me. But did it at any point cross these girls’ minds that the sphere could have been taken WHILE HE WAS STILL IN SPIRA? Didn’t think that one out, did you? They were probably too busy concentrating on their next making-out session.
That’s all I managed to salvage from the plot. The rest was so stupid that there is no point mentioning it.
The game shoots itself in the foot once more with the back cover. Usually a game features a small blurb on the back telling you the plotline. Square hit a snag with this game. There is no plotline, so what to put there? “I know, lets stick a bigass picture of Yuna’s behind there to try and divert attention once again from the actual game!”
Blurb on back of FFX:
The magical world of Spira is under threat from Sin – an evil entity that unleashes havoc, terror, and destruction. Join Tidus, a heroic blitzball superstar, and Yuna, a courageous girl skilled in the art of summoning, as they embark on an epic quest to defeat Spira’s deadliest enemy. Only the Final Summoning can defeat Sin and bring peace back to Spira.
Blurb on the back of FFX-2:
Discover the truth behind Yuna’s story. (In very small text) The story continues with the first sequel ever in the critically acclaimed Final Fantasy Series. As the winds of change sweep through Spira, new dangers await – and somewhere, somehow, a friend may still be alive.
Oh really? If you strip the self-applauding crap, you are left with – “New dangers await – and somewhere, somehow, a friend may still be alive.”
Note everything after ‘Story’ is in very small text and shoved into the corner of the box to stop you seeing it and laughing.
Point 3: THE BATTLES
These decide whether the game is hard or not. Failed again, Square! The battles in this game are so piss-easy that you can get through EVERY FIGHT IN THE GAME by just taping down X. As an extra bonus, this saves you from the endless drivel that are cutscenes, so you don’t hang yourself in despair.
The fights are usually quick and painful. They are quick because of two things.
1. You want to get through this quickly so you can finish the game and end this torture.
2. They are so goddamn easy.
Seriously, the first battle in the game is harder than the final boss – some idiot who is the spitting image of the horrendously annoying protagonist from FFX. He has the same moves too, which is only good in a way that it makes you reminisce about that old game called Final Fantasy X. It seems so far away now.
The battle system is a joke too. Let’s make the animations as erotic as we can to add to the sales! And what’s more, why oh why do they have to say something hilariously unfunny AT THE START AND END OF EVERY GODDAMN BATTLE! I find myself turning the sound onto mute after a while because my attempts at shutting them up by shouting my lungs out at the screen don’t seem to work.
And then there are the bosses themselves. Boris? WTF? Vegnagun? Sounds like something out of the never-before-seen episode of Transformers. (They cut it out because the episode was crap)
Point 4: THE MINI GAMES
Unfortunately, Square had to pack in as many of these things as they could to fill up replay value/disk space.
CHOCOBO TRAINING
Takes an enormous amount of time and you get pretty much bugger all from doing it. If I want a soft, I’ll go and buy it at the shop in the airship, not send a chocobo I had just spent ages to catch halfway across the world, only for it to run away because it is too thick to find its way home.
CALM LANDS GAMES
I played each of these once and wasted a few hours of my life and some of my hard earned cash. Sky Slots: OMG how original. Reptile Run: More complicated to understand than Lupine Dash: Horse racing without the horses. Or the fun.
GUNNERS’ GAUNTLET
This was just strange. How come I can kill these bastards in one shot after literally filling these things with lead in battles? And now I have limited ammo? It wasn’t helped by the total arsehole who run this game.
“You gonna do the gunner’s gauntlet?”
“Yes.”
“SHUT THE HELL UP BITCH”
Point 4: THE SOUNDTRACK
Jesus Christ. Now we’re getting ridiculous. Once referred to as ‘perpetual screeching’, this ‘soundtrack’ consists of one piece of music remixed and remixed and remixed again until it can no longer be remixed, so they have to think of a new tune, which turns out to be worst than the last one - Yet another reason to turn the volume to mute.
The battle music just sucked. I preferred the music for FFI, thanks. At least it had some kind of jingle, unlike the SUPERMEGATECHNOREMIX that is the battle and boss musics.
Then there were the songs. Europop anyone? Any one of these songs could be entered in the Eurovision song contest and win. The singer was fine, but the tune was awful. More techno remixation.
Conclusion
All in all, this game just took the biscuit. If you have not got this game and were somehow thinking of buying it, take a step back, and just walk away slowly. If you have actually got the game, I pity you, and feel your pain. Just lock it up in the cupboard and crash Square-Enix’s computers with hatemail. That will send them back to their Hentai porn videos.
