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08.09.01
_________________
Life is so hollow. >=]
I find myself wondering why exactly we exist, and how. What happens when we die? Do we simply cease to exist, never to exist again? Do we exist forever in void? Is there an afterlife? Is there reincarnation?
Due to my "religion," atheist-agnosticism, I'm fairly sure there's no logical way afterlife or reincarnation could exist. I think that when our brain stops (read, we die.) there is no way we could exist beyond that. And I find that pretty uncomforting. I hope I'm wrong, but I have the notion I'm not. Depressing, I know.
Frankly, though, I try not to let it bother me. There's absolutely nothing I can do about it, so as a result, I'm not going to lose too much sleep over it. It is a fairly depressing thing to think about now and then, though. As a result, I've been a bit down lately. Rather, I've been slightly more down then normal. I'm getting over it, though.
Tomorrow is my day off. I hate to say it, but summer really kinna sucks. I'm not sure which I prefer- work, or school. I only go to work three days a week, and I get to be around... interesting people, so I'm thinking I like work more. I've always found that I become anxious for school, and then when school comes, I wonder why in the Hell I felt that way and rushed myself out of summer. Bah.
I think this school year is going to be different, though. It'll be high school, and I'll finally be free of the morons I've been stuck with for 9 years. Or, rather, some of the morons. I'd just as soon I could avoid every one of the idiots in my class, but that's impossible. I will be free of them all one period of the day, though- my sophomore level computing class that I'm taking as a Freshman. As a result, I'll be surrounded by Sophomore Idiots and Junior Idiots as opposed to Freshman Idiots. It's a change of pace, at least. And the class will be laughable at best. To the best of my knowledge, all that's covered in it is HTML. I could probably teach the teacher. Heh heh heh... Ambition is a wonderful thing. Maybe I'll actually be noticed by school officials this year.
I'm rambling. It's fairly unlike me to even bother with this- and it's especially unlike me to ramble about such pointless things as computer classes and work. Interesting.
*Note: I'm actually wondering whether I should post in here or not...seen as I've never done so before, but now the forum has been "Re-Vamped" I guess now's a good a time as any. I am allowed to I trust...?*
9.8.01. (English Dating...)
Hmm. I've been feeling depressed for exactly 21 hours and 32 minutes now due to numerous reasons. I've seen some strange things today which I feel reluctant to discuss. I have work again and this is my fifth week in this job. I'm finding it very hard to adjust to the working hours...I feel tired, and doing other things when I get home is becoming increasingly difficult as the days go by. I don't seem to have the energy anymore. Doing my favourite things seems like a big chore.
I feel somewhat reluctant to share my ideas and feelings with everyone in this forum, but EoFF is a nice place, and I'm quite sure I'll get some positive feedback.
You know when you work your ass off for ages in work, and you get absolutely nothing back in turn...know that feeling? Well, I feel like that right now. Everyone seems so uncaring.
Mind you, If I stay loyal to my job, I'm sure they'll give me privileges sometime in the future. It's sad when you work and work and work and then get treated as a mere brewing up boy. :(
Life seems pointless just now. Work is taking over everything else and I have nothing to look forward to.
Let's hope my next post in here will be...more positive.
*Ends with a sigh*
*cries at his lost child, and hugs the newborn*
*Realizes that this thread became a whole forum*
8/9/01 (morning)
Meh.
The day begins... not really good. Not for me, for my friend.
I have so many things to say... but... I can't.
I already wrote so many things here.
Now I'm waiting.
9/8/01
09:19am
At work, got nothing to do so am messing with spreadsheets and monitoring Fora.
Thankfully I only have a half day here, and I'm out at 12 midday.
Until then, I'm hoping that my boss will go away for more training after her meeting so I can get some peace.
I'll pass time with Jon by going to the canteen for Battles to the Death for Great Justice, and rolls.
9/8/01
10:04AM
At work also, but both my boss and his boss are on holiday, so I might as well be. :D
Britt, I was in that "teaching the teacher" sitch back in the middle ages; it may not be a good thing. I was doing an electronics and such course for my old job, but because it was tied to an actual qualification, we had to do a maths module. It was really basic stuff, and when the instructor found out I was an ex maths student, I was an instant target. He'd spend at least as much time marking my exam papers as he did on everyone else put together, looking for something, anything to dock me some marks for. Then he'd come out with stuff like "98%, bit of a disappointment". It's a distinction, it's good enough for me!
I'll probably hang out in here until lunch, possibly think about doing some work this afternoon when I've woken up.
8-8-01
__________
Hopes downed. My neighbor said he had the other million dollar Monopoly piece, but when we went to get it, his grandma had thrown them all away. >_< Oh well. I'm being dragged to the public pool day, after day, after day. I don't like swimming, and it's excruciatingly hot. I just sit on a bench and read Shadows of the Empire all day. I rarely get to see my best friend, because my other friend's family comes over every day and trashes our house because my friend's parents are divorcing. I know this sounds inconsiderate, but I'm really sick of seeing him. Every single day, all day, for 2 weeks and 3 days now. I'm starting bass guitar lessons soon, and I have a really cool black and white electric one. It's ace. :D Well, my life's pretty boring, so this is me, signing off for today.
07 . 09 . 01 :
Illness :
I feel ill. Again. I tend to feel ill a lot lately. I don't know if it's due to the heat or my current circumstances between myself and a really close friend.
Symptoms : Dizzy, light-headed, stomach churning, extreme moodniess, loss of appetite, blank stare occasionally.
Diagnoses : One messed up girl. Yet, I fail myself again and I have to laugh.
Work:
I woke up today... I'm glad I can go to work. I have no idea why. People tend to shun work and see it as a tiresome chore. I love working! I love the people I work with, I love the people who I see when I work. It's amazing. I feel I have worth within the community... even though I'm only working at McDonalds. I still feel good though, that maybe I made a difference in someone's life by making them a fry and a shake? Lol. It's so silly. ^_^; I must have been dropped as a small child.
Hopes :
Everyday I new hope is born or relit. Today, I just hope I can get through the day without major confliction. I have a huge headache and I feel as though I'd just break down.
I hope I get a hug today. I don't receive them anymore but it'd be nice to have a LARGE and comfy one.
I hope it cools down. The heat is strangling me. I've become extremely lethargic and tempermental due to this humid weather.
I hope I go to bed smiling.
I hope everyone is okay. Especially 2 certain people... one's been feeling down lately and the other is upset because of my stupid actions. I hope they know I never wanted to be this way intentionally. I hope they know I'm sorry for what I did... It's so hard to confess that to them. I don't know why. I feel so little when I talk to them, so insecure ... it's so hard to say what I really mean. I'm an oxymoron. I'm so sorry.
08-09-01
10:28 AM
*sigh* I'm getting into the internet too much again. It's all well and good that I'm getting music, which I love, but that's only one facet of my life, and I've been neglecting the other facets. Went out to see Rush Hour 2 with friends yesterday. It was fun, but that's about all I do with them nowadays. Ug. I need to get out and make new friends. Good thing I'm going to college, I think.
I think. College is a daunting event on the horizon. Both attracts and repels (Ibsen's The Lady of the Sea, anyone?). Hopefully the time with my extended family and old friends will help my depression, but I can't get my hopes up. Hanging with the same friends is grating on my emotional barriers. I find myself attracted to people I oughtn't to be attracted to; people I said I wouldn't be. Maybe going away is a good idea.
I cling to my faith as a life preserver. It's all I think I have, sometimes.
Sorry if this goes off topic, but if us who have LiveJournals, can we just copy and paste our latest entries? Or should we just tell people to go to our LiveJournals?
8/9
I got up and ran 7 miles this morning, but my achilles is bothering me. We are going bowling tonight with work, it should be ok. I only have 6 more days of work...thank god. My job is easy and fun, but I have to stay at school to work. I can't wait to go home.
August 9, 2001
12:40 PM
I wonder why I'm writing this here. No one is going to care or notice, and I have my little thing at Diary-X, so why am I posting in a journal thread? I guess I'm too lazy to go into the site... heh.
Hmmm... about eight or nine days left till I pack up the computer and move out. Joy. I haven't moved in ten years, so I'm not really used to it. It'll be okay, I guess; the house is really nice, and my dad's girlfriend (the person we're moving in with) did an ace job on my bedroom. It's very... purple. :D My own private room... I think I can get used to that. It's a lot better than being out in the open, having everyone barge in on me all the time.
One thing that's going to be hard getting used to is school. I'm a junior this year... in a new school. Everyone keeps telling me that I'll be fine. Dad says I should be "excited." I don't like going to new places where I don't know anyone. I'm really quiet and shy. I suck at making friends with people. Oh well... I should look on the bright side. I get to start over. Hopefully I won't be miserable like at my old school...
Which reminds me... I gotta sign out soon. And get my report card; they never sent it to me! I wonder what I failed... =P And then I have to register at the new place... and sign up for classes. I hope there are still some fun electives available... I'd hate to get stuck with a second study hall. I wish we did this in June. *sighs*
I've felt so sick lately... I keep feeling nauseous... blah. Yesterday, I wondered if I actually had butterflies in my stomach due to being lovesick... ha. I found that funny for some reason... ah well, I bet it's just from lack of sleep or something. I stayed up till 2:30 AM on Tuesday in that voice chat... got about three hours of sleep afterwards. So I felt like crap all day yesterday.
Okay... that's enough outta me.
Thursday, August 9, 2001 1:23 PM
I never wrote anything here before. I might as well give it a shot.
Life sucks in general. But it always has, so it doesn't bother me much. I'm looking forward to college; I hate being here. But when I get to college, I'll be looking forward to coming home again, I'm certain. It's always like that. Life is all about tricking yourself into thinking things will get better when they won't. Hope is worth next to nothing, but next to nothing is a bit better than nothing at all, right?
musashius: Post something here. Don't just post a link, please. That'd be kind of pointless. Copy your LiveJournal entries if you must. Or make something else up. :) Or just don't post here, if you don't want.
08.09.01
1:17 PM
After my sixteen years of existence, I've come to a conclusion: Everything really sucks. Not only is it the temperature of a small toaster oven in here, and I hate the heat, but things are just... bad.
Fighting with people sucks. It really does. I hate arguing, especially with close friends. But I'm going to drop it. I've gotta let people make their own mistakes.. I shouldn't be so medling, and I'm sorry for that.
As usual, I'm somewhat happy to be going back to school. I'm looking forward to actual things happening, and I'm not too... well, everything else.
I have a feeling grade 11 isn't going to be too much fun... In order to avoid hideous Chemistry (Now way in bloody hell am I taking that again) I was forced into... Parenting. -_- Well, my best friend Laura took that too... and even though she's a year older, the Parenting class is still in the old curriculum, so there's a good chance we'll be in the same class. That would be cool. On the other hand, I'm really looking forward to Art, Biology, and Graphic Arts. I hope I get cool teachers... Too bad Mr. Brydges is gone.. He was a nut (Icecream has no bones? O_o), but an awesome art teacher. Even if he did make us draw corn for a week because we wouldn't stop talking. XP Ah, Art class ruled last year.
I'm not looking forward to the usual petty fighting between my friends though. Definately not. Maybe this year they'll grow up a bit... But then again, maybe not. And if Harley pulls the same crap he did last year, he'll be eating out of a straw for the rest of his days. >_<
On the bright side, I got 2 guinea pigs (I found the correct spelling. ^_^) today. My brother's is mostly white, with some black on the head, and mine's mostly black, with some white on it's back. Mine's a baby. Still have no idea what to name it. Suggestions appreciated. :)
Overall, I'm kinda in a null mood. O_o I've been kinda blank lately, but I always get like that when bad stuff happens... Ah well, another day, another year... It's all the same. *jams to Black Balloon*
August 9, 2001 - 12:53 PM CST
I'm supposed to be at work right now. I got home a little while ago. My supervisor sent me home after a half day because I was basically caught up with everything, and she thought I looked rather ill and dead on my feet.
I think it's accumulated sleep deprivation and mental stress; which are almost the same problem, it's the stress which keeps me from sleeping. Yes, I don't go to bed until rather late, but I don't need more than 6 hours to feel completely refreshed. I've been clocking 2 or 3 hours of sleep all week, and that isn't enough for me to be fully functional at work.
Last night, I was online until 2:30 AM... my goal was to be in bed by one, but I had two pretty intense conversations going, that I couldn't leave. Finally, one had dwindled, and the other one just pissed me off, so I left.
One of those conversations with with an ex of mine... the first man I ever loved, and who loved me in return. He and I have been talking again for a while now, since May; we broke up early last Fall. Last night, he tried talking to me, but I wasn't really talking back, because I was talking to a lot of people, and I was just in a rather un-hyperactive mood. I tried telling him about my life now, what's new for me, what's old for me, how I'm doing... and he snapped and started saying very hateful things to me, malicious lies that really, deeply wounded me.
I guess that means we aren't friends anymore.
Now I'm home, and supposed to be 'resting', but I can't sleep in broad daylight. Maybe if the storms come, it'll be dark enough with cloud cover for me to sleep.
My moods have been swinging to dramatically, I almost feel manic-depressive. It seems to vary with the level of thinking I do. Right now, I'm not really in a good or bad mood, I'm too tired, I'm just kind of here, I guess. All in all, though, life is pretty good for me at this point.
The only other thing weighing on my mind, is that August 22nd I have my regular 4-month checkup with my oncologist, and my regular 8-month CT scan. I always start to worry, or more accurately, get terrified, as my appointments get closer. Suddenly I start getting 'symptoms', and I am usually rather anxious until it's over. With how run down I've been lately, I can only hope it's only because of my trouble sleeping. I really don't want to be sick again. Heck, my schedule's far too full for cancer. I do have my priorities.
Ahh, I've rambled a long time here, but I think that's rather the point. I'll stop anyway.
~Becky
Captain's Log, Stardate 9-8-2001
Captain Jean Luc Burtsplurt (yeah, you have a problem??)
We have encountered the Borg... but left them alone and went shopping instead. Bought a new amplifier (ridiculously loud) and I was extremely embarassed in the shop as I played a load of rubbish in order to test it out (even if they all sound the same to be... apart from the all important volume). Got home and played with a couple of friends. I am suitably impressed.
Journal ends.
August Ninth, Two Thousand One. Three Fifty-five PM.
First day of school today! This is the part where I talk about people you'll never care about or meet. =D
Ok, so my friend Mikey and I arrive at around 6:50 AM and immediately meet up with my friends Erik and Chip(Hey, you know Chip! He's TheChronoCross, err, used to be.). We sit and talk for a little while, and compare schedules. We then proceed into the EXTREMELY packed main hallway and hunt for our homeroom teachers. We all have different ones. Nuts. We walk around a bit more, and I meet up with my friend Matt. We stop and talk to him when the bell rings. I go upstairs and around the corner to my homeroom, where the first person I see is my former nemesis Meagan Perry. She lived on my street for like, 10 years, and we spited eachother a lot. Well, guess what. She's hot now. So, anyways, I chat it up with her about our schedules yadda yadda yadda. Turns out we have Biology together. Wee. We sit through homeroom until we get our revised schedules. WOOT! I got Driver's Ed! Then the bell rings, and we head to first block.
First block time. I take a seat next to my friend Matt from earlier. We talk a bit and I see some familiar faces enter. Two of them happened to be gorgeous Phillipino girls I had a crush on last year. Makes me happy. =D Our teacher, Mrs. Thorsten, seems very laid back, so Geometry should be a breeze this semester. The bell rings. On to second block!
I head down the hallway to my World History class where I meet up with my friends Sam and Charlie. First thing the teacher does is split us up. Grr. Turns out she's gonna be a wench. I can handle one wench. She assigns textbooks yadda yadda yadda. The bell rings. On to third block!
Thiiird block. Keyboarding. ICKY POOPOO. Turns out I can take a proficiency test on Monday and actually skip the entire course and go straight to Computer Apps. SWEET. Looks like I'll have to practice my home row typing this weekend if I want to skip the most boring class on my schedule. The bell rings. LUNCH TIME.
I go downstairs for lunchy lunch. By the time I get to our usual hangout, Matt has finished his pizza. I scarf down a chicken sandwich when Sam arrives. Whoopty poo. Not the greatest lunch ever. The bell rings. Baaack to third period.
We sit around and talk for a while, since there were more students than computers. The bell rings. On to fourth block.
I zoom upstairs and look for my Aunt, who just started teaching at my school this year. She wasn't in her room, so I went to French 2. Turns out Sam and some idiot from my keyboarding class are in there too. At least they're someone to hang out with. Then my first love since the beginning of time walked in. Jill. Oh my, God. Jill. Here's some background on Jill. We went to the same daycare together for 5 years. We graduated kindergarden together. She was my first legit kiss. =D Anyways, she's gorgeous now. Woohoo! She sits next to me. Woohoo! We chat it up. Woohoo! She's wearing a very NICE outfit. Woohoo! Fourth block kicks ass. The bell rings. I go downstairs and wait for my friend Mikey. We walk next door to the school, Burger King, and wait for Mikey's mom to pick us up. I come home, empty my bowels, have a little comp trouble, then type this.
F I N
Time: Four-o-eight PM.
Yesterday, aka the 9th of August, started out like any normal day, and when I got to school and caught up with Balls for a little bit, I went onto the cpu to check my e-mails. Em was online! O_o She had had an awesome day, etc, and that made me happy... but for some reason, every question I asked, she wouldn't answer :( so I got a li'l depressed, considering she's still pretty much moving on, and I for some reason can't.
I spent most of the rest of the school day mopin' a bit, but then I talked to Usa, and got cheered up. She had had a day of mixed feelings too, so y'no how it is when you can relate, you just talk about anything. We did, twas kew :)
After that, work... boring, same old same old (but I got a free pav!). Got home, and desperately needed to ring someone. I rang around five people, including a couple of national toll calls, but couldn't get through to anyone I wanted... so, I rang Em. Talked to Daisy for a bit, too, which was kew (she's so funny), and Em and I spent the night teasin' each other and discussing how Daniel's in the UK are fat, but over here they're all thin. :p I babbled SO much that night.
Now, this mornin', I hope to chat to her again... we'll see. Anyhow, gotta go - bells rung :D
Life is great. I aint gonna sit here and bitch and moan about all this weird crap that hurts people's brains to read about. I don't care why I'm here, or what's gonna happen to me when I die, all I wanna do is live this life as good as possible.
Today I woke up at 12:30 (ahah, I woulda slept in longer but my sister woke me up because I had a phone call). It was a friend from outta town, he wanted me to come into London(Ontario), but I couldn't get a ride, so I said I might later when one of my friends gets off work and then he'll drive us. Yeah. So then I went to Mcydies and picked up a flurry on my way to a game of bball with a few friends. We won the game 11-6. ahhhh, I came home and it's 4:45 PM, and I got to wait til' 7PM til I go to London. Life aint so bad if you don't want it to be. Oh, I also laughed a bit when I thought about how some people don't go outside(by reading threads at EoFF). Oops, did I say that out loud? Yeah, I did.
Drex: I wish you'd talk to me about these things sometimes. I realize you have your own way of dealing with things, but I see that you're depressed and then I feel helpless to do anything about it. :( There may not be much that I can do, but at least I can listen and offer advice. I may be a total goofball sometimes, but believe it or not I do have my head on fairly straight, and I might be able to help more than you think. :)
-------------------
08-09-01
5:35 PM
Two more days of summer school left. I have mixed feelings about it ending; not that I want it to go on longer (goodness KNOWS I'm looking forward to this whole mess ending), but I just wish I had more time to pull my grade up. Unless I ace my final, I'll be taking Algebra II again next year. :( ...But in a way, is that so bad? Which is better, that I go into Alg III/Trig not knowing what I'm doing, or that I take Alg II a second time and hopefully pass with a much better grade and a much better understanding? I don't know.
I'm looking forward to spending nearly a week in NY with a friend of mine at the end of this month. :) We've been trying to get together for an extended visit for...about two years now, I think. She and her mother are very sweet, generous people.
...Buuut, I'm trying to balance all this 'fun' stuff with the ton of summer work I've left to do. >< I'm nearly finished with my AP Psych reading assignment, but now I have to write a report on ten of the cases in the book, one page per case. That's really not so bad. But then I have to finish a huge Creative Writing packet. Much more challenging.
Overall, I'm looking forward to next year. I'll finally be able to sing in choir, AP Psych will help me have a better understanding of myself and others (not to mention give me some fuel for my writing), and I'll be getting ready for college. ^_^
Health
I feel great, at times, and yet i feel sick as hell. symptons are ---> stomach ack, a stomach that seems like its going on a ride on a rollercoaster! huge head acts, tired and sleep, can't sleep well, moody as hell.
Activities and heat don't mix
Well i've decided to skip my open gym the whole week for volleyball as people are getting sick just standing out in the heat and actually being that active in practice would have ended up with me in the hospital nearly dead, i don't exactly feel like going out in this heat of 103 in my school gym with anywhere from 15-30 of the girls on the team running around, doesn't sound very wise at the moment.
Main activity of the day
Staying home! i went outside for a few minutes and decided there was no way i could take the heat, so most of my dad is at home so far just talking to a few people online and playing with my hair and nails, lol.
Hope for tomorrow
I hope it to be cooler! i an't wait until we get some rain and it could down some, i'm hoping i cna go back to open gym by next week, but not if its like this, no way!
August 9th, 2001
___________________________________
Today, I remembered the simple things in life.
I get my old skateboard out of my closet. I never learned to ride it, never wanted to. I walk with it to a hill nearby. For the first time in years, I sit down on it, legs crossed legs. Praying that I won't wipe-out on my first try, I nervously push with my arms.
For the next 3 hours, I shove myself off this hill, taking about 2 minutes to get down, 5 minutes to climb up. Boy, I miss being a little kid.
8/9/01 7:14 PM PT
______________
Well, today was okay, I must say. It was fine actually. Nothing really happened... It's just normal....... Kinda, normal.
My life's changing. I mean, I used to be the little girl who used to play with barbies but know I'm doing harder homework, hardly having any time to have any fun. I've started my pueberty for a year, knowing it will all end in 8 hellish years. My face is clearing from zits, whiteheads, blackheads, or whatever you'll call my acne. I guess I'll browse my favorite forum now......
_________
Any advice of such may be pmed to me!;)
August 10th, 2001 - 12:34 AM
I'll write about yesterday, the ninth, since I haven't done much in the 34 minutes of today.
My mom woke me up early to go and get my MMR shot. We got there, got it done, left. Went to get some breakfast, then we went to Wal Mart. Man, was it fun in there. The only people there were the staff and various old people. I had a lot of fun, even though it was just my mom and I. It was...a different feeling.
I worked on my RPG a lot, seeing as how the summer is winding down. I still feel as if I didn't acomplish anything during break. Maybe I wasn't supposed to. Maybe I don't want to. Who knows.
Earlier tonight, I had some...different thoughts going through my head. It was thought of somewhat insignifigance here. I don't know why, though. It may just be the vaccine from earlier messing with my head. (just kidding, I know it wouldn't do that)
I doubt I'm gonna get to do much the rest of the summer. With getting my bedroom painted, getting ready for school, and a fair coming up (with my cousin coming to my house), I don't have a lot of time.
Don't get me wrong, I do kind of look forward to going to school again. Especially with going to the Jr. High. New people, new faces, new classes. The only thing I'll have to deal with is a few prick eighth graders, but that won't be too hard.
*sigh* I'm starting to think that I overthink things sometimes.
8/10
Thank god, I have only 5 more days of work. Then I am going home. I will not be posting for a couple weeks, but then again no one will really care. I can't wait to go home and see all my friends. It is not as hot today which is good. It was over 100 degress yesterday, that was terrible, I ran 5 miles and I thought I was gonna die. Luckily I had already done 7 in the morning. Ok that is all for now.
Alright, I thought I'd give this board a shot...
*August 10, 2001 11:55am - Strife*
A chilling wind blows past my house, bringing in overcast skies and rain. It's really become quite dreary here with nothing but clouds for the past week. As I type the thunder rolls through the house's walls with all of its might and splendor. Inside my house, I sit in front of my parent's computer (Duh, I guess.).
(And now to get out of the whole descriptive thing...) And this computer...I swear it came from hell!!! We just got a cable modem installed about a week ago. Already, the computer has been acting like a little piece of crap, and now, with the cable modem, it's been acting rather buggy. But this, this computer is only the beginning of my strife.
Friends in the real world (as compared to the 'net world) have almost seem to deserted me ever since summer started. I've had no one call me at all that has been home all this time, and I haven't been able to get ahold of them either. But when the school year starts up, I will hopefully have my friends back.
I hate school. They give you work to do over the summer if you're enrolled in any of the Honors classes here. I still have two books to read with about a week and a half to go. The only reason I haven't started on those books yet is because they go against the whole purpose of summer to a teen. Summer is made to be a time of rest for us teens. And if they're gonna take it away by giving us extra work due at the beginning of next year...then I vote to not do it until the absolute last minute. That's just the way I am.
And now, for the last of my troubles... My parents are taking away my PSX and my own PC to "make sure I make the grade" in school. Well, after all the troubles I had last year, I'd rather work than not. Unfortunately, my parents are also taking away my project by taking my computer: my RPG The Darkness Within . I've been working on it for several months now, and my parents are now giving me a huge delay of 6 weeks, minimum. It's almost up to FF1 quality, but not quite.
And so, I leave this typing field with only one thing left to say. "The only dependable thing about the future is uncertainty."
First time I posted here. Hehe. Here it goes:
8/10/01
My high school informed me I wasn't assigned a locker. What kind of ghetto high school is this!! Sheesh, so I ended up sharing lockers with my friend. Last year I had no problems..... sigh.
I can't believe summer is almost over. This reeks!
Right now I'm downloading FFX videos, I hope none of them are spoilers. LOL.
Linus' Journal, Day 2.
I'll do the whole rundown of school. Every day. My posts will ikely get annoying after the fifth one or so.
Wake up, groom myself, blah blah blah. Head to the side of the drink machines when I get to school, just like every day last year. Have a chat about Freshman with my friends. Bell rings.
Homeroom. Boring. Bell rings.
First block. Geometry. We fill out these little "How do I learn?" worksheets and make spider graphs with the results. I'm an idealist. Aaaanyways, we do that stuff for about an hour, then start work on fractals. Fractals are patterns that repeat themselves infinitely. They're pretty neat. The short Phillipino girls move closer to me. Woot. Bell rings.
Second block. World History. This teacher is going to be a pain. In minutes, she made us practically empty our bookbags and do 5 things at once. On top of that, she gave mondo homework. Blech. Bell rings.
Lunch time. Get a chicken sandwich, chomp chomp chomp. Bell rings.
Third block. Keyboarding. We do typing shtuffs. My record with home row is 30 WAM. My record with my typing is 70 WAM. I'm gonna take a test on Monday and exempt the class. =D Bell rings.
Fourth block. French 2. Normal French review, blah blah blah. I get moved closer to two pretty hot girls. Score again. After French, Jill (remember her? =D) and I walked and talked down the hallway until we got to her stairs. I said bye, she said have a nice weekend, smiled, and left. (Wink wink!) Aaaanyways.
After school, Mikey and I walk up to Burger King, where I see my childhood friend Meagan Noe. SHE HAS GROWN. Especially in the chest area. Her + Low-cut shirt + bending over = Temporary blindness. Oh my God. (Drool.) We chatted up and she hugged me. I had to lean over to get my arms around her. ;)
Anyways, I'm home now, and I finished this entry ten minutes faster. Hoo-ha!
PS PLZ PM ME WIT COMENTS I LIEK 2 TALK ABOT SKOOL
Summer break - Day X
So, I realise I'm not happy this summer. I'm not exactly sad, but I will be If I don't do something other than sit at home playing Breath of Fire 4 all day. Which, quite frankly, is unlikely. I'm so lazy. There really is no point in calling for my friends, because there is nothing we can do in this troutty little village we live in. It has the amenities of an empty room, with a lot more idiots in it.
*sigh* I can't go on the internet in the day, and If I could, would It be fun? No, it would get boring, of course. I'm left wondering.. 'how long can I keep this up?'.... I'll run out of things to do, and then I'll be stuck watching Kerrang! TV all day, wallowing in my own self pity, and cursing at the television every time Limp Bizkit is played. A lot of good that'll do for my self esteem, eh?
Hmph... well, whatever. That seems to be my word of recent weeks. It pretty much sums up my attitude.
8/10/01
To make things short:
WOW
I'm in High Cotton now. But I love it.
8/10/2001
*waves to Vivi*
*G*
Today...the most amazing thing happened. *is still going "Wow."*
I'm in High Cotton as well...but it's worth it. :p
Phoenix
Friday, August 10, 2001 - 6:35 PM CST
Friday is always great; it means I get two days with no work. Today, work was pretty stressful, we were way understaffed. I had to not only fill in as the receptionist, but still do my normal data entry AND train a new girl. Meh.
I was really energized today and I dont' know why. I wasn't sleeping til 3:30am last "night", and got up a mere 3.5 hours later. But, I was in a great mood all day. Still am.
Wow, I have a lot less to write about when I'm not depressed... heh.
Let's see...yeah, I have nothing else. I rather like that change of pace.
~Becky
August 11th, 2001 1:44AM
Hmm. I woke up today...erm, yesterday pretty late, and didn't do much during the day. My parents are off camping, so it's my sister and I until Sunday.
I worked on RM2k a lot, yet again. There's this new type of thing I tried out. Who knows, I might have invented a new way of usage in it.
Today, I found out how immature people can be. In chat, we were saying ages, and when I said 12, these two annoyances, who will remain unnamed, were insulting me just for my age. Sure, it's okay for an occasional joke from friends online, but the way they did it was insulting. But the people themselves that were doing it were totally immature. They had been using extremely harsh language the whole time they were there. I think the only reason they weren't booted was because I'm not sure if the ops were there at the time.
Another day, another thought. I really need to stop doing these so late at night. (or so early in the morning, whatever way you think about it.)
8/11
SWEET! I just got woken up by my girlfriend who called me from Spain. I only got to talk to her for 15 minutes, but it was really good. I get to see her in about a week and a half. Anyway that is about it. Too excited for anything else.
08-11-01
12:26 PM
Heh. My Alg II teacher just told us yesterday that we can bring a 3x5 index card with formulas, examples of problems, etc. to our final exam on Monday. Maybe I stand a chance at passing after all. :D
I've decided that I can't wait for this summer to be over. oO I guess I've just about had it with stress and whatever, and I'm hoping that starting school in September will give my life a little more structure.
...Although it probably won't take the stress off. >< After all, I'm going to be busy; busy applying to colleges, busy working (to save money for college), busy trying to collect as many scholarships and grants as I possibly can. Plus, in addition to my schoolwork I'll be copy editor for our school literary magazine. And I expect that choir will also take up a lot of my time (between independent and group practice, plus concerts). It's for the best; whenever I have too much free time, I start feeling depressed. I've been 'well' for about three or four months now, and I'd like to stay that way.
Saturday, August 11, 2001 - 12:17 PM CST
I woke up 15 minutes ago when the phone rang. Silly video store, calling to remind me I have an overdue movie...
Last night I was in a great mood, which lasted until around, oh, 4:30 AM when my computer abruptly died. I messed with it for a while, but couldn't get it to work, so rather than resuming reading the fora and chatting, I went to sleep. Bah.
I love Saturdays. Any day when I can sleep past 7 AM is a great one, in my book. The one plus side to my job is the set work schedule, it doesn't vary week to week. But, the down side, is that I have to awaken at 7 AM in order to make it on time. Meh.
I'm looking for threads to post for, that I haven't already shared my opinion, and I'm running out. I really need to become more creative and think of original topics to post.
General Chat - "Are you evil?" ...Heh. Nifty.
Let's see, what else? My family comes home a week from yesterday. Then I have them for a week before I move to school, so, I'll not be on the computer at all. I'm not looking forward to their return; I rather like living alone. Oh, well; it's only for a week, then I get to be back at school. Yay.
I think this is quite enough, for now.
~Becky
Don't ask me why I sign this. I have no idea.
I find myself wondering if anyone actually sits down and reads these whole things. Hmm...
4:44pm CDT, Saturday August 11th.
Okay, so I'm wiped out again. Not really physically-I got a good seven hours of sleep last night- but mentally and emotionally. I'm just tired of stress; tired of appointments; tired of deadlines. Why do people care so much about going so fast? Isn't the whole point of life to try and enjoy it a little?
This morning, the nicest thing happened. Time slowed down. Have you ever noticed that sometimes, the minutes fly by, while other times they crawl? Well, for once time slowed when I wanted it to- the middle of the night and early morning. I wake up periodically in the night, and when I did and checked my clock, I was pleasantly surprised to find that I still had several hours in which to sleep. So when I got up, I was more rested.
My hair is getting really long. Part of me wants to cut it, because it's such a bother, but that little vain part of me wants to keep it. It's just over halfway down my back now, and it looks like fire waving in the sunlight; gossamer strands of gold and copper bound together in a lock. Perhaps I'm stuck up about it, but it's one of the few things I can honestly say I like about me.
I started something I call a random thought journal. I tend to think of really neat things, or of stuff I have to do, and then forget it entirely a few seconds later. I bought a little spiral notebook and started recording the random thoughts in it. Perhaps one day I shall make a scrapbook out of it. *ponders*
Well, I ought to go run my errands. Journal writing is quite therapeutic, though. Incidentally, who has an online journal or diary somewhere else? Will you link it in a post?
--Angela
Asorie, I'm using this as my new online journal. =D
August eleventh.
Well, didn't have any school today, so that's a plus. Woke up around 10 AM this morning, and did my usual browsing of EoFF, TWMB, etc. I played a little Unreal, watched a little tv... the ideal day. Then around 2 I'm forced to go to college seminar about financial aid. Woohoo. 2 hours later, I'm 800 bucks poorer, and pretty tired. Then we go golfing, woohoo. We just got back. So... yep.
yay! it's the jets and the sharks!
i want to be in america
OK by me in america
everything free in america
for a small fee to america
that is all.
I read mostly everything in this thread, Asorie.
August 11, 2001 10:26 PM
I am incredibly tired. Sometimes I think I have some sort of sleep disorder. How can I be tired all the time when I sleep for 10 hours a night?
..I'm trying to think of stuff to type that won't freak everyone out. The stuff I type in my regular journal isn't the kind of stuff I should type here. Ah well. I'll type some mundane stuff.
My day. I woke up at 11:30. I ate something, I think. I waited till my father woke up, then he drove me to work. Work always passes quickly. I daydream a lot. Daydreaming always makes the time fly, and it's rather enjoyable to do, too. Everyone should do it. I came home from work, ate something else, I think, and came here, and posted some. Then my parents talked to me about some stuff, and I argued a bit about life and whatnot, then I ate some more. Now I'm typing this. Next, I'll go to sleep. I have to get up early tomorrow, which I don't like doing, but such is life. Only eight more days of working, then it's back to college.
Type what you would normally type, Unne. :D There's nothing wrong with freaking people out. ^^
I'm in the middle of another one my annoying little non-ambitious blahs. I'll get the perfect idea, start on it, and then say.. nah, this is a lame idea. Very boring. That's always been going on for me, but lately, it is so much worse. Baaaah. And Bah again.
I wish I were more ambitious. I'm incredibly ambitious, but at the same time, I am so not ambitious. I can't even explain it. *seppuku*
August 12, 2001 1:20 AM (darn it, I have to stop posting so early in the morning!)
Today I went to my g-ma's house early. It was okay, though a bit boring at times. But there was a storm to make up for that.
Right now, I'm in chat, and us EoFF inbreds are figuring out the family tree. And Britt opped me for...5 minutes? Sweet. Oh, and Del Snizz finally turned up online! Huzzah! Now, I must get back to my family and kung-fu battles. See ya!
Captain's Log Stardate 12-8-01
Captain Burt S. Plurt (umm....)
We are entering the neutral zone. Great.
Anyway, went out last night to see some bands and 1 band was actually pretty good. The singer had an amazing voice - very powerful, great range, intense. I look at our band and realise all is not well.
I've just come back from some kind of family do celebrating my cousins 2nd birthday, but I left after 40 minutes. I just sit there in abject silence not looking too happy (can't stand people who say, "Cheer up" and, "Smile, it might never happen" - why should I hide my unhappiness? I don't want to be polite) and then left. Whats the point in being there if nobody talks to you? Saying that, I do like my family... Maybe I'm just tired from last night.
Other than that things are good.
Log ends
BTW - Mods / Admin. Are you going to make a new thread for each day / week or something. Make this thing a bit more organised? Otherwise we could have innumerable posts in this one thread soon and most of them are quite long.
I'll summarise 2 days...
11/8:
Talked with Rydia of Mist for about an hour on MSN, unfairly bombarding her with most of my personal problems and opinions. Wrote an e-mail to hopefully clear things up and apologise. I think I'm becoming far too open on the internet, and I'm wondering whether I should try to be more introverted. If I don't, I may upset someone and get into some trouble. I was far too negative when talking with her...I couldn't seem to focus on anything positive, because I can't think of anything positive to focus on...
Went to see Final Fantasy, The Spirits Within, and thought it was reasonably enjoyable. I don't consider it to be a Final Fantasy, it's just a good film with a mildly interesting storyline. Bought the soundtrack just to listen to the incredibly talented Lara Fabian sing "The Dream Within" which got me very emotional... :cry:
12/8:
Talked with my long time net friend and best buddy Sephiroth 1999ad about many concerns...one being why he left this wonderful forum. Apparently, he was being bullied/flamed into leaving. This has greatly upset me, and I'm wondering what to do about it. We also discussed the possibilites of what "The &%^&* room" and "the &(*&)^)* Pizza" actually mean in Final Fantasy VII. Possibilities include "The Gay pizza, The Whore pizza, the slut pizza, the s**t room and the F-word pizza" none of which fit...
Hours later, I am still laughing at our conversation about the room and pizza...
Work again tomorrow...*Negative thoughts and feelings appear in head* oh dear, I've just decided I can't be bothered to go to work tomorrow...but I have to. Well, that's life for you.
I'm here in EoFF, thinking about what to do...which threads to reply to...who to pm and have a nice conversation with...It's a lovely place here. I'm glad I'm a part of it.
Oh, and Asorie, of course people read all of these threads...well I personally do.
Sunday, August 12, 2000 - 3:00 PM CST
I'm not really in a good or bad mood right now. I'm rather tired, so I'm just kind of here. I always like it when I feel like this, it's almost euphoric; almost seems like I'm watching myself go throughout the day from an internal distance...if that makes any sense.
I have loads of spam email I need to delete, but I'm far too lazy. So, I'm surfing the fora and in chat, which is mostly dead.
My great-aunt Juanita is in the hospital again, perhaps for the last time. Last night she was taken there because she couldn't breathe. She's been sick and in pain for a long time now, so, in a perhaps odd way, I almost hope that it is her time to go, just so her pain stops.
Nothing else really has happened to or for me, so, yeah.
~Becky
Daily entry time thing. August twelfth.
Woke up around 11:15 and immediately hit the chat. Not sure what we were discussing, but it was fun. Then I played Unreal Tournament for a couple of hours, and then went school shopping. I got some binders, some paper, and other generally uninteresting school supplies. Then we went out to eat at IHOP. I had some pancakes and eggs and stuff. Now I'm home, and have to do homework for evil Mrs. McCants.
so the germans are germans, but not all the foreigners are germans, but they are mostly germans, and a few are not. but a lot of them have banjoes. which are funny, but having a banjo is not a redeeming quality. hm...*ponders*.
now for verse two:
Automobile in America
Chromium steel in America
Wire-spoke wheel in America
Very big deal in America...
8-something-01
Dates seem to slip by me now...I even had to stop to think of what month it was.
I've been depressed for about 5 months now which hasn't been pleasent.....the weird thing is my parents don't even know....I'm not around them much and don't really ever talk to them. I've been so distracted, not with anything around me, but my mind keeps wandering off to different thoughts and memories. I can't get rid of it...every day it seems like more things adding up, more to think about, which makes things even harder. What I don't get is how people can push their emotions to the side, just forget about them, because that's really what I need to do right now but I have no idea how. Everything reminds me of something that I try desperatly to forget. It seems like the only thing I am living for anymore is my dreams, either I can't remember them or they are good dreams.
My body isn't taking this to well either....at times I'll go days with out eating because I feel so sick that I can't eat. I've become weak to the point of I'm not able to stand for more than 5 minutes if it's hot out. Today I was at a church picnic and every time I stood up I felt like I was going to faint. I've had to leave work early many times because I was unable to do anything while there.
...sorry for complaining so much, I know a lot of people have it much worse than me...
~Delial:(
August 13, 2001
1:16 AM
Wow, I can't believe I didn't find this forum sooner. I've been reading and posting in the FF I-IV forum so long, I just haven't been taking the time to read this one.
Well, here I sit, 6 1/2 hours before I have to be at the High School for Cross Country practice, and I just can't sleep. I need some sleep before practice, otherwise I'm gonna end up running the workout in 30:15 or some other ungodly slow time. The Clapton I;m listening to right now probably isn't gonna help *switches to Realjukebox, chages song to the Beatles* That's better.
Classes start a week from Wednesday, and I'm in danger of not graduating on time if I don't pull my act together, which means I better move my @$$ on my required courses this year, but I can still slack a little bit on the electives. As long as I graduate on time, that's all that matters right now. I have a few friends who didn't make all their credits last year, which meant they had to go back and take them this summer, and I don't wanna have to do that.
On a better note, the Marching band is looking good this year, we already have a good chunk of our show learned. We could possibly even win a few compititions this year. That would be a first for the school.
Well, maybe tomorrow (or later today, depending how you look at it), my post will be a bit more upbeat, what with practice starting, and Stacey gettin home tonight from Texas. Till Later.
Jon
Another Day at Work.
Part 1:
Woek up late at 7am and rushed to work, at best estimate, I got 4 hours sleep at night.
Got here to find loadsa work for me to do in my lab so I'm happy being busy.
Edit to that. Another dice with death today, as a gas line ruptured and nearly set my face (not important) and my hair (MY FREAKIN' HAIR, GOOD GOD !) on firey fire burnness. So I had to fill out an incideny form over that and get a new bloody gasline and test that then recommence my tests, not at best estimate, I'm busy with this till tomorrow evening.
Work Sucks.
8/10 (end)
My g/f called me. I love these moments.
*holds her gently*
8/11
Stayed at home.
Brother came during the afternoon.
got my psx back.
Made a funny situation when me and my g/f were hiding our "priviledged moments" between normal conversations.
8/12
Still at home, quiet sunday.
Finished watching Lodoss.
Chatted during the afternoon, and got called again *G*
Had some fun in the chatroom.
I'm sad for Danni though. *hugs her*
8/13 (morning)
Chatted with my g/f. We plotted to kidnap each other.
Now she's sleeping, while I'm supposed to be working.
*agrees with Wyll* Plus I'll add : "and so does the atlantic"
Phew..... I've just read all the entries on this page.... quite a variety.
Now I feel like I should try and make this make sense, if people are actually going to read it.
Anywho... I haven't been online for a couple of days, so lots of new posts to reply to today. I got back from my friends a few hours earlier, we played Unreal Tournament and Carmageddon II quite a bit. I'm borrowing Ultima Online, it doesn't need the disc, so.... It's mine, now, even after I give it back. I've never tried online games before, even though I could have.... I don't know why.... I'll try Unreal online tomorrow (Linus: do you play online?), and I'll also try to find the install disk for my very old Voodoo2 card. I'm pretty bad at it, but I think I'll enjoy it, even if it's just because I get to taunt people a lot.
I saw American Beauty a coupla days ago... I'm not axactly an expert in films but I thought that it was pretty darn good. I liked it. Also saw Pleasantville yesterday.... not too bad... it's obviously one of those films made to make you feel happy, but... I thought it was good.
And I'm getting a tad bored of Breath of Fire IV. It's good, but... meh, I suppose I don't like RPGs as much as I liked to think I did. Oh well. I still like it, but FF remains my favourite.
Well, that wasn't exactly a deep entry, but... my back hurts, so I'll try and be more... er.... something... next time.
08-13-01
7:56 PM
w00! I'm out of summer school! w000000t!
Goodness. I will never take summer school again. I'm SO glad to know that tomorrow morning, I won't have to wake up at 6:00 AM. -_- I know I failed it, but having gone through it once, I should do much better next year. Not the way I would have preferred it to turn out, but oh well. I'll work with what I've got.
I just called my best friend R, and the way things work out she'll be able to go to King's Dominion with my group of friends on Thursday. 'Twill be a blast. :D Hopefully my other two friends will be able to come, too. *crosses fingers*
On the side, I've considered on and off the idea of keeping an e-journal--not here, but on disk using MS Word. Lately I can't bring myself to keep a journal (especially since I feel no 'kinship' with the one I have right now--and if I feel no connection to my journal, I can't write in it). I'm so often on the computer, though, it'd be fairly easy to keep. And I'd periodically print out the documents so that I'd also have a hard copy of my entries. 'Tis an idea, and one that I'll have to think about a little bit before I start it.
August 13, 2001 8:11 PM
When every day is pretty much the same, time goes very quickly. I've yet to decide whether that is a good or bad thing. My guess would be... bad. But whatyagonnado.
What else can I say? Six more days of work. I guess I'm glad about that. I guess.
Monday, August 13, 2001 - 7:50 PM CST
Not only was it a Monday, but Monday the thirteenth. Sigh.
I knew I should've stayed in bed.
First I woke up a little late and when I realized what time it was, barely managed to shower, dress and make it to work two minutes late. Meh. Fortunately, I beat my boss there, so I wasn't in any trouble.
Work today sucked. Not only do I have to put up with training the new girl (who is a TOTAL MORON thankyouverymuch.. sigh), but as she learns, MY work lessens and I'm bored (she'll be taking over when I go back to college). I only work there 9 more days, w00t. Oh, 7; two days I'm at the hospital for my regular happy medical things.
I'm in a pretty good mood today, despite work sucking. I'm pleased at the response I'm getting for the CD projects! It makes me smile to see that I may make some impact on this board which has made impace on my life.
I don't have anything else coherent to say, so, yeah.
~Becky
8-13-01 9:15 PM
I almost didn't get on the net today. I've been kinda absorbed with my FF5 and 6 roms. I'm gonna start going to bed earlier, seeing as how school is in less than two weeks. I wanna be in good condition for it, so no more late-night chatting for me :(
Today was decent. My sis was gone most of the day. We had a storm here, too. But around 7:00 AM my cat decided to jump up on my bed an crawl all over me for a while, then my sister woke me up earlier than she usually does.
w00t! Friday, the county fair starts up. Sometime between now and then, I'll start up a thread about fairs and carnivals and all that good junk. Cool stuff ;)
Not much else to report...well, I do still have to go to 7th grade orientation Thursday night, then Friday my cousin's coming to my house until next Thursday.
That's about it right now.
8/13/01 &:20 PM PDT
Today, was full of s***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Absolute crap. School wasn't fun, I couldn't get ahead on my game and don't want any help on the piece of s***, my earings were falling off, my computer is f***ed up, since it froze, and I had to restart it. What a 'pretty good' day it has been for me. Now I feel like I'm sick of it. I need to fight my brother as soon as he comes home for any past, present or future bragging about crap. I'll go see if there's anything good to do, rather sit on my ass and suffer this hell, or do something entirely, different.
Undying Angel, a quick note: Delete some of your PM's! Like, around fifty or so. You've reached the limit, and I can't send you anymore. I've tried to send ya at least three so far...
Dear Diary,
I'm thinking about starting a little site of my own, purely with letters to people that I know. It could be choc-filled with private stuff that they'll never read unless they're either hackers or I let them know about it. It'd be like a diary, only, I could make it kinda personal. I always thought I should write some letters to people, so that should I spontaneously combust, people can find out exactly what I thought of 'em. Heh.
Life has been better, but then again, it has been worse. Or, at least, I've dealt with it in worse ways... that could be a bit closer to the truth.
Today, Emma was online at the same time as me... and I didn't talk to her at all. That's the first time that has ever happened. EVER... it was kinda sad, but I still think we both need our space. I chat to her friends more than I chat to her now... it's nice to have people that can keep me in control of myself though. Thanks Sprite ;) and also, some people have been trying to flirt with me. It makes me feel kinda sick, and that's way odd for me. I usually love flirting, but now it feels like I'm being unfaithful to the girl I don't even have. Gawd, I'm pathetic.
I'm getting closer to a lot of people, but I've noticed I'm drifting from others... sad. I'm getting closer to all the people I never knew... but now that I think about it, I guess talking about why would just repeat my previous entry to this thread, so I won't.
Had a good day overall. I won against Sammy in chess... that's four victories in a row in Statistics class! :D Wonderful. Though, I know that I'm only playing people that aren't too hot themselves, but I'm willing to play someone else someday... when I get the hang of the game again. Been a while.
Uh... yeah, that's all I got right now. Oh, had some nice chats with Locky and Ashi lately. They're so gwate. Thanks, both of ya. And my PM'ers... Usa, Britt, Asorie (still waiting, should you find some time, Ang ;)). Those people, and Sprite, have made my life a little less crap. *hugs* Nothing like people who are always there for you. But those are the people who do it without any effort from moi. Dandy.
~Daniel
August 14, 2001
12:16 am
What a fun fun day this has been...not really, but I guess it wasn't as bad as it could've been.
About 6 hours after I went to bed last night (this morning, whatever), and only about 4 1/2 or 5 after I went to sleep, my mom woke me up to see if I needed a ride to practice. I accepted, seeing as she had to work in the office at 8, the same time practice started, and it was 7:45. At least XC is one of those sports where you can come to practice in nothing but a pair of shorts and some shoes, and nobody gives a rat's @$$...
My first surprise of the day came when I showed up to practice. WE HAVE A HUGE TEAM THIS YEAR!! My second surprise came in the first meeting of the year. As it turns out, not only does Coach Thomason want us to win a couple meets this year, he wants us to take home BOTH the Men's and Women's Conference titles, and qualify BOTH teams for the state meet while we're at it. Lofty goals, considering we've finished 5th (Guys and Girls) in the WaMac Conference the past two years, and had one individual state participant over those two years. Taylor's running in his usual school-record-setting form again this year, and we have Carl, a freshman, running with Taylor in practice. If they can both keep it up by the time Conference and Districts roll around, we just might be state bound.
After practice today, I went over to Stacey's house to see her for the first time in a month and a half that she was gone in TX...third surprise, I was only allowed to stay for 10 minutes or so, because she had so much stuff to do. Oh well, at least she knows I'm still alive.
So after I got home, I sat around on my arse and played my FFI and FFIV roms for about 2 or three hours, then I called Stacey, she had an eye appointment to go to, but we still talked for quite a while.
After I got off the phone with her, it was time to take a shower and head off to work to make pizzas. I knew Brian was back from vacation, which meant KITCHEN CLEANING DAY, but surprisingly, most everything was done when i got there at 5. The grill had been torn down and completely degreased, the walk-in was cleaned out thoroughly, all that was left was fixing the leak in the sink, and I was assigned to that. Could've been much worse.
All in all, a decent day, it starts all over again in 6 1/2 hours. Time for bed.
Jon
8-13-01
Today has been like all the others except right at this very moment I feel really calm...I'm not sure why though. It also seems like for the first time I actually belong here, like I'm not just some outsider that's looking in through the snow covered window at a big feast with family all around and a warm fire burning. But now I'm inside, and out of the cold.
My dog ran away today, but we got her back by opening the car door, she loves car rides so she just jumps right in....to get captured....
~Delial:choc:
Today was okay. My days always start at midnight because I stay up to talk to my boyfriend when he gets to work. Right now; I'm on 08-14-2001; but I won't be posting about it until tomorrow. :p
I chatted with my boyfriend (it feels weird to say that; but a good kind of weird) when he woke up. While he was on his way to work, disaster threatened to strike. Luckily, though, things worked out okay in the end. But, for that time, I was very upset. When he got to work, I talked with him some more for a few hours about what was going on, and then just random fun things. I love him so much...he always makes me stop being so serious and play a little.
I'm still feeling horrible about Coach leaving. I don't want to be the one to run FFLegend...but...I know that one day Coach will come back. He has to.
I had an idea for a new novel...one that I might be able to get published in spite of my age. It's going to be in the standard "best seller fiction" genre. Meh. Basically; a novel I wouldn't really read myself. But...I have a reason for wanting to get published. If I'm an author of any merit with a book that makes the NYTimes list at ANY level...I can live where ever I want to live.
I talked to another writing agency today. Another rejection on an agent when they found out I'm not 21 yet. Still...all my rejections have been positive. They like my work; it's my age they aren't crazy about.
Went over to Vicksburg and hung out with my dad for a little while. For once, we were able to talk about the state of my arms without fighting. I think he's starting to understand that I don't know why I do what I do. Also, it helps that I got my cast off today and I haven't done anything. Go me. Been a week Saturday since I picked up a blade. I don't know if I'll be able to resist if things get bad again...but...for now; I think I'll be alright.
Told my "brother" about my boyfriend. I really kind of expected a hesitant "are you SURE about this? Think about the last two times..." from him. Instead, I got a really good response about him being happy and thinking this might not be a Bad Thing (TM).
I almost understood part of the French article system while studying it earlier. I caught a glimmer of the idea...and then got confused. But; there IS hope. I've been practicing writing sentences in French. I can *usually* get understood; but I'm often incorrect in the way to say it. I'm learning, though. I still can't speak French very well. It's because of the Southern Accent. Meh.
I had fun at work. Well; I did for a while. When I first got in, I had to restock EVERYTHING. That was fun because I'm a perfectionist and I enjoy putting everything in order...except my apartment. Meh. I really should clean on my next day off. I accidentally got locked in the cooler for three hours. I was back there with the Beer Man going over the new inventory and checking off everything. We finished fairly quickly and he started stocking everything in its place. I went to another part of the cooler to restock some of the milk and juice drinks. He thought I had gone out of the cooler, so when he got done, he locked the door behind him. I was still inside, though. I decided to make the most of it and restock EVERYTHING and then rearrange the ENTIRE cooler in a better order. That took the first two hours. Once I was done with that, I got bored. I took an empty carboard box and set it on fire in an attempt to warm up a little and started wondering if they were going to find me. I daydreamed about things for a while. Thought about how great things will be once my boyfriend and I are together. I even thought about a little cottage-style house for us in a place in one of the pictures he showed me. Finally, I started having a nicotine fit, so I lit up a cigarette and set another box on fire. Wound up setting off the store's fire alarms. Whoops. But; that got me found. *g* My manager thought the entire situation was incredibly funny. I told her that if I was going to get in trouble for setting a fire in the cooler and smoking in the store, SHE ought to spend three hours locked in the cooler and see what SHE does. She gave me the Official First Warning About Not Smoking In The Store and let me go home.
I got in, took a HOT bath, washed my hair, fixed a sandwich, and then went for a walk. I like walking late at night. It's quiet. I came back and checked the boards and then started my nightly security tests. Everything is ace. *g*
My boyfriend came online just a bit ago. He's on his way to work right now. He ought to be back on any minute now. I'll talk to him for a while and then crash out.
Phoenix
August 14, 2001
I was fairly sad the last few days. Jon's gone back to college now. :( So i'm pretty lonely. I miss being able to just pick up the phone to call him, or come online and see him on aim.. i'll be able to do it soon enough but I had some stuff i wanted to tell him last nite and this morning that I can't yet. *sighs* oh well.. an email will have to do for now I spose.
I've had people to spend time with tho so it's been good. Simon called me again yesterday and amused the hell out of me :D Then I went out with becca to grab some food, then to the mall, to the movies to see original sin, out to play pool, then for a midnite munchy. During that time i got a few Hilarious voice mails on my celly :D then I came home and fell asleep.
Today I have a party to go to later, a going away party for two of my friends. Should be fun
other than that, things have been about the same as always. Cept one thing.. my mother actually called me and asked ME if I wanted to do something tomorrow.. I almost fell over. It was weird.. I had a dream about her last nite, and today she calls.. heh
8-14
Woke up to go running...my watch was dead. The battery lasted 2 years though, so that ain't too bad. Work is almost over. We present on thursday and then we are FREE!!!. I am still upset about the whole GF thing but I think I need to try and forget about it till I see her. I can't do anything right now expect drive myself mad, which I already did a couple years ago. Anyway it is cold at work, the AC is too high. But at least the temps outside have dropped. I am suppossed to talk to my gf's best friend tonight over ice cream. Hopefully that will make me feel better. I also finished my personal project so I am psyched. I am also going to see American Pie 2 and the Jay and Silent Bob movie, soon. That should make me happy. That and going to buy new clothes. Wow I sound like a toolbox, meh I probably am, but at least I'm not the only one;)
Aug 14th 2001
I feel kinda silly doing this, but oh well never really did care what "others" thought of me.
Boss is away for a week so this cat shall play. Getting my work out of the way then doing whatever I feel like it. Its a nice change of pace, I get to go onto EoFF and see whats going on, I should do that more often and talk to more people on the boards, they all seem like nice chaps.
Might be going to my gf's place in NY, might be fun...I hope it is at least.
Boy, this pie sure is good (Sweet Potato is yummy for lunch).
SOmetimes I just sit and listen to music, I've really grown to the piano, I'm practicing it more and more, and only getting better...Maybe I'll submit my work to EoFF, if I get good enough....
Must help more people....I think that's my calling in life, to help people, maybe not in a dramtic way, but its the little things..........if only people knew the little things...
I considered writing something extraordinarily lengthy, but I don't believe I will. I don't care to subject all of you that. I'll sum up though...
I'm getting a bit worried. "It"'s been bothering me again...and I don't know if it'll dissipate when school starts, because I'm beaten it all summer. Yes, I know, there are a lot of its. Bear with me, though.
Everything important is becoming less gray and more black and white. I don't like it. It doesn't seem like that should be the way it is, and I'm worried I'm going to get hit with something, soon. Not cool. The air's wrong...
Yesterday, in real life, two people told me that they'd rather spent time with me than anyone else. I don't know why that depresses me, but it does. Actually, I kinda do know, but I choose not to share, so nyah! :p
Yeah, yeah..I know. I still haven't figured out whether Siamese Dream is an upper or a downer. Certainly Today has the potential to make me cry. That might help, actually, but I have to go babysit tonight, hopefully. Worse things have happened. It's only 3, I'll probably feel better by the time I'm back. Hell, my hair looks cool today. Josh and Jen styled it :cool:
That's actually a bit better already... :) heheh.
~~Silverlocke
Tuesday, August 14, 2001 - 5:44 PM CST
Today was such a stressfull day at work! Understaffed, swamped, and just crazy in general. But, it was kinda fun; I like it when I get to stay busy. And the idiot new girl was only in a half day, so all afternoon I was free to get my own work done, and not train her.
I have to admit that today I was overcome by an enormous fear. I always start imagining symptoms of my illness for a week or so before my regular 3-month checkups, but... I don't know that I'm imagining this time. I won't elaborate on what's wrong with me physically, because none of you would understand the gravity of the symptoms I'm feeling. Let's just say that I'm really scared and all day today have been on edge, and keep going between hysterical laughter and torrential weeping (which is fun to explain at work... fortunately, all my coworkers are gossips, so they just assume I'm having man trouble or a fight with a friend or some such thing; they don't know of my illness). I know I'm stupid to get all freaked about it, but, I can't help it. I know what I went through the last time I battled this disease; I don't know if I have it in me again.
If I am sick again, I'll have to drop out of school, because I barely handled part of High School with dealing with this. College is so much more busy and challenging, I'd never hack it. I'm already a semester behind in college, this'd set me back another year.
And, of course, there's the whole fun of MORE surgery... losing my hair again, walking around looking half-dead for another 6-12 months, more needles, having to give myself more shots...
Oh, yeah; and that whole possibility of death.
There was a time in my deep depression when I WANTED to die.. or so I told myself. I can most honestly say that I really, really wish to live.
I'll stop now.
~Becky
8-14-01 7:16 PM
Today was good. I got up a lot earlier than usual (about 8:00AM), came downstairs, and downloaded some songs. (don't tell my dad; I was on his buisness phone line, which I'm not supposed to do during the day. I'm bad ;))
The day went slowly, and I loved it. At a time I thought it was maybe 3:00, it was only 1:00. I played FF6 a bit, and even got to my favorite part: The opera house. Then I picked up a game I haven't played in a long time, Alundra 2. I worked my way through more of the temple I was in when I stopped playing. I remember that one was frustrating, though today it was fun.
Just a bit ago, I got back from school shopping with my mom. I got new shoes (my mom was suprised I'm in a 9 1/2 now) a new hat (a pre-size Adidas, which is very nifty) some new khaki shorts, school supplies, and a Blink 182 CD (It was Enema of the State. For the second time in maybe a month, a casheer of the same store has had to ask my mom if it's okay to get it).
Right now, I'm sitting here, reading an old issue of Expert Gamer, looking at their FF5 strategy for FFA.
I'm in a very good mood.
August 14th, 2001 6:59 PM PDT
Today was somewhat better than yesterday. Except I had a stomach ache in the morning, which turned into some nausea, to some abdominal cramps and a stomach ache... When I got back home I was ace though. And I'm feeling better now.
08-14-01
10:28 PM
'Tis my first day out of summer school. I only slept until 7:30, an hour later than I usually slept before going to school. Kind of weird, but totally like me. I've never been much for sleeping for extended periods of time.
I spent nearly all of today on my computer, chatting over IM with people (mostly Drex, since the others weren't on) and attempting my first download. My best friend J, from Puerto Rico, called. It was nice to talk to him, and I'm going to call him again Thursday night (to tell him about my KD experience :D).
I finally downloaded Morpheus 1.3. It's really cool; I'm going to have a lot of fun with it. :radred: Drex had to come over and help me fix a couple of bugs, though. Other than that, I didn't do too badly. I'm hoping that I'll someday be computer-literate enough to do all this neato stuff (including installing chips, cards, and whatnot) by myself.
And lastly, my church youth group went spinning today (spinning is excercising on a stationary bike, btw ^_^). I couldn't do the standing stuff; entirely too much for a person who's been trapped in a cold, gray classroom for six weeks, five hours at a time. -_- But it was a good workout, and I'm trying to see if there's a cheap deal out there so that I can get my family on a membership. If it's not fairly affordable, though, it's no go. :/ We can't afford too much.
this is for yesterday:
"i've been making plans
(for the future)
become an unconscious man
(all for the good)
i feel so unecessary
(we don't think so, you seem starshaped)"
-damon albarn and graham coxon
i am getting impaitent.
immigrant goes to america
many hellos in america
nobody knows in america
puerto rico's in america
that is the verse i find most amusing. sigh.
August 15, 2001
12:10 AM
Well, today was an okay day, practice went well, we got our uniforms, so we're ready to go for pictures, and in less than two weeks, we're at Williamsburg for our first meet. I hope they have a better course this year...
After practice, I went to Handimart with Bryan to get some fountain Gatorade. Lemon-Lime. Good stuff. I came home and did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BUT PLAY FFIV for about 4 hours. I then proceeded to sleep for god knows how long.
After dinner (salmon, good stuff), I called Stacey, and she, Jaime and Jordan all came over. We hung out for a while, then went cruising for a couple of hours. I actually got onion rings when I ordered them at Burger King, and I just got done watching Office Space. Nick's older brother is in that movie, maybe that's why I think it's so funny.
Tool's on the radio now. I'm going to go to bed while it's still a good day. No work tomorrow. Sweet.:)
Jon
Bad night, talked to Simon for ages after AOL refused to connect me to the internet last night, had a larf.
Woke up today and my cold symptoms seemed to be gone, however being awake for a short while brought it all back and I feel it beginning to take a hold on me, if I feel really crappy today, I'm going home early to my bed.
I've got a funy feeling I'll plod along here and take tomorrow and Friday off though.
15/8/01
10:10AM
I can tell I'm in for a rough day. The shadow when the bus went under the motorway just around the corner from my office woke me up.
Somebody feed me caffeine!
15/08/01
11:48am
This is mostly for last night.
Last night, for some reason I was in real bad mood. I was meant to go Water Polo training, but I was tired so I decided to go to bed, this was like 8pm. I went online a bit first, as I wanted to set a load of downloads going, but my cable was playing up and I couldnt do anything, this put me in an even badder mood.
Anyway at 8:30pm I went to bed and a lay there.. it's very hot and I'm having trouble sleeping, so I spend 3 1/2 hours thinking. This was the wrong thing to do. Although (like Unne), I daydream alot and I like it because of me being in a bad mood, I started thinking of bad things. First of all about the past.. the past always makes me feel sad, either because I remember bad things that happened or I remember all the good things which I want back. Now I aint one for remembering the past.. I always tell myself to think of the future, but...well.. I wasnt in a good mood. I then spent about an hour daydreaming of really teriible things happening to my family, like them all getting killed etc.. Now I dont hate my family, this was because, at times like this (once every 8 months or so) I think my life is boring.. and I think of things that would get me noticed and liven it up.
Strangely enough, when I woke up in the morning I was in a really good mood... prob because I got some sleep and had a good dream.
Sorry peeps, I'm not normally like that... I hardly ever let things get on top of me, however every 8 months or so I always do this.. think of the past, bad things, I guess it's just all the emotions I pent up (I dont usually let my emotions show in front of other people) coming out.
Bank to my normal self now though... :D
The end of summer is finally starting to hit me. Most of my friends are leaving for college, and saying goodbye to them one by one is getting quite difficult. One friend is moving to Maine tomorrow, and another close friend is leaving at the end of the week. Fortunately, my best friend is staying in town and commuting to college as am I, so that's always something to look forward to.
I'm so fortunate to find friends here who actually care about what I have to say. Sometimes it's hard to talk to your offline friends about this, but there are a few online friends I can always count on. Thanks guys.
Well,summer is drawing to an end.It's back to school in a a few weeks.Wow...summer has gone by pretty fast,it seems only yesterday I was running out of the school screaming school's out.I'm actually looking forward to next year thought.Grade 7...hard to believe.It's going to suck in one way though.Our class,which has been together since kindergarden is being split up.I hope I get put with my friends and not the snobs.The snobby girls are so...snobby.Well,tonight,me and Ian rented two Kevin Smith movies,clerks and mallrats which were HILARIOUS!!!!I'm so looking forward to seeing Jay and Silent Bob Stike Back,lol.Today,I decided to leave TFF for a while.I need a bit of time to think.There are other reasons I left,I can't say them here.The weather in Brampton is pretty hot today.I wonder what's it's like down in Newfoundland?I wonder what Steven's doing?Well,i'll be going home in two(count them,two)weeks.
Cheers,
Sierra
8/15/01
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2:31 PM
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Nothing much has happened, I did the regular today slept, ate, and surfed the net, I realize to myself that Summer Vacation has dwindled itself down to a couple more weeks...
...Then I think to myself, in another couple weeks I'll be in High school, grade 9. I worry myself about little things such as bullies and how to be "cool"
As I ponder what's going to happen when I'm in high school I refresh myself with a glass of Pepsi Twist, and I think to myself, Hey it's Pepsi, and it's a lemony twist!
As this comes to my mind, I decide to go on ICQ and have a debate with my friend a.k.a. Lengis who keeps complaining about how sorcs are overpowered in Diablo II, as I give a counter and tell him how easilly Druids should be nerfed and not sorcs, he just stood there, in Awe, and played some more of the game that I no longer refer to as Fun...
...Then I think to myself about the movie I recently saw Called Rush Hour 2, and recalled the Heaven On Earth place, I think to myself how many ways that those women can try to arouse men :D...
...After this brief thought, I go to Imood.com a few times and change my mood :mad: I can never decide which to choose...
...Now I know this entry is getting boring, so this is my last thought, well now I thought to myself, why is it in RPG's that people can just barge into peoples houses and the people don't care? hmm...
Wednesday, August 15, 2001 - 5:32 PM CST
Today sucked. That's all there is to it. Every day at work we get more and more behind. If I didn't have enough to do to try and get my OWN work done (which I'm now WAY behind on), I had to work with stupid new girl again, AND do extra work people kept dumping on my desk. I had to stay a frickin' half hour late, and didn't even take a lunch break. Grrr.
I really have nothing else to write about. Right now I'm just cranky about work. And it'll only get worse; more people go on vacation tomorrow! Even MORE understaffed! Yay! *random acts of violence*
~Becky
From whenever it was my computer crashed till now
Almost 4 PM.
Well...I figured out why my computer kept freezing when I posted...so I fixed that. So now I can post again. Yay! RSL closed my thread (make new rules while I'm gone?? The nerve!!!) but oh well. I'm addicted to this ORPG now...it kinda replaced EoFF while I was gone. Not really. Sorta. Anyways, I'm back and stuff. It'll take me a while before I get used to posting again but oh well. It's like riding a bike....or something. Anyways, I'm gonna go do stuff...and junk. Yeah.
Well I'm not going to write too much, after writing quite a bit yesterday and the post not working... >=|
So.... today was weird. First time I've been out for recreation purposes, and I was quite out of it. Not really in the mood for talking to my friends..... I was fine with listening, but.. I had nothing to talk about. They were talking about how they were lairy at school, and what they do at hoem, but I can't, because I do nothing. I'm so boring. *sigh* That got me down, but.... I'm having fun in chat now, I usually feel kind of like an outsider in the chatroom, but people are talking to me tonight, so thanks guys and gals.
Er.... that is all.
I'm worried about a new and good friend of mine, and an older one too. Both for similar yet entirely different reasons. I hope they're ok... I'm sure one knows who he is, but the other probably doesn't know that I think about him that much.
I got another e-mail from Emma... finally, why she broke it off. FINALLY! We're still friends... so that's k. I just wonder so much... but I'm happy for now. Just... wondering.
Well... that's about it, really. *goes off to work*
August 15, 2001
11:35 PM
I don't think Coach Freuhling has ever run more than a mile in his life. I have come to this conclusion after finding out at practice today that he, being our strength coach, has set up the Cross Country team to have the EXACT same weight program as every other team at the High School. I'm sorry, but running does NOT require the same kinds of lifts as football. Enough of that. I'll take it up with him tomorrow.
I'm actually writing before midnight tonight, it's amazing. I might get more sleep tonight than I have gotten in the past week combined. That would be nice, since I have a monster headache goin on. Well, that's waht I get for eating the wings at Outback and hanging out with Jordan all night.
I saw Jamie today while she was at practice :whoa: . She's probably the hottest freshman I've ever seen. I wonder if she has a boyfriend...
Well, I'd better get some sleep. I have to work tomorrow, too.
Jon
August 16, 2001
Well, the other day we had a going away party for two of my friends. They're twins, and they're leaving for college this coming tuesday. Everyone's leaving really soon. Almost all of my really good friends were at this party and it was really good to see them all again.. however it made me realize that summer's all but over, and they'll all be gone soon.. I might not see some of them ever again. It hit me pretty hard recently, I'm sure it'll get better but I'm new at this splitting up thing, and I'm not liking it. It's so hard to say goodbye to people you've known you're whole life, people who know almost everything there is to know about you.. some who even know you better than you know yourself.
To add to my sadness, mark was at the party. It felt so weird to be around him with all that's happened between us the last month. It hurt to not talk to him. He's leaving for Chicago Sunday.. then I won't see him again. He's moving there as well as going to school there. Sometimes the human heart amazes me.. it's ability to love, then to discard what it loves so easily amazes and hurts me... as well as confuses me. *sighs*
On a better note Jon's coming up to spend the weekend with me before his classes start. :) It's gonna be great.
15.8.01
Returned yesterday to find internet clogged up with 3 weeks worth of tuff for 8 different sites! counted 683 e-mails, deleted all sent by stupid secret admirer...probably full of porn anyway.
Woke up at 6:30, my stupid internal time clock has reset to school mode, and beyond. Was looking forward to renting South Park movie(Come to think of it, I HAVE been swearing more often), but had 6 hours to wait...damn!
Returned to net and chatted to JanGirl about an Animorphs FanFic, meanwhile surfing EoFF.
Ill sister forced me to obey her every word. Considered putting salt in her cereal. Didn't.
South Park Movie Ruled! WATCH IT! WATCH IT I SAY! Boredom after that point forced me to return to internet three more times(Including this one)
Talked to Chris, we moaned about school and the fact that everything is s___ (DAMN MOVIE!).
Slept...wait, that hasn't happened yet! Oh well...
Day Rating:5/10---South Park Movie and brief net fun were all that redeemed it. Would get lower but Movie was actually amazing.
Cya
Thursday, August 16, 2001 - 6:29 PM CST
Thank GOD tomorrow's Friday. I need a weekend.
Each day, we get further and further behind at work. Everyone's in a state of perpetual anger/annoyance and I'm sick and tired of the idiot new girl's training/endless questions keeping me from getting my work done. I despise having to stay late. Meh.
My family gets home tomorrow from living for the last 3 months in Florida. I have mixed feelings about this. I'm glad they're coming home because I've missed my Father, and it means the summer's drawing to an end, and I soon get to return to school. However it's not so cool, because that means from tomorrow until I go back to school, I will rarely have a chance to get online at all. Ah, well. 'Tis only a week; I move back in the dorms August 27th.
I'm looking forward to the start of school. I've missed my "college friends" and I've missed Oshkosh. That city is so much more fun than where I live.
Yeah, I'm running out of things to say, so.. this is likely one of my last entries 'til the 27th, when I catch up with a nice, long one.
~Becky
Today I did.... bugger all, as usual. I'm really getting into Unreal Tournament now, heh heh. I've been downloading maps for the past hour so I've got new stuff to try tomorrow. I also downloaded some voicepacks from Rainecloud's site. Father Jack: 'Gobtroute!'. :D
That's about it really.
8-16-01 8:58 PM
Today was pretty good. As usual, woke up late and watched SNL. I tried defragmenting the computer, but it kept reseting itself.
Tommorow, the fair starts. Won't be here much, since my cousin comes Saturday until next Thursday. Plus, since school starts soon, I'm gonna start going to be earlier.
Earlier tonight I went to 7th grade orientation. Got my schedule, too. I kept telling my mom how I think it's gonna suck this year, but she tried to get my attitude a bit more optimistic.
Also tonight I told my mom how much I want to learn to play bass guitar. She said it'd be a good idea. I might ask for one for my b-day or Christmas, then get a music book that can tell me the basics.
Well, I guess I'll be signing off for a while. Not gonna be around too much because of the fair. I'm honestly wondering if any EoFF people would come. Usually people from all over the country come to it. If I remember correctly, it's the second largest county fair in the US. Aceness.
See you all in maybe a week!
-Stu (yes, I'm copying off of Daryl. Sue me)
past two days were odd. different. yeah. but maybe not so different after all as i'm still pondering over rosalia and anita's bantering.
August 16, 2001... 11:26pm
*giggles* I had a pretty good day. I'm going to have one hell of a phone bill later on tho. *hides* I talked to Jon in virginia for like oh i dunno.. a LOT today.. and then simon called me, and we talked for the good part of an hour. Twas funny.. he makes me laugh so much *waves to cactus and martin* They're currently plotting to get me to England :p I may have to take them up on it too :D
Haven't done this in awhile.
August 17, 2001 2:24am
Lets see, tosay wasn't much different, nothing special. I woke up around noon. That seems to be normal lately as I am typing this up a about 2:30am anyway. After I ate I got up and well, really did nothing. I sat in my room and played FFT. That seems to be what my life consists of as of late. I don't know, I just feel empty lately, and everything I have feared and pushed away for so long seems to be nailing back harder than before. I'm not sure what to do with it anymore either, aw well, I'm sure I'll get it to work out some how. Soccer is coming up in a manner of days and I figure I should probably do a bit of running to get back in shape, but I can't seem to motivate myself, I'm not sure whats wrong with me lately. Argh, life is confusing, no?
8/17/01
12:21 AM
God I feel like crap right now. I haven't felt this bad in quite a while. I don't know how this came about but right now I feel awful. I was in chat but I didn't know what to say. I was looking at anime but I didn't care. That really scared me...I love anime. I mean...I love it. And it was there in front of me...and I didn't care. That just frightened me. Well...I guess I should go through my day, this being a journal and all.
Well I woke up and took the dog out for her morning walk as usual. I came back and I was exhausted from staying up late. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. Mom was yelling but I couldn't hear her. I just tried to sleep through the pain. I woke up at about eleven and got dressed. I ate lunch and came online. Elyse was on and her and I talked for a long time about stuff that was bothering her. Elyse left eventually and then Danni said she wanted to call me for some reason. My wrist was starting to hurt so I got off the internet and talked on the phone with her. I wasn't feeling to great about not being able to help Elyse but Danni helped cheer me up. I came back online and then the pain hit me again. Despite being racked with guilt, I tried to play the ORPG I play. It was just simply depressing. For some reason, everyone ignores my character. I stood there and tried to help people and they all ignored me. That was just not fun. At this point, the combined guilt and sadness had awakened my depression from it's slumber. I looked around for someone to talk to about this but it was too late. The had depression taken over.
I sat here and started to think about things, which is never a good thing for me. I thought about how my life is going nowhere and about how my own mother wishes I was never born. I thought about how all my real life friends abandoned me and about how my sister doesn't care what happens to me. I thought about how my grandma hates me and about how my father's side of the family ignores me. I thought about how no one will ever love me and about how no one will ever want to. I thought about how useless and pathetic I am. I thought about how sick I am of having to fight off all the pain I feel everyday while everyone else I know irl is happy and successful. I thought about how my grades are bad and about how many people have used me before. I thought about the times I tried to kill myself but couldn't even get the knife to my wrists. I thought about everything. My life. Everything that's happened in it. And I came up with one thing from it all.....it's been a waste.
And...it just made me feel so awful...I can't quite describe it. It feels like I have to cry...I want to cry, oh god, how I want to...to be able to get rid of the pain....but I can't. I tried...I can't do it. So here I am, sitting at my computer in the soft glow of the screen, listening to the hum of the computer....thinking about why I shouldn't do something stupid to myself. Luckily, I know that doing something stupid IS stupid so I'm not going to do it. But the sad thing...I can't come up with any reasons not to. I can't think of a reason not to take a knife and cut a part of my flesh. I can't right now. I just can't. I can't come up with any reasons as to why I shouldn't hurt myself right now...except for the fact that I know that if I wasn't depressed, I'd think it was stupid. But I am depressed....I...I don't know...I just feel so awful right now....I don't know...I'm tired of being alone and I'm tired of being useless. I'm just sick of it...I'm sick of being depressed...*Sigh* I'm tired....so very tired....
August 17th
1:19 AM
Well if there was ever a text book example of an entire wasted day, my day would be it. I have more than enough work to do before school starts (on the 20th) but for the last 24 hours i've done NOTHING worthwile, ive contributed NOTHING to the world. I woke up at 1:15 pm, (I was working/playing/reading till 5am the day before) and after I woke up i just kind of lounged in my room. About an hour later I got ready and went downstairs. I looked around the kitchen, poured myself some cereal for breakfast (heh, at like 2:30) and ate it. Then I just sort of looked at my AP books for half an hour. They weren't open, I was staring at the covers :p. Then I came online and posted a little. Lounged a little. I tried to load up Word and do work...what i ended up doing was going on diablo II...was EXTREMELY boring, I got off as fast as I got on. I sort of sat in my chair, staring at the screen doing absolutely nothing. Then got up, and commuted to my parents room to watch TV in their room. Watched some TV, flipped through the channels and just kind of sat there. My mom told me to do various things but I wasn't really in the mood. I went to my bros room and kind of sat around (nobody really goes in there except him and he's rarely home anyways). I vaguely recall eating something, but it wasn't dinner with my family. I went back to watching TV and then when I was done with that, I got online and typed up something about a wasted day of life. I had 0 fun. I did nothing productive. I did nothing enjoyable. Nothing that helped me or anyone else in any way, shape, or form. Im pretty sure i'm ready for school to start. I'm ready for some structure again (and a chance to see ALL my amigos regularly).
Why is it that the day always goes well, then ends like utter crap? My day was going perfectly. Woke up at 5am and did my Geo assignment that was due today. Did that for a lot of the day. Still happy, coz Stu, Shatila, Nicky and I were being really stupid about it, pretty much. Heh.
Then I chat to people who make me feel cool, and whatnot.
But when I get home, I find out ANOTHER breakup has happened in the last month. There have been around eight of my best friends, all involved in breakups. And me too... but the thing is, I've never known this friend without her boyfriend, so I don't know what to do. I feel like I've gotta play the guy-who-takes-care-while-she-gets-over-the-boyfriend, coz I'm the only guy who she knows that can do that for her. But... I dunno, it's just so hard, so awkward.
And just now, I find out that Em had a dream, coz I always ask. What about? Her boyfriend. God, that hurts every time... :( Why does it? I wish it didn't.
nope. scratch that. today officially sucks. no question about it. and with all the stuff and things, the most annoying thing of all is that i'm still thinking. miss america, picks up the telephone, into another home, don't ask me why...here is here and i am here, where are you? far away, far away...
This is basically an excuse for me to dump a bit here, but whadyagonnado...I don't think happy people write in diaries...at least...not frequently.
By that logic, it's a good thing I don't write in a diary frequently :) Come to think of it, I usually am happy nowadays...I'd really hate to lose that.
I've been unsure of myself and my own abilities the last few days. I've turned into a perfectionist of myself, and it's not good.
I've become unsure that my irl friends are really the best friends for me. I'm losing most of my interest in speaking to my online friends, with only a couple exceptions. I'm doubting whether I'll really be able to find work in a field I really enjoy. My interests change so often...already I'm gonna have to change some of my courses next year. I'm doubting my ability to be truly loved again, and I'm starting to lose my perspective, which I've fought so hard for. I look at everything I've done to change myself and make myself a better person, and in the end all that's seemed to come out of it is that I'll be hurting others and getting hurt myself.
I've written a lot of poems lately, which isn't a good sign, and they haven't been happy poems like most of the ones I've posted, either. I haven't had much interest in speaking to anyone, family or friends, and I getthe feeling I'm losing myself...I know I can find myself again, but I'm not so sure I will at the moment.
Ugh...my mom's getting the date for her surgery next week...I haven't had a decent conversation with her in so long....I've pretty mch desensitized myself to her completely, and that makes me pretty sad...I feel pretty sad right now...walking is kinda difficult.
I'm getting those feelings of regret again...like I've just complicated matters. Oddly enough, of all the people online I've mostly ignored, I'm really enjoying talking to Daniel...But all of these recent breakups are starting to get to me, because I feel kinda like I'm losing people to talk to, although I'm the one who's broke off contact. I think I should remeet a few people. But I don't want to right now...
I hate it when people act like I'm acting right now :)
...I'm just not sure what'll be there to cheer me up this time.
~~Silverlocke
8-17-01
Yes!!!! Finally a weekend. School started this week, and I absolutely adore it. Something to do!! Phew, now that the bore of summer has ended, I have loads of homework and the lot. Now I wish it was summer again..... how my mood changes from time to time.
August 18th 2001
Today has been a strange day. Just feels empty. Yesterday was even worse when the tragedy finally hit me. Made me think a lot about why he did it and how I can sort of understand him. There are going to be so many tears today and just so much hurt and pain from his real close family. I never really knew he was my actual cousin. Why do these things happen?! Just makes you realise how much pain people can be in. Oh well, I'll get through this.
I feel like Hell.
Last night wasn't fun, at all. I feel at fault for the crap another person is dealing with, and I wish he wouldn't have to deal with my petty issues. He knows who he is, and he knows how much I appreciate him, though.
I got up at 6 AM this morning- due at work at 6:30AM, as always. In my last hour of working (I work 8 hours a day.) I felt as though I was flat out going to die. This.. feeling swept over me and I almost called someone to take over for me so I could sit down. I can't really take all this stress being dumped on me, anymore. People all around me are hurting because of me, I'm wrestling with my own problems, I'm suddenly being striken by some inexplicable exhaustion, and for the first time in my life I feel genuinely defeated. I wish it would just stop. I want to just stop dealing with all this crap going on around me. I'm so terribly tired of people relying on me for this and that. People are expect too much of me, these days, and it's simply incredible. Of all the people to expect a lot of, they expect a lot of the selfish, cynical snob. Go figure.
18-8-01:
I can sympathise with Britt on this one. I've only just started work, and I'm already I'm beginning to feel the pressure. Britt...you need to let your bosses know how you feel about all this pressure you're under. Perhaps they'll give you some time of to recover. I've had exactly the same experience as you in work...you get up, and everyone immediately pesters you for things. Sometimes you feel like you have a ten ton weight implanted into your spinal cord...or something like that.
Well, if you're a good worker...people rely on you too much, instead of getting the job done themselves.
In my case, people are confusing my hard work with ambition. I'm not overly ambitious, and I'm happy where I am in my job...and I'd like to stay where I am.
-------------------------------
After reading Leknaat's post, I'm inclined to Re-install Unreal Tourmanent...but that means downloading all the voicepacks, skins and models again, which would take the best part of a day with my pathetic modem. I need a new connection...fast! Unfortunately, faster connections are still ludicrously expensive here in the UK, and I'm not willing to give up half my wage each month in order to download some files a bit quicker. I'm paying for a modem, what some of you americans are paying for cable. I hate my country sometimes. The phrase: "Rip-Off Britain" springs to mind.
Oh, and this post is the 100th post in this forum...not that it matters. ;)
8/18/01
Too frickin early AM
Ugh.
Well, with that out of the way, let's get to business. I woke up, walked the dog, and then slept. That was all well and good. I woke up at 9:30 (aka too early) so I slept so more. I woke up at 11 but I didnt want to get out of bed so I sat there and thought about stuff. I was dressed by noon, and came online. I talked to Elyse for a bit and ate my lunch (at the same time too, aren't I speshul?) Anyways, mom came home from work and I went upstairs and played Nintendo just cuz. After that I watched anime, walked the doggie, ate dinner, and watched a little tv. Then I went online..I talked to Britt and played my ORPG but mom was yelling at me to get off so I watched tv for a bit. Then I came back ehre, played my ORPG and now I'm here. All in all, a boring day. But it's summer so that's ok. :tongue: *Shrugs* I have a headache. *mutters*
Heh heh heh.. you misunderstand. I adore my job- however, this stress being thrown at me by parties who remain annoymous is annoying me- part of the reason it annoys me is because they bear little regard for my own life. Part of the reason I respect the person I do is because THEY care about how I feel, and in turn feel pain because of me. The annoyance of this hinders my performance at things I do (like work) which is why I seek to eliminate the problem straight away. But don't worry about me. :DQuote:
Originally posted by Rainecloud
I can sympathise with Britt on this one. I've only just started work, and I'm already I'm beginning to feel the pressure. Britt...you need to let your bosses know how you feel about all this pressure you're under.
_________
08/18/01
I don't feel bad, anymore. As anyone who knows me well can attest, things only bother me briefly- my cynical nature shining through. On the other hand, the problem still exists, but I've come to terms with it existing and move on.
8-18-01
I woke up around 9:30 and realized that I had fallen asleep last night while waiting for my parents to go to bed so I could sneak downstairs and stay up longer. I shrugged it off, took a shower, got dressed, and talked on IRC for about an hour before work. I put on my uniform and stuff around 10:45 and got to work about 5 minutes early. I actually wasn't supposed to be there, but I was working for a friend who had soccer practice. I needed the hours and owed him a few days anyway. Work went fine. It wasn't extremely busy, but busy enough to keep us from losing our minds to boredom. I got off a little late since there was a sudden rush of customers around 2:00, when I got off. I ended up getting off at about 2:20, but that's okay. I'm working for another guy tomorrow. I'm in a fairly decent mood.
I just thought this thread needed journal entry that wasn't depressing...
(Just to comfort Cha... I'll make a non depressive post too)
Wow, I haven't posted since 8/13...
Week days
Work. *g* If you call that work.
8/15
Public Holiday
8/18
Went to see FF: TSW. Great movie.
All around
Chatted with my girlfriend.
She called me on phone again. ^_^
I'm happy, in high cotton.
I'm finishing my preparations to fly over the ocean...
08.18.01
God, I'm tired.
I was semi-sick yesterday, but I decided to go to my friend's Abby's party/sleepover anyway. Played Nightmare, watched Storm of the Century, and ate party food. I almost fell asleep during SotC on the couch. T_T I was damn tired. The movie didn't end until 3:30 AM, and I didn't get to sleep until about 4:00. Hence why I'm so very tired. I haven't slept well in weeks either..
Man, my brain feels very, very jumbled. *sighs* Sometimes things just feel so complex, don't they? I guess I'm being hypocritical though because I tend to complicate things while trying to fix them. Everyone tells me I think too much... That's probably why everything seems so complex to me.
Lately I feel like everything I touch turns bad. I try to make things better, when they only get significantly worse. I really lack skills in problem solving, apparently. >_<
I've found I've been feeling quite apathetic lately, and frankly, I don't really care. Well... Maybe that's simply because I'm apathetic now.. Oh well. No one would notice anyway, even if I didn't feign happiness, so what does it really matter?
My, I'm in a good mood today, aren't I? Er, sorry for adding to the depressive posts in this thread.
I have the sudden urge to be somewhere where gravity is a lot stronger than it is now. I don't know why. Not strong enough to hurt, just strong enough to make me work to walk.
Erm, anyway... today was the fair in my crappy little village. And I didn't go, of course. That kind of fair sickens me. It really does. The village where I live.... a fair... a horrible combination. There were floats, there was pop music, there were stupid fair-type things. And, of course... there were a lot of people. Ugh.
So, me and my friends just hang out. I wasn't exactly in a happy mood. I had a serious talk with one of them, which was refreshing. I was in the mood for it. Well, I was mostly listening, I can't share my feelings with anyone, not even my friends. Anyway, we were just sitting around a playground, no-one was there apart from us because everyone was at the... fair... ugh. Eventually, they left on their bikes to chase the parade and hurl abuse at them (?), so, I just wandered back home without saying goodbye or anything, but I don't really care. I sometimes wonder why they bother with me. I mean...really. I'm not very funny, I don't do any of the more daring things that they do, I think I'm probably selfish without realising it, and I'm not the least goofy person around. I seem to be really clumsy too. Sometimes I wish they'd just give up on me. Leave me alone. But they wouldn't, unless I really changed. But why does anyone like me? I hate myself. I really do. I can't look in the mirror without shuddering. I have no talents. I...well, it's hard to describe how I feel about myself, so I won't keep rambling on. Man, i've lost the plot now. What was I talking about?
Er, nevermind.
Oh, and Rainecloud, you know you want to install UT again. Come on. You can come online with it and give me a royal beating! I'm terrible, honest. :D
August 18, 2001
Two more days of work. Then I move back to college. I'm not looking forward to going back as much as I thought I was, but that's to be expected. "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." I'm almost onto the other side of the fence again, I guess. It still seems greener, for the moment, but not quite as green as before. But I knew this was coming, so it's OK. :)
Other than that, I feel pretty crappy in general. But whatyagonnado.
August 18, 2001 Saturday
Today Was not a great day. I got up this morning to have a surprise blood test. No it's not because my parents suspect drugs(becaus I don't take em), it's more to check my health. Anyway I don't enjoy needles but it happens. So I went home and then my father wanted to go some where but I didn't feel up to it so he went off in a bad mood. So i sat at home and got online. I tried talking to people here at EoFF and other places and I got the same feeling Alixsar had, being ignored. So I just kept to myself and then got offline. I ate a few left-overs for luch and went out side to have some quiet time. I ended up falling asleep outside, which isn'r normal for me since I almost never take naps. But When I woke up my mother was home and she wanted to go to this fair a town away I didn't feel up to it but I went anyway. I didn't really enjoy it, but I tried to hide it so my mother could enjoy herself. When we got hom my father pulled in after use and he still had his bad mood so I kept my distance. And then I got online and here I am.
Well, it's a normal day, I can't wait until I get to go back to school I almost forget how depressing life is there, until I remember how bad it is there too. Aw well, such is life.
08-18-01
11:27 PM
Just got back from a church dance. It was held at the Dale City building, which was an interesting change. The floor is carpeted, but that didn't get in the way as much as I think some people expected it to. Before the dance we were at a friend's house celebrating his birthday (two weeks belated ^_^); we went to the dance from there. It was a lot of fun, but toward the end I just sat on the sidelines. When there's no one for you to dance with (I'd already danced with all my guy friends), what else do you do? For the last dance, one of my friends (the guy whose birthday it was) asked me to dance, so I did. I don't blame them or anything; it's hard to include everyone all the time. I don't want them to feel like my feelings are hurt, because they're not. I just don't like standing around doing nothing. oO Overall, the whole evening was rather enjoyable. I can't complain too much.
A word of advice: you know those candy bubbles? You blow 'em, and when you catch them in your mouth they taste good? DON'T drink the concentrate. xD I did this, and at this very moment I'm still drinking water to try to soothe my throat.
I declare today to be the day of luckynickygoodstuffandthingsness! hm...firstly, i lost my umbrella last week, and today it was pouring and i was just about to leave and be soaked when i found my brother's old umbrella on the floor...yay! then, not only did my sad friend cheer up, but things turned out EXACTLY how i'd imagined them, which was really strange but...yay! then the librarian told me she had....my lost umbrella....yay! and my friend bought me a ticket to the opera...yay! and then my other friend gave me a muffin for no apparent reason...yay! ooooh....and we had AFRICAN DRUMMERS! and they performed during our history class...yay! and my friend just gave me another muffin...and i got to paint things during my study period...yay! hurray! hoorah! that is all.
Hmm.... it's been an... um... interesting day. Yeah, that'll do. Boring and interesting at the same time, somehow.
I've been PMing a few people again, that's nice. Quite often due to what's said in this thread, to be honest. I know that it's awesome when someone replies to one of my posts here... so I thought, hey, why not see if someone else would like it too? It's wonderful to know you matter to people.
My friend, as Nicky pointed out, is happy again, which rules. Though, I hope it turns out ok, coz I can *so* see this blowing up in one month or so... but then again, for all I know, it could last forever. That'd be dandy, coz the two people rule.
I'm friends with Em again, but now we've agreed to stop texting each other too much, coz for some reason it makes us argue! Much better when we're stupid and stuff. Dandy.
THE BIG THING: I'm going to Scotland next year! I told my Dad and stepmum, and they're fine with it, which is really weird. But I'm gonna go! I've told a few people, but the one who was most weirded out was Emma... she didn't think I was actually gonna. >_< But hey, she's kew with it, and I'm so happy I'm actually gonna meet her and stuff. And Wyllius can be my wonderful friend that goes shopping and scaring and *crosses fingers* lending me his internet access so I can post here! Woo!
Um, yeah. That is all. Oh, I'm still trying to convince one of those girls who send you random messages telling you to look at them nude to actually chat to me, that'd be interesting. No luck *sigh*... but here's my current conversation:
EDIT: more of the same of the chat. ie, no progress whatsoever... well, no one else sends me messages, so meh! :pQuote:
asweethotlip_4: I'm looking for a friend! See me at http://...
del_chixsar: I can be a friend, if you let me... though, I'm guessing you're more in the mood to entertain. Can you entertain me without being nude?
asweethotlip_4: See me del_chixsar at http://...
del_chixsar: I'm really not in the mood, and this cpu doesn't actually allow that stuff, it's a school one with crap all for video etc. So... how's ya, anyhow?
asweethotlip_4: See me del_chixsar at http://...
del_chixsar: Man... you seem like a kew person to chat to. Such a wonderful conversationist ;)
asweethotlip_4: See me del_chixsar at http://...
del_chixsar: I have a friend named Abbie. She lives in Masterton. Whereabouts are you located?
asweethotlip_4: See me del_chixsar at http://...
del_chixsar: Hmm... this isn't getting very far. Let me think... what's your email?
del_chixsar: *wonders how many asweethotlips there are out there, given you're number 4*
Note: I removed the address coz I don't think we should have porn links here, that'd be icky.
*deletes last post*
8/20/01
Sorry about that last post, I'd just gotten home from a long day of earning $6.10 an hour for manual labor... ugh... I hate my job. Oh well, other than that everything is fine. Yesterday was Sunday and Sundays always cheer me up. I went to church and my teacher taught a very good lesson. I finished inking my pic for the Britt contest at about 4 AM this morning and I think it looks.. not too shabby, so now I'm happy. Today I have work (ugh) so I'm gonna try to finish my pic soon.
8/20/01
Woo hoo! Got my schedule changed, and everything is OK!! Man, I hated my other teacher. And my class.
NMH, this is the first time I could get on in a while, I've been doing other busy school work, especially the reading. We already have a book assigned to us.
Hmmm, everyone seems to back at school already... *goes back September 7th* :D
Well, anyway. My toe is sore. I went to the doctors today to have my verrucas cryo-treated with liquid nitrogen. Strangely enough, it's more of a burning treatment than a freezing treatment, even though liquid nitrogen is very, very cold. Ah well. It looks exactly the same to me. But, whatever.
Got new CD today. I think my musical taste is broadening, if not changing, because I got a Cradle of Filth album, even though a month ago I swore never to like their style of music. It grew on me though, so I decided to buy the album with a couple of songs I like on it, Midian. It seems pretty good. And I'm hopefully getting Adrenaline by the Deftones tomorrow. I don't have any other Deftones albums.
I've also taken a liking to the somewhat stupidly-named Doom-metal. Thanks to Steiner-Dave Hybrid for recommending Rhapsody, I've listened to them and other bands like them, such as Nightwish, Theatre of Tradegy and Tristiana (or is it Tristania? I forget.), and I quite like them, so I've just downloaded anything by anyone in the Doom-metal section on Audiogalaxy.
Owwee.... my toe.... *overacts*
today was the day of ...stuff. daniel kept debating about trees (he was WRONG!) so then when he couldn't think of any rebuttal he kept whacking me over the head with a couch cushion so i tied his shoelaces together and then the cat ran away and he hit me (really hard!) so i tipped the couch over and mangled his brains. accidentally. then i was singing songs from 'whose line' but no one was listening so we played 'mercy' and towns won by a lot and then he went insane and said the clowns were going to eat me. i don't want clowns to eat me. can't sleep. clowns will eat me...daniel is mean :D
Today
*insert time here*
I don't know why I said I was coming back to the forums. I havent posted in days. heh. Oh well. Anyways, I woke up, played video games, and chatted. That was it. I'm really tired so this is short....and stuff. Ok. Nite. *collapses*
-Alex
August 21st 10:30 AM
Well, summer is almost over and I look back and it wasn't one of the greatest I've ever had:( Sure, I did a couple of cool things...went to my cottage for a week, and my birthday party...but nothing that I'll remember for the rest of my life. I was telling myself, before summer started, that it would be the S.O.R. (Summer of Rob), but I don't see that happening anymore. I also wanted to get my first girlfriend before the end of summer, but I see all my chances going down the drain.
Yes this summer was a drag but next summer will be better:)...I hope.
~White Raven
August 21, 2001.
*Located a journal place at www.diaryland.com. Decided it was better to blurb my bad emotions and saddness there where complete strangers rather than close friends could read them. Probably because strangers get less personal about issues, it's nice to have people listen... I just don't like the idea of others getting involved with my problems when they have their own. I'm aware that no strangers will comment. That's what I'm looking for.*
I'm quite content right now. ^_^ I'm not tired, I'm not depressed.... on the contrary I'm very happy. I'm very thankful I have so many friends, I'm thankful I have someone who loves me and I can love back, I'm thankful I'm where I am.
I do however need to admit I'm upset that everyone else is upset. What makes it even more upsetting is there's nothing I can really do about it. It hurts so much more to have to stand idly while my friends are being hit down, and here I am smiling. It makes me wish that I could suffer all the pain you all endure. It makes me wish I could take it away from you and keep it to myself.
I'd like to add that no one here is alone. Whether you like it or not.
Well... on the 19th I did something stupid, which isn't a big shock. I'm a small dumb person. Well long story short I smacked my chin off some glass and gauged my chin. The cut wasn't deep... it's just that well there's not much other than skin between the bone and the skin of your chin. Well, It was deep enough and wide enough so that when I moved it up and streched it open you could see the bone. ^.^ Mmmmm..... yumm.
I'm such a klutz. I'm also hungry... Since my chin has been wounded I can't chew or suck which decreases my choice of menu to .... liquids. -_- *weeps* "I so hungy."
Owies, Umi. >< Sounds like it's gonna leave a sizeable scar. Hope your wound heals quickly...you ought to show us pictures. xD
Captain's Log Sta... bollocks to that.
I've been with a recruitment agency over the summer holidays and they try and find me temporary work. I'd been exceptionally pleased with their complete lack of job opportunities (I'd only signed up to please my mum and dad) up till now. However, today everything changed. I got a job in a flat pack furniture factory and it was the hardest days work of my life. Lifting 2' x 4's, flipping them and then putting them in a flatpack box. One every 8 seconds or so (it had a little counter of how many had been done by the end of the day and it was in the many thousands). Needless to say, I'm in much pain, especially my back which wasn't happy with all the bending and lifting. 8.5 hours is just too much for that kind of work and for only four pounds an hour (less than $6 I think)? I don't think so.
Anyway I'm going to do one more day then quit. I'm not cut out for physical labour of this kind (i'm too puny, help!). My body has just never felt so tired.
*lifts finger, says 'ow', groans, types, dies*
5 days until hell breaks loose!!!
1 AM
No! School!!!! AHH!!! *hides*
Anyways, today was kinda neat. I woke up at noon and went on the ORPG I play. My character supposed to meet a blind date but she stood him up. Well, actually her power went out so she couldnt use the computer. Heh. So we just postponed it till later. Then I got off the 'puter and watched TV for a long time. Then mom came home and started complaining about stuff. What else is new? Anyways, I went upstairs and tried to watch the Mobile Suit Gundam tapes my friend sent me but my mom kept bugging me and I couldn't watch 'em. I ate dinner and then went on my ORPG and my character had his date. My character is cool. XD Anyways, then I went into chat and talked. Then I made an anti-Bruckner thread because it's not funny.
-_-;; And now I'm here and very tired. So...nite!
- Alex
23/8/01:
I typed out 78 "Death Cards" at work today...it's very depressing. I wish I could do some nice work down in the basement - like typing out Birth cards and Engagement cards...but alas...that is not to be.
My job makes me wonder...if 200+ people are dying every day in my local area, what on earth must it be like worldwide. Who's next? It's made me realise how incredibly short and precious life really is.
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I'm really enjoying EoFF a lot now. I've made more Friends here over the past 5 or so months than I ever did when I first joined. I'm having a lot of fun in the forums, and it's great to read the opinions of others.
My thread on "Sean's Hidden" settings went down a treat, and I'm glad others are deriving enjoyment from it.
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I've seen a lot of madness in the forums recently. About 5 members have left...seemingly for no reason. I don't understand it. Some of them harp on about EoFF being really bad and nasty. Apparently, it's "The Worst it's ever been". I disagree. It's the best it's ever been, thanks to the Mods and Admins getting everything in order with all their hard work.
It's nice to know that so many people are here enjoying EoFF, and it's a great community to be a part of.
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It's Bank Holiday on Monday, so I get a day off work. Unfortunately...I'll be typing out twice as many cards on Tuesday because of this, but no matter, at least I get paid £50 for doing absolutely nothing.
I'd better make some more humerous pictures for that insane "Sean" thread...
I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling now very well, but.. I'll try my best. I feel.. nothing, basically. I'm empty. Not depressed. Well actually... maybe I am. I don't know. But.... it's weird. I've always liked mucking around with my name on MSN and my sig and avatars on here, and other forums, but now I just don't care. Well, perhaps it's not that I don't care, but more... I don't think I'd like anything that I'd use. I'm not exactly in the mood for caring about a game, a TV show, or whatever. I usually would try to have an avatar like Vincent, or some strong, dark character if I was feeling low, but.... not even that would suit me. I want something meaningful, but nothing means anything to me. And this kind of applies to everything in my life right now... meaningless. I mean, I know it's pointless, I am a nihilist after all, but even so, I usually have feelings for things. But now, I'm searching for meaning to something. I'm searching for enjoyment. This sounds very corny, but... I want to love someone. Give my life meaning, and happiness. I'm probably just rambling now, but I'm trying to write what I feel, and I don't think I'm doing it very well. But... uh.... I don't even think I want to..... er.....
I have no idea what I was going to say there. I don't really know what to say now. There is so much on my mind, that if I tried to write it all I'd probably die. And that would perhaps be a good thing, for me. Well actually, it wouldn't... because I wouldn't be alive to know it was a good thing.
....
I... I'll stop now. I feel odd. No, wait. I want to write more, but I can't find the words.
Nevermind.
I emailed u early 2 day at rainecloud@hotmail.com ...im not sure if uve changed ure email since...but i need ure assistance with ure tutorial for building voicepacks...please reply!!
-Op
08-24-01 (Friday)
1:04 PM
I was just looking through an old, old thread in EoEO. 'Twas Asorie's "When life sucks..." thread. Reading my old entries just made me that much happier that I pulled out of that pit. :) February to...March or April, can't remember which, was one of the darkest periods of my life. And yet, I learned so much from it. :/ I think that it strengthened me quite a bit, showed me what I needed to do to deal with emotions I couldn't understand or control, and made me think a lot about what I want out of life. Sooo...somehow, despite all the pain, I'm...grateful for it. oO
Anyway, school starts in about a week and a half. One more year, and I'm off to college; incredible. Oo I don't even know what I want to do. >< Supposedly most people don't really know for sure until they've been going for a year or two. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who has to know what's going on, and well in advance. I have the gift and curse of planning way, way ahead of the present, and I get a bit antsy when I don't know what's going to happen. I've been thinking about editting as a career--in which case my best bet would probably be to major in English. That'd be rather cool, I think, since I have a natural knack for it.
/ramble :)
8-24-01 11:24 PM
Today was good. It was pretty much wasted away with playing my emulators and messing around.
Woke up about 10:00 AM this morning, which is early compared to the times I usually wake up. Played my roms today a bit, messed around with the FF7 Debug room with my Gameshark, and got on the net.
Tonight was the first football game of the season, and unlike the rest of my family, I stayed home. 'Twas gwate. I talked on the net a lot, got on chat, and downloaded Dancing With Myself by Blink 182, which is uber nifty. I can't stop listening to it. I was going to watch Banzai Movie Friday, but unfortunately it's not on this week. When my family got home, my sister and a friend ordered a pizza, and I swiped a few. Tonight has been great.
The only low point is that after I d/led RealPlayer to watch Blink 182 videos at www.blink182.com, I found that whatever server the movies is on is messed up tonight, so I have to wait to watch them.
With the music selection and the mirror's reflection, I'll be dancing with myself.
August 25, 2001 10:36 AM
I had a bit of trouble getting my computer to work on the network here at college, but I finally got it working. I'm not as excited about having a fast internet connection as I was when I first came here as a freshman. It seems like I had a million things I wanted to do all summer once I got my computer hooked back up to the internet, but now that I'm here, I can't remember any of them.
College is pure evil. I'd almost forgotten how much I don't like it at all. I don't mind the actual learning part, but I don't like all the drinking, partying, promiscuity, and general corruption/crime/anarchy. I don't know why college students have such a need to start acting like idiots. Then again, I suppose people my age who aren't in college would probably be just as bad anyways. Ah well.
August 25, 2001 Saturday 12:23pm
So many thoughts running rampantly through my mind.. I'm not quite sure what to think anymore. The only two people that I can really talk to irl left for college yesterday, so I can't talk to them about any of this.
I have a nagging worry in the back of my head.. I keep pushing it back, trying to forget it.. but it always creeps up.. "what if..." It's driving me mad, and it's really worrying me. everytime it pops up I get a bit more paranoid.. which is something I really don't want to deal with at this point. It's made me question my future and everything.. *sighs* I wish I knew.. I wish i could just find out right now, make the worry a definate and deal with it.. but alas I cannot.
I've been sick for over two days now. I look at food and feel queesy, i think about it and i do the same. I wake up and feel like throwing up.. more info than you all needed i'm sure but meh. I slept for nearly 15 hours straight last night... I woke up for an hour or two to come online but that was it. I hate being sick, it makes me feel so helpless, so defensless.. so powerless... :(
add to that the fact that i'm bored, and fairly lonely. My best online friends aren't online right now, and my best irl friends aren't here. One ditched me not too long ago, and made me cry my eyes out.. the others left for school.. and the one that stuck around is being distant and acting pretty weird towards me. *sighs* I wish I could make all the worries, all the questions, all my fears and pains go away... or at least not happen all at once... :(
Aug 25, 1:08pm
Life...fate...unfair...both of them together.
I hate how unfair things can be. I hate having to work for money...some of my friends, have millions, they don't have to work for anything, while I work my ass off and I only havea lousey $4000 to show for it! I have to pay for my own car, university tuition. Those people that have millions don't need to work for anything. The'r path is layed out infront of them...
their interest for one month is double that of what I have total money in the bank...
When I think about it, I become depressed...I know alot of people will tell you that money doesn't make you happy...
Well, I think that they were wrong! If I were to have millions, I would be very happy, I would still work, but knowing that I dont need to.
I know spome of them..they would give it all up for a girl/boyfriend. They tell me that I am lucky to have one (as angelic as she is. I love her with my all my heart), I do feel lucky...but I would be happier if money were no object...
Life and fate deal cruel hands to some people...others are blessed with the path that is layed before them. I...am not one of those people....
My rant is done...I'm gonna go contemplate what it all means now...why we all have to pay so much for things that we want, when we will die eventually....
Good bye...
this feels weird. 25. elokuuta, 2001. Well, I'd really like the world to be different. I'd like to live in Winhill, in my own little house where I could pick acorns all day. I'd be a friend of the squirrels... all of different colour. I wouldn't have to worry about whether Britt loves me or not... I would know he loves me. We'd go wander in the fields together. I'd think about all my unborn children with oh-so-pretty names. Britt and I would argue a little about my hair. I'd say: "It gets in the way a lot since it's been growing for 4 years now. He says: "I like it that way, don't cut it, I can braid it for you every morning when we wake up and see the sun shining through the pretty windows." Then we'd agree that I'll let it grow a little bit longer. We'd talk about the festival in the village, held to celebrate the ripe fruit of the autumn. I'd be waiting for the winter to come for on the 24th of November, our first child will be born. Her name will be... Crescent, and Britt will embrace her with such devotion. He will be a good father.
What? O_o
08.25.01
_______________
I'm all nervous and stuff. Today, hopefully, is when Angela and I find out if its possible for us to meet this Labor Day. I hope beyond hope that we can. If we can't... we'll just have to wait, I guess. All I know is that I love her more than life itself.
...
Lovelorn.
I need a hug...
Not the idea of one, or the knowledge that someone wants to hug me.
A real live actual hug.
...
Don't you need somebody to love?
How's the rest of that go...
I didn't think I'd write in here. I already have an OpenDiary. I can write in there.
...
man.
I'm not suicidal. I never have been. But death...
nah
I was happy the other day. I got to matchmake Britt and Asorie.
I overcredit myself. It obviously would have happened eventually, but I got to hurry along the process.
I made two people happy. Now I'm happy.
Or then I was happy. Now I'm the same as I was then. Just in a different house. And not quite as insane.
My dad choked me on Wednesday so I got to move out. :) He doesn't have a history for physical abuse but I've always had no respect for him. He is a worthless hunk of flesh, and FINALLY, he gave me what I needed to leave.
While choking, he moved me back into my room, by my scanner. There was a knife hidden behind the scanner. It's always been there; I have knives where I spend the most time incase I need them. Don't call me crazy. I've never needed to use them. But just in case there might come a time... And, see, this was a time, so don't say "It'd never have happened".
I could have killed him if I wanted to. But something said to me that you just DON'T do that to your own FATHER. Just like you don't CHOKE you're own damned SON.
...unpleasant thoughts...
Oi. I might get used to this entry stuff here. A little unorganized... Hmm... I think I'll make a suggestion to Britt. We're talking right now.
...
I'm a comedian, right? I make people laugh. If people are happy, I'm happy.
...is that all I am to you...?
What am I? Give me some other purpose than for your own entertainment, someone. I hate being worthless.
8-25-01
I just got back from visting relatives in Ticonderoga, NY. It was nice seeing my Great Grandmother again and my Great Uncle and Aunt. I went to see the fort, which was pretty cool. The only thing I didn't like was the long ride.
It's nice to be back home again and I am actually looking foward to school which starts on the 28th. i haven't seen my friends in while now.
I am also getting used to Eoff. It really is a great place.:)
I'm tired, and hot.
*SIGH*
I'm losing interest in games, maybe the internet, mosly lost it in a lot of TV, and i wouldn't be surprised if I lost it in music, too soon. I'm a fool.
8-25-01
My parents are major alcoholics, They drink up to the point where they don't know what's happening... I wouldn't care if they drank little alcohol, but they affect me by being drunk, They wonder why I don't respect them... Who would respect a drunk person?... I don't know why they drink so much? To get away from reality, Or to get away from my family and I? I wish that my dad and mom would stop drinking whatsoever... I guess they don't know how much it hurts my sister, brother and me. It also has been brought that alcohol has made my parents fight more... My mom was brought to tears by my insensitive, foolish, bastard of a father that I have.
He insults my mom, me, and the rest of my family. If I ever have a wife, I wouldn't treat her the way that my father does... As far as being my father, He is only blood related to me. That bastard wouldn't even call his own mother to see that she is alright after major surgery. I also think that bastard is cheating on my mother... I hate my father. Period. Obviously, I will be moving out of the house the day I turn 18. I want to get as far away from that bastard as soon as possible. I just hope that I'll treat my wife and kids inverse of that my father treated my mom and my siblings.
Whatever the :bou::bou::bou::bou::bou: day it is
Now
Ugh. Just ugh. That's all I have to say. I'm tired. Very very tired. Just...of everything. School starts soon so that's going to make me miserable. Mom has switched into super bitch mode. Summer's already over. I dunno...I'm just tired. I'm sick of not having any friends in the real world. Online friends are great but I want something real...and I can't have it. It's awful...I have to go to a new school now to make matters worse. I just want to go upstairs, fall asleep...and not wake up. Not to die...just to be asleep forever....that's all that I want. To sleep...I want to get away from the pain forever and live a peaceful life of nothing. That's all I'll ever amount to anyways. So why can't I live a life like it? I am nothing so why can't I be nothing? Ugh...I'm tired. I think it's sleep time.
we're all so messed up! Which is weird. 26. elokuuta, 2001. Well, I knew the world wasn't any different but for once... just for once I let my spirit guide me. I didn't want everybody to know how much I'd been watcing them although they clearly know nothing of me. And it turned out a mess. Oh well. I'll never do it again. I hope. I hate myself for being so weak. I'm always waiting for something to happen but it never does. Love does not exist. It's just an illusion. :eep:
26.8.01
23:00
I'm tired. I need some sleep. It's too hot.
I love my girlfriend.
The week-end wasn't great nor bad.
I have to work from tomorrow for my exams. That sux0rs.
08.26.01
It's hot. I'm tired. I feel gross. Bleh.
Ah well. I'm going back into work, tomorrow, which is why I should cherish today.
I hate Sundays. I always feel terrible on Sundays. It's almost like the cheer and holiness generally associated with Sundays makes me sick. xD Which would make sense.
08.26.01
Wow, a lot sure has happened since I last posted, and, of course, I came out having nothing. Business as usual.
Went to a party last night. Not very many people came.. 2 couples. That also reminded me of something: I'm the only single one out of my friends. Oh, yay. What perfect timing for someone to throw that in my face. I had convinced myself that I was okay, but today was a reminder that I'm not. I still cry every time I here "I Will Remember You" by Sarah Mclachlan.
I got told I annoy people today. Yeah, like I need to deal with that right now.. Oh well, I have to anyway. Sometimes I wonder if people think about how their actions effect people at all. I'm thinking no.
I've decided to go back into swimming. It's a good way to get out frustractions, for me at least. Not this summer though, maybe next, or in the winter. I haven't quite decided. It doesn't make much difference though. The world doesn't stop for the broken hearted, no matter how much you want it to.
August 26, 2001 7:40pm
Useless.. completely.. that's the way i'm going to start out tonite because that's how i feel. I've tried to do so many things today, and nothing has seemed to turn out right. It's like no matter how much i care, and no mater how much i listen and try to help it just doesn't do a damned thing. I was talking to one of my best friends tonite because something was bothering them a lot. We got into a discussion about why these things are bothering them and all of a sudden they got angry with me and left. I was hurt by it, and quite honestly felt like i was going to cry. That's just part of what's bothering me. i just feel as if nothing i do is good enough anymore.. *sighs*
Haha I was listening to the radio to Rick Dees(sp) and it is Eve and Gwen Stafani and it says "Drop your glasses shake your" and then it has a sound effect going oooh! Haha That's funny! Well going into 7th grade woo woo! lol Well yea I am not excited hehe! Ugh Hohum! Back track think back E-V-E! Hehe sorry...DOn't eat the PIZZA!!! Hahaha!!!
I love the stars. I found an anchor consellation and I always love to close my eyes and tink under 'em I hear tonight it is gonna be cold so I'll take out a blanky and pillow and maybe some hot coco mmm.... I love to think of stuff like after death and if there may be another or someptin hmmmm.... Makes you think... Well gotta go luvies!
8.27.01 12:05 A.M.
Today's my last day of freedom before school starts. Summer was really fun, and I got to do things I can't do during shcool. I'm starting at HS this year, and the place looks fun. I've changed a lot, and so have my friends, and I've had a great summer. It seems like only yesterday I was so happy to get out of school. Oh well, maybe I should go to sleep sometime in the next four hours.
August 27, 2001 1:08am
damn live journal is still down. :mad: gawd.. and i really needed to write in that today too. *sighs*
anyways.. not feeling much better than i was before. I guess i'm a bit cheered up, jon's been talking to me and it's helped a little bit, but i'm still being sooo cynical and bitchy and i don;t know why it's happening.
I feel myself pulling back into myself and becoming less able to talk to people about what's bothering me. I was just starting to open up too.. *sighs* i spose lack of people to talk to when you're upset will do that to you. My introversion bothers me a lot tho. I always have so much inside that i don;t know how to deal with, but lately it seems like there's only been one or two people that i can talk to and I feel as tho i've been burdeing them. I can't do that any longer, and i can't just talk openly about what's ailing me to just anyone, i'm not open like that.
09/27/01
2:54 am
Headaches and tears flood me once again.
It's my fault as usual though.
I get so over-emotional, bah.
I should go to bed, but I chose to stay until I just drop.
This way, I'm insured a nice long sleep.
I miss the way my bed used to feel.
Those nights I didn't toss or turn and wake up.
Those nights I woke up with a smile.
Am I fading? Am I falling? Can you see me? I feel so...invisible. Today I'm so unlcuky and it's just been bad all together.
I feel like I'm floating in deep cold waters. I can feel the coldness wrap around me like snakes slithering. The waters are never ending and I just float there, my arms wide open. It's like I try to move and only my finger tips cringe. It's my own crucifitcion.
I've been haunted even in my dreams for the past few days. I never wanted to tell anyone this... but I just felt like it right now. Everything is wearing me down, my seams are being torn apart bit by bit. I'm so hyper-sensative... nothing can be said with out hitting one of my many hidden wounds.
I don't mean to be so depressive.. I jsut can't help it. I don't mean to be so dark... but I just can't see a light. Maybe I'm not looking. I care for so many people... but I just hurt them, even though it's unintentional.
I'll be better. I promise that much...just give me time.
Smile everyone. ^_^
Always take care. You're all very dear, and Scott: I love you.
August 27, 2001 3:00AM
Alot of people are having family problems here...it is depressing.
My parents divorced 1 year ago in a few days. At first, I was sadened, then...as I was moving...I became happier
I, like alot of you, cannot standmy father at some points...once in a while I am actually happy to see him.
But a few months ago...I can't remember why...my dad had me pined down for some reason...we actually fought...I kicked him off me...he came after me...I still just beat him away...he knows I am stronger than him
although you wouldnt know it by looking at us...
I was bad...just fighting...
And before school ended in June...about May or so...
my mother and I were fighting everyday...arguing, screaming and hitting (I have never hit her and never will, I love my mom)...I just hit the house...
One day she told me that I couldn't see my g/f until exams were over...
that night, late....I took a razor and carved into my arm, chest and other arm... one was a "KT" (Katie:Her name)
the scar is still there.
Me and my mom have since stopped fighting and the blades are all gone to the landfill by now...
But found out...that my mom is in debt....next year will be better, but now it's bad....
later all....if you want to...PM me...(dunno why tho)
Heh... It's really not the big deal people make it out to be... My family's been in debt for half of my life. I'm sure things will work out for you guys.Quote:
Originally posted by Gotenks
But found out...that my mom is in debt....next year will be better, but now it's bad....
08.27.01
__________________
I have come to the conclusion that if there is a God, this is his cruel, twisted way of punishing the heretics. Unless some miracle occurs, Angela and I won't be together anytime soon. I was up until about 1 in the morning (A fairly unwise choice, seeing as how I'm due to work at 6:45- I got up at 5:50.) simply rolling around in a near-delirium. Trapped by the darkness around me- held back from the world.
All I know is that things will work out, eventually, given time. I know that. Time is so slow and cruel, though. For the first time in my life, doors seem to be opening. I feel as though High School will never end- it hasn't even began, yet. All I know is that I want to be with Angela.
Quote:
Originally posted by Britt
All I know is that things will work out, eventually, given time. I know that. Time is so slow and cruel, though. For the first time in my life, doors seem to be opening. I feel as though High School will never end- it hasn't even began, yet. All I know is that I want to be with Angela.
You have to be patient. I know what I'm talking about, considering the fact that my girlfriend lives on the other side of the bad move we call Atlantic Ocean. I know that 4 months left (minus 1 day) are between us, until I meet her. You're still "young" and you'll realize that time runs faster then you can expect it. I hope things will work for you as soon as possible, until then, you have to keep hope.
27.8.01
After lunch.
I chatted with my girlfriend this morning. She was tired and a bit angry, because someone told her he'd help her to move stuff from her appartement to her dorm, and he finally didn't show out. Yesterday was her birthday, and she was a bit sad, because people keep forgetting to wish her. It seems that I am the only one who told her with voice (I called her).
Now she has moved her comp and realized that the campus has a BAD connection, making impossible for her to connect for now. I don't know how long she won't be able to connect. I know she might call me though.
I have to work for my exams. Meh. I hate it.
And I have to finish that database prog soon. Meh.
The positive thing with this summer is that by failing to get a job in Japan in French ambassy, I really get to know some people, a special someone in particular.
that's more than enough to save this summer.
27.8.01:
Hmm. Boredom and more boredom. I was looking forward to this bank holiday, and it's turned out to be a boring mess. I have absolutely nothing to do, nobody is on chat and all my relatives are out.
Bank Holidays...the roads are clogged, the weather is far too hot and no shops are open. There is absolutely Nothing to do! I'd rather be at work, and I never thought I'd say that.
Going out for a meal tonight. It's going to be quite special. I think it will be the highlight of the day. At least I'm getting paid from work for doing absolutely nothing.
August 27, 2001 12:01 PM
Classes began today. I remember I always used to be nervous about going back to school the first day. But I wasn't this year. I'm glad I finally learned not to be nervous about that sort of thing. Too bad it took me 13 years of public school + 2 years of college to learn it, though. It could've come in handy in the past.
This thread is mightily depressing. So I'm making a point of not typing anything sad myself. I'm trying to learn how not to dwell on problems, especially problems that don't have a solution. The problems will still be there whether you sit around thinking about them or not.
I'm sitting here by myself in my room, and my roommates are all at class. Mostly everyone in my building is in class, I think. Everything is so quiet. Everything seems really surreal in a way. I like times like this. I can just sit here and let time pass me by.
August 27, 2001 1:00 p.m.
Well, I'm at work right now taking my lunch. I've been feeling really strange today. Melancholy almost. It's a payroll week so I am having to rush to meet the deadline.
Marlaina and I have been reading this book called Boundaries. I am learning so much about how even I have not set proper boundaries. I know I've set some, but I realize that some of my thinking and actions are enmeshed. It's something that can't be fixed overnight, but I know eventually I'll be emotionally healthy again.
I just hope Marlaina and I can get past this last year. I hope that we will be able to laugh everday, one day. Our bonds have grown so strong over this past hear, and I only hope it continues to grow.
August 29, 2001
_______________
I feel blaaah. xD I'm probably going to walk down to the coffee shop when mom gets home to take care of my sister. I hate having to be stuck watching the brat. xD
I'll also be watching her tonight, when my parents go out for their typical Wednesday night on the town. However, I use the word "watching" loosely. I'll likely be on the phone with Angela all night, if things work out. xD *sigh* *irresponsible*
08.29.01
Ahhh, back from my first day of classes. (I know it's late, but...). School was such a bore today, the same junk thrown at me from all of my teachers about "Rules and Expectations", don't they think we'd understand by 7th period? Oh well, It'll be hard for me to actually work, I got real homework today, that's depressing. I'd rather play games, or go to the forums, then do homework, but oh well. I still have weekends free. Oh yeah, 10:30 is way early to go to bed, and 6:30 is way early to get up. Friday night there's no football game, it's been moved to saturday so I don't have to march Friday. Yeah, this ends my long, non-coherent rant.
Phew. Got my forum set up. I'm pretty pleased with it, so far. Avatars are pretty small, though. Bah. I'll try and get some new members and stuff, soon, too.
I gotta get off the net at 1:00 now.
The time now.... 1:15. Hmm.....
August 30, 2001 12:25 AM
I only have one class on Thursday and one on Friday this term. It's pretty nice. Since I didn't take Japanese again, I have about 50% of the work I did last year, too. That's also pretty nice. I get to sleep in every Thursday through Sunday now too, since my classes are late. I'm so glad I'm not working at that horrible job any more.
At the same time, college has many horrible aspects. The people in the room above me play insanely loud music all the time, so it's impossible to study. I have a 3 mile walk uphill every day to get to classes, so my feet are killing me. I haven't been eating right, since I don't have any time, and soon my money is going to run out, so I'll need to get a job, or starve to death, or beg my parents for money (which I doubt they'd give me). My roommates party all the time, getting drunk and whatnot, which is rather annoying. And then there's the general crappiness of being around people of my own age constantly.
So I guess if I weigh the goods against the bads, the scale is balanced pretty well, possibly leaning toward the negative side. Not that it really matters. Being in a better environment has never helped my mood any. Happiness comes from within.
I just realized that I haven't posted in this thread since the change; though I meant to. :)
This is from my LJ.
Mood:Hyper.
Music: Evangelion: EVA-00.
Entry:
Yeppers, I'm back! ^_^
The plane landed very early this morning.
I remember what I dislike about travelling most, right now; collecting our luggage. It's exhausting! Specially if every suitcase was twice my size or something...okay, I'm exaggerating. The suitcases were extremely heavy! >_<;;. For some reason, I was yelling at Henry to pull the big suitcase, now that is really something twice his size. But it was closer to him, and poor Henry did try to pull it but he couldn't! But a guy standing there thought I was talking to him; pulled it off the belt and set it in front of me. Hee-hee, how nice! :)
When we were at the airport in KSA, Mai, Pat and I went shopping along with Sunny. (Shopping in the Duty Free that is). When we were going back to the lounge we heard a call about the flight to Dubai. But our flight was an hour later so we didn't really pay any attention. But we saw alot of people standing in line in front of one of the gates. We looked at the stuff written above the gate and suddenly Mai gasped: "Ohmygosh! That's our flight!!"
We hurried to the lounge and told our mum's. Mum said to run tell my father (who was in the smoking section of the lounge). He left the lounge then came back and told us that they're saying that the plane just arrived so there was no reason for us to rush to it. But about 15 minutes after that we were all racing to the gate. *Giggles*. As Mai said: "We can't travel without being late for the plane". But we weren't late that time. The only time in our lives!
Last Monday when we were leaving Dubai; it was the last call for people leaving for Jeddah and my father, uncle and brother were in front of the Cafe getting sandwiches. 0_0;;.
Anyway; Mai was telling me that she wishes she were going to Malaysia. I told her that I wanted to go there again as well. I wish we do get to all go together some time soon. It's nice to travel with relatives and friends.
I know, I know I probably bored everybody with all this travel talk; I might still bore everyone with it in all the next few entries but I can't help it! I'm still so hyper. ^_^
August 30, 2001 - 7:23 AM CST
Well, I'm back from my week and a half of absence and I'm so behind in reading threads that I just think I'll wait til I have a day free to read. That includes this one; I love to read the journal entries, but I just don't have time.
I'm back at school now. Classes start next Wednesday; residents move in next Sunday and Monday. I'm a hall executive this year (Vice Pres. of my hall), so I'm up here a week early power tripping with my meager authority (I HAVE A KEY TO THE OFFICE!), getting lots of training on how to corrupt young minds--er--be a hall leader, and other assorted stuff. We've been putting in 12-14 hr days, so, hence not having time to catch up with EoFF. Meh. I'm looking forward to classes starting just because I'll have more time to slack.
I had a lot happen in the last week, I'll probably end up putting all that in my next entry, because now I have just a short time before my day begins. But on the bright side, today is only a 12 hour day! Yay! [/sarcasm]
I know "I'm back" threads aren't allowed, but since this isn't one, I just want to say I've missed you all and I'm really glad that I frightened the internet people here into making my computer work properly. *shares the love in the form of chocolate-chip cookies with you all*
The mega-long entry on my past week and a half will come later. I hope everyone's having a good week.
~Becky
Thursday 30th August 2001
It's my second day at work after returning from my Water Polo tour in Belgium. I've turned up for work early both days, ive actually done some work and I've also tried hard in training.
The tour was brilliant, 4 days of extreme heat and sun, an out-door swimming pool.. and leisure pool.. plenty of cold water, plenty of games, plenty of fun and... plenty of very fine mainland european women :whoa:
We only lost one match, but because of the way the tournament was structured we only finished 4th. Our 2 womens teams did very well. The B team finishing second in the lower division, being beat in the final by our A Team, who finished 1st. Our womens A team, also played in the top division and lost in the final to a very good Belgium club.
Anyway, apart from that, the people were great and I am now lusting after one of the girls from the A team.
Bah, peaches and cream..........
I hope I'm not gonna get stuck with this diary stuff, which happened first with FFVIII forum and then with General and EOEO. Oh well, 30. elokuuta, 2001. Life is pretty bad. I just found out that this certain friend of mine is taking drugs and is really depressed or whatever. I dunno, if I'm supposed to help her. We're not even that close. But if she kills herself... then well oh no. I dunno, I guess I'm not good with people. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm a complete reatard when it comes to relationships and all that stuff. I'm sooo shy. Well not really shy but... I dunno. I just don't know.:(
three things to say
1) bgrrrrrrr!
2) hurray!
3) viva el futbal!
August 31, 2001 - 3:51 PM CST
Today was Hell.
That summarizes it pretty well. And I'm really in no mood to elaborate. Let's just say something I've feared for months happened, and it hurt just as much as I figured it would. I'm torn between doing what is probably best for my mental well-being, and doing what I really, really want to do.
Short and sweet for this entry, I suppose. I need to violently let this out, but I can't, because I have to go to some stupid banquet tonight. At least the dance is optional. God knows I'm certainly in no mood for one of those.
~Becky
August 31, 2001 6:02 PM
Wow, haven't posted in this thread for a couple days. I actually am enjoying school now. The first day sucked major arse, but it's better now. I have some homework, but I'll get it done.
Eyes on Each Other is getting to pessimestic for me. It really sucks when I get home from a great day, go online, and read all kinds of threads with people saying how bad life is. I probably won't be posting in there much anymore.
I actually am working on my website...somewhat. It's pretty cool. School always motivates me to do website stuff. Cool, eh?
Gotta go camping this weekend. I got the first book in the Lord Of The Rings today from the school library. I'll end up reading most of that this weekend.
Life is going great for me.
08.31.01
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First week of school is complete. I now know what teachers to hate and which to like. Those who give quizes on the first day over summer reading, and yell at us for not 'studying'. It's good, 'cause I have a lot more freedom now, and I'm with the people who are higher than me who I haven't seen for over a year. It's hard work though. I can kinda skip my hours of Homework this weekend, 'cause the band playhs at a football game this saturday, an hour drive, so I can do it then.
Mood:Cheerful.
Music: Christina Agulara * Lady Marmalade.
Entry:
After turning off the compy last night...I did not go to sleep. I wasn't sleepy at all! I decided to go through more of my old stuff. I found a couple of sketches that I made last year around this month. And I also found a letter that I wrote to baby Sethy the day he was born. Gawd wasn't I sappy?! I'm not going to write it down here yet ... or ever maybe. =P
I found a few sketches that I want to re-do. I mean, if her hair was flying why wasn't everything else? xD
Okay, I came from school about 48 minutes ago. They let us come home early. It was great and I was all smiles. I think I made a new friend. I'm glad. She seems very nice. And she used to be in my Primary school but I didn't know her well, then. She looked familiar...kinda, I think.
I was all smiles at school! I was like, why are people smiling at me? Then I realize that I am smiling. ^_^;;. Whee. I'm so happy.
The thing that sucks most is that my best friend isn't in this section of school. Her grades couldn't help her get into science so she got stuck with arts and history. =( I hope she's alright. Her cousin (in my class) said she started crying!! :((( *cries*. I miss her. But we'll probably see each other alot at breaks etc.
It was so hot and humid! >_<;;