Marick D. Pauper reporting Live!

hohohohohoho, it's that time again folks! It's the annual EoFF elections, and this year, we have a fresh new batch of lame and not-so-lame parties.

If you'll remember last year, I was refusing to join any party and instead, I reorted the news unbiasedly. Well, this year, I've alligned myself with the Fat Chocobo party, and while I hope that we win, I won't let it affect my reporting.

Lets get a handle of some of the main parties in this years election:

First off, we have the Hot Air Balloons Are Pretty Neat Party. The party is based off a better tomorrow, a perfect tomorrow, with parties in the sky! Sounds exciting right. They have the fantasticly bearded RSL, whose beard can, as rumor has it, be used as his own personal Hot Air Balloon.
however, how many of us have seen a hot air balloon? How many have watched it for more than 2 minutes beside getting bored? Hmm, seems like everyone. Due to this, I'm sure these hot heads and bags of winds will just be as boring as the next.

Next up, we have the Pirate Red Mage party, supported by King James I of West Hampstead. With testimonies from Edward, the bard, and other infamous characters, how can one not think that this party will win? Well, lets lay down the facts.
First off, the largest problems lie in their personal testimonies.
Edward the Bard - Big Sissy, do you want a big sissy to help represent you?! I didn't think so.
Robo-Cop - I'm sorry, last time I checked, Robots couldn't vote.
Red Mage - freakin awesome
Pirate - I think they could have picked a better pirate for the job.
Chuck Norris - A popular misconception: Chuck Norris is NOT a pirate. He knows kung fu/karate/martial arts. He is more along the lines of a ninja. Thus, a false spokesman for this campaign. I wonder how much they paid him?
Tony robbins - This party is trying to brainwash you.
I'll leave it to the reader to decide what to think of the PRM.

Let's move on, shall we. Local member, Psychotic has formed the Totally Unfunny, Totally Unoriginal (TUTU) party. First of all, the acronym sounds like a frilly pink ballerina outfit. 'nuff said.
Let's just delve into this party. Basically, they believe two things.
1) If you have a funny/witty/clever quip then Run the damned thing into the ground again and again, because that way it'll never get old!
2) Hate George Bush
This party is split fifty/fifty between good and bad. However, they'll need a solid 100% to win this one.

Now, we move on to the Fluffy Pink Party, run this year, by the infamous Boris no no! Supporting the slogan "pink is the new black", boris has crafted a party not worthy of being mentioned compared to others, but gets it anyways. They support the use of the fluffy puff skin for EoFF, which is simply attrocious, and spreading chlamydia through all the members. Do you want chlamydia? Then don't join the fluffy pinks.

Tantalus Party - disbanded after leader joined hot air balloon party bringing 0 members with him.

Next we have the elitist party which is so elite that it only admits one member, Del Murder, and therefor, is not elligible to win anything. LAME.

Next to Last, we have, possibly, the greatest party ever to be formed, the Ace Party, run by Agent Proto himself! However, due to Neel's stark appearance, saying "Is this ACE enough for you Proto", Agent Proto disbanded his party and joined the Fat Chocobos, who now have the leader of the greatest EoFF Party in the history of the EoFF elections under their wing.

Now, for the most amazing party ever - The FAT CHOCOBO party.
Sporting the most Brown of all Brown Leaders - Neel - this party is doomed to succeed! With such high ranking members and Cid Knights, not to mention the former leader of the Ace Party, as well as a majority of the members from last years "the Newbie Party", how can this party not win with all it's educated politicians. This party also has hitmen! It is so fantastic that this new reporter can't help but to try to find something negative about the party, but everything turns out to be great. With the slogan "Join the Family", the Fat Chocobos are welcoming and open to all members.

Well, there you have it. A complete run-down of all the parties so far in the EoFF Elections.

You heard the facts, you make the choice!

I'm Marick D. Pauper. You stay classy Eyes on Eff Eff.

(The D. stands for David!)

There are probably laws against this sort of biased journalism. If not, the Hot Air Balloon Party will probably make some when they're probably elected for being great.

I thought it was #Fat_Chocobo. But Fat Chocobo works better, I guess.

Keep up, man. There is no elitist party this year.

Someone needs to do more fact checking.

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I would sincerely hope 8 hours after the event started wouldn't be 'too late'.

Unless of course it was the Elitist Party. It's always too late for anyone to join that.

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I believe that the Elitist Part is always existing during every election.

Nah, the Elitist party is part of the past.

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Originally Posted by Big Fat Liar

Next up, we have the Pirate Red Mage party, supported by King James I of West Hampstead. With testimonies from Edward, the bard, and other infamous characters, how can one not think that this party will win? Well, lets lay down the facts.
First off, the largest problems lie in their personal testimonies.
Edward the Bard - Big Sissy, do you want a big sissy to help represent you?! I didn't think so.
Robo-Cop - I'm sorry, last time I checked, Robots couldn't vote.
Red Mage - freakin awesome
Pirate - I think they could have picked a better pirate for the job.
Chuck Norris - A popular misconception: Chuck Norris is NOT a pirate. He knows kung fu/karate/martial arts. He is more along the lines of a ninja. Thus, a false spokesman for this campaign. I wonder how much they paid him?
Tony robbins - This party is trying to brainwash you.
I'll leave it to the reader to decide what to think of the PRM.

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To bring some true facts:

Edward - I personally disproved his sissyness by completing the whole of FF4 with him solo, ergo your arguement is invalid
Robocop - Blows peoples knee caps off and is NOT a robot, but a cyborg. Again, invalid arguement
Pirate - Remember we have the support of every Pirate ever, including Captain Jack Sparrow, Blue Beard, and Charlton Heston
Chuck Norris - We paid him nothing. Chuck Norris gets paid by the russian government after Chuck saved them using only his beard
Tony Robbins - Seriously he just came into my house demanding to be a part of it. That guy is HUGE. There was no way I was going to say no.

Robocop is still not human, thus, he can't vote.

Chuck Norris is still a ninja, and ninja's hate pirates. You either paid him, or you don't actually have him, but a fake!

Tony Robbins brainwashed you to have him in your party so he can brainwash the world.

These are the FACTS.

Dude, I did see the solo Edward thing. That was pretty intense.
I don't think there is an official Elitist party yet. At least, if all goes well.

The Elitist party is too good for the elections, apparently.

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Originally Posted by Even bigger liar

These are LIES.

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from the horses mouth, so to speak:

"[T]he Elitist Party...[has] been done before. I need a fresh idea."

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Now, we move on to the Fluffy Pink Party, run this year, by the infamous Boris no no! Supporting the slogan "pink is the new black", boris has crafted a party not worthy of being mentioned compared to others, but gets it anyways. They support the use of the fluffy puff skin for EoFF, which is simply attrocious, and spreading chlamydia through all the members. Do you want chlamydia? Then don't join the fluffy pinks

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You make baby Jesus cry
CRY PINK TEARS!!!

The Option F Party

Damn, I wish I had thought of it.

THIS JUST IN!

Psychotic sleeps with BoB in Secret Alliance.

oh wait, that's last year's news.

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Originally Posted by Neel With A Hat

The Option F Party

Damn, I wish I had thought of it.

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that party would win by default. It would be like the Ohio voting machines in the 2004 presidential election.

It wasn't the voting machines, eest, it was the lack of them and the fact that we had a huge turnout for voters. I waited in line 2 hours.

***THIS JUST IN***

Fluffy Pink likes to rape its members


Kyono, news informant for the Fat Chocobo parties, heard earlier today that the Fluffy Pink Party likes to dye Pandas pink and specially train them to RAPE its members. Boris No No, leader of the party has denied all allegations against the rapes and the alleged dying of pandas pink, which many believe to be cruel and unusual. Boris claims that the FPP is all about happiness and niceness, as she had pink dye dripping from her fingers with black and white fur. Who knows what is true, but personally, I'd believe this story. It's just the sickening kind of thing those hippies in the FPP party would do.




*NEWS BULLETIN!

TUTU Party STARVES O RLY Owls

In a startling event, the O RLY owl was seen carrying away a Fat Chocobo plushie from the Fat Chocobo HQ. Upon probing deeper, it has come to the attention of the free press that O RLY owl stole the plushie in order to feed its family. When questioned, the TUTU party responded with ,"So you wouldn't even give the owl a little bit of charity?" however, there is, as this reporter knows, a difference between charity and theft - which the O RLY owl committed. The Fat Chocobo Plushies are meant for members of the FC Party only. Further, it has been made claim that the TUTU party has been starving the O RLY owls and forcing them to advertise during the elections. With meager rations and heavy work, whilst the high-heads of the TUTU party rake in the profits, it is no wonder the O RLY owls are beginning to steal for food. Startling news indeed.

I'm Marick D. Pauper reporting live from the EoFF Forums. you stay classy Eyes on Eff Eff.


NEWS BULLETIN****

Psychotic, leader of the TUTU party, has publicly announced, "This party [TUTU] is crap." To further the evidence, RSL and Psychotic were both seen talking to Neel: "Oh look, RSL and Psychotic are joining us? What splendid news!" Which was made a public statement, by Neel in press conference. However, it seems Psychotic and RSL have both backed out of their words. Psychotic, while not making a public statement, has made it clear that the faith of his party has been shaken and is looking for a way out, however, he can't look like a crook. I ask you, people of EoFF, do you want this man running your government? Do you want RSL, who was in a similar situation, to run your government? No? Then the options are narrowed down that much more. You have a decision to make, citizen.

-News tips from Flying Mullet

I'm Marick D. Pauper reporting live from General Chat. You stay classy Eyes on Eff Eff.


*ANOTHER BULLETIN UPDATE*

In a suprising twist, the Unne Avatar Party has joined the ranks late in the game, picking up some straggling members and stealing a few of the parties loyals back from other parties. However, things look gloomy for the party as the major parties have already been established, but a round of applauds for them and all parties. Recent polls show that members believe the Fat Chocobo party have a 82% chance of winning 100% of all the votes.

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Originally Posted by Neel

Recent polls show that members believe the Fat Chocobo party have a 82% 99.9% chance of winning 100% of all the votes.

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True, true.

Super Delete is here. Could something be on the verge of happening?

The bias in all of this makes this year's reports far less amusing than last year's reports.

Is there any fun news?

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Originally Posted by Loony BoB

The bias in all of this makes this year's reports far less amusing than last year's reports.

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Yeah.

it's like real news

YEAH! I NO RITE?!

You know this news is too much like a soap, too dramatic, you need to get more spies and colleagues in other parties.

URGENT NEWS UPDATE

The Fat Chocobos feed baby brains to their Chocobos! In a startling revelation, made public by the infamous Psychotic, in counter to the argument that TUTU starves the O RLY Owls. Was it a vain attempt to relieve pressure from the TUTU party, redirecting it towards FC, or is this story buried in startling truth, Marick D. Pauper has the answers.

Gysahl Greens, a favorite treat eaten by fat chocobos, has come from an off-shore manufacturing platform on an unclaimed island deep in the pacific isles. This plant, known as BBGG (Baby Brand Gysahl Greens), provides the Fat Chocobo party with all of its Gysahl Green needs in exchange for monetary and government support after the 2006 elections. Strangely enough, the company owns another island only 600 miles away, where they have a colony of native island men, with high fertility rates, breeding as much as possible. Out of the babies that are formed, the company takes 70% of them: "It is for labor purposes, we simply don't have enough, so we teach the babies at an early age how to work the machines. we also teach them to talk and walk and squalk all at once as well." Upon investigation, the GHO (Global Humanitarian Organization) has looked into the factory, which, for many months, refused to open doors, and found a starkling revelation:

"It seems that there are babies held in the factory, which is unethical, however, they are treated well. The babies are given many breaks, lots of food, and plenty of toys to occupy their time. Once they enter toddler stage, they are sent to work in the clean and safe part of the factories, as well as taught how to talk, walk, and squalk. However, the number of babies that were being trained to work was significantly (67%) lower than what we had expected. The babies unaccounted for were simply stated as being, 'Our records don't show them being here, therefor, they must not have even been present in the factory.' We, at the GHO, after looking at the fertility rates of the native tribe in comparison wth the babies in their village have come to believe that somewhere, babies are being lost in this exchange. One worker at the plant said, 'I saw a baby attack a sailor when the last shipment. The sailor was going to throw it overboard, but the captain came and took the baby into the brig.'
"When we looked at the Gysahl Greens, we found that there was a definite strand of DNA that matched those of the natives laced into the tasty chocobo treat. Whether this is due to the adding of baby brains in the formula, or whether it is due to just a marvel in genetic spraying or an unethical use for baby brains is up for question."

With that, it is unclear whether or not we can be certain the Fat Chocobos do feed baby brains to their fat chocobos. Perhaps they are unaware of what goes on in the plant, however, this is also uncertain.

These are the facts.

I'm Marick D. Pauper reporting live from General Chat here in EoFF.
You stay classy Eyes on Eff Eff.

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Originally Posted by Loony BoB

The bias in all of this makes this year's reports far less amusing than last year's reports.

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LIKE REAL LIFE LOL OWNED

Wait, I feed baby brains to chocobos? :o

How does he know my secret?!

So where's the Unne Avatar Party in all of this?

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Originally Posted by Dignified Pauper

*ANOTHER BULLETIN UPDATE*

In a suprising twist, the Unne Avatar Party has joined the ranks late in the game, picking up some straggling members and stealing a few of the parties loyals back from other parties. However, things look gloomy for the party as the major parties have already been established, but a round of applauds for them and all parties. Recent polls show that members believe the Fat Chocobo party have a 82% chance of winning 100% of all the votes.

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In the midst of Pauper's second to last post. It's nothing consequential.

I don't read posts over three lines long.

THIS JUST IN!

Psychotic, leading member of the TUTU party, has been rumored to sitting on the board of directors of Baby Brand Gysahl Greens for a few years now. "He's been taking kickbacks to keep the source of Baby Brand Gysahl Greens a secret for some time. When threatened with cutting off his kickbacks, Psychotic said that he would leak the source of Baby Brand Gysahl Greens. Kicksbacks were stopped and Psychotic went public, but not for noble reasons!" sources say, who wish to remain anonymous. While no clear evidence of this has been proven, it is still another crazy twist to this years elections.

I'm Marick D. Pauper reporting live. You stay classy Eyes on Eff Eff.

Can't you write a story about me making out with a hot babe like Leeza once in a while?

Headline

Psychotic makes out with Leeza in secret alliance!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about! :cool:

Hard hitting news right there! I'm on the edge of my seat to find out what happens next.


(Grats Psy for the "alliance" with Leeza)

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Originally Posted by Dignified Pauper

Headline

Psychotic makes out with Leeza in secret alliance!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Oh no...
The world is doomed.:(

Swing Voters May Swing Election!


Swing voters may swing this years close elections. While voting has yet to commence, the parties are becoming more and more close in the popularity polls. Swing voters, such as Quina, have been seen testing party platforms and trying to decide on a party to join. Voters such as this may end up never picking a party and simply voting, thus, their votes could swing the elections into the utmost pinnacle of events. This could be a record breaking year. Stay tuned for further developements.


I'm Marick D. Pauper reporting live from EoFF. You stay classy Eyes on Eff Eff.

Do to lack of bad news about the Hot Air Baloons are actually pretty neat party, we are obviously the ones to win. Besides, Pauper is leaving out the most crucial news that he doesn't want you to know, the secret alliance of Psycotic and Leeza are actually in favor of my Balloon Party. Pauper is also a spy of the Unne Avatar PArty. True story.

A Rebuttal

The Hot Air Balloons are Actually Pretty Neat Party - inherently good, or secretly tyranny, Marick D. Pauper has the story.

If you'll remember, during last years election, Psychotic slept with Loony BoB in a secret alliance. From that, Psychotic tried, with the newly formed coalition, to form a despotism here in EoFF. Now, with strict CK, Leeza under his manipulative tendencies, Psychotic is attempting to form a theocratic dictatorship, under the belief of Cidism, and force all the people of Eyes on FF to become Totally Unfunny and Totally Unoriginal all at the same. Not to mention, that instead of finding a peaceful way to deal with HECTICS and heretics alike, he hopes to simply exterminate them all!
Further, speculation about Leeza's involvement has also been rumored that she has known about, and helped plan this from the end of last year's election. Information states that it was Leeza who approached Psychotic and informed of her idea. From last year, the two have plotted and schemed and waited for the appropriate time to form a coalition, in vast secrecy, and now it has come about that their plan has come to light. Will this simply be enough to stop them?
If the voters vote either of these two parties into the majority of offices, Psychotic and Leeza will stand for a new union of a theocratic dictorial monarchy proclaiming themselves as "Supreme Patriarch and Matriarch of the New Societal Order". Sources reveal that they plan to enforce even the infamous Super Delete!

Further, Marick D. Pauper, member of Fat Chocobo Party and the prime news anchor during the elections has been rumored to be part of the Dr. Unne Avatar party, and is working as a spy. During the beginning of the elections, M.D. Pauper, as he likes to refer to himself when being technical, was overwhelmingly efficient in his advertising of Fat Chocobo Party, but since the coming of the Dr. Unne Avatar Party has shown signs of slowing. Perhaps all the campaigning has merely tired him out, however, that doesn't seem to give any reasoning as to why he would begin to fear the Dr. Unne Avatar Party so soon after it's very late creation. Some might say that there is a definite problem with this sort of campaigning. Only the voters can decide.

On another note, Fluffy Pink, run by sisters Boris and Kagga, promote promiscuity and chlamydia.

I'm Marick D. Pauper reporting life from EoFF Forums. You stay Classy Ee Oh Eff Eff Eff.

But Leeza hasn't secured a high enough position to overpower our entire party, especially since RSL's beard isn't for such a thing. ANd no one can overpower the beard. Also I appologize for calling MArik a Unne Avatar Spy. My "Sources" have informed me of a misprint. He is actually a TuTu spy, sent to convert my party to the Fat Chocobo Party in an attenmp to elimanate the only real threat, us. Sorry about the mistranslation.

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Originally Posted by Dignified Pauper

On another note, Fluffy Pink, run by sisters Boris and Kagga, promote promiscuity and chlamydia.

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sweet

What about the PRM party?

From my experience, I don't think any of you have chlamydia. :p

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Originally Posted by Neel With A Hat

From my experience, I don't think any of you have chlamydia. :p

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What sort of experience is this Neel?