Favourite Family Guy Quotes

Since we have a favourite Simpsons Quotes thread, I thought it would be cool to hear some favourite Family Guy quotes from you guys too. Personally I find Family Guy marginally better than the Simpsons in terms of humor- it always gets more laughter out of me.

Some of the jokes can go a bit far, but I find if they joke about religion and racism they do so in a positive way, not in a way to continue discrimination.

My favourite quotes are:

1.Ollie Williams (newscaster who usually does weather): IS' GONNA RAIN!

2. Ollie Williams: WHO WANTS THIS DOG ?!?

Extended version:

Diane Simmons:...And that's it for sports. Now, let's go to Ollie Williams with the Adopt-a-Pet of the week.
Ollie the Weatherman: [holding a small puppy] Who wants this dog?
Diane Simmons: [cut back] Thanks, Ollie. And now, let's go to Peter Griffin with "Ya Know What Really Grinds My - "
[Tom Tucker appears]
Diane Simmons: Tom, what are you doing? You don't work here anymore.
Tom Tucker: Well Diane, I have an exclusive story. And I... can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home.
Ollie the Weatherman: [off-screen] Did you check your TCP/IP settings?
Tom Tucker: Yes I did, Ollie.
Ollie the Weatherman: [off-screen] Enable cookies?
Tom Tucker: Yes, Ollie.
Ollie the Weatherman: [off-screen] You want this dog?
Tom Tucker: No thank you, Ollie.

3.Old Stewie: Actually nowadays vacations are in the future and past. Once we went to see Jesus. He isn't quite as talented as most people think.

[Camera turns to Jesus in front of a crowd in Jerualem, juggling three balls]

Jesus: Sings broadway music off-key Ba-nan-nan-na-ban-nan-na-nan-nan.

4.[Stewie looks at an clown doll]
Stewie: How deliciously evil looking... it's like something out of Stephen King!

[Camera turns to Double Day office]

Stephen King: For my 307th book... a couple is attacked by a... [picks up lamp] lamp monster! 0oooooooo!

Publisher: You're not even trying anymore are you?

[ King thrusts out lamp several times and makes strange grunts]

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So what are your favourite Family Guy quotes? Try to keep them within the limits of politeness.

Servents: now that you're stinking rich, we'll gladly be your b****. My God This house is freaking SWEET! Welcome!

Tom Tucker: I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. Diane?

Brian: Peter this is the last plague, the death of the first born son!
Peter: Oh my God, Stewie
Brian: the FIRST born son
Peter: Oh my God, Meg
Brian:.....your wife
Peter: Oh my God, Chris

Diane Simmons: Are you excited Tom?
Tom Tucker: Are you kidding Diane? I have wood! And clipped on this piece of wood is the names of all the entries for this year's parade

Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum dude: because you touch yourself at night!


~~~~~

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Peter **don't so doin' your wife, don't say doin your wife.** *looks at picture* doing your... Son.

Peter: I red a book about just this.
Brian: Are yuo sure you read a book, are you SURE IT WASNT NUTHING.
Peter: Oh, oh yeah.

(In Peter's head, a group of guys are trying to think of what esoteric means)
Guy One: Fella's, it means something delicious.
Peter: Lois, this is no time for food (or something like that)
Brian: Swing and a miss

Peter:
*sucks in air through teeth*
AHH!
*sucks in air through teeth*
AHH!



Rinse and repeat.

"Damn the broccili, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!"

Stewie Griffin

Lois: Petoria?
Peter: Well I was going to call it Peterland but that's what they call the gay bar downtown

Stewie: And yay God said to Abraham, you must kill your first born son and Abraham replied, I'm sorry, you'll have to speak into the microphone, and God said, oh sorry is this better? check check, Nancy check the board I'm still getting some feedback here....

Stewie: CLICK CLICK BLOODY CLICK PANCAKES!

- ''Shut up fatty'' XD

- Peter: "Don't worry, I've got an idea-an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about."

- Brian to Meg: "How about a lot less talk and a lot more SHUT THE HELL UP??!!!!"

- Brian: "Get, get the fruit. It's more points. Get the fruit."
Stewie: "I'm not gonna get the fruit."
Brian: "Get the fruit."
Stewie: "I'm not gonna...I can't get the fruit."
Brian: "Get the fruit."
Stewie: "I'm not gonna...I'm not gonna get the fruit there's a ghost right there!"

^_^

peter:i hate you as much as the vowels hate the letter Y
stewie:what the doose?

"I don't wanna be a mean guy, I wanna be a dancer!"

And I'm pretty sure it's "What the deuce"

Peter riding on an elephant: "Hey Lois! Look! It's the two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who can't handle change!"

Peter: Hi, Kids, I'm Santa Claus! I just dropped in early to check how things are going.

But Karen and Jack told me that Santa was Indian!
No way! Santa is black!
He can't be black... he's not a criminal!
You are all wrong, Santa is Asian!
HOW CAN HE BE ASIAN!? SANTA DOESN'T DRIVE TWENTY MILES UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT WITH HIS BLINKER ON! GO BACK TO YOUR RICE PATTY, MULAN!
Stewie: Go, fat man, go!

David Bowie: Just you shut your mouth...
Trisha Takanawa: Ohh, me like-a you a so good! Me take you home! Me make you fishball soup! Fishballs!
*Diane and Tom look on in utter confusion*

Peter- "Are you gonna eat that stapler?"
TV Executive- "You...can't eat a stapler."
Peter- "Wanna split it?"

Peter- "Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually."

Lois- "Peter, would you please fix the bathroom faucet?"
Peter- "I fixed it already."
Lois- "You didn't. It's still dripping."
Peter- "No way! I will give you all my Star Wars cards if it is. Wait, wait. Except Boba Fett. No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man."

The last one is my all time favorite:laughing:

"It doesn't matter rather your black or white. The only color that really matters is green."

"Hey! Hey wheres that Peter griffin? He said he'd give me 100$ if I took off all my close off."

"Hello 911? Its Quagmire. Yeah, its caught in a window this time."

"Hey. aren't you Richard Simmons best friend? Richard Simmons

Peter- Even Walt Disney took art classes
Flashback
Minnie Mouse- Do, Do I have to.
Walt Disney- Ya wanta be a star dont you
Minnie Mouse- *drops dress and mewls*
Walt Disney- Yeah Yeah Thats right Take it all off. Ohhh

Peter- Louis if im five years old than that makes you a pedifile, and i wont tolerate that kind of behavior.

pretty sure its something like that... excuse me if its miss quoted its been awhile

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Leucant

Peter- Louis if im five years old than that makes you a pedifile, and i'l be damned if I'm going to be lectured by a pervert.

---

I think thats what he says.

IT'S RAININ' SIDEWAYS

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ballistix Man

Peter- Even Walt Disney took art classes
Flashback
Minnie Mouse- Do, Do I have to.
Walt Disney- Ya wanta be a star dont you
Minnie Mouse- *drops dress and mewls*
Walt Disney- Yeah Yeah Thats right Take it all off. Ohhh

---

XD

lois-WHO LIKES EATING RED CARPET!?
peter (crying): I do I DO!
(Quagmire drops outside)

Brooke: Quagmire, will you accept this rose?
Quagmire: Really? After I drugged you and had sex with your unconscious body?
Brooke: What?
Quagmire: Yes.

Peter: So did your therapist figure out what the problem was?
Brian: Yeah. He thinks I'm in love.
Peter: Oh my God...you can talk!

Brian: So, uh, where's your good buddy James Woods?
Peter: Eh, turns out he wasn't so good at catching stuff in his mouth. So where's your girlfriend?
Brian: Same problem.
Brian and Peter: Wooooaahh!!

Peter: I'M RETARDED!
Brian: I don't want to say "I told you so", but... YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! IN YOUR ****ING FACE! IN YOUR F***ING FACE YOU F***WAD!!! I am so sorry...

Peter: Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play "I Never." You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on.
(They all drink.)
Joe: I'll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland's wife.
(Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)
Peter: alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom.
(Only Quagmire drinks.)
****About 33 drinks later****
Peter: God lets see what else is there um...I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence.
Quagmire: Oh God.
(Quagmire takes a drink.)
Joe: I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home a choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on!
(Quagmire drinks again.)
Peter: I never did the same thing except with someone from Joann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh God this is ridiculous. You guys suck! (Drinks more and passes out.)