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9/1/01
Almost 4 PM
I hate living. Every day sucks more than the last... I get to wake up to the lovely sound of my mom yelling...then I get to go to school and talk to all those friends I don't have. I get to sit by myself at lunch and do nothing. Fun. Then I come home and get yelled at by mom. Then I come online and usually go onto the ORPG I play. That's lots of fun...everyone hates me and yells at me and sometimes they even murder me...just for no reason. Fun. It's even better when yesterday, I made a mistake and ended up dying and I lost 200 hours worth of work...and then I go and get made fun of and then killed again by people who hate me. Yeah...lots of fun. Then I usually get off the ORPG and go into chat....great fun that is. I get to talk to lots of people who claim they're my friends yet really don't care if anything happened to me. Then I get to eat dinner and make myself the fat pig that I am. Fun. Then I come back online and play more of the ORPG and chat...it's still not very fun. Eventually, I just get sick of all the liars and virtual and mom-induced beatings and just screw it and go to bed. Then I get to start over. What fun. I get to wake up to people hating me, go to school where everyone doesn't even know I exsist, come online where people ignore me, and then start all over again. Why do I even bother? Think of it...if I died, who would care? No one. My mom has told me many times that she hates me and wants me dead...I don't have any friends irl, and I know that some people here at EoFF might be upset at first but they'd get over it eventually. I don't know...why do I even bother? I just hate living...I hate it....I hate myself, I hate waking up, I hate it. I don't care anymore...I just want to die. Why can't I just kill myself? I'd be doing everyone a favor. Mom would be a lot less stressed, everyone online wouldn't have to put up with me...it'd do lots of good for everyone. Sure, I'd be dead but I don't mind taking one for the team. I don't know...why am I even writing this? No one cares. No one ever will either. I'm just going to be the lonely depressed :bou::bou::bou::bou::bou: that I am until I die. And no one's ever going to care. Sure, I know some people might feel bad when they read this but they'll get over it. Everyone will just dissmiss this in the end. No one will care. *sigh* I don't know...I don't know what to do anymore...I just...don't know.....why did all this have to happen? Why is it that no one's ever cared about me...why is it that I'm always alone? Why? Dammit...someone must know....why did this have to happen? Why am I always depressed? Why can't I ever be happy like everyone else?
Someone must know....*Sigh* I don't know....just forget it....no one cares anyway. Just forget all of that. It's just my depressed ramblings. Don't worry about it. *sigh* I'm going to nap...at least no one can hurt me when I'm asleep...well today's been a fun day. So far I've woken up, cried, slept, woken up, came online, cried, and written this. Sounds like fun doesn't it? *sigh* Oh well....it's the same as every other day....
9.02.01 1:01 A.M.
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Got back from a football game with the band (I know it's a saturday, but we played a private school). I thought our football team was horrible, it's nice to know there's one that is worse in this state anyhow. Being in the band has given me sortof a sense of beloging, it got me going to parties, and has helped me as I started this freshman year. I used ot always be depressed and sad all the time, now I'm much more happy. Plus, you get protection from the seniors in the band, nobody harrases you, with them there. Otyher than that, I'm tired, pumped up, and ready to start a brand new day, after I go to sleep in a few hours.
9-01-01
(This is for yesterday.)
I got up around 8:00, which is incredibly early for me for a weekend. I went online for a little while after completing my morning rituals (shower, getting dressed, etc.). I left for work around 9:45 and got there at about 9:55. I had to work for 8 hours yesterday, which really isn't even legal for someone my age, but I didn't care because I need the hours. And I was working with Jon, who's probably the coolest guy I work with. He's only 16 and he's a freshman in college. Funny guy too. The time passed fairly quickly and it wasn't too terrible.
I got home, went online for about an hour, and then my friend Chris came over and said that our other friend Tyler was coming to pick us up and we were going to his house. This was all kind of spur-of-the-moment, but that was fine with me. At Tyler's house we played PS2 for a bit, then went out walking around. We walked up to a fire station to see if the firemen would play basketball with us, but they weren't in the mood, so we just talked to them for 15 minutes or so and went back to Tyler's house. We hung out there until my parents came to pick us up. When I got home it was about 10:45 PM and I had a terrible headache, so I decided to go to bed.
You know, for some reason, my friends always turned to me for advice on guys... I never understood why, though. I've never been in a romantic relationship before. I don't know what it's like to be in love. *shrug* I always helped them out; I think I did a pretty good job of it, too, even though I could never relate.
Well, now I kind of know what some of them are going through. Love sucks. For the past couple months, I've been chasing after a guy I can't have. He loves someone else... and even though I'm happy for the both of them... it hurts. So much. *sigh* I guess it's a part of life. It's not like it matters much, anyway. I'm just a kid. I'll end up forgetting all about him eventually, right?
But on a happier note, I talked to a really sweet person yesterday. He's from some message board I go to... he saw that I was in a bad mood (from one of my away messages) and asked if he could do anything to help. He listened... that's good enough for me. ^_^
School starts in four days. My birthday is in five days. *fake excitement* I hate having a September birthday.
Mood:Refreshed.
Music: M2M - Mirror Mirror.
Entry:
I need to change my LJ theme. I'm getting bored of this one. *Sigh* this one's boring and everyone uses pink these days! I'm tired of having a pink diary.
Eeeeeeee!! I got the Lady Marmalade music video. FINALLY! After weeks of getting remote queued 50 or so. x) The one I got was from Moulin Rouge. I want to get the All Saints one too (if it existed!), but I can't find it. =(
Anyway, school was okay today. They let us come home at 12 as well. Tomorrow we're going home at 1. It's just for this week, I think. Because it's too hot.
Yesterday afternoon I was thinking of getting my hair cut short and re-doing the purple strikes. But...last time I cut my hair I felt soo guilty! I hated the feeling. I want to grow my hair. It would be cool that way. I know I'll feel guilty if I cut it again. I think long hair is nice and girls who have it are so lucky! I'll grow mine (with the tips re-done purple) but when I get sick/tired of long hair, I'll cut it. There. That seems like a good ... erm ... plan, eh? xD
Oh! Our social advisor was asking everyone in my class today about why they chose the science section. The truth is, I didn't know why I chose science. Because I'll have more choices in collage/university? Because History is so hard for me? Because I wanted to be praised by my parents? Why? To tell the truth, I thought of challenging myself lots of times and taking History and Arts. But when the teacher asked me I told her that I liked Science subjects more than History and Arts. She asked me if I had a goal. I didn't want to say no because I always have goals. I told her I wanted to be an Architecht. It's true, I wanted to take that ... for a long time ... not just because my father's one. He has no idea want to be just like him. I mean, he knew till I told him I wanted to be a writer. But I don't really want to take literiture in university. I want to keep writing as a hobby. I'm not sure...but yeah, I do want to be an Architect. I've been desiging house maps since I was very young and my two favorite subjects are Physics and Mathematics ... so I think it'll be fine. Wow ... I feel refreshed. I have a goal in life. ^_^;;. A real one, not like one of those childish fantasies. Now this means I should spend more time on my studies. And I will. =)
09.02.01
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Tra la la. xD I'm having one of those sickeningly optimistic days where you think everything is cool. I've been uncharacteristically worried about the future for a couple days now, but I figure there's little more I can do about it then I'm already doing, pretty much. Soo... tra la la. xD
September 2, 2001 3:16 PM
I tried to draw something, and I failed. I hate when that happens. Ah well. Better luck next time.
I'm happy that I'm going to learn Java this term at college. My other classes don't look quite as fun, though. Computer architecture isn't much fun. I don't plan on building computers from scratch, after all. Just program them. But whatyagonnado.
My dad brought me some cucumbers from our garden at home, and I ate one. It was tasty. Cucumbers are the food of the gods.
I will do two entry in one post for your convice.
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September 1, 2001
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8:04 AM - Woke up from my long 11 hour sleep from last night, that was needed to help fight my cold and growing drowsess that is from waking up for school so early. Went downstairs and notice nobody was home(parents were at a race for a couple of hours), so I watch the news that was left on. Went downstairs to use the computer at 8:42 and notice Mystery Science Theater 3000 was on a hour early(thought it was on at 9), so I watch that while going online, while eating a some payday bars.
10:00 - MST3K was over and I was bored of using the computer at the time, so I went to the red chair in the room and watch some forgettable shows upstairs after notice my brother was up.
12:31 PM - My parents got home and have bought some food at Wal-Mart. I had a Italian sub and went downstairs to watch the Courge the Cowardy Dog marthon to kill time. Soon afterwards, my mom went to bed(since she works at the hospital all through the night), while my dad went to his German(he not German, by the way) Club's Octoberfest.
5:00 - With the marthon over, I woke up my mom and watch Naked Gun 2 and a half upstairs until 6:30.
6:30 - Me and my mom went to pick up my sister at the hospital, who just got off work at the time.
8:00 - We went to the Octoberfest visit my dad and get some free food there.
9:00 - Got home and went upstairs to watch a DVD of Goonies with my mom, who wanted to watch that. My sister soon came up, but she went to sleep a half hour in.
11:00 - Finish watching Goonies and went downstairs to use the computer again. My dad got home soon afterwards, and him and my mom went to bed for the night.
12:30 AM - My brother got home, and I was ready to go to bed, but I got into a converison with him that lasted to 2 AM(it was about movies, DVD, and various stuff).
2:00 - Went to bed for the night.
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September 2, 2001
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11:00 AM - Woke up late, due to getting to bed at 2 last night. Went downstairs and notice my dad was at Octoberfest already, while my mom was checking the bills. I got something to eat and started to read the newspaper and look for good deals for my new TV I'm getting later this week. After getting done at 11:30, my brother woke up and I went online to check various sites(including this one).
12:00 PM - My brother just got Rally(Checkers in the southern states), which I got offline soon getting it and went upstairs to watch some movie my mom was watching.
2:00 - The movie over, I once again got a movie of my mom choice to watch on DVD. This time it was my Ghostbuster DVD that I bought weeks back. My brother joined in for watching it the whole time.
4:00 - Ghostbuster is over, so I decied to head downstairs to watch some TV, while my brother was online still. Found nothing and waited 30 minutes for him to get off.
4:30 - Got online, while my brother left for work, which I continue to be online at until this writing of post(most likely get off at 6).
Future Plans for the night.
7:00 - Watch Futurama on Fox, follow by Aladdin on Toon Disney, then Simpson on Fox.
8:30 - Take a bath
9:00 - Watch Darkwing Duck(maybe)
10:30 - Watch Seven Samarai on Sundance channel and decide if to buy it on Criticion Edition.
1:30 AM - Go to bed for the night.
cold+tired = sick
lazy+many exams+many assignments = stressed
broke+german = bleah
sick+stressed+bleah = me!
i never could do maths.
Sept. 3, 2001
12:58 AM CDT
Well, today was about as boring as I could have hoped for. I woke up in a sleeping bag in Brandon's floor (I still don't remember how I got there), played a little GT3 on his PS2, went outside on the deck to eat breakfast, then went home about 11:30 when he left to go teach his girlfriend how to drive a stick shift.
Upon reaching my driveway, I found my parents pulling out to go shopping for a new china cabinet for the dining room. "It'll only take half an hour or so." Three hours later, after visiting four HUGE furniture stores, and finally buying a $3200 china hutch we don't really need, we arrived back home. I did get some ideas for stuff to get before I move out (I just found out I don't get to take my bed with me), so it wasn't a complete waste of time. Too bad I don't have the money for a $2500 bed or a $1500 chair.
The only other thing I have done today besides eat and watch the NASCAR race is play FFIV. I started over, and I'm already past Fabul. Not bad.
Well, no work tomorrow, so time for more FFIV. Or bed. Or some TV. Whatever.
Jon
9/02/01
11 something PM
I'm tired. I just wrote this whole damn post and then my computer deletes the whole damn thing. For no reason. It's been that kind of day. Everything's been trying to screw me over. My computer lagged, mom yelled non-stop, chat was depressing, YM crashed five times, my ORPG was laggy....just everything. My lunch made me sick too. This sucks, I'm depressed and I want to talk to someone...but there's no one to talk to now...forget it. I'm just going to go to bed. At least nothing can hurt me there...
Wow, I hardly get a chance to come online now to EoFF... :( Anyways, I thought I'd write a journal entry. :)
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I guess you could say my life has been going pretty well... my birthday just went by and I received tonnes of gifts and all... My dad gave me a CD writer and my mom gave me a Discman... and now we're even having a one week holiday to prepare for our coming exams.
But things aren't exactly going very well... in school I've had a few problems with my teacher and my friends... there've been *counts* around 4 misunderstandings already in the past 2 weeks. And the worst thing is that my friend came to me and he just scolded me and screamed at me... and ya know how terrified I am of loud noises (espicially when guys shout)... And it's like, I don't want to cry about stuff like that anymore... I don't want to look so weak and make others think that I'm such a crybaby... That's why I've made a vow never to cry for 2 years. No matter what. *smiles* And that's why that fella is kinda puzzled about why I seem to be so light hearted about what happened already. :p
Hey, this doesn't mean I'm running away from reality... I'm just strenghtening myself. I'm never gonna cry until my vow's over. And I'm gonna make sure I seem as optimistic and cheerful as always. It kinda works too. Now I can cheer people up much easier. :)
I'm kinda stresed about my exams too... my mom's always telling me to go study and study... I really hope I can get to the JC I want... *gulp* In Singapore a degree is really important... everything revolves around how much qualifications you have, and that results in people looking down on others who don't come from famous schools and all... Tis a really stressful environment to live in I tell ya.
Now that feels much better... being able to come online and writing all the stuff which I've been keeping from my family out here... :) Oh well, I'd better get going now... I'll probably write somemore if I get the chance to. :)
*Bubblejet*Stardust*Magix*
September 3, 2001 2:37 PM
Went camping this weekend. It was boring, as usual. I really wish I could stay home.
I got an issue of EGM. It turns out it's a limited edition FFX Amano cover. Mebbe I'll scan it in and send it into EoFF for the FFX section.
For the first time in a while, I've visited my ORPG. It's kinda boring.
I need to get my homework done. I can tell this year I'm gonna lag totally in homework, mainly because of a lack of any type of motivation.
I might start up a comic series. I've felt like doing it lately, after getting hooked on EGM's Hsu and Chan Game Designer comic. I need to put a link in my sig to the Hsu and Chan homepage.
Hmph. School tommorow, and a three day weekend waisted. Totally waisted.
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(Alixsar: A lot of people would care if you died. And it would stick in our heads for a long time. EoFF wouldn't be the same without you)
Well today was boring but good! Anyways, I had fun the day before actually I went out to my camp and they were having a pig roast although the pig didn't look too appatizing...Hehe I met some cute(very cute) guys out there hehe!^_^ Well I go back to school tomorrow after this loong labor day weekend. I was excited to go back to school when I realized how much of a drain it was. I can't do any sports for two months because of my stupid knee! I can't even do Phys Ed! It bums me out to know this! Oh well... I like doing school activites ,but I will have to wait until November for sports! :angry: Well I hope I get better too!
Looks like I've gotten a chance to come online again!! :tongue:
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It's 2pm in the afternoon now, and my parents have gone out for a few hours or so so I've gotten the chance to come online again. I'm ill though... so that's a reason to stay home while the others go down town. :excited: Another reason why I'm allowed to stay at home is because I'm supposed to study somemore... my mom wants me to study for 4hrs each day... I really feel rather guilty ya know, somehow I can't seem to study for that long. The longest I've made it was around 3hrs. :( This is really stressful...
And plus I haven't completed my D&T artefact in school yet... I still have to go back during the holidays to complete it though... *sigh* Oh well... :mad:
09.04.01
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School starts today. I got up at 5:50AM, to prepare last little preparation things. It didn't really help that I'd rolled around until about 1:30AM, completely unable to sleep. I started thinking about Angela, and once I start thinking about Angela, I might as well turn the light back on and stare out the window, because I won't get back to sleep. xD
Little musing times are few and far between, these days, so I welcomed the chance to really stop and think. Last night was probably the first time I seriously got to sit and muse for a good week or so. I can't put my finger on why, but it's just been hard to focus, lately. The world seems to be spinning faster, time moving swifter. But I figure that's a pretty good thing, what with school back.
Most people like going back to school to see their friends again. I probably would, if I had any friends to speak of. So I'm really kind of dreading bumping into all those idiots again. But whatyagonnado, as a wise man once (quite often, rather) said. (I spelled it properly, didn't I, Brian? xD)
September 4th, 2001 4:33 PM
Today was just another day of school. Nothing too special. I had a fun during the second half of the day, as usual.
I think I'm getting the flu that's been going around lately. I've had a horrible stomach ache all day, and last night while laying in bed, I felt sick too. Maybe if I'm lucky my mom will let me stay home tommorow, if I still feel bad.
I'm getting more and more anxious to get and learn the bass guitar. I've decided on getting a four string and picking it, as apposed to the other type and using my fingers. Yeah, I know all this about bass guitars, and I've never even played one before.
Hopefully, I'll be able to get some materials together and finally be able to launch my site. It'll be cool when that happens.
Today was my first day back at school. I'm so glad to be back. I got to see all my friends and I know I'll meet more.
I'm excited to see what the year will bring, though the school accidently switched a course without telling me.
So now I'm in drama.
*Amazingly has a huge fear of speaking publicly.*
[I saw amazingly for those of you who know me and have spoken to me on the phone etc.]
I'll just take it day by day.
09.04.01
-_- Slept horribly. I couldn't sleep for some reason. I have no idea why. O_o; Plus, when I did at about 3:00, the kitten I'm babysitting decided to put a big scratch on my hand, effectively keeping me up for another half hour. Woke up again at 4:30, and then again at 7:00 to get ready for school. First day today.
Got to school. Currently, I have a spare. I'm only in grade 11, so I had to straighten that out with Guidance. Took Law. I don't really want to, but it was either Gym, General Workplace History, or Law. I think I made the right choice.
Met up with some friends after walking laps around the halls aimlessly. Meh. Nothing big.
Home room. Ashley was late. Stuck with many grade nines for 10 minutes. Kinda creepy. O_o; All in all kinda cool though.
First Period. English. Me and Ashley walked toward the classroom to find the possibly the 3 biggest bitches in our grade walking in the classroom. We nearly cried. -_-; But a lot of our friends are in that class, so it's okay. We had to sit in the front becauce we weren't early. Ashley tried switching with this guy Jay, to the back, leaving me in the front alone. Thanks again, Ash. *glare* But, she came back, of course. :) ...Eventually. ~_~ The teacher's nice too... Although he did say he was going to put us up on desks, blindfold us, and let the rest of the class gawk at us. That's a scary thought.
Second period. Biology. My teacher's a really good one. I'm glad. Lots of friends in there too. It's gonna be a good class.
Third and forth period. Co-op. Yarg. I know a couple people, but they're not really friends.. Luckily, my cousin Gillian is in there with me. ^_^ We're really close, so it's good. She's older too, so she can help me a bit. I still don't have a placement, but I'm almost sure to get in at the veterenary clinic near my house.
Fifth period. Ugh. This is where my spare was. I choose law, and the guidance guy gave me a note to get in. When I got there, the teahcer just gave me a dirty look. O_o; I apologised, and tried to explain, but she just said "I don't care. Sit down.". I felt like such an idiot. Gah, what a bitch.
Sixth period. Graphic Arts. I have a few friends in there, including Gillian again (it's a grade 12 course). Mr. Goheend, my teacher is... so odd. He spent the first half talking about fish, and the second trying to convince us he's psychic. What a cool class that's gonna be. :D
Seventh period. Art. >_< My favourite last year, but I got a bad teacher, and an even worse class. I got stuck with all the people who failed grade 12 art, and people who just picked it to fill their time table. The teacher's a real stiff too. SO many rules. O_o; I also don't know hardly anyone there.. Only 2 girls I barely know. ~_~ Ah well, I can just focus on my art. It works.
Eighth period. Math. *shudders* I have Mr. Hamely for this. Quite possibly the MEANEST teacher ever. ;_; He yells pretty much all the time. >_< And I've got some major jerks in my class. *sighs* They'll make this class hell. -_-
All in all it wasn't too bad... This year could turn out not bad at all.
September 4, 2001 8:45 PM
My computer had a meltdown today. I almost had to reformat the HD again, but I got away with just deltree-ing the windows directory from DOS and reinstalling windows. Ah well. It's almost back to normal now.
I'll do what Elyse did...
04.09.01
Got to school with wet pants. My laundry wasn't quite done but I forgot that easily as I saw all my friends. I'm so happy to be able to see them frequently again. I thought Elyse would find me but no. The bell rang and I went up to my TAP [Teacher Advisory Program] Class. Mr. Makintyre (He's SO COOL! =D But he can't wear deoderant because he's allergic to it.)... anyways Elyse and I are in the mentor program along with our friends Craig and Jeff and two OAC students. The program just puts some seniors in the junior TAP classes for advice and to help them out. ^_^ *Wee*
Period 1 : English : I have this class with Elyse. I'd say she summed up the events pretty well although I remember something about wanting to be thrown out the window. [Which reminds me. O_o; Our school gave us Student Life Insurance packages... *kawff.*]
Period 2 : Biology : Mr Korsmit is our teacher. Again, I have Elyse in this class. I had Mr. Korsmit last year he is the BEST teacher. :love: He's so funny and cool and even knows how to deal with the twits.
Period 3 : Drama : .. AHHHHHHH KILL ME! This was a freak accident that happened with a course selection conflict. *Jabs pen through brain.* I don't like Drama.. I don't like speaking publically. *fear* I'm deffinately going to try my best to get the heck out of that course... I only know 2 people and not that well. One had this massive crush on me too, so I'm not that comfortable with him.
Period 4 : Math : Mr. Hamely. ~_~; Joy... He yells A LOT. I had to have a small smart mouth and a Roseanne wannabe in that class too. Of course the lil' puke decided to say that Mr. Hamely was being rude and that he had some sort of mental problem. My ears are still ringing and I can't get the image of Mr Hamely's veins sticking out, out of my head.
Period 5 : French : This is a grade 10 class... I didn't take it last year so I figured why not this year. I know a few in that class like Zipora... But other than that Meh. I have my old french teacher too. Madame Turner. >)
She just "LOVED" me. *Stupid 3 "s" words.*
Period 6 : Latin : Mr Makintyre teaches this course. It's an OAC course. I hope I'll do okay.. Anyways. I'm looking forward to that class... not a lot of people so it should be nice an calm.
Period 7/8 : Co-op - I have co-op with one of my good friends, Cory. He's GREAT! =D I have a placement in the Lakerdige Hospital which is REALLY amazing! ^_^ *Cheers*
Period 9 : Singing : I decided to be crazy and take another class. I get a 1/2 credit for it. It should be nice. ^_^; I hope I don't hurt anyone's ears.
September 4th, 10:06pm
Today wasn't real bad. My problems have been fading but still around. I woke up at around 7:30am, which is insanly early for me, but I didn't want to get up because I'd have house work, so being as irresponible as I am, I closed my bed room door and played Xenogears. (which I bought Saturday :)) I finally got up around noon and ate a sandwich which I made. Then I got on the computer and just browsed EoFF and Nifty. I had soccer practice aroun 3:30pm. It was alright, but we had to run 2 miles which myself and half the team did poorly, which we really can't explain. So our coach made us run suicides (run to the 6 line and back, then the 18 and back, half feild and back, then the end of the field and back) but it could have been worse. One of the team members, who is my friend, quit the team because of this, but the coach'l let him back on. After practice I walked home due to my ride being late, it was only a mile and a half, nothing too bad. I got home and heated up dinner. then I came back online, played some more Xenogears and I am back here again. School starts tommorow and I really don't want to go, but thats life. I have to escourt this girl that is new, who my father's friend has been trying to set me up with against my will might I add, so I should fix that. I know i's a bit selfish but I really dislike people interfering with my "love life" for I just turned down help from a friend also, I want to figure this out for myself and without people telling me how to do it. Now days, at least here in my school, people get a girl friend just to have one, which I disagree with. Oh well, So, all in all, it was an alright day, could have been worse, could have been better. Good luck with your day all. :)
My old school has its first day today... so all my old friends are in school right now. Hehe. >=D
Unfortunately... I go tomorrow. *sigh* I've calmed down a bit about the whole "I don't know anyone and I'm gonna be all alone" thing... but I'm still nervous. This place is twice as big as my old school... I know that I'm going to get lost. Oh well; it should only take a week or so to get used to everything.
This is probably gonna sound stupid, but I am so scared of lunch time. Everyone else has their friends and cliques that they sit with... I have no one. I haven't even made any friends are the neighborhood. I've been a hermit for the past two weeks... hiding in the house, avoiding any contact with anyone. I'm such a coward. >_< I should stop worrying... I'm sure everything's gonna be fine.
Oh! I saw one of my best online friends yesterday. I haven't seen him online since May... unfortunately, I didn't get to him in time and he signed off. :( *sigh* I hope I can catch him today. He's missed a lot. ^_^
My birthday is in two days! *dance*
Wednesday, September 5, 2001 - 4:38 PM CST
"I'm surrounded by friends, yet I feel so all alone."
That quote sums up my mood for the day. And, yeah, so I'm quoting something I wrote.
It fits.
Anyway, I don't know. I've been lost in thought and immersing myself in my music and my writing (see http://www.eyesonff.com/forums/showt...&threadid=8787 for one such effort) and it really isn't helping. I don't know what's eating me, or how to make it better.
So I'll just continue introspecting. If I seem quiet in chat, it's because I'm not all here. Meh.
My classes began today, so that was "fun."
Well, let's see... an hour and a half to kill til my night class. Time to find more posts to reply to.
~Becky
09.05.01
_________
Today was another terribly long day. Again, nothing eventful took place, save for that sophomore level computing class I was put in. I showed the teacher, Mr. Haiden, a simple rundown of my HTML stuff. It more or less rendered him speechless. He doesn't even know how to do what I did, and he's a certified professional. Most frightening of all is that it was really pretty basic stuff. I currently have very little faith in my school.
I had to go in to work, today, after school. It was unexpected, but necessary. Had I not gone, my co-workers Theresa and Jamie would have been completely alone on a pretty busy day. So, yeah, that was interesting.
Mood:Hyper.
Music: Don't let me be the last to know - Britany Spears.
Entry:
Okay, so I went partying at the club tonight. It was too hot. At first I hung around with my little sister while she walked around and I sat down and listened to some music on my disc man.
I called "R" (the guy who said I should come with him) and he said he doesn't have a ride and that he couldn't come. I almost cried. Not just because I'll probably hand around, but because he sounded so depressed and he really wanted to come. =( *sigh*
I sent Mikael an SMS. I really didn't know what else to do. After that my sister and I walked then we met up with some of my friends. My friend called her cousin. He was a guy I knew in my old school. She said, :"You do remember Katherine, dontcha?" He said: "Of course I do! We just said hi," (and we did,). so she said: "Oh yeah?" And then he said: "I'll kiss her then!" And I was like: O_O; But naah, it was just a little one. And his girl was like, "Whaaat? Now I'm jealous," but she wasn't really serious. Hee-hee. ;)
I had so much hanging around today I'm even gonna go next week. I'm taking peeps from my class with me wether they like it or not! *hmphs* And "R" too. (The guy I had a crush on last year).
When we were going home (9:30) I called him:
R: Hey, hun.
Me: Hey (name).
R: Did you leave the club already?
Me: Yeah, we just did.
R: I'm so sorry about today, I really couldn't find anyone to take me.
Me: Don't worry about it. It was fine. Honestly.
R: That's great!
Me: Thanks.
R: Hey, I gotta go. Talk to ya later.
Me: BuhBye.
*click went our phones*
I think I'll go bug him on Satureday.
Eeep, yet another music video timed out. sucks.
===================================
7-9-01. The last day before my holiday
===================================
I'm in a reasonably good mood, for quite a few reasons. Today is my last day of hell at work before my 9 day holiday and my parents are going away too. That means I have the house to myself at long last. I can get up when I want, I can make my own food, I can use the computer whenever I want, I can go into town when I want and I can use the phone/internet when I want. Me? Selfish? Naah. I just need a little freedom for once. I hope the feeling of depression won't be too much to bear once I return to work the following Monday.
Why did I come back to EoFF so soon? Well, I always told you I'd be coming back, but I didn't expect the new site to fail so miserably in such a short time. That's what you get when you assign mods that can't handle responsibility...or mods that abuse power. It's out of my control anyhow, the boss makes all the decisions, and most of his decisions are downright awful. I've tried to advise him, but to no avail. He's right and I'm wrong.
The name change...I loved the name "Rainecloud" but after 13 months of using it...I've grown somewhat tired of it. I've been to lots of places with the "Rainecloud" name, and I was a naive and stupid newbie when I first used it. That's how most people remember me, and I want that to change. Besides, I just love Knightmare.
To quote Rydia: "Playing on words again! You clever thing! ;)"
This final day at work will go so slowly...they always do. I don't think I can stand stapling one more funeral service sheet together. Why do people have to die dammit!?
I'm glad I've been accepted back here. I knew it would be difficult for you to welcome me yet again after my plans have once again failed, but you have done...because you care.
Well, since I've been back, I've been murdered by Wyllius six times in 2 days, so that's a good start.
I'm enjoying reading this daily grind thread, but some of the posts really do worry me - Alixsars for instance...he must be having such a hard time in life if he thinks suicide is the way out. Everyone here is finding life so much more difficult than I...and I am thankful I don't really have any major problems to deal with. The only thing I have to deal with from time to time is myself.
Alixsar - don't do anything silly. You'll sort things out. We here at EoFF care about you (I personally do) and ORPG's aren't meant to be personal anyway...don't worry if someone kills you on it. It's just a game isn't it? Things always get better somehow. Just do the things you enjoy. Be selfish for a while - it really helps ;)
'till next time...
09.07.01
___________
School is so stupid. >_< I mean, like, really stupid. Nothing we're doing is even interesting, let alone challenging or thought provoking. I realize we haven't been there long, but it should be picking up. But it hasn't, really. I've been there three days, and already I feel as though I'd dredging through weeks of it. This year is going to go far too slow.
My ex-band teacher confronted me, yesterday, about his disappointment with me dropping out, and how they need me back really bad. Perfect. The man treats a person awful when they're his, and when they rebal, he albiet comes crawling on his knees, though he masks that nicely with coy remarks.
Quitting band has made me one of the more recognized faces in High School, if nothing at all else. I joined band so that I might fit in, somewhere. It didn't really work. I quit band, I'm deluged with charismatic Junior and Sophomore girls begging for me to come back in an even more pitiful way than Mr. Wenz employed. Go figure.
September 7, Friday 9:58 PM
Ah, well after reading through my other post I can't believe I could have been so happy. Today was my third day of school, and well, to be honest I feel just as Britt. I feel like I've been there a week. Well I pretty much take back what I said before. I still have my problems, but I really don't want to/ feel like dealing with that now. I guess this is here to ramble on about my problems and things you don't want to hear, no?
Well here I go then. Today I woke up and didn't feel real good; Emotionaly speaking. I got up and took a shower. Then School came, went there suffered a few classes, I didn't have much of a conversation with anyone though. partly because there is noone to talk to (male wise because cannot speak to any girl I'd want to with out making an idiot of myself) but I guess thats not really my problem lately. I guess it kind of goes a bit with Alixsar's rather, is like it. Being ignored, it's a horrible feeling. Many of you haven't a problem with this, at least in some feilds, whether irl or online. Well, as some people know, it's horrible to be ignored and well, I have had it happen a lot. Irl and online, it's horrible, you don't know if you said something wrong or if it's something else. I guess it's like, well hard to explain. Like when you tell a joke and hope to make 'her' (or him for the ladies) laugh and you don't whether they think you are funny or stupid. And you just do't know. Okay, bad anology, but I can't gaurentee any of you have read this. Oh well. I guess it can only get better from here right? Yeah..
September 7, 2001 10:50 PM
Today was probably the worst Friday I've had in my life. School, itself, was decent. Nothing too good, nothing too bad. It was just everything else. One of my favorite shirts is screwed up, which I just found out today while I was wearing it at school. On the way home, these jackass eighth graders picked on me. Usually they don't ride in the afternoon, but I guess it just had to happen on a Friday. Then, when I got home, I was looking forward to a nice, quiet night alone while the rest of my family was at a home football game. What did I get? About an hour and a half home alone, then storms and a cancelled games. Today was horrible, to say the least. There really weren't any good parts. EoFF didn't seem to cheer me up. I went into Chat, but I felt like I was just backround noise to a main conversation. The forums didn't have anything too enticing, either.
I hope all Fridays aren't like this one. If they are, I'll have to be commited into an insane asylum before the end of the year.
Whenever anyone picks on you, do not even acknowledge they exist. They give up after a minute or two. Unless you have a really biting sarcastic remark you figure would work. A nice mixture of these have made me a force to be reckoned with among bullies. xDQuote:
Originally posted by Hsu
On the way home, these jackass eighth graders picked on me.
Later, 09.07.01
_______________
Friday. Glorious, illustrious Friday. I've had a nice day, really.
We had class elections, today. Those both sucked and ruled at the same time. The arse part was that only one person ran for three of the 6 catagories- Vice President, Secretary, and Treasurer. The Treasurer who won by default really, really sucks. Which is not a good thing.
On the other hand, the other three elections- President, and the 2 High School Student Council elections, went nicely. My intelligent accquaintance Ryan took President easily, and both my friend Matt and I nailed Student Council positions by a landslide. So, that was pretty alright. Everything else was fairly uneventful.
9.8.01 12:04 A.M.
------------------------
Got back from an away football game with the band, and the usual fun and bad stuff that goes with it. (How come other school's cheerleaders are so much better looking then ours?). Anyway, High School has been strange for me. Last june, I was a depressed, almost suicidal person, who hated everyone and everything. Now I'm much happier and light hearted, and life seems to go well, even though I've had the same problems, they just don't bother me anymore. I've had more social interaction in the past 7 days, then all 3 years of junior high. I don't want to sound like an super-happy idiot, believe me people who are having problems, I do know what it's like. Anyway, If I can get through the insane workload, I think HS is going ot be a great place. I've also met so many new people that I like, that's life.
Yup, that works well, as does a knowledge of a martial art. Three people that always picked on me stopped, after their punches were dodged, and they were thrown to the floor. Aikido is great.Quote:
Whenever anyone picks on you, do not even acknowledge they exist. They give up after a minute or two. Unless you have a really biting sarcastic remark you figure would work
I know this is off topic, but I have to say it: I did that all of last year to them, and it just made me feel miserable. This year I'm going to lash back at them and give them a taste of their own medicine.
How do you ignore a foot in your ass? I don't know about bullies back east, but bullies down in CA tend to be a little more physical then they are verbal...Quote:
Originally posted by Britt
Whenever anyone picks on you, do not even acknowledge they exist. They give up after a minute or two. Unless you have a really biting sarcastic remark you figure would work. A nice mixture of these have made me a force to be reckoned with among bullies. xD
Oh, and btw, my day was OK, school, HW, Talked to my friends a bit about our plans to tommorow....we're gonna play tennis and/or golf and then go to the museum for some AP US history extra credit....well yea...my life's pretty peachy right now
I might as well do this...I fell like it is a fun thing to do.
9/8/01--2:18am
Well, after a rather sh*tty week, my girlfreind and I had a real good time today. We weren't fighting with eachother though. Everydy this week we have been upset about something...even today...and it ruined our day...
But today, even though it was the worst "upset period", we did a 180 and everything turned out great!! We..um...yeah and we went out eat and we just had lots of fun! :)
That's because they're morons. >=] Even if such a thing happens (it has), I ignore it. It's easy to ignore that. You just keep walking. They still give up eventually. And if they ever really did anything to you, you can press charges and be set for life. That's always fun.Quote:
Originally posted by bossker
How do you ignore a foot in your ass? I don't know about bullies back east, but bullies down in CA tend to be a little more physical then they are verbal...
09.08.01
_________
Heh, I got to sleep in today. xD w00t! I can't stand getting up at 6:00 everyday.
Today, my parents are taking my sister to a huge party. So I get to be home alone all day. *dances* Thing is, I have no idea what I want to do, really. xD I doubt I'll be able to play Baldur's Gate for 6 and a half hours until Angie gets home. xDD I've been thinking of re-reading the Dragonlance saga, but I've found every book in my collection except the first, Dragons of Autumn Twilight. So I'll probably end up spending a good deal of my time rummaging for that.
I finally started school. Wee. It's so lonely now... I wanna go back home. :(
Well, yesterday was my birthday. School was crappy, as expected, but everything started to look up once I got home. I saw the birthday thread in General and that really made me smile... and my dad took me to Chevys and junk. We ordered dessert... and my stepmother tells the waitress to put a candle in mine. We never got a candle. I got the entire Chevys waiter/waitress crew doing some happy birthday chant for me. xD I was mortified beyond belief... they put a sombrero on my head... and my dad took it home with him. At least no one from school was there.
Anyway... I went for new glasses today. I don't need a new prescription, thankfully, but I needed new frames anyway. I picked out a nice expensive pair. ^_^
So now I'm home alone, waiting for my dad to return from his trip to the computer shop with my webcam. :D Maybe I'll watch The Matrix later... I can play the DVD on my computer now.
Yay for me.
I've just registered to this god forsaken place, and to be frank I'm quite surprised, i would expect one hell of a lot more members for a site such as this, it has a ton of great graphics and info for FF, a most spectacular site indeed!
9/08/01
I tried to post here on my birthday but I was too lazy :P
Anyways, I had fun on Thursday...I didn't do anything...but my mom gave me 50 bucks for my birthday so I spent it. Well...almost half of it I spent on Oracle of Seasons (one of the new Zelda games) for my game boy. My grandma gave me 60 bucks...and I still have twenty left from the 50 my mom gave me. I dunno what I'll spend it on, if anything. Friday was meh. School's been meh all week. I finally got to talk to Elyse yesterday, it had almost been a week. O_o;; It just kinda seemed weird. Oh well...what can ya do? I know this is short and not descriptive but I got six hours of sleep so I really don't care right now. :D Ugh, ok see ya.
9-9-01 10:24pm
I've been in quite a mood the past few days. I haven't been talkative, or exceptionally cheerful, and I've had a lot of stuff on my mind. I said something to someone the other day, and I shouldn;t have.. It's hitting me now that I shouldn;t have said that. He knows who he is, I hope he knows I didn't mean it. :( Right now i'm incredibly tense, and a bit depressed. I'm gonna go shower and write a bit.. hopefully that will help.
======================================
10-9-01. Depression Rears it's oh-so-ugly head...
======================================
It's the first day of my holiday, and already I'm depressed. I'm bored out of my skull, all my friends are at college/school and I have nobody to talk to apart from my senile Grandparents. They know nothing about me due to memory loss...and it's really awful to see them in that state. Worse still, I have to sleep at their house whilst my parents are on holiday. I come back here to use the net, so it's not so bad. I feel so sorry for them, living completely pointless lives, with only their next meal to look forward to. It makes me want to cry...and I am while I'm typing this. I must control myself while I'm at their house...I don't like to show my emotions.
I have lots of money to spend...but nothing to buy. I don't want to waste it, so I'd better save it. I might need it someday. The only thing I buy nowadays are Final Fantasy soundtracks from gamemusic.com. I look forard to my "Pray" album and the "Suteki Da Ne" single which should be arriving through my door soon. The postman suspects that I'm ordering porn from the net with me receiving all these packages...I'm embarassed, even though I know it's not! xD
I feel slightly happier now. My main objective in life is to please others. At the moment, I've become a very close friend of an 11 year old girl who is...having family problems. Her Dad loses his temper a lot. He lost it when I was sleeping over at their house a while back (I'm friends with the girl's older brother) and he lost it with her. She accidentally overloaded the dishwasher and smashed a few plates. He dragged her around by her hair and hit her. I could have killed him....but I controlled myself. She was so embarassed and in a state afterwards, so I consoled her. We are very good friends now, and she talks to me whenever I'm around. It's nice to have such a caring friend, one who sticks by you all the time, even if she is so young. I swear, if her dad ever does anything else, I won't control myself again.
Just seeing Britt's new signature has made me feel so nice and happy inside. I feel happy for you and Angela. I hope everything works out well for you.
Till next time...I'll be watching Knightmare...
Winamp has developed a nasty tendency to make me click the minimize button to minimize it, instead of just clicking on IE. I find this increasingly annoying. Right now I'm on the verge of asking for help. I'll wait on that, though.
Let's see...today has been disappointing. Computer Science was as expected. In fact, I predict that that will be the theme of this school year. smurfing dull and boring. I have lots to daydream and write about, but I'll have to pay some attention. Right now I'm thinking that I'll go for a career in music. It looks weird typing that, but I love making music. I just need to know how, and it'll take a LOT of time. The effort isn't a problem..I can get done what I want to if I try hard enough. I think this year I'll be mostly slogging through until I can have fun in Year 12. I'm considering changing something to some form of marketing course, just in case I get interested in advertizing, but I'll have to wait on that for now. Damn the lack of a decent Home Ec. course...But no...only 'cooking' and 'economics', neither of which I'm which spending a time-slot on. Still, though, my classes are looking extrememly dull and predictable, and so easy I just might fail them.
Math - Non-gifted, and looks just stupid. I have a hard teacher, but math is generally a snap so long as you do your h/w and study.
Physics - Looks like it might be the most interesting course...which is scary. I have lots of people to talk to here, at least.
English - With the amazing generic teacher and mandatory study of Shakespeare, this looks like a sleeper...save for the assigned 6-8 hours of h/w a week...blah. We're reading the once and future king at the moment....Could be worse, I guess. And we have to keep a book journal...ugh.
Computer Science - Programming. Visual Basic. I have a seat that isn't in front of the fan, so the room is unbearably sticky. Going to be easy, but an absolute bore. Very little h/w, mind you.
Day 2:
Ancient Civilizations - Useless, but it'll be a lot of fun. A lot of work, but a great teacher, and a class with lots to mock. It'll be my little reminder of last year. Yay.
Vocal Music - Taken by accident, and promises to be an incredibly easy, yet boring 92-100. I thought it might actually help me sing, but that seems VERY unlikely.
Drama (playwriting) - I don't really need to write plays, but acting is fun enough, and it's just a good course to take. Pretty useless, though. Will probably be harder than I think, but at least I have peers I talked to...last year, anyway.
Chemistry - Fun with a teacher whose idea of first-day fun is making a "gigantic phallic symbol" from dishwasher detergent and lighting it on fire. Joy. I don't even need to know this.
So....every single one of my courses, save (hopefully) physics, is useless. This year promises to be dull. I'm getting sick of it already. I'm already disconnecting. Totally. Most of the friends I made last year I'm ignoring or telling to go away, and I just feel like writing lyrics. Lyrics, mind you, not poems. I get the feeling I might not be too much fun this year. Dammit. I KNOW year 12 will be fun, but this I'm feeling terribly bored already. And lonely. I don't know why the last one though..no, I honestly don't. Today I just caught myself thinking that I wish I had a purpose. Worst of all, I'm not depressed either, really. Just very pensive and thoughtful and worried. I kinda wish I would be depressed, but I'm feeling almost apathetic, and I'm starting to get a little scared, because I get the feeling I might lose all I got last year, then year 12 will have to be spent scrambling for it again. I know that the feelings are there, and I don't feel like giving up, and I'm fighting now, but I can't just make myself really depressed, or sad. I'm scared, though. I dont' know what I can do...I'm getting darker and darker the more I write. I'm starting to laugh at things in a really dark, mean way, already, as opposed to the playful way I did before. I'm starting to really dislike everyone and everything, and I want to be alone all the time now. Not alone as in not having anyone care, or not caring, but just that I want all the noise around me to stop. Other than whatever music I have playing, that is. I'd better get over this, and I know that I can. I KNOW it. I always can. But I'm worried...I'm repeating myself, too. I try to talk to people and smile, but inside I just feel like running. I already told my group I don't want to talk to them...I don't know how much more alienating I can get. Gah...I'm making it worse by writing this, but maybe I need some sort of catharsis. Whatever it is, it won't come tonight. I don't even have someone to tell me what to do. Nicky's great to talk to, but she's kinda where I am. Daniel is a great guy too, but he won't know what the hell I'm talking about, I don't think so, anyway. I could try talking to Becky....I think I will. It's just that I've relied on her before, and I don't want to worry her. Well, worth a shot, I guess. Oh, and my mom's computer is broken, so she has to use this one too. smurfing amazing.
My best friend, after a night last Friday where he said some amazing things about me, and beautiful, said something yesterday that made me so incredibly angry that even now I'm almost shaking. I've done a lot of horrible things and great things with him, but I'm not sure I can get over that. It's not a matter of forgiving him, I just can't believe it still. We've ALWAYS stayed friends to this point, so I won't say that we never will again, but it may take a couple months until I trust him. At all. And I don't think he understands the line he crossed either. And he still says I'm the most important person in his life...*sardonic laughter* Yifei, man, I love you, but you gotta find your own way sometimes and don't put that kind of pressure on me...don't cross that line again. You once said that if I was anyone else you would have killed me for what I did to you. Well, right now, if you were anyone else, I would be out destroying your life. You don't understand why, but take my word for it, you've got a LOT to learn. I do too, but you have to at least open your mind. That's all.
As for me...I feel a bit better for saying that, but I'm still feeling cold and emotionless, for the most part. I could go on forever, and maybe I will later tonight, but for now I'm done. Anyone who read that, thank you...Unlike me, you aren't part of the problem, but part of the solution. For now, anyway. Ach, I feel like such a different person...bye for now...
*puts on 'Untitled' and is glad he still feels something*
Love always,
~~Silverlocke
September 10, 2001 9:31 PM
Today was an interesting day. At school, it was basic, as usualy, except for the huge mishap that happened with a Social Studies/Language Arts project.
Something odd that happened is that the drum section in my band got a girl drummer. We've never had a girl in it, so it'll be wierd. The guys and I will probably end up scaring her away. (we're known to do stuff like that)
The only complaint about today is the baby shower my mom held for a co-worker. About 20 people she works with that I've never seen, yet they know me perfectly, oogling over baby socks isn't my idea of fun. I locked myself away in my room and watched TV, did homework, and slept.
Also, my dad has been bugging me to build a website for him. Every time he talks to me, he asks if I've worked on it. I'm getting nothing in return, yet he tells me to work on it all the time. He's given me no images and no information. He just said to build it. What's even worse is that I'm working on my own website at the same time. Joy?
Until next time...
(BTW: If you want to see the site I'm working on, it's at http://slingshot.to/random )
let me see...refused my scorpionflakes, started a big debate, tried to stop teachers from embezzling money from the student council, managed to not break my ankle today, did stuff and things and it all just starts the same and ends the same...washed out, outdone, done with, withdraw, draw on three...
9/11/01 -12:16am
Well, technically, yesterday was fun...since it is past midnight I have to call it yesterday becasue that is correct for a diary...
well, i puked because I got food poisoned and I saw a cool Tool concert the day before yesterday...thats all that happened! :)
September 11th, 2001.
'Nuff said.
September 11, 2001 8:24pm
Today was quite a day.. *sighs* I woke up today with a phone call that was completely unbelieveable.
"hey hun, it's Chrissy. Turn on your tv."
"hey Chris. Why?"
"a plane just crashed into the workld trade center, Danni that's like 45 minutes from here!!"
O_O!! *turns on tv as second plane connects*
"oh my dear god...."
"what, what happened? I'm in the car."
"a second one just crashed."
*dead silence*
so my day started out with me being shocked, and disbelieving. I came online and a lot of people messaged me all at once. Simon told Mikael to tell me to get on ym, so I did. He called me not too long after. I was still in shock at this point, and horror.. realizing I know people who work there, or around there. O_O;;
I watched Cnn live all day long.. I tried a few times to change the channel but I couldn't. My mood changed as I watched more and more. I felt incredibly sad that someone could do this. I cried at one point. Then i went into anger, and quite honestly wanted whoever had done this to die slowly and painfully.
Then I went into thought mode. I thought that violence only begets even more violence, and we most certainly don't need more of that.
My thoughts are still a bit off and jumbled right now.. I'm not going to say more, except I love you all and be safe *hugs everyone* Blessed be
September 11, 2001 11:10 PM
Today added a lot to the hopeless, bitter, angry resentment I feel towards the world. I've always felt that life was a battle. It's me versus the world. Today just goes to remind me that the world always wins. Everyone else fights the same battle, knowingly or unknowingly. Each of us fights alone, and it's impossible to win.
But we have to do what we have to do. Giving up has never been an option. We just have to take what life throws at us and deal with it if possible.
09.11.01, 10:27PM.
____________________
September 11th. Another "day that will live in infamy."
I cannot begin to understand this terrible day. Today, the world stood still. At 6:45, I woke up to go to prepare for school. At that same instant, in New York City, the world changed forever. I wouldn't know until at least 8:30... But it had happened. It truly is "The end of the world as we know it." The world is far from ending, I know- but the old way will never be back, I don't think. Not for a very, very long time, anyways.
I look back on the way we used to live, and think "Good lord, I miss it already." Like Unne said... It's one against the world. The world simutaneously won 6.5 billion games, today. No one will go unaffected, I don't think. The economy is already dropping, and our attention is diverted.
Yes, I am being dramatic. But it is still true. I sit and think "My God. The Twin Towers- the Twin Towers- are gone. The Pentagon is about 1/6th ruined. The Pentagon, for Christ's sake! Today was a huge "Wake up call," I think. Again, like Unne said, it's another brick in the wall- a huge brick in the wall.
I wonder, now... What kind of world will I be in, when I wake up, tomorrow? Certainly not the same world as this morning, when my greatest woe was being unable to drag my arse out of bed. There is a garish shadow hanging over the world, right now. I would look outside today, into bright sunlight, and think 'how inappropriate." Sunlight, and the simple things in life, will not look quite the same for an incredibly long time. I won't be able to stroll on the pier and contemplate the cosmos, anymore, without thinking 'gee, I wonder what's going down on CNN.' or 'man, the world is a sad, sad place.'
We all sing a terrible ballad, but I fear the allegro has yet to come.
[edit: I'd like to make note of my error... The World Trade Centers weren't attacked until about 8:00, my time. Forgive my inaccuracy.]
i don't know what to say. this is going to be one of these things, like people ask 'where were you when you heard princess diana died?'...where were you when you heard about the world trade centre? where was i? ha! i was at the bus-stop, going to school. i didn't really realise how serious it was until i saw pics of it and read an actual report. then in geo we watched the news...my teacher cried...in english the teacher told us all to study...we have exams tomorrow...but who can concentrate?? then school finished and i walked away from the carnage and stepped outside. into the sunshine and the flowers and the happy smiling people everywhere. it was so bathos. people continuing with their lives while halfway across the world others' are broken...and what did i do? i ended up running into a friend and going to their house where they attempted to teach me to dance and we ended up singing...ugh. the pentagon...they smashed into the pentagon...i feel sick. and i am nowhere near this. it has nothing to do with me. but it has still made an impact on me and everyone else and i still can't get that image of those people jumping out of the world trade centre out of my head...
I'm so sad for all of the events...
I have nothing to say. This song came to my mind this morning...
I can't believe the news today,
I can't close my eyes and make it go away.
How long, how long must we sing this song?
How long? Tonight we can be as one.
Broken bottles under children's feet,
Bodies strewn across a dead end street,
But I won't heed the battle call,
It puts my back up, puts my back up against the wall.
Sunday, bloody Sunday.
Sunday, bloody Sunday.
And the battle's just begun,
There are many lost, but tell me who has won?
The trenches dug within our hearts,
And mothers, children, brothers, sisters torn apart.
Sunday, bloody Sunday.
Sunday, bloody Sunday.
How long, how long must we sing this song?
How long, tonight we can be as one.
Tonight, tonight.
Sunday, bloody Sunday.
Sunday, bloody Sunday.
Wipe the tears from your eyes,
Wipe your tears away,
Wipe your blood shot eyes.
Sunday, bloody Sunday.
Sunday, bloody Sunday.
And it's true we are immune.
When fact is fiction and TV is reality,
And today the millions cry,
We eat and drink while tomorrow they die.
The real battle has just begun.
To claim the victory Jesus won,
On a Sunday, bloody Sunday,
Sunday bloody Sunday.
September 12, 2001 - 1:00 PM CST
I haven't had a chance to catch up on the reading of this thread for a while, but I imagine that many of the regular authors have been writing their reactions to and regret regarding yesterday's tragic events. I will not be doing this, I already put my thoughts in the thread for that in GC, and...frankly, at the risk of sounding callous, I'm tired of talking about it. It's a horrible thing, and a big deal, yes, but focusing on it constantly just brings moods down to depression.
So. I just had a class cancelled (teacher absent), which makes me happy - I have three hours 'til my next and final class for the day, which is just a band rehersal.
Late last week I feel into one of my antisocial/misanthropic moods, the type of mood where everyone annoys me just by existing around me, so I generally seclude myself from friends and others. I was going to expand that to staying off of Y!M and mIRC as well, but, in light of recent events, I jumped from my "I don't want people" mind-set to one of "I need people." I still have some issues and whatnot boiling around inside me, but, as I pointed out in my more recent of the two poems I posted - I cannot necessarily solve them alone, much as I want to.
Let's see. I lead a fairly boring life. I go to school, I sleep, I work on musical things, play pool, walk, and do my online/EoFF stuff. Not much to add when I have no real trauma to discuss.
The school year's off to a good start. I'm feeling confident that this semester, I'll get decent grades and whatnot.
Meh... that's all, until I have something more fruitful to add.
~Becky
9.12.01
I am SO NOT thrilled at watching my essay topic turn into a dead gas-discussion thread. Regardless, I am submitting it to the local papers. I am also disgusted at 2 things in general:
1 - Damn bureaucracy the supposed "NPO's" run under. Self-explanatory.
I would say #2, but, no, everyone has enough to worry about. If you want to know, then read my essay.
September 12th, 2001 7:05 PM
Just another day to me. School is really...boring this year. I have some fun, but nothing out-of-the-ordinary ever happens. It's so routine.
I've been in a huge mood to play Zelda LttP. I'm gonna ask my friend if I can borrow his copy. Next time I visit a store with old school games in it, it'll be most likely I'll get it. I also want to move the SNES into my room. It's in my sister's, but she never plays it.
Most likely tommrow will be like today...but stay tuned until next time. Same Hsu time, same Hsu channel!
*is corney*
Well...I could get back to normal life today. Mostly...my mom's still pretty well obsessed with what happened. I don't think there's much I can do, mind you. We're the lucky ones posting here.
Let's see...school was pretty bland. Easy, but bland. Computer Science...hereafter to be referred to as Programming, isn't THAT bad, but it's pretty boring. I suppose Visual Basic isn't the worst one out there, though. Meh...it wasn't even my idea to take the course.
Anyhow...yeah..I know I'll get pretty decent grades this year, provided I do some work, and I'm pretty confident that I can do something musically...at worst it'll be an obsession that'll pass in roughly two to six months, and no harm done. Blah...I'm still not making headway emotionally, mind you. I think I'm about to, then I just fail to do so, and I don't like it at all. Of course, I don't go along with it, so we'll see...at the very least I'll just introvert myself and I won't hurt anyone. *sigh* Mom's watching a repeat of yesterday's news..it's pretty upsetting. The world will indeed never be the same. I know, I'm dwelling on that again. Sorry. Best wishes to all, and sympathies to those who've lost.
well, today i failed my english exam. it doesn't matter.
September 13th, 2001. 6.30pm
What a weird day. Still talking about the American Attack and it still hasn't really sunk in for some people. And I just heard that one of my Uncles family was going to New York so we don't know what has happened. I really wish this hadn't of happened. And the main reason why I wished this hadn't of happened is only because I might not be able to go to America next week. I can even tell myself I am being really selfish when all the families in NYC are much more sad than I am. But it's just not fair. Life is not fair.
9.13.01
--------------------
Today was a horrible day for me, it was so sad. Today at school I found out that one of the Sophomores, who was probably to friendliest of the upperclassmen (at least to me) has died. She died while running cross-country. This shocks me she was so nice and happy, it's so sad to see her go. She was also a healthy regular 15 year old girl, now dead. Add this to the WTC tragedy, and my life has gone from unbelievable happy, to horribly depressed over a period of two days. I know it seems trite to only think of those near me, but It seems just as bad as the WTC thing. Oh well, I guess I'll go to me room, and sit in silence, or something, just to cool down.
Saturday, September 15, 2001 - 1:25 AM CST
Let's see. It's the weekend, yay. My roommate went home, so I'm alone, yay. No classes for two days... yay.
That sums it up pretty well.
I'm feeling overly introspective and rather out of it in general, but, life's all right.
Heh, this can stay short, to make up for my previous lengthy post :P
~Becky
September 15th, 2001. 10.26pm
This day has turned out even better than I thought it would be. Since this morning, all that has been on my mind is: Am I going to America? I was starting to realise that I was not going. I was not going to get my wish. And just talking to people from the States who I was going to talk to over the phone was even more heart wrenching. Until tonight. It all feels so...unreal. I am going to America. This time seems so certain I am going but now, out of all this time, I just don't feel as certain as I was two days ago. My Mum is always asking if I'm scared but I say no. I know she is really scared. I think I am scared deep down inside but I don't want to admit it. Especially to myself. I know if I tell my Mum or anyone else I'm scared straight from me, it makes me look weak and vulnerable. I can't be. I have to be strong for my Mum. I know people won't be worried about me. I'm not worried. I just know this will turn out alright.
9.15.01 1:51 P.M.
-------------------------
Even with all of the depression in my life this week, I still managed to have fun last night. I think the stress that it caused made us get more rowdy last night, and our band director wasn't there, so we were led by a senior, ehich means that certain rules don't apply. So even though I'm sad, the depression is starting to wear off, and the lives in our town are starting to get back to normal.
Saturday, September 15th, 9:30 PM
Well, I was origionally supposed to get home yesterday but due to the recent events I am still stuck in the city. I am just lucky enough to be able to get to this lap-top, I am also glad my cable hookup provider enables us to use it from the hotel. Anyway, I have been busy looking around the city. I get a terrible feeling every time I see the former WTC. It's sick, and I think that the Televison doesn't due justice to what it actually feels like to be here.
Unfortunetly, I know quite a few people who are still missing, and it feels horrible, not knowing, but none of them are immediate family so I can only guess how much worse it must be for thousands of people.... but I don't want to dwel on this, for everyones sake.
I should be getting home soon, right now it seems like we'll be able to take off within the next three days. There are so many people coming in and out of the city. I was also surprised to see many firemen I know from the area back home. I saw some I knew from livingston county (it's a county near Wyoming county, Where I live)
and they said everything was okay there, so I assume everything is alright at home, in Warsaw. I badly wanted to give blood but I am not able to until I am 18 so my brother and I went down to the red cross building, uh.. I think it was on 32'nd street but I am not sure, and we helped out as much as we could there.
Thats about all I can be doing around here, so I am sorry for everyone with loses, especially Spaceman Spiff, I hope you hear from your father, and anyone else with lost friends, family, or loved ones, we are all in the same boat.
I've been skipping on these a couple of days. I'll cover past events.
9/15/01 11:07 PM
Well, the past couple of days have been very interesting. On Thursday, my friend came up to me in band with a guitar magazine and told me he wanted to get a lead guitar and learn to play. Ironically enough, I've been wanting to get a bass and learn to play for the longest time. Well, long story short, we've been talking about this a lot, and it's a possibility of getting a bass starter set for my birthday in a couple weeks. It's schweet. When my friend gets all his stuff, and we both learn how to play, we could start a band. We'd need a drummer, though. One of my friends has a drum set, but because of certain...reasons...we don't really want him to be in it. But it's cool.
Also, I've gotten a bad cold lately. I've been sneezing, I've had a sore throat, and a very runny nose. I've also been very drowsy. If it weren't for the whole guitar thing, I'd feel very bad.
Tonight, I got in chat...and I got out after a while, due to a fight between two people, who will remain nameless. I might get back on lately. Hopefully, the one who started the whole fight won't be in it.
See you all later.
(18 days until my birthday...w00t!)
Yesterday = Hell on a <BLEEPING> scorched Earth.
Oh, and by the way, mom I JUST BLEW SEVENTY DOLLARS, AND I DID IT DELIBERATELY!!
I thought I'd point that out, so you can go back to being miserable.
Ear hurts...
Take what you have, strip it down. Take away all the layers that mean nothing, the work, the wind, the beauty, the words, and what you have leftover is what really matters to you. ...And you matter to me.
La la la ---
Oh, I'll be gone for the next few days, to anyone who's reading. Thought I'd point that out. Whee...
~~Silverlocke
Monday, September 17, 2001 - 9:15 AM CST
I had a pretty decent weekend. I went home early on Saturday, and saw my family. Saturday I mostly hung around with my mom. We went shopping and to dinner -- a GREAT dinner. We ate at my favorite restaurant in Oshkosh, Fratello's. Mmm. Chicken and broccoli fettuchini alfredo and tiramisu. It doesn't get much better than that.
Sunday we had a semi-large family gathering for my father's birthday. Both of my brothers, my sister, my sister-in-law, my nephew, my grandmother and my father and stepmother were there. It was nice. We had a grilled, 'picnic' lunch and then went for rides in the canoe.
Then I returned here to school...meh.
That's really all for this entry, so, yeah.
Oh, and thank-you to the person who told me a while back in chat (I regrettably forget who it was) that you really enjoy my jounral entries. I'm glad they are entertaining to someone other than me.
~Becky
September 17, 2001 11:48 AM
I slept through my first class today. Well, actually I woke up on time, thought about it for a couple minutes, then decided it wasn't worth it. Sometimes it's hard to care about things. I'm just glad I made it through high school before I started acting this way. I can get away with it in college, to an extent.
I was going to type some more, but there's no point in it.
September 17, 2001 1:10 PM PST
My life is pretty terrible right now. It feels like I am at work all the time. I gradually hate my job more and more every day. Not only is there the problems in America right now, my parents are now getting divorced, and I have to deal with financial problems, moving, arguments, etc. The brakes on my car are nearly broken so I have to be very careful when I drive to not kill anyone. Right now the only thing I can look forward to is that things can only get better from now on.
Oh look at the time... Time to get ready for work :(
September 17, 2001 4:31 PM
I can't really describe the mood I'm in right now. I'm neither happy or depressed. It's wierd.
I'm not happy because I felt horribly sick this morning during school. I got over it, though. Also, I felt like I was going to kick a few people in the nuts, then break their noses today at recess. They really ticked me off.
I'm not depressed, though. I have little homework. I'm downloading RM2k on one of my computers. And there's also the thought that in a couple of weeks it's my birthday.
My friend told me about a part he's gonna be having. We're gonna be going to the place where his new house is gonna be built and camp out. I'd feel better about doing it, but then he told me some details:
1. We'll have no tents or anything, just sleeping out on the (probably wet) ground...during fall.
2. He wants to have a water fight...during fall.
It's things like that that make me question his sanity. I think it'd be fun...but instead of water balloons, we could play laser tag, and sleep in a tent or something. I'm gonna be horribly sick after this >_<
...that's all I have to say right now.
*waits for RTP to finish downloading*
9-17-01
Holy shep. I think I just got myself banned from the school computers for 'chatting'. Ignorant librarians, don't even know what a forum is. They wrote me up. Now that just get me pissed. Plenty of other people play games and check emails during school, but noooooo, they pick on me.
I hate them. I really really do.
On the plus side, I play Xenogears everyday. Oooohhh yeah....
"i've got a good feeling
like i know how i'm feeling
scraping me off the ceiling
back to that good feeling.
i find it hard living
wasting our time giving
when will we all give in
into that good feeling..."
-fran healy.
"looking out the window, the line is fine
standing on the edge, but don't look town
look at all the people, they all look fine
it's not just life or death..."
Also courtesy of fran healy of 'travis' fame :D
Whee. Posting time.
The last couple days have been Rosh Hashanah, which is essentially the Jewish New Year, so much of the time was spent at shul...which wasn't nearly as bad as one might think. We're at a new reform shul, which is actually pretty interesting. Plus we got free lunch both days. Yayay. And Yay some more.
Plus I got to enjoy my Dad and stepmom's cooking, another plus. And services were much shorter than usual due to the new shul too.
Anyway, today my brother got called into PT (physical training) for no good reason, so we had to leave early to go to his dorm to get his uniform. I got to stick around, which was actually great. All I did was talk to University people from his floor until 6-ish.
All I can say (inner child: he's lying, he'll say more) is that it was Great! Man...Other than the whole prospect of "real life" approaching, I can't wait until I get to go to Uni...IF I live on res, that is. I'm getting way ahead of myself in any case...but it was actually a hell of a lot of fun. People are so much....better than High School.
Now, granted, I won't be going to film school...I don't think, and I don't even know if I'll be living on Res, but I'm looking forward to never having to listen to whining about who likes who...or hearing it less, anyway (now I get to hear about who's screwing who, but, let's face it, it's a hell of a lot more interesting). Of course, I would probably get tired of living with dozens of half-filled bottles of alcohol and coolers and junk food lying around, but...um...I'll...fly over that bridge when I get there. (Hey, I need to at least think I'm going to a better place after high school, right? No, it's not desperation!)
Seriously, though, I'm surprised they were that...accepting of talking to me, since I was introduced as "my little brother Myles"...kinda nice, really. I was expecting them to be at least a little mocking or something once JJ was gone, but no, they were semi-offering me alcohol and discussing how certain phrases like "poon tang" were introduced into the collective consciousness of people with minds at least semi-spent in the gutter (Isn't it comforting to know that there are still sexually frustrated Arts students in Uni? No.). There were even lots of fun news updates that occured during the day to keep one interested (someone slept with Eric, and he wasn't good enough, so now she needs a way to break up! See how mature we are now? Pfft.).
Stil...I enjoyed it, I didn't particularly like having to go, I made some friends with people I'll probably never see again...it was kinda like a tour, only I didn't leave the building, and there was a lot more mentioning of things we wouldn't mention in tours. Meh.
Of course...tomorrow I have to go back to the world that is mine at the moment...but I'm more looking forward to getting the hell out of it now, and it isn't THAT bad, either. So...I guess there's optimism in the ranks of one. Not like that makes sense, mind you.
I have real rambling ability. I deserve a prize, such as a rubber ducky. No, I don't know where the hell that came from. I'm not too coherent today anyway. I'm getting a cold, for one thing. It's annoyish. I wasn't even supposed to be back tonight! But back I am.
Ramble ramble ramble. Take care of yourselves, everyone.
Welcome back Myles. *gives him a rubber ducky*
Now, then.
September 19, 2001 - 9:54 PM CST
Well, I'm really glad today is over. Half the school-week, done, plus Tuesday and Wednesday are my busiest days, so what's left this week won't be too bad.
I have to run a meeting tomorrow, and have no real idea what I'm doing, so I figure I'll just smile and nod, and use my 'professional' voice. Meh.
Let's see, what else... I've been getting zero sleep, yet going to bed early (well... early by my standards, at least). Horribly frightening and/or just plain screwed up dreams, the whole night long, is what I've been having for the past three nights now. I won't go into detail here, frankly I only recall a couple of them. Yet I woke up incredibly disturbed, and have been going through my days in a confused daze, bothered by those dreams I can barely remember.
Oh, well. Nothing really notable has happened, so this entry'll be short.
~Becky
Given I've never posted here before, this entry is likely going to stretch over a general period from some time ago to today. I suppose it helps that my life hasn't been terribly eventful lately.
I picked up FFT (great game) not too long ago for about $20. Mighty fine bargain, and I've still got about $70 or so left in my wallet. I plan on spending some on CDs--maybe Tantric, Cold, Staind. I might also pick up another game--maybe Mario Kart Super Circuit, Oracle of Ages, or... maybe I'll save it until I have some idea of what Lady Sia is going to be like. (Thus far, it's appealed to me. Especially the rich graphics and haunting melodies.) I'm thinking of picking up Warcraft II: Battle.Net Edition, but I know I'm terrible at real-time strategy games--I don't know if it'd be worth the $10. I've also been looking into fake jewelry... but I'm not sure if I'll be able to pick up any rings in my size. I might have a little trouble squeezing into a size 10 ring--it'd be easier if I lost some weight. ><
The reality of the World Trade Center didn't set in until some time ago. When I first heard about it, I hoped we didn't get into WWIII. But I hoped we got a chance to dispose of the Taliban. I actually thought that it might be better not to find out who was at the root of this, and not start a huge war over it, rather than find out and start such a war over it. The reality hadn't hit me. The people who died weren't "real people" to me... they were numbers. Staggering numbers, but... people though I knew they were, they were faceless and nameless to me. I didn't know any of them.
But, my apathy changed... I learned that some of my friends lost family in the WTC attack. My mom told me a story she'd seen on the news--of an employer who'd been personally spared because he was taking his daughter to her first day of kindergarten--who found that every one of his 700+ employees had gone down in the WTC attack, including his own brothers. He gave the medical staff an employee list, and said "Find me anyone." He didn't say "find my brothers." He said "Find me anyone." That's roughly when the reality hit me. About how real people with real lives with real concerns with real feelings--thousands of them--had been killed. Some on the planes. Some crushed in the debris. Others stuck in pockets of the debris, maybe slowly, painfully, consciously dying before the rescue workers could reach them.
But... I don't want to dwell on depressing stuff like that. There's little I can do now. I want something to lift me up, not bring me down.
I read a book called "Peaceful Kingdom--Random Acts of Kindness by Animals." It's... touching. If you want something to warm your heart, get it now. It's like a testament to how not all the good in this world is gone yet, how there are still hearts filled with love and caring, both human and nonhuman. I swear it gave me some kind of naive hope, faith in this world. It nursed what little spark of hope I had left--both in others, and in myself. It showed me that I still have feelings, that I'm not yet condemned with living death.
It's also Homecoming week here, and we have these strange dress-up days all week. Tuesday was Halloween costume day, and we had people dressed up as all sorts of things--the Men in Black, demons, small children, witches, beach bums, even one senior athlete (football player, I think?) who dressed up as Little Red Riding Hood. Yesterday, we had this strange "Blast From the Past Day." There were many interpretations on this. I saw cavemen, hippies, Confederate soldiers, cheap 40's and 50's conformist knockoffs, girls in fancy 1800's/early 1900's party dresses, even one guy who dressed up as a baby (there's a curious interpretation). One girl in my Spanish class wore this absolutely gorgeous black outfit, complete with S&M-queen black high heels and a black headband which went just beautifully with the rest of her outfit. :love:
Today, we had Male Volleyball... there are three matches. The Sophomores square off against the Seniors, and the Juniors against the Freshmen, in the first two. My grade (Sophomores) put up a good fight--you can tell they got better since last year--but they still lost by quite a bit to the Seniors. The Freshmen absolutely had their asses handed to them (though someone was fiddling with the scoreboard, and after the endgame buzzer went off, the Freshmen's score was stacked to some 30 points). I imagine the Juniors and Seniors will be squaring off against each other tomorrow.
That's something of a contrast to last year, when while our Freshmen did horribly, the Sophomores handed the Seniors' asses to them. If I remember correctly, those Sophomores then went on to whoop the Juniors as well. Note that the Sophomore class which whooped all the upperclassmen are now the Juniors who played against the Freshmen today. I expect them to beat the Seniors tomorrow.
We're also going to have Powderpuff Football tomorrow. "Powderpuff." Way to break the glass ceiling. :mad:
Yesterday, I got to visit the large public library about 30 miles from my town. I got a library card and checked out a few books... two on politics (on separation of church and state, mostly), and two on writing. One of the books on writing I like--it focuses on major writing elements, and how to work with them, like character, theme, and plot--and searching for details from your own heart and mind. The other I don't like as much--now, the book itself may be good, but I don't like the perspective that writing is presented from. I'll be revisiting the library tomorrow, and I'll probably return that book and look for something else. On a less related note, the library sits on a bay, and the view is absolutely magnificent.
Now, yes, there are plenty of things going on in my school this week (more homework than usual, in fact, though I've been handling it well), and the WTC event was a big thing, but... not as much has been going on in my personal life. Mostly just shopping plans and checking out books... not much, né? My love life and artistic output have both been silent, and both are things I crave. The second, I can do something about when I find the time... but the former is so difficult. It's hard enough finding people I like, and so much harder finding people that are similarly attracted to me.
~Belladonna Knight
P.S. I'm searching for a "real" name, too. Add that to what little eventfulness has been taking place in my life.
Beneath it, there’s another layer somewhere. Something very bitter, very possessive, very angry, and very, very horny. It might not be the deepest one out there, but certainly below the surface there is one very psychopathic and very sinister. Dark. Just give me what I want already! It’s a bit more of a subdued face, only showing up in certain times of certain experience, and can often seem to vanish. It needs to be present, undoubtedly. Sometimes it overrides everything else and becomes almost infinitely strong, then goes away quickly, leaving you reeling. Frail yet bedazzled. It’s fun and light and happy and playful, but down there on more than one level, but this one in particular it really isn’t, and you’d do just about anything to make sure as hell it isn’t going anywhere, and who knows where you stop. Purely impure, lovingly murderous. Somewhere the knife’s just an expression of how much you care, but that fact more often than not gets lost in the constant slashing and manipulation. You’re so dear I just have to cause this, perhaps to reaffirm, but try to hold on. Quite paradoxical. Try to hold on. Spin in it circles and use whatever magnifying glass you have, but, seriously, it’ll never totally get figured out. It’s nothing but the way it is, just like you and me. It is often the one that wanders. It doesn’t take no for an answer, not really, and doesn’t like to get pushed around. It’ll tell you to go elsewhere, and many will listen. It, with all it’s its, is just one big it, really. Possibly even more than the sum of its parts, partly because we can never truly see every part. But this particular layer is both a glue and a propellant, so be careful, even if you can’t. You can’t change it, anyway, so accepting it is reasonable, though reason is out to lunch when you deal with it, along with accountability and God knows what else. Closure comes here, I suppose. Everything needs proper closure, but that belongs elsewhere…
Mood:Tired.
Music: I turn to you: Christina Aguilera.
Entry:
I got hit by a car yesterday. And guess which car! The car that dropped me off to school. None-intentionaly of course. When I jumped off the car in school, I walked behind it and it somehow had to move backwards. I didn't fall or anything, it wasn't really hard. But my arm kinda hurts. xD I'm okay, though.
I have this "thing" today and I don't feel like going to the club today. I'm gonna call "R" and tell him not to wait for me. =\ I want to go and don't want to go at the same time. Ah well. He'll understand, I hope.
20/09/01
Tired Bored Feelin a bit destructiv what shuld I do now? Arghhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
====================
20-9-01: Mourning
====================
My Boss' Mum died on Saturday. He's been in tears at work. It's so difficult to try to console someone when they're in a state like that. It's even more challenging when you're working with death. His 'Mam' suffered for years with Cancer, and now she's finally at rest. He's closing the shop on Monday and giving us all a day off in respect of his Mother's life. Mind you, all that seems insignificant compared to the tragedy last Tuesday...
I'm having a nice time here at EoFF as usual. The threads people come up with never cease to amaze me, and Proto's new 'Best Screen Name' awards look quite interesting. I wonder who will win this year...? My betting is on Kawaii. His name is fantastic.
Well, back to work again tomorrow. I think I'm finally settling in. I've learned most of the 'stuff' I have to learn, and I'm getting on fine. I have a day off next Friday...which I intend to spend here at EoFF.
I'm picking up some Knightmare tapes up from a friend next Saturday. I'm so excited. I'll be able to watch those tapes and relive my childhood. xD
Until next time...
9/22/01 12:48AM
I'd rather not discuss the school day or anything tonight. I'm in too good of a mood.
Eden and I chatted tonight, and it was freakin' fun. We started out with a usual chat, and ended up both of us drawing abstract pics of eachother and remaking our images after them XD. Good times.
September 22nd, 2001 5.03pm
Finally in California! But it feels so strange. The time differences are kind of annoying when I come online. I know that back at home (New Zealand) the times that people come online are like night time but here in America it's 5 hours ahead. Oh well, I'm enjoying myself here. Still a bit jet lagged though.
This is for yesterday. Wow this is my first time posting a diary entry!
Saturday, 11 September.
The fairs on nearby, so me and my friends all went down there today. Man, the carnival had like 3 floats (the town I live in is so small!) and all of them were crap. There were a load of townies hanging around the dodgems, so to avoid their stupid ness and silly name calling! (not so much now, with my martial arts!) so we skipped them (their crap anyways).
I won a plastic sword on the hook a duck, a massive prize if you lose. Yeah, right. You never lose. So I got a sword. It’s pretty cool actually, looks like Sephiroth's (but about 10 times smaller!). One of my mates got one too, and we walked behind the guides float, pretending to be part of the carnival! (how sad, I know). When it ended, we went down the brook (a river) and just hung around, having sword fights, yadda yadda. It’s near a farm, and a chicken escaped. One of my friends threw something at it, and it fell in. Sophie told me that they couldn’t swim, so I went in after it (I now have a cold). Then the bastard got out itself!
Then, we went into the woods, okay about 20 trees, and I climbed up one with Ro. She’s way bigger than me, so when she dropped down and grabbed onto a branch, I thought that I could make it. Oh no, being the titch that I am, I fell out of the tree, and my arm got hooked round the branch that I missed. Then I fell from there. My friends had to carry me home, I hurt my foot and was in immense pain.
Now, I have a busted ankle (sprained), a bruised arm, and various scratches and bruises from where I landed (in a stupid bush!)
I still have my sword though, but it doesn't have any materia slots. Oh well.
Sunday, 23rd September
.................tomorrow I find out what part I got in Little Shop of Horrors. I got a re-call for my audition, so I think that I did pretty good! My ankle is in pain! My parents are out again, so its just me and the siblings. My sister is being nice for once, cos of my ankle. I’m listening to my daft punk CD. Wow, I have just noticed I have a scratch in the same place as Squalls! Wow, a sword like Sephy's as well, who’s been lucky!? Okay, the ankle is in alot of pain, so what? Damm, it hurts. I’m going down the doctors later.
Later
Aurora
Monday, September 24, 2001 - 2:51 PM CST
Yeah.
That about sums up my attitude yesterday and today. I'm really cranky, for a lot of reasons, ranging from lack of sleep to the constant barrage of random IMs I seem to get as of late.
If you're talking to me, and I snap at you, or get more sarcastic than usual... it's likely nothing personal, just my rotten mental state.
Let's see. Nothing really notable to put here. I had an okay weekend until I became cranky. It rained, which r0x0red. Today I have basically a slack day, only three classes, although I do have a meeting later (one I have to run, no less...joy, oh joy).
I'll write more if my life magically becomes interesting.
~Becky
9/24/01 9:16 PM
I'm feeling really crummy right now. School is absolutely horrible. The problem isn't bad grades, or that the teachers hate me, or anything like that. I'm not having a problem with grades, and the teachers seem to like me. It's just school, in general. Every night before I go to bed, I hope that I don't wake up and see the time 6:30 AM. I hope for fog, or some sickness. I'd rather have a shattered limb or be puking up my internal organs than go to school. I get picked on while on the bus. They make all kinds of stupid jokes about me. I act like I'm not paying attention and stare out the window, but it doesn't work. I feel like I'm going to punch one of them, or throw a football at their frickin' head at recess. My friends also seem to add to the problem. They're not even trying, either. You see, 4 square is a popular game at recess. I dispise it, I loath it, I abhore it, I really, really don't like it, if you catch my drift. But two of my friends are addicted to it, where I hang out with a group with 5 people, including me. The two people that like it go to play it, then one other follows along, then the other, and I'm left all alone. I don't like being by myself because I don't want people coming up and saying "Oh, hey Stu, do you want to come do something?". Ugh, I hate when that happens. So I tag along, get in line, and put up with it. Of course, it wouldn't be a four square game at the Jr. High without preps and eight graders taking over the grid with pathetic rules. All my friends end up complaining by the end of recess, yet every day, they go back and play, and I go through the same cycle. They seem so naive. They come to me, complaining "Man, I hate those preps and eighth graders...they think they're better than us", yet every day after lunch, they come back out and do the same thing.
Then comes the classes. Some of them are okay, but most of the time they suck. The advanced teachers have way too high of expectations of us, and it always stresses me out a lot. And gym...don't even get me started. It's a combination of eighth graders and seventh. Ugh.
I have an early dismissal on Wednsday, which is good...I guess. It's only about an hour early out of school, and only shortens my last two classes.
I'm seriously counting down the weeks until I get out. 31, right now. In the legendary words of Snizz: "I disapprove."
i was flipping through some book and i caught sight of a number of latin phrases as follows:
Taedium vitae - weariness of life
Semper idem - always the same
Sicut Ante - as before
Ex nihilo, nihil fit - out of nothing, nothing comes
Sic transit gloria mundi - thus passes away the glory of the world.
that is all. i don't know why.
9-26-01 11:50 AM
I submitted my first fanfiction to fanfiction.net last night, and I'm still waiting for it to be uploaded. Man, I hope it gets good reviews...
Heh... ^_^ I haven't posted in such a while.
Maybe I should consider retiring. O_O; I come here about... 1 time a week.
I have reasons, I've been so busy. Though I thoroughly enjoy being busy. School, homework, breakfast club, Hockey Pool, SAC, tutouring, Work, getting misc. things like scrubs etc., cleaning and maintaing house as well as cooking since I'm usually home alone now, feeding and cleaning up for the cats, making time for IRL friends.. I'm, sure there are little things that I'm missing.
I have my school swim team practices that'll be coming up in about 2 weeks as well as my school's tennis team.
I promised to help a friend, Scott, out for some of the events he's running, I told some other friends I'd help them in math, sometimes I need to study, oh! Occassionally I actually sleep.
Other than that I have 2 new events I'm getting involved in. Though they're pretty far away. One's "Locks of love." I'll be getting about 4 inches of my hair cut along with a wack of other students. The hair goes to make wigs for cancer patients.
The other is "Feed the Kids." I decided I wanted to do that instead of go on the school trip. It's about 800$, but it's a better cause. I'll be going to Jamaca, in Summer, for about 2 weeks and help children schools, cleaning up parks and getting involved with the chidlren to help them with issues... Kinda like an overseas Big Sistar/Brother deal.
I'm really into music and reading a lot now too. I caught myself reading till 4 am just last night. ~_~
Currently my favorite song is :
"It's Been A While" - Staind [Thanks Miles]
That's a song by Staind, Ashley.
Anyway...I rarely post here other than to complain, so here I go again.
Today wasn't inherently bad...classes were fine, the only assignments I got back I got perfect on (menial busywork, but meh. The fact that I did anything at all is surprising), but it wasn't a big problem. After school my best friend said he had to talk to me, and that he was having problems. Of course, I asked him to tell me what the problem was, etc. Usual procedure, really, only I had to be home at a reasonable time to make dinner for my Mom. Anyway, he basically wouldn't answer any of my questions, or say anything more than vague, all-encompassing statements like "everything was going great, but now it's all going to hell". An hour or so passed, so I said that if he didn't start actually talking, I had to go home. He said he was sorry he brought it up in the first place, and, like I said, I went home, didn't even look back at him. And it was fine for a while, I went home, made dinner, talked on the phone for 5 hours or so, and even watched half an hour of TV...then I went on the computer, and suddenly I feel quite awful. I let down my best friend. I shouldn't have let my temper get in the way. Then I read my email...Someone who I was quite close to who emailed me saying she missed talking to me almost two weeks ago emailed me again, because I stupidly never got around to replying and telling her I was still around. Don't get me wrong, she's just a friend of mine, but I still let her down by not being there to talk to. Then I came to EoFF and found I'd missed Kim by roughly an hour (and I could have not talked on the phone and been online instead. That's the kicker, eh?). Great. So, I was supposed to go for a walk tonight with another friend of mine, who I spoke on the phone with for roughly 5 hours earlier tonight, because we haven't in a while. But no! His mom, who dislikes me in the way that a father would dislike the guy his daughter is dating, says that he isn't allowed to be out after 1 at all anymore. And it's my fault he was in the situation at all. So, I can't see my friends, I can't really call people safely at 12:. AM, and I don't feel much like ICQ. I also have to be at school by 8:30 tomorrow for something I shouldn't have even agreed to, so my next closest friend after the two mentioned above can rely on me and likely be let down due to my lack of sleep and/or experience. Great. Actually, I don't think I'll be TOO bad tomorrow, I'm pretty good at public speaky stuff, but I'm still not looking forward to it. Anyway, so my "score" for tonight is 2 friends abandoned, one lover barely missed, and one friend curfewed...All of this my doing, too. Basically, I've hurt the 3 people closest to me (family notwithstanding), plus another who relies on me. Aren't I useful. *rolls eyes*
I feel like taking a walk myself, but I lack adequate music for the mood. Oh well. I suppose I'll just be miserable for a couple hours then go to bed. *shrugs* With any luck tomorrow'll be more than a bit better.
EDIT: (I warned you I'd be miserable for a couple hours :p) You know, it’s funny. Sometimes I really feel like I’m me, and I care about people and people care about me and I’m a part of lives and a part of the human race, and some nights and days I just feel like this completely separate entity, basically. I used to practice “zoning”, now I think I’ve gotten to doing it too automatically.
Sometimes it feels like there isn’t anything that’s really “me”. My brother said this Thursday night, and I think I can quote it exactly: “I’m becoming like Dad. We’re really alike, in mannerisms and how we’re both social. You’re not becoming anyone, really. You’re just some strange independent entity.” …And, considering a couple talks I’ve had with him recently, I know what he means…
And while I’m feeling sorry for myself here, I miss my family. I don’t really have any anymore…My Mom isn’t a bad person, but she just isn’t my mother anymore, and she’s extremely unlikable right now. I can only take so much being told I’m useless and unlovable before I just don’t listen to her anymore. She’s really just become someone who’s with me until I move out, and that makes me sad, because I miss the real her. I don’t really have contact with anyone else more than a few minutes a week…I miss my brother most. I do resent his leaving me to take care of mom a little, but I know that that experience really helped me, so I don’t mind it that much. I just miss having a brother. Back in December, after he moved out, we spoke really as who we always were for what’ll probably be the last time. Though…last week we got back together a bit…He was just with me and I needed to talk to him again. I just…didn’t do it the right way. I pried into his life and told him what to do (or what not to do) and made him cry. I shouldn’t do that to a member of my family. I still don’t know what I should have done though…We’ve kinda accepted we won’t be the same again, and it’s saddening.
I’m really not sure what makes me who I am. Usually I actually enjoy this, because I can still be whatever I want, but right now I wish I had some sort of fallback. No one in my family really needs me, other than JJ, and he would cope, so nights like this, when I’m not here for the people who matter to me, and to whom I matter, what am I, really? Existentialist bulltrout aside, I can’t think of much. *sigh*
Oh well…I’ll be better in the morning, anyway. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t be, so I could dedicate more time to figuring out how to be, but I guess that would be too easy. I’m just about feeling whined out and pretty soon I’ll be optimistic again, so I’ll stop this now. Yay for everything.
Blah...*expresses his dislike for people acting this way*
~~Silverlocke
Well, this is the first time I made a "public" diary entry before, but here goes. Yesterday (Sept. 28) was my b-day, and yet, I feel weird. Last week, I took my mother's advice and told a few people what's been bothering me, I mean these things happened years ago, but they still come back to haunt me. I talked with her about an incedent that happened about three years ago, we got into an arguement, she tried to over-power me and trow me into the closet, I just pushed back enough to keep her from doing so. When I finished, she said "I don't even remember that, if it did happen then I just dropped it a long time ago." That kinda made me feel a little better. Then I confronted my sister about something that happened about five years ago. We were playing "soccor" in our house and I had my shoes on, and she didn't. Well, the only thing I remember (which is too much, anyway) is that I kicked her foot when we both went for the couch cushon. Needless to say, I sprained her ankle, and I felt so bad about it, that a week later, Holloween, I was planning on dressing up and passing candy, but in stead I went out and RAN from house to house, trying to make up for it, needless to say, I have, but I still felt guilty about it, so I confronted her about it, and she said that she forgave me a long time ago. But Istill feel guilty about it. Another thing that's bothering me, is that, instead of visiting my family, I went to my friend's house (I consider them to be my "sudo-sarrogate-parents") and got home at midnight just to get a message from my mother, who really wanted to see me, but of corse, I let her down on that. oh well, I know everyone tries to help, but the only thing that gets me up in the morning is the fact that I KNOW that I'm going to do something stupid or something I might regret later. Well I think that's long enough, if anyone doesn't like me posting here, just let me know, I'll delete this. Thanks for having this open, though.
September 29, 2001 10:07 PM
The past couple of days have been interesting. Wednsday was an early dismissal, and I recieved my birthday present from my parents a week early. It was a Fender bass kit, with amp and all that good stuff. It's ace. I got some picks, since that's how I want to play it. It's pretty spiffy. I've been playing it every night, reading tableture and making up my own stuff.
Last night I stayed the night at a friend's house. It was meh. We rented Joe Dirt and Little Nicky on DVD, and only watched Joe Dirt last night, which he fell asleep during. I got on PSO later that night by myself (since he fell asleep..again) and went through the Forest level and beat the dragon. It was meh, since I haven't played PSO since the last time I was at his house last year, and I forgot most of the stuff. The worst part was his little sister. She's like...three or something. When she said things, I was being my usual sarcastic self, but she doesn't have a sense of it. And she was so annoying. She wanted to be there when we did everything. She just had to be there during the movies, too. The movies had some dirty parts, but no, she had to watch them. I wanted to hit her.
Today was my birthday party. My sis picked my friend and I up at his house, and we came back home around 12:00 PM. Around 2:00, the rest of the people came home. The party was hectic at some points. My friends all have different interests, so I had to work hard to make sure they stayed occupied. So, while I was playing a game of Magic with three people, I had to help someone out when they were playing on the computer, help another when they were playing N64, and the other by just supplying them with something to do. Eventually I just decided to pop in Scary Movie. The only people that had seen it was me and one friend, so we stayed in the computer room and messed around. It was fun. It sucked when the movie ended, though, because everyone had to come and join in. It seems like anymore I can only handle one or two people at a time at parties. And usually the one or two people are the more mellow ones, like my 9th grade friend, the one I was in the computer room with, and another one who is just laid back. Meh.
Tonight I'm kinda tired. I might only stay up until around 11:00 or something. Plus, my internet's being an arse and going really slowly.
RUMINATIONS OF THE DAY:
1) That teddy bear looks quite wise and concerned.
2) I think I should get a full body tattoo of myself, only taller.
~~Silverlocke
September 30, 2001.
I had an amazing night yesterday. I won't give details but here's the blurb:
1) Found out my friend finally got hooked up with another friend. =p I've been meddling for a while to get them too. They didn't listen to me till recently.
2) Worked : began half-hour early, finished 3 and a half-hours later. That was fine though, the best people were working -
Kate= Co-Window worker.(We had so much fun! We were like bumping eachother around and joking in dirty ways with the kitchen guys. =p A grade 9 asked for her number at one point, and I looked at him and I said "Excuse me, I don't quite appreciate you picking up my girlfriend.")
Marie-Ann= Drive through.(She's just generally really nice, hyper and works so hard I almost did nothing. She taught me some stuff on DT too.)
Andrew= Manager ( He gave us like so much free food! He's really the bset, he put the radio on blast while we closed and is just generally awesome. He jokes about too, he threw me in the frezer and locked me in. XD ) Tyler= Kitchen (One of the guys we joked with. Wrote messages on the Big Mac boxes again... my goodness, it's so funny. We also had a sanitizer fight, spraying eachother. I got some in my mouth, and he looked like he peed himself when we were done.)
Mike= Kitchen Asst. Manager (He's nice, tall and kinda quiet... until the jokes rolled in. He's SO dirty. XD He kept asking obscene things between Kate and I. I will not repeat, though mind you it was funny.)
Bret= Kitchen Closing (My favorite guy there! He rules completey. He sometimes gives me drives from work. He's such a horn dog though. =p Kate and I spent like 25% of our time back their playing about with him. He's the most perverted guy I know. He'll say things seriously too, but will always be joking. He was also the guy who through the pickle at my head.)
Will= Lobby (He's weird, but also perverted, only in a more serious manner. @.@ I spent time avoiding him and his little questions. He's real nice, a little too huggy, but nice. )
3) Kate and I got off at like 12 am.
4) We walked over to Shoppers' Drugmart and back, played a bit more with Bret.
5) Stayed till 1 am. Kate smokes, so we were outside for a while, and she's such a flirt too. She was whistling at guys who drove by in the drive through. One actually stopped.
6) The guys that stopped offered us a ride home. Kate said yes. I was going to kill her. ~_~ Thank God I bitched so much saying "They won't take us home, you know that? They're going to drive us to the woods and do evil things.. Kate......" Anyways they drive away waiting for us. XD Go me and my complaining.
7) Kate tried getting Bret to drive us, he would have but he wasn't off till 4 am. So Wyll was going to drive us at 2 am.
8) Coincadence, a pair of friends of Kate went through DT and she scored a ride with them.
9) We went to Kate's no one was home, so she called over 13 friends in total. I thought I'd feel out of place because they're pretty different from me. They all smoke, and make out and talk seriously about sex as if it were like breathing air... But It was actually fun. I hung out with them all, and although I went on the patio because of all the smoke, I had some people join me. The guys are all nice and sweet talkers. =p The girls gossip a lot... but it was really fun because it was all joking and being hyper.
10) I slept over at Kate's. We were watching "Super Mario Brothers" the movie. I fell asleep half way through. I woke up thoughat like 11 today. Our friend Chris from work, and Bret came over. I felt so bad because I was in a pair of borrowed pjs and I really looked awefull. We had coffee with them and then Bret drove me to my house at 11:45. I got all cleaned up, went back out to Kate's we all just hung-out and then Bret and Chris took me home at 1.
I had an awesome time! XD Deffinately want to do it again.
Hmm. Dandiness.
This day was kinda all around the place for me. For once, though, I've been so relaxed, that the low points didn't even phase me, and the highs were just plain great.
Bad stuff:
I found out my neighbour, in the past few months (I don't know her, but my parents do), came home to find her husband and kids had gone. Her husband had taken her kids to ANOTHER COUNTRY. God, that's awful. I still can't understand what it would be like to go home to find your life has disappeared. She's moving out now...
My stepmum has an infected blood vessel or something. Scary stuff. She was rushed to hospital, and won't be back for around 2 or 3 days.
I'm a bit confused about one of my friends. He was being really weird, and he wouldn't talk to me when I asked him stuff. Scarey, almost. I can only guess at what it's about... but... grr, if that is what it's about, he's not helping anyone, not even himself. *sigh* I hate it when I'm confused about my friends thoughts of me.
Good stuff:
I rang Ashley, and she is just plain awesome. Of all the people I've rung in AmeriCanadia, she's the only one who actually talked about something. Which, by the way, is not bad or good. It's different. I loved it. That's gotta be one of the nicest calls I've had in a while. I just can't wait to ring my 'sister' now. Too bad she never has her phone on *grumbles*...
I'm just plain relaxed about everything, and it's wonderful. Emma and I are settling into friendship, which is awesome. I still wonder if I'll ever meet her, coz, well, it seems I'm an awfully scarey person to meet, or something >_< ah well. There's always hope :)
Yeah... otherwise, my day has been pretty cruisy. Those five things just kinda highlighted it, that's all. Oh, I got to talk to Jooz, too :) That was nice. Almost a relief? I dunno. Just... nice to catch up, coz I miss her every now and then.
Starting new thread. :P
*closes*