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Amazon.com now sells groceries. Most popular of their items is the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz, which is under the category Gourmet Food. Enjoy the user reviews, several of which have helped us over at #fat_chocobo make informed buying decisions about how to stock our food supplies.

"One of the insurmountable obstacles in my life has been how to get a gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk from Gristedes back to my apartment without finishing it first. Up until now it was necessary to buy a second gallon. Amazon has changed all that. Now I can get my Tuscan Whole Milk at my apartment in a sealed cardboard box that will protect it at least as far as the elevator. From that point the "No Milk Guzzling" sign in the elevator holds me back. In the short walk to my apartment door I may down a pint or two but for the most part the gallon stays intact. This has changed my life immeasurably for the better."

This is pathetic.

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First tag: ytmnd (Bryan Hartka "SPACE ROBOT" on Jul 21, 2006)
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Oh, you guys have caught on now? I've known about this for a week. :p Seriously though, it's hi-larious stuff.

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Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the smurf he wants.

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This is now incorrect. I propose it is changed to this:

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Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz can kill 100 percent of whatever the smurf it wants.

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Originally Posted by I'm my own MILF

Oh, you guys have caught on now? I've known about this for a week. :p Seriously though, it's hi-larious stuff.

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Yeah. I went onto Amazon and I saw how they now sell groceries and I became roflstiltzkin. xD I'm sure the people who comment on the food are all very special.

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Originally Posted by Rye

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Originally Posted by I'm my own MILF

Oh, you guys have caught on now? I've known about this for a week. :p Seriously though, it's hi-larious stuff.

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Yeah. I went onto Amazon and I saw how they now sell groceries and I became roflstiltzkin. xD Now people don't even go to the market to buy groceries. ;__;

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Roflstiltzkin? That... is fantastic.

And hooray for the demise of markets! Internet shopping > meatspace shopping.

My wife loves these more than I do and tends to play with the firm hard and perfectly ripe bananas which she says gives her great pleasure when I am gone. I am not sure what she means, but based on the look of the peel, I have a feeling she's not just using them for nourishment.

You can buy food from amazon!?

Yes, but I really don't recommend it. :P

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Originally Posted by Neel Hates Clout's Guts

My wife loves these more than I do and tends to play with the firm hard and perfectly ripe bananas which she says gives her great pleasure when I am gone. I am not sure what she means, but based on the look of the peel, I have a feeling she's not just using them for nourishment.

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Did you ever know that you're my hero? :heart: I really need to comment on there and tell Amazon my appreciate for bananas, the fruit I like.

I laugh at amazon for this, but I have to admit, it looks better than the stuff at that new resturant down the street, Cankered Barrel.

heh heh

Note: Gift-wrapping is not available for this item.

Am I weird for being upset that no one has commented on any Rye products yet? I wanted to see people say that Rye was tasty and amazing. ;__;

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Originally Posted by Neel Hates Clout's Guts

My wife loves these more than I do and tends to play with the firm hard and perfectly ripe bananas which she says gives her great pleasure when I am gone. I am not sure what she means, but based on the look of the peel, I have a feeling she's not just using them for nourishment.

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....

XD

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Originally Posted by I'm my own MILF

Roflstiltzkin? That... is fantastic.

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Of course it is, she stole it from me. :spin:

I, of course, stole it from someone else too, but that's beside the point.

The milk is consuming my life. I'm 33% done with the 371 reviews.

I'm sad people were dissatisfied with the California Green Seedless Grapes.

I can't believe there were no reviews on August 2, 2006. And it's been online since September 2004? Mans.

Count of Zinder likes his swollen ovaries. 5/5 for the Californian Jumbo Cantaloupes.

"Ever have one of those days where you come home and there's nothing good on tv so you just sit there wish there was something to do? Then Milk is for you! Not only can you drink milk, you can do awesome things with it. Did you know that if you get a regular old pie pan, fill it with milk, put drops of food coloring on the edges of the milk, and put a dot of soap in the middle, itll go CRAZY! TIE DIE EXPLOSION!! Milk does it all! Cheese comes from milk! Is cheese boring?? NO SIR! Milk can also be used in other fun home experiments as well, some of which you can come up with yourself. For example: I wondered if I gave my little cousin a gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk if he would somehow figure out how to pour it on his sister. Indeed he did. SCIENCE!"

El Oh El. :p

Of course, apparel.

Amazon has stepped into a whole new level of desperation.

Prunes?! Where the hell are my goddamn amazing, large, lucious strawberries????? They'd better be from California!!!

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Originally Posted by Rye

Where the hell are my goddamn amazing, large, lucious strawberries????? They'd better be from California!!!

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"I ordered these what seemed to be amazing, lucious, large california strawberries and to my surprise what I received were prunes!!! Now how could someone mistake strawberries for prunes?????? Oddly enough from what I could tell these prunes might have one day been strawberries, had they tried hard enough to overcome their wrinkled nature. Some prunes were large and some small but overall quite consistant. And where the hell are my damned strawberries???? When will they arrive??? I am in desperate need of my strawberry fix.....and they'd better be from California!!!" - CMK from Kunkletown, PA

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Originally Posted by Neel Hates Clout's Guts

My wife loves these more than I do and tends to play with the firm hard and perfectly ripe bananas which she says gives her great pleasure when I am gone. I am not sure what she means, but based on the look of the peel, I have a feeling she's not just using them for nourishment.

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<3
Really. That is awesome.

I just read all 375 milk reviews. I am now going to drink myself to death.

This man is the most special person ever. Behold, the Avacado Essay:

I found myself with a little spare time and decided to write an Amazon review. Ah, but what to apply my computer keyboard to? Certainly it needed to be important; something with social relevance, and worthy of my time. Plato's 'REPUBLIC'? Nah, too old. 'THE ANTI-FEDERALIST PAPERS AND THE CONSTITUTIONAL CONVENTION DEBATES'? Too stuffy. G. Edward Griffin's, 'THE CREATURE FROM JEKYLL ISLAND: A SECOND LOOK AT THE FEDERAL RESERVE'? Too depressing. 'THE VARIETIES OF RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE' by William James? Nah, too remote for "Six-Pack" Sam and "Max Factor" Mary.

And then, just as I was salting my avocado, I hit upon the porridge that was "just right." Why, avocado of course! The answer was right there under my nose all along. "Why not share with your Amazon pals 'The Southern California Experience'?" I asked myself. "There is nothing in which you have more expertise." And when I failed to find an adequate reBUTTal, I planted mine on the chair and clicked the "Write A Review" button.

Say the name "California" and immediately "nuts" and "fruits" come to mind. Afterall, California produces 40% of America's produce. And yet, one rarely thinks specifically of that most delectable California fruit : the avocado.

The old joke is that "when California sneezes, the rest of the country catches a cold." But when we're talking avocados, it's no joking matter to me; this is SERIOUS business! I fear, however, that some may not approach this matter with sufficient solemnity. And granted, my attitude in the past may be partially responsible.

In the 2005, April 25 issue of Time magazine - that paragon of nonpartisan journalism published by the C.F.R. corporate sponsor, AOL Time Warner, Inc. - the cover story featured Ann Coulter. She revealed in the interview that when her editor suggests cutting a line from a column to save space, she asks him, "But is it funny?" And if he says it is, she'll cut an actual fact instead. Now, in some respects, Ann Coulter and I are quite dissimilar. For instance, she is more liberal and politically diplomatic than I am, while being physically less attractive and less muscular. However, we both appear to be slaves to our own sense of humor. Perhaps I occasionally say or write something I ought not, but if it strikes me as funny, I out with it anyway. And I feel that because of my brand of humor, I am often misunderstood by those who march to a drummer who keeps a steady, though unadventurous 4/4 beat. You see, the "drummer" in my head - when he's not trying to sell me some trinket I don't need - keeps a rather quirky, irregular time. But if you'll take me seriously for once, I'll take you on a no-expenses-paid vacation to Southern California. Having been born and "razed" there, I'm the best tour guide you'll find.....(at this price!)

Here's what you'll need : 1) One copy of Bruce Brown's seminal surfing flick, 'THE ENDLESS SUMMER' (1966). 2) One copy of any Beach Boys album, but preferably the anthology, 'ENDLESS SUMMER.' You can substitute 'MORRISON HOTEL' or 'L.A. WOMAN' by The Doors if you require a slightly harder edge, but I recommend you go the traditional route. 3) One bottle of California's BEAULIEU VINEYARD "Rutherford", Cabernet Sauvignon. You can substitute SIERRA NEVADA Pale Ale, brewed in Chico, California, which my Brother, a self-professed "beer snob" swears is best, if you prefer to quaff liquid cereal than alcohol. 4) Two slices of WHITE TOAST. 5) Two pats of butter. 6) One CALIFORNIA HAAS AVOCADO, as pictured here. It must be HAAS; identifiable by its very bumpy, thick, almost leather-like skin. 7) One shaker of salt (which one should keep handy anyway whilst reading Stephen T. McCarthy).

Here's what you do : 1) Put on the surfing movie and turn the sound DOWN. 2) Put on the Beach Boys music and turn the sound UP. 3) Occasionally sip your liquid California grapes or liquid California cereal, while you.....

* Spread the butter on the toast while it's hot, so the butter melts.

* With a round-tipped dinner knife (a pointed steak knife will only "butcher" the project) cut into the ripe (!) avocado at its tapered end, and cut around the fruit to create two equal halves. Pull them apart.

* Carefully cut around the inner seed and gently pry it out of the avocado's center.

* Now insert the knife carefully and deeply just between the flesh and the avocado's shell and gently saw through the flesh while slowly rotating the fruit around. Make two revolutions to be thorough, and then use the knife to pry the inside flesh out of the outer shell and onto a piece of toast. If you did it properly, you should have the flesh of half of an avocado in one piece, sitting on the toast.

* Now slice the avocado up into multiple segments and mush it together slightly until the top of the toast is entirely covered.

*Finally, salt the top VERY generously, and eat.

*Repeat the process for the second piece of toast.

You are now as close to being a genuine, dyed-in-the-wool, Old School Californian as any outsider can ever hope to be.

This delicacy which you have just enjoyed is a McCARTHY FAMILY TRADITION, which I grew up savoring. I got it from my Pa; who got it from his Pa; who got it from who knows where?
A) I have yet to meet anyone outside of the McCarthy Family who had eaten avocado in THIS manner.
B) I have yet to meet anyone who didn't imagine it to be disgustingly unappetizing when described.
C) I have yet to meet anyone who hasn't loved it after finally giving it a try.

I freely admit that I'd find ideologically abhorrent the ordering of California avocados from New York. And the current $2.99 price tag would only add injury to insult. That's like getting "Californicated" by a New Yorker! Back when I was growing up in Los Angeles, we often pulled 'em right off the trees which were growing EVERYWHERE. Got 'em free from God! But if your only choices are : California avocados from New York at $2.99 apiece, or no avocados from anywhere at any price.....get "Californicated."

If I was scheduled to be executed (and someday I probably will be), this would be my "last supper" request. And hopefully they'd have to order the avocados from New York while I'm imprisoned in some Scandinavian country. (More time to make good my escape, ya understand.)

In closing, I'll suggest the same thing to you that the four-time national surfing champion, Yoey O'Dogherty, once suggested to me in 1977 while we were "hanging ten" on a nine foot wave in sunny, Malibu, California : "Dude, like let's go get some avocados, man!"

- STEPHEN T. McCARTHY

That is amazing.

99 more reviews to read? My life is over.

When did you have a life to start with?

My life started with banging your mom eight different ways.
Incidentally, that's when your life started too.

You're very special for posting that, Neel. :)

YOU'RE very special for your obsession with informing people that they are very special.

Hey guys, I wrote a review for the banannas on there.

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Originally Posted by nik

A ripe bananna is like renewed faith. It's part of the reason that I became born again. The bananna is the fruit that I like because it has opened my eyes to a whole new world of beauty - Creationism. This fruit is a testament to the Lords creative genius. It is perfectly designed for use and consumption by the human being, and it has been an integral part of our diets since the Earth was first created over 5,000 years ago.

Let us take a good, hard look at the intelligent design of the Bananna. The bananna was meant to be eaten. That's why it exists. There is nothing that a bananna wants more than to be gobbled down by a hungry believer. Evidence of this fact lies in the construction of the bananna itself. For example, take a large, ripe bananna. Notice how it is encased in a hard, rubbery substance to protect itself from harm. The bananna wouldn't want to bruise because then the children of God would have less desire to eat him. Also take note of how the rubbery substance acts as an indicator of the condition of the fruit inside. Green: too early: Yellow: just right, and Black: too late.
A more subtle testament to creation is the way that the bananna is shaped. Notice how, due to curvature, the bananna fits neatly into the human hand. On the far side of the bananna there are three ridges, and on the close side there are two ridges. If you get your hand ready to grip a bananna you will find that on the far side there are three groves and on the close side two groves. This 'locks' the bananna in place. A perfect accompaniment to the human hand.
Finally you will notice that there is a 'tab' at the top of the bananna (It works the same way that a soda can would!). With this tab you can peel the soft shell of the bananna off, and the contents won't squirt in your face. now the fruit, soft and naked, is exposed.(Notice how it was Adam and Eve who sinned, and nothing else. Things like fruit did not sin and that is why they remain 'naked')
Now that the fruit is exposed and ready to be eaten you will notice that the fruit glides gently into the human mouth, just like the Holy Spirit glides gently into the souls of those who accept Him. Because of the way the bananna curves there is a lock-and-key fit between the fruit and the lips of a saved Christian. As a bonus, the fruit itself is very sweet, which provides Gods children with an extra incentive to indulge in it.

Realize also that the good lord does not create anything with one single purpose. Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins and God wants all of us to make the absolute most out of everything He has created. Because of this, the Lord or God has given the bananna an Alternative use. The bananna can, as you may have already guessed, be used as a disciplinary tool on ones children. God commands that every parent beat his child senseless. (So that they may one day become sensible Christians) This I know, for the Bible tells me so. Allow me to quote scripture: "Spare the rod, spoil the child". With this in mind, one can logically conclude that God created the bananna for both physical and spiritual nourishment. Again, the way that the bananna curves comes into play. It is perfectly built for clubbing your disobedient son or daughter and steering them back onto the path of riteousness. Simply strip them naked and begin hammering their behind with the fruit for at least fifteen minutes with no breaks in between.

Alot of todays parents have turned away from Gods word and have instead opted to treat their children in a loving or caring manner. Don't be fooled by modern pseudo-intellectual psychology. It is the work of Satan and all children who receive this kind of treatment are hell-bound. Do not spare your child this fruity discipline, for if you do I am afraid that your child has a 100% chance of becoming a homosexual demon. Now I ask you, what is better? To tender their hearts with love, or to tender their bottoms with banannas? We'll let God decide.
(Also, do not forget to eat the bananna after you have finished beating your child. Only a glutton would be so wasteful)

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Nik0, that offer for the sex of your life still stands.

Well, it would if it was offered. Don't get too excited, it is just a metephwhore.

Bippe :D

That's stupid. Why waste your time and be lazy sitting in front of a PC waiting for your milk when you could be taking a nice slow walk and grab it yourself. It'd probably bespoiled by the time the package comes.

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Originally Posted by Neel Hates Clout's Guts

My life started with banging your mom eight different ways.
Incidentally, that's when your life started too.

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Weird. You were born 9 monthes premature? And not only that, you, being the sick bastard you are, decided to hit my mom 8 times, while she was pregnate? Sick, sick, bastard.