Family Guy Quotes

I saw the one for the Simpsons, so I though "hey, why not make a family guy quotes thread" and here I am now, making this thread. The thread is quotes from family guy, do entire sketches to one liners, some of them are utter classics. I've seen alot family guy episodes but I forget quotes easy.

Ok, then. Let's go, party on, right on, rock on, rock 'n roll, Roll out, Showtime. Whatever, just make sure you quote the funny quotes. (which there is what FG is mostly made of). Or just discuss Family Guy all together. Just gives this thread all the more life. If you don't like Family Guy, then fine, just don't come here to pick a flame fight. Ok then.

Ready, set, go. Begin.

I like Peter the best out of all the characters. The flashbacks maybe the most criticized part of this series but I like them and find them funny.
Remember when Peter retells the story of when he went to that place for Stewies Birthday Party. I believe the episode was named "chitty chitty death bang". He mutates into the Hulk.:tongue:

Lois:...And your tail...
Meg: What??
Lois: Nothing!

Lois: Does that make me a bad person?
Brian: Yes. Yes it does make you a bad person.

Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't...NOTHING?

There are lots more, but those are all I can think of.

I love family guy !

I just love it !

peter: Whats this word
lois: Evil
peter: And this one
lois: Knievel
peter: And this one
lois: Was
peter: And this one
lois: Born
peter: And this one
lois: In
peter: And this one
lois: Montana
peter: Wow ... did you know evil knievel was born in montana.

Remember The "griffin family history" episode? Moses Griffin, Peter Hitler. ROFL.

"ok, now that we're at the red sea we're gonna have to swim across to the other side"

"I don't want step on shells"
"I got ear problems"
"i ate 20 minutes ago."
"ok, ok, I'll see what i can do." *Moses Griffin does the famous split the red sea sequence.* Classics some of them.

Here are some funny ones :D

Stewie: We're playing house...
Lois: But that kid is all tied up!
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house

Lawyer: Peter, Sarah has decided to press sexual harrasssment charges against you.
Peter: Sarah...Is that the one we video taped taking a dump?

Chris: What do you do at a Young Republicans meeting?
Alyssa: We help those who already have the means to help themselves. Also, we perpetuate the idea that Jesus chose America to destroy non-believers and brown people.
Chris: I don't know why, but I feel safer already.

Stewie: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.

Mayor Adam West: I just bought a Rottweiler, and I need a sign to warn people how dangerous it is.
Home Supply clerk (pointing to "BEWARE OF DOG" sign): Well, we have exactly what you--
Mayor Adam West: Ah, yes, here it is: "ONE WAY." So people will know if they step into my yard, there's only one way out--in a body bag from dog injuries.

Pat Sajak: Alright Peter, you’ve made it to the bonus round. Congratulations!
Peter: Thanks Regis.
Pat Sajak: Okay, the category is actor and show, so we need five consonants and a vowel.
Peter: Uhh, ok… Uhhmmm… Z, four, Q (slight pause), another Q, uhhh… a third Q and the batman symbol.
Pat Sajak: OK no help there, umm… 15 seconds if you want to take a shot at it, talk it out.
Peter: Is it Alex Karras in Webster?
Pat Sajak: (slowly) I don’t believe it.
Peter: Oh my god, I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!!
Pat Sajak: OK you have thirteen hundred dollars, why don’t you go ahead and pick out some prizes from our showcase?
Peter (floating through room of prizes): Okay let's see, uhh… oh boy everything looks nice, uhmm… alright I'll take the ceramic dalmatian for six hundred, and uhh… boy that TV looks nice, uhmm.. uhh.. gimme the one free week of maid service, and uhh… I'll take the hat rack, uhhmm… hey how much for that fat guy in the circle, I don’t see a price tag on that.
Announcer voice: That’s you.
Peter: Oh, oh, embarrassing, uhm.. okay well in that case I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.

AAAHHHHHH !!!!!!! Too much goodness giving me diabetes !

Doctor: "what were you trying to achieve by rollin a toxic waste dump?"
Mayor Adam west: "gain super powers"
I cannot remember the entire sketch but some of them just make my pants explode. Even people like me have a sense of humour. I like The Simpsons and Family Guy but never seem to remember sketches well.

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=12281

Brian: You're a monster.

I can't remember what the whole thing was, though. xD

Brian: Well, my friend here is too young to inpregnate your daughter, and I'm of a different species.

When they needed a ride? Gosh, I haven't seen that show in awhile...:cat:

Quagmire"giadegoo oh right"

Peter:Brian! Theirs a message in my ABC's cereal. It says "ooooooooooooo".
Brian: Peter, those are cheerios.

Remember the episode called "PTV" the one where Peter made his own TV station to spite the FCC. Then he got shut down and his life got censored.

"those guys at the freaking FCC." If only I could remember the exact lines I could contribute something decent to the thread, so I'll let you people fill me head with quotes to try and remember. It can get annoying forgetting gold like this.

meg "lets talk about guys"
Quagmier comes out from behind the couch
Quagmier "this is the boringest girl slumber party"
walks out
a girl from the slumber party lifts up gown
girl "lets compare breasts"

Peter: Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play "I Never." You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on.
(They all drink.)
Joe: I'll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland's wife.
(Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)
Peter: alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom.
(Only Quagmire drinks.)
****About 33 drinks later****
Peter: God lets see what else is there um...I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence.
Quagmire: Oh God.
(Quagmire takes a drink.)
Joe: I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home a choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on!
(Quagmire drinks again.)
Peter: I never did the same thing except with someone from Joann Fabrics.

Peter (narrating his life): "I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. (Lois knocks Peter out.)
I woke several hours later in a daze."

Peter (when he's hungover): This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur
skeltons.)
Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.

Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

(Peter has to come up with a fake name on the spot, so he looks around the room to get inspiration)
Peter Griffin: Uh... my name is...(he sees a pea)
Peter Griffin: Pea...
(he sees a woman crying)
Peter Griffin: ... tear...
(he sees a Griffin fly by)
Peter Griffin: ... Griffin. Peter Griffin

Bonnie: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!

Peter: So uhh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow eh? Bet you're gonna need some strapping men to help you with your boat.
Mr. Pewterschmidt: Are you calling me gay?
Peter: No. No. I just; I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your poopdeck.

Lois: Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh?
Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
Lois: Hehehe...that's me.
Peter: You dirty hustler.
Lois: Hehehehe...
Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute.
Lois: Aha, ok I get it...
Peter: You foul, venereal disease carrying, street walking whore.
Lois: Alright, that's enough!

Who else but Quagmire !
He's Quagmire Quagmire
Giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy Lets have sex :D


Tooo many to remember and not enough time !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*runs screaming through the police station with a pair of scissors in each hand~*

Classics. I'm still laughing and another one hit me.

Businessman: "Peter where do you see yourself in 5 years"
Peter thinking: "don't say doi' your wife.. Don't say doin' your wife." Talks: "doing your..." Looks around and sees a photo. "son?"
Businessman gives him a strange look.

Jesus: Okay, for my next miracle I'm gonna turn this water... into funk!

(After Peter makes a "water-slide" using the stairs and a hosepipe)
Brian: I'm not going to ring the hospital because you won't learn anything if you do.

Stewie:Well i'd love to stay and chat but your a total bitch!

i like this one... it was from the episode where they had to move south and are in the house

Peter: (leaning over looking at tv) Hey look, the animal channel's on (sometin like that, cant remember exactly)... (racoon sitting in tv eating)
:they all crowd around peter:
Racoon: jumps out of tv and onto peter's face (peter grabs racoon trying to pull it off his face while screaming)

Cat in the Hat: Are you sure you don't want me to clean this all up before your parents get home?
Young Peter: Oh, no, no, go. It'll be funny.

This is from the episode where Peter found out that he had black ancestry.

Peter (talking to his ancestor): So, what's heaven like?
Ancestor (don't remember the name): There's a shortage of chairs...... Yyyyeahhhhh.

This is from the episode where they had to move down South I believe.

Boy: They told me that my daddy saw his reflection in the water, and died trying to save himself from drowning.
Chris: That's why my mom doesn't let me near water.
Boy: Well, gotta go.
Chris: (looks in the water) Oh, my God! I'm drowning!

Or something to that accord. That last one's a bit hazy in my memory.

Brian: -slurs his words-
Stewie: "Oh great, you're drunk!"
Brian: "I'm not drunk; I just have a speech impediment."
*vomits
"And a stomach flu"
*falls off of stool
"And-and an inner ear infection."

Family Guy is the shizzle. Seth should stick with it and forget about American Dad.

*Peter and Chris are watching orcas in the ocean.*
Chris: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

"Cant touch me
Cant touch me
Just like the bad guy
From Lethal Weapon Two
I got diplomatic immunity
so Hammer you cant sue
Cant touch me
Cant touch me"

"Well excuse me for being retarded" - Peter

LOL i am quoted out :D

but you guys have carried the torch nicely :lol:

***EDIT***

Stewie runs up to the toilet and points at it
You get a job !

I already did this thread. Oh well.

*While watching cheerleaders change in a locker room*
Stewie: "Oh my! My wee wee has been striken with rigor mortis."

*After walking in to a bathroom find a cheerleader tied up*
Quaqmire: "Dear diary: Jackpot."

Stewie's catch phrase "What the deuce?"

When Peter was in court over his welfare check fraud
Judge: I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison. [gavel strike]
Lois Griffin: OH NO!
Brian Griffin: OH NO!
Chris Griffin: OH NO!
Meg Griffin OH NO!
Kool-Aid Man: [breaks in through Court Room wall] OOOOH YEAAAHHH!...
Everyone: [silence]
Kool-Aid Man: [slowly backs out through the hole he made in the wall]

Peter Griffin: Come on. Let's go. Fox is running one of those new reality shows at 8:00. Fast Animals, Slow Children.
[cuts to TV show]:
[Tiger running, jungle music]:
Fat Kid: C'mon guys, wait up
[Tiger running, jungle music]:
Fat Kid: [lunchbox breaks, sandwich falls out] Dang, now I got honey all over my legs.
[Tiger faster running, faster jungle music]:

at a coffin store]
Peter Griffin: I'll take this one. But I won't pay a cent over $60.
Salesman: Sir, that casket costs $1,000.
Peter: Okay, $70.
Salesman: What?
Peter: $2,000.
Salesman: That's twice the cost!
Peter: $40.
Salesman: What?
Brian Griffin: He doesn't know how to haggle

Ronald Reagan: Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! [talking to the brick wall of a McDonald's ] Tear it down! Reagan smash! [Reagan starts punching the wall]
One Employee: What is that?
Another Employee: Oh, that's just Reagan. Don't worry about it, he tires himself out.
Ronald Reagan: Reagan sleepy. [Reagan gets on the ground to fall asleep]

From the movie :D

Al Harrington: Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men ... Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men ... Hi, I'm Al Harrington, President and CEO of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Thanks to a shipping error I am now overstocked on wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men, and I am passing the savings on to *you*! Attract customers to your business, make a splash at your next presentation, keep grandma company, protect your crops, confuse your neighbours! African American? Hail a cab, testify in church or just raise the roof! Whatever your wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man needs, come on down to Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse, route two in Weekapaug!

Man #1: [Lois and Peter are watching a Sam Adams commercial on TV] I'll have water, please.
Man #2: I'll have water too, but with lemon, please.
Man #3: I'll have a Sam Adams, please
Man #4: It's 9:30 in the morning!'
Man #1: And don't you have an outstanding DUI?
Man #3: Yeah, but I gotta get the taste of weed and hooker spit out of my mouth.
Man #4: [pause] I'll have a Sam Adams as well.
Sam Adams: Samuel Adams! Always a good decision!

Chris Griffin: Mom! Look at me!
[jumps in pool]
Chris Griffin: How was that?
Lois Griffin: Your third somersault was a little sloppy but what do I know, huh? It's been so long since i qualified for the Olympics.
Chris Griffin: You were in the Olympics?
Lois Griffin: No, I got pregnant with Meg and couldn't go. Now I'm Pro Choice.

Wilfred Brimley: Hi, I'm Wilfred Brimley, and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee, and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day, I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago, I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife's been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Brian Griffin: Wow, look at me! Hanging out drinking with Ernest Hemingway, Van Gogh and Kurt Cobain. Still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have.
Ernest Hemingway: Yeah, well, I finally collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself.
Vincent Van Gogh: I could not reconcile my passion with the way people around me were living so I shot myself.
Kurt Cobain: I hated the thought of my music become part of some bland corporate mechanism so I shot myself.
Brian Griffin: [sheepish] Yeah I, uh... I got into the garbage and ate some chocolate.

Peter: Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn. You know, that really grinds my gears. Where in the bible does it say that a man can't fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room while his neighbor's at work because I don't have a DVD player? Well, I don't know where it says it because the Bible was way too long to read!

Louis: Peter you're acting like a complete child.
Peter: Well Louis if am a child then your a pedophile. And I'll be damned if I stand here and let you rape me.

(late at night, Brian walks in the door drunk)
Louis: Brian were have you been! Stewie was supposed to be home hours ago.
Brian: Well he was right behind me two hours ago.
Louis: TWO HOURS AGO! (Stewie walks in) Oh my baby!!!
Stewie: You know Brian when you left me at McDonalds for that cab I had to walk home. And.. yeah there's a lot of hungry dear at night. Managed to get my ear out of one of their mouths and into a cup of ice at a 7-11. So when ever you want to apologize talk into the cup.
Peter: Brian how could you be so irresponsible. Stewie could have gotten hurt.
Stewie: My ears in a cup. I guess that doens't count.
Brian: You're not the boss of me! I do want I want!
Stewie: Yeah... I don't need to go to the hospital I'll use this Mr. Potato Head ear.

Peter: Hey, an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt!
*gets punched in the face through the monitor*

Peter Griffin: Huh, I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?
[Scooby-Doo theme plays]
TV Announcer: We now return to The Scooby-Doo Murder Files.
Fred: Gee whiz, gang. Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river.
Velma: Jinkies! What a mystery!
Scooby-Doo: [jumps on Shaggy's arms] Arroo!
Fred: You're right Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch!

Diane: Are you excited Tom?
Tom: Are you kidding Diane? I have wood!................And clipped to this piece of wood is a list of this year's parade floats.

I love this quote from FG, where Peter pretends Chris is dying to get a tv show back on.


Peter:He's got a very rare disease called tumor...syphilis...itis..osis

Charity Guy: sounds sexy. What are the symptoms?

P:What are the symptoms?! Take a look!!

*They tried making it look like he has a lot of nipples*

CG:They look like Pepperoni's to me

P:How dare you! My son happens to be very sensitive about his
condition!

*Chris is just sitting there spacin' out.

*Peter grabs one of the pepperoni's and eat's it*

P:See? nipples shouldn't come off like that. :lol: