A game to determine the Ultimate Winner.

[Dr Unne]

This is a game I have devised to determine the Ultimate Winner.

The rules are simple:

1. <strong>The person who posts in this thread LAST is the Ultimate Winner.</strong> Once exactly 24 hours pass with no replies to this thread, as of that moment the person with the last post in this thread will be declared the Ultimate Winner and the game will be ended.

2. <strong>One post per person.</strong> If you post in this thread more than once, you are the Ultimate Loser, and you're disqualified. If you post more than once, none of your posts count at all, except to declare you the Ultimate Loser. This means you can't keep spamming up the thread to keep other people from winning, because none of your posts will matter. More than one person can be the Ultimate Loser; everyone who posts twice or more receives this title of shame.

3. <strong>No cheating by staffers.</strong> How sad that I even need such a rule. But if you close the thread to prevent people from posting, or delete the posts of people after you, or anything of that sort, then not only are you the Ultimate Loser, but also your descendants, yea, even to the seventh generation.

4. <strong>No second accounts.</strong> I hope no one would stoop to this, but people nowadays, sheesh. If there are any other nasty ways of cheating that I can't think of, I reserve the right to disqualify people at will for being a jerkface.

5. <strong>If no one else posts, I win by default.</strong> But none of my posts after this one matter.

For those with a short attention span, you can stop reading here. Have at you.




(If you do post, post something interesting. Don't just say "MRRRRRRRRRR DRRRRRRRRRR I POESTED". Perhaps guess who will be the first attention whore and/or person who didn't read the rules that posts twice.)

(Staffers, this game is the very opposite of spam, in that to play you have to post as LITTLE as possible, so I hope you'll leave my thread open and not close it and make me cry. )

So, what is the best strategy to win this game? It is a game fiendishly clever in its intricacies.

Clearly at first glance the best strategy is to wait. The longer you wait, the more chance you have of winning. If you waste your post early, you will be more likely to lose. However if everyone played the game by that strategy, everyone would wait forever, and I would win.

So maybe the best strategy is to assume everyone else is playing by the above strategy, and to go ahead and post. If everyone else waits forever, and you post, you will win. But what if everyone adopts THAT strategy? What if everyone assumes everyone else is waiting, and people post assuming they'll beat the system? Then it turns out waiting would really have been the wise choice after all.

Maybe after someone posts, you plan to wait until almost 1 day has passed, and then post yourself, so as to "snipe" the prize. But once you post, people have a whole day to snipe YOU. And so maybe it's best to wait and hope someone else snipes someone else, and then you can snipe them. But what if everyone waits and the day time limit passes? Then the game is over, and you have lost.

Maybe you will wait for a cool-down period, since there are likely to be many posts right away, and fewer over time as fewer people remain to play. Maybe you plan to wait for the thread to disappear from the front page and then post hoping everyone else forgot the game. But you never know if other people are doing the same thing, and don't wait too long or you may forget about it yourself.

You must also remember that some people are going to post impulsively. Some people will post randomly because they have no strategy and want to win but don't or can't think of how to do it. So maybe all thought of strategy is in vain, and random posting has as much chance of winning as anything else.

Perhaps you will plot out the rate of people posting over time, and attempt to extrapolate the point where it's best to post yourself? In that case you are even more of a nerd than I am, and you are a winner in your own right.

Maybe the fact that I'm pointing all these strategies will itself help determine your strategy? Everyone knows at least this much now. Maybe there is a strategy I'm not thinking of, better than all of these?

Just remember, to have ANY chance of winning, you have to post eventually...
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You could never prove a staff member posted or any other member for that matter because it's possible for us to delete posts from the database. -Yamaneko
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Maybe I'm taking systematic backups of the database at regular intervals. Did you ever think of that? --Unne

[Christmas]

A staffer can delete the third rule and close it anyway.

[Rye]

One of those sneaky New Zealanders will definitely win this, just so you know. It's quite inevitable. They always seem to do that, especially with birthday thread. You plan, oh how you plan, for 5 months to snipe someone's birthday thread, and you make your beautiful thread. Tears glisten down your face at your achievement, then you see General Chat and no other than LIAM DONALD, with a grin bright as Agent Proto's, has stole your thread! Your heart breaks into a million pieces, much like the million crumbs of bread tossed to the pigeons in Central Park by the creepy old bird lady from Home Alone. Oh, Liam Donald.

What is it with those kiwis? Are kiwis the fruit of evil? If you ingest one, will you suddenly be able to bend time and darken the hearts of ones around you? Will you be able to snope out goats with the great accuracy? I've often wondered this. Kiwis certainly don't LOOK like the fruit of evil, but I suppose that's just what they want you to think. They hide behind a furry hide of brown, much like the darkened fur of a bear. No other fruit feels the need for such deception. The soft skin of the apple is trusting. Trusting you not to penetrate it with your sharp teeth. Trusting you to tender caress it in your hands. The banana has a barrier, but it is a loving barrier, much like the barrier of a condom between two lovers. It wishes you to peel it apart, to look at it's naked bare body, trusting you to find it beautiful. Trusting you to love it. In that respect, the banana is much like a fragile woman giving up the precious flower of her virginity. But not the kiwi. It does not wish for you to see deep inside it. It's built up walls against us mortals, much like New Zealanders do. That's probably how they're able to bend time.

I personally think that Norway is much more honest. Norway is not represented by a fruit of evil, in any case! Sure, sure, vikings came from Norway to rape and pillage our woman, but I think they're cuddly, like ogres and cyclopses. Oh you! Don't you just want to tickle their beards? Norway is an admirable country and one of the members on EoFF from Norway, Levian, is even the Pope. Wait no, that was just in my dream last night. It was a very unusual dream. It was kind of rauncy, because someone kept screaming at Levian to "SPRAY YOUR HOLY WATER ON MY FACE." Oh you, Jessica, you nerdebeføler (nerd-stroker, don't ban me elsie, dearie pie.)

But of course, Scandinavia in general is honest. Their music speaks of honestly, love, and betrayal. Scandinavian Techno Music is proven to improve your mood in the morning if you wake up to it. Take "Doctor Jones" by Aqua, a Norwegian/Danish band for example. A melodious tune that speaks of the tale of two lovers, seperated by the bonds of fate. It brings tears to ones eye. And what of "Botten Ana" by Basshunter? A song about a young man who comes to terms with the betrayal of a beautiful deceptive woman on the internet who pretends to be a power IRC bot. No other country would admit such a folly! This is why Scandinavia has such a large spot in my heart.

Of course, I love many things. Penguins, for example. Many people distrust this flightless bird, but I think that the fact that they cannot fly makes them more honest and vulnerable, and less likely to deceive you. Except the penguins in New Zealand. They probably eat Kiwis too. Jerks. But those artic penguins. They shuffle along in large packs and slide on their stomachs through out the tundra. One day I wish to assimilate myself among this beautiful creatures. With a "HODODODODOD!" I will walk with them, be with them, love with them. Perhaps I will be able to hold an egg between my feet. Admittedly, my feet are rather small, so I think I would not have a great aptititude for this, but I can try. My penguin bretheren with accept me all the same.

Penguins are the very epitome of racial acceptance. They are both black and white, and they all accept each other. Harmony between colors is a beautiful thing, and I feel the penguins can teach us a thing or two. It can certainly teach the apple nazis. Apple nazis, you ask? Yes, apple nazis. They discriminate against the color of all apples, and only eat the red apples. I feel all apples, red, green or yellow, have beautiful qualities that shine through their soft exoskelton. Indeed, the penguins can teach the eaters of our small round fruity friends to love all colors, and only hate prejudice.



I feel that the sperm whale should also be an accepted creature in underwater society. As you can see in the included diagram, the sperm whale is despondent, upset, and lethargic. Why, you may ask? You are quivering with excited to know why. Well, it's because all the kids underwater make fun of the sperm whale for being a SPERM whale. I don't see what is so funny about the name sperm whale. The sperm whale, isn't a microscopic sex cell, nor does it have a flagella. If it had a flagella, I could understand the commotion, because flagellas are the sign of ineptitude in a whale. Too lazy for a tail? Pfft! Moby Dick, someday someone's going wanna turn around and say goodbye, say goodbye. And speaking of Moby Dick! You know why Moby Dick was so mean? It was because he was bullied and taunted for being a sperm whale with the name "Dick." We should take a lesson from the Norwegians and penguins and just all get along. We shouldn't be like those time warping kiwis, spreading distrust. We should open ourselves up to the human hand of life, much like the banana, and reap the rewards of life. And Scandinavian Techno Music. Because that's what the Vikings would want for us.

[black orb]

>>> Ultimate loser here..

[LunarWeaver]

I want to post early and get my losing status out of the way. When you're a winner, you have expectations of you. People want you to keep raising the bar just because you raised it once. Soon your parents are disappointed with your performance no matter how good it is and your friends gossip behind your back out of jealousy. No, I want to be a loser. I love losing and being lazy and all that. I must lose.

[Meat Puppet]

I am just posting so LunarWeaver loses.

[black orb]

>>> Now Im officially the ultimate loser..

[Savern Volaco]

Meow I like kitties, fluffy cute cuddle and warm feet warmers, I love cats and kittens...Last post of the week eh.

[Odaisé Gaelach]

Ka-ching!

[vorpal blade]

I hereby sacrifice myself that someone else will win and give me a cookie.

And i would also like to offer some advice. The best strategy would be to post and buy everyone off with a cookie so that they won't post. Or you can convince everyone that the "posts" needed to play this game are wooden posts that are to be inserted into the monitor. Then they'll be too busy to post and you'll win. Or you could type something so long that by the time everyone finishes reading your post the game'll end and you win. Or you can let me win and I'll get you a cookie. Note that the cookie you get might not be given to you direcctly by me, nor will the cookie be given to you immediately in most cases. cahnces are you'll have to buy the cookie yourself, but rest assured I will be responsible for making the cookie available to buy.

edit: wow, in the time it took for me to write that, about four more posts were posted.

[Martyr]

Edited to wipe out goofy Shel and get in the Bobby Bare song instead.

Note that I had a hard time finding these lyrics for some wierd reason.

THE WINNER

The hulk of a man with a beer in his hand he looked like a drunk old fool
And I knew if I hit him right why I could knock him off of that stool
But everybody they said watch out hey that's the Tiger Man McCool
He's had the whole lotta fights and he's always come out winner yeah he's a winner

But I had myself about five too many and I walked up tall and proud
I faced his back and I faced the fact that he had never stooped or bowed
I said Tiger Man you're a pussycat and a hush fell on the crowd
I said let's you and me go outside and see who's the winner

Well he gripped the bar with one big hairy hand then he braced against the wall
He slowly looked up from his beer my God that man was tall
He said boy I see you're a scrapper so just before you fall
I'm gonna tell you just a little bout what it means to be a winner

He said now you see these bright white smilin' teeth you know they ain't my own
Mine rolled away like Chicklets down the street in San Antone
But I left that person cursin' nursin' seven broken bones
And he only broke ah three of mine that makes me the winner

He said now behind this grin I got a steel pin that holds my jaw in place
A trophy of my most successful motorcycle race
And each morning when I wake and touch this scar across my face
It reminds me of all I got by bein' a winner

Now this broken back was the dyin' act of a handsome Harry Clay
That sticky Cincinnati night I stole his wife away
But that woman she gets uglier and she gets meaner every day
But I got her boy that's what makes me a winner

He said you gotta speak loud when you challenge me son cause it's hard for me to hear
With this twisted neck and these migraine pains and this big ole cauliflower ear
And if it wadn't for this glass eye of mine why I'd shed a happy tear
To think of all that you gonna get by bein' a winner

I got arthritic elbows boy I got dislocated knees
From pickin' fights with thunderstorms and chargin' into trees
And my nose been broke so often I might lose if I sneeze
And son you say you still wanna be a winner

Now you remind me a lotta my younger days with your knuckles a clenchin' white
But boy I'm gonna sit right here and sip this beer all night
And if there's somethin' that you gotta gain to prove by winnin' some silly fight
Well okay I quit I lose you're the winner

So I stumbled from that barroom not so tall and not so proud
And behind me I still hear the hoots of laughter of the crowd
But my eyes still see and my nose still works and my teeth're still in my mouth
And you know I guess that makes me the winner

[rubah]

it seems like we've had a thread like this before.

Well I guess those didn't have time limits though.

You know, the edit button is a great tool. I keep thinking of new things to add to my post.

I don't really care about being the Ultimate Winner, I don't usually win these things anyways.

I read the Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock again today, and it touched me very deeply.

[fire_of_avalon]

That's my favorite poem in the world. I'm glad you liked it.

I was waiting for something worthy to post about. That was fast.

[NeoCracker]

Dr. Unne.

For once, I actually believe that you fail.

[Awrini]

Its taken many years, but our good Dr. Unne has finally lost it.

*shakes head* Sad sad times.

PS: Holy #$(& Rye.