2007 EoFF Elections: The Home Streeeeeetch

[Jessweeee♪]

I like mismatching my socks >=o

[Tavrobel]

Our pimp mog is elite and you know it!

Why is his glasses off-center with his face? Makes him look weird and unpimp.

[Rad Zak]

The Quickening and The Smell of Fear

1.We all know drugs are bad, right? Your job as EoFF politicians entails keeping our younger, more impressionable members away from drugs. Demonstrate your ability to find an evil drug reference in the nu-gen final fantasies like Levian here and expose the designers at Square as the low-lives they are to prove your worth!

BAMF: Further woes for SQUEENIX

Japanese game company Square-Enix has sunk even further into ill repute today, after its chief financial officer was arrested on innumerable counts of fraud after several dozen people were found crowded together on a rock.

A suspicious increase in the number of travellers citing “Dream Tokyo” as their destination prompted police to conduct an investigation, and discovered that everyone who had boarded the plane bound for “Dream Tokyo” had also signed all of their money over to a Mr. Yebon-san. Tracking the plane by its black box, police discovered a large crowd of tripped out individuals, all squashed together for the last two days, on a small island located somewhere near Hawaii. Emergency services were flown in to take the victims to the nearest hospital, where the less affected people told what happened; after being invited to a free lunch, the crowd was incapacitated with food laced with the drug known as “Sin’s Toxin”, before being cajoled into signing their assets over to the fraudster, and carted off to an “Dream Tokyo”, apparently an ideal paradise, free from the conflict and strife of the modern world.

Samples of “Sin’s Toxin” were sent to the Board of Harmful and Eccentric Drugs for extensive testing. A spokeswoman for BHED has reported that its effects include causing one’s ‘head to go all foggy-like’ and have ‘crazy dreams’. It was revealed to be identical to a chemical found in whale blubber, and similar side-effects can be experienced by coming in contact with whales.

The unnamed Square employee was led away from the cameras, escorted by police to ward off overzealous paparazzi and vengeful family members, and is expected to be imprisoned until the time of his trial.

Pirate Red Chin Patrol:



Here we see Adel in a gigantic tank with a bunch of glowing stingy things. What exactly are the string things doing you may wonder? Well you know what? They're feeding her steroids!



Can Adel make it even more obvious?He's She's supposed to look more womanly! And look at those muscles. How do you get such things? I'll tell you how. Steroids! She doesn't even have boobs (or a shirt on, mind you). Disgusting. He's so ashamed by this fact that he needs to use Rinoa to get the boys. Awful. Take it away.

The Party: "Zanarkand, a dream of the Fayth? More like a bad drug trip if you ask me! Let’s face it, FFX was a pretty freaky game, and only a really drug-addled mind could come up with a costume as stupid as Tidus’, or a Bahamut with a giant spinning wheel on its back.

It wouldn’t surprise me if the water was laced with the stuff. Maybe it would explain the Hypellos’ constantly slurred speech, or why Brother’s so hyperactive. The Bevelle Temple Cloister of Trials can hardly be the product of a sober mind, can it? And it’s not as if our own characters are completely clean, either. Wakka’s accent is a little too laid back, if you catch my drift. And don’t try and pretend that Tidus and Yuna didn’t ‘lose their heads’ a little when they went swimming in Macalania Lake.

Don’t even get me started on X-2, either. From the opening FMV, the whole game concept seemed as if it had been thought up during a particularly ‘free-spirited’ brainstorming session over at Square-Enix. How else do you explain the massage mini-game, or the ‘Itchy’ status effect?"


2. Create a hip new character for Final Fantasy XIII. There is a 100% chance that Square Enix will actually put the winning character into the game!

BAMF:



Foa Avalonus always dreamt of life on the highway, and after achieving the dubious honour of acceptance into the Bamfordian CyberRollers, was able to live her desires. Although life with the most notorious Road Gang on the streets was perfect for her dishonest nature and sawn-off shotlaser "Samuel", she still felt somewhat unfulfilled. But soon adventure was to smack her right in the teeth like a bolt of Lightning...


Pirate Red Chin Patrol:



This is Gregorandfreed. He's part florist and part stomper. His special attack involves a stomping with the use of his size 400 feet. His regular attacks involve pansying up the enemy and poisoning using various pesticides and insecticides.

The Party: Now that we’ve accepted that the folks at SE are a load of hallucinating junkies, I don’t think it’s too much of a leap to suggest that their next character creation will look something like this:



If you thought FFX-2 was full of fanservice, then you’re in for a shock. In FFXIII, SE plan to actually include EoFFers in the game. This handsome fellow is a veritable Frankenstein’s Monster of EoFF body parts, including the heads of Old Manus, Agent Proto, themagicroundabout and Meat Puppet. He attacks with his fearsome Kishi Tentacles, and is protected from harm by his Maxx Power +1trillion Tights of Crotch-Hugging and RSL’s Hat. Obviously, his four heads give him a slight split-personality problem, and it is rumoured that one of the heads betrays the party at some point, and re-emerges in the final dungeon as the ultimate villain. The remaining heads then set aside their differences to destroy (SPOILER)Mecha-Proto together.

3. Find a character or person with hair even more bizarre than Final Fantasy X’s Seymour, and explain why this cat is that much wilder. Obviously, providing a picture along with a brief description is optimal.

BAMF:



For generations the monolith of steel and stone residing in New York harbour has struck fear into the hearts of millions around the globe.
As such, only the truest of Badass Mothersmurfers would even dare to copy the hairstyle of the redoubtable beast without fear of weighty retribution!
For such reasons was Olga Von-MusselDorf, a Kolovniostanian Waste Disposal Engineer, cast from her village in the Kolov Backlands.
When questioned, residents cited a fear of "The Coming of the Great Green Foot" as their justification of her expulsion.
Left without a home, Olga recently made a pilgrimage to New York, where citygoers avoided her on the street,and gave her free hotdogs.
The Statue of Liberty declined to comment.

Pirate Red Chin Patrol:



I don't think he'll be getting a date with hair like that.[/QUOTE]

The Party: If it’s crazy hair you want, look no further than Dennis Keith Rodman. The man’s hair is more than just outrageous, you see; it actually has a life of its own. Sources close to D-Rod have informed me that his head is not covered in ordinary human hair, but a mysterious alien parasite that is able to change its colour and shape, chameleon-like, in order to send messages to its comrades in outer space. A few of these messages have been deciphered below:



“I have discovered a suitable host. It is only a matter of time before I gain full knowledge of the secrets of the Earth People.”



“Human habits are indeed fascinating. I am very much enjoying the Televisual Transmission they call ‘Lost’.”



“Have any of you guys ever tried Iced Tea? That stuff is awesome.”

[Psychotic]

Ooh, good answers all round on this one. But, of course, I prefer ours. Joan (as the EoFF mis-match is called) is king. Uh...queen. I don't know.

[Jessweeee♪]

Hmm....one party dissed my socks and another dissed my man >=o

[fire_of_avalon]

Oh man, all of you seriously rock my world so hard, but I am so happy my party did such great work. Y'all make me so proud.

[Rad Zak]

The World is Square…and Enix

1. Write a song parody to the tune of any song written by Hanson, The Backstreet Boys, or Daphne and Celeste. The parody must have to do with a game covered in “The World is Square…and Enix.” BONUS: Five points will automatically be added to your final vote tally if at least one member of the group sings the song and posts it, as well.

BAMF: Harle's Song (To the tune of "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)"

I'm nobody
But I'm cute.
I'm nobody
But I am a clown.
I don't know how to frown!

I look like a teenaged girl
But I'm not of this world.
My name is Harle and I speak French
I think that Kid chick is a wench.
Do I like that girl?
Noooo
Should I kick her ass?
Yeaaah
Do you know what I even do?
Nooo
Do you really think I'm cute?
Dammit you better think I'm cute.

I'm nobody
But I'm cute.
I'm nobody
But I am a clown.
I don't know how to frown!

I give you info you miss in game
It seems to be my only function.
Why'd these dragons make me a clown anyway?
And what does it mean when it says I'm "connected to them?"

I'm a mystery
Yeaaah
I have a cheesy name
Yeaaah
My pants weird!
Yeaaah
Who picked this outfit and
can I kill them now?


I'm nobody
But I'm cute.
I'm nobody
But I am a clown.
I don't know how to frown!

To all the fans of Chrono Trigger
What's my purpose, do you figure?
Am I magic? Am I from the past?
Or am I here just to represent the Badass?

I'm nobody
But I'm cute.
I'm nobody
But I am a clown.
A Badass Mothersmurfing Clown!

Pirate Red Chin Patrol:

Kingdom Hearts is good
Must play in da hood
So those geeks stay away
I play it dat way

Kingdom Hearts is cool
Unless if you're a fool
Gansta style to get a lay
'Cause I play it dat way

[Chorus:]
Gonna get
The pimpinest key blade
Gonna get
Some potions for some aid
And then buy
A hoe so sora can get laid
I play it dat way


Goofie is really great
For use as a bait
I lose less hp that way
'Cause I play it dat way

[Chorus]
Gonna get
The pimpinest key blade
Gonna get
Some potions for some aid
And then buy
A hoe so sora can get laid
I play it dat way



Donald can cast spells that burn their hearts
Or freeze them to the core, brr
No matter the damage
It still helps me
Beat the one enemy

I can cast fire
With my jacked lighter
Kingdom
Kingdom Kingdom Kingdom



Hearts is a pimping game
Some people think its really lame
Gonna curb stomp them till their shamed
You will always here me say
I play it dat way

[Chorus]
Gonna get
The pimpinest key blade
Gonna get
Some potions for some aid
And then buy
A hoe so sora can get laid
I play it dat way

Gonna get
The pimpinest key blade
Gonna get
Some potions for some aid
And then buy
A hoe so sora can get laid
I play it dat way
I play it dat way

The Party: based on Backstreet Boys' I Want it That Way

C'mon and listen
The Hearts; surpression
Donald got me guessin'
What the hell is he sayin'?

Voices, like nails on a chalk board
Donald, what's he sayin'?
He messin' up the plot
He's got a messed up face

Tell me why?
Ain't nothin' but a heartless
Tell me why?
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want my Keyblade

Don't start, with Goofy
They know you retarted
What's worse, sellin' out at market
Is he a dog or what?

Tell me why?
Ain't nothin' but a heartless
Tell me why?
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want my Keyblade

Down on all fours sniffin' Sora's butt
Now whos next, that Leon's up
Don't get me wrong, I understand the story you know
But everybody knows Squall went hard when he was an emo

Talkin to himself in the head
Cuttin' himself those was the days
Leon is like Cloud
But with a scar
Sephiroth makes me want to

Aeris, she trippin'
This game, it's messin'
Yuffie, you've got to learn
C'mon, just wait, your turn

Don't wanna hear you say
Ain't nothin' but a heartless
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Why won't Riku ever be the same?
I want my Keyblade

Tell me why?
Ain't nothin' but a heartless
Tell me why?
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want my Keyblade
Axel loves Roxas, but he can't seem to say
I want my Keyblade
I want my Keyblade

2. Explain the plot of Kingdom Hearts, Xenogears, or Chrono Trigger in exactly 100 words. You must also use these words in your synopsis: gnarly, neuroscientist, gash, oedipal. Obviously, correctly using the words is encouraged, and changing them for grammatical correctness or tense is allowed.

BAMF: Kingdom Hearts is about a boy called Sora, who joins forces with a stupid dog (Goofy) and an annoying duck (Donald), in his search for Riku and his "gash", Kairi. On their adventures, the trio run into a bunch of heartless and retarded Disney villains. Unfortunately, Riku turns evil and forces Sora into a badass battle over Kairi’s heart. Once Riku is beaten Sora challenges the neuroscientist Ansem, who is oedipal with and wants a heart of darkness. After a gnarly battle in which Sora beats Ansem down four times, he finally gets killed by a crappy beam of light from Kingdom Hearts.

Pirate Red Chin Patrol: Chrono Trigger is a game staring a character named Crono, who was obviously not very important to the plot as nobody really felt like including his speech into the script, and a bunch of gnarly people/frogs/robots/transvestites/monsters who want to save and/or eat and/or kill him. Much more important are however Marle’s dad, who suffers the reverse form of Oedipal Syndrom towards his daughter, the wannabee, yet never-to-get-there (thanks Lynx<3) neuroscientist Lucca, and the gorgeous stuntgirl Schala. The later character has received a special place in the hentai magazines of Square-Enix freaks for saving Crono’s gash from the giant crab Lavos.

The Party: Our gnarly main character, Sora, wakes up from his nap. Along comes Roxas, aka Blonde Emo Boy, who seems baffled, and meets a girl named Naminé and falls in love. He also has an oedipus complex, so he’s gonna try to become part of Sora. Sora and friends, weird dog and the Mighty Ducks, travel from world to world until they meet Organization XIII, a neuroscientist-super-saiyan clan. Beb and Sora fight, and Sora gashes Beb with his wicked sick giant metal key. At the end, Sora is reunited with his chum, Riku, who's really Trunks from the future in disguise.

3. You need to have a silver tongue to be a good politician, so give us a speech on why you think blowing the crap out of EoFF and to hell with those idiot environmentalists is the right way forward for the community, or give us a protest speech to drum up support for the "Save EoFF" movement

BAMF: Xenogears for President

Eyes on Final Fantasy has really gone to seed recently. And you know why? It’s because EoFF has become stagnant.
I mean really, how many times can you discuss how to revive Aeris (answer: why would you want to?) or revive General Leo (answer: an unholy arcane ritual on the winter solstice) or how to make Khimari useful (answer: it’s impossible)?
Eyes on Final Fantasy needs to move in an entirely new direction. This bold new vision for the future is based around one simple, shining concept: Square-Enix has more games than just Final Fantasy.
You gasp in shock, yes, but it is true. And in order to move EoFF in exciting new directions, we must embrace this blasphemous thinking and move forward into a new tomorrow!
And by this, I mean talk about Xenogears. Seriously, how can you not talk about Xenogears? Xenogears is WAY better than the Final Fantasy games (except Final Fantasy Tactics. We love you Tactics! Have my babies!). It has a 100+ hour plot which is way more confusing than VII and VIII’s plots COMBINED. How awesome is that? Not to mention its longer than both of them combined IN THE FIRST DISC. Plus it has giant robots. Everybody loves giant robots.
The point here is that to save EoFF we must think progressively! And by that I mean we need to talk about a game that came out over 7 years ago!
No more of this talk about “Cloud” or “Squall” or how “manly” they are, which is funny ‘cause they look kinda “girly,” which is the polar opposite of “manly.”
All talk henceforth must be about Fei, or Elly, or Grahf, or even that bloody pink Chuchu. Because without this kind of talk EoFF will fall. And if you want EoFF to fall, you’re siding with Communism or perhaps riding with Hitler. Or both.

Pirate Red Chin Patrol: My fellow hearties and sea dogs. I want to talk with you about something; Elitism. It’s a dirty, filthy, disgusting word. The very fabric of its meaning can exult the weak and sicken the strong. Like a slow parasitic disease, it’s worked its way into our very lives, infecting all those it comes across. Twisting the once great into power-hungry madmen, and the masses into mindless proletariats. A dark shadow cast upon the entirety of our little community, it consumes, it digests, and it leaves only a trail of repetitiveness and mediocrity in its wake. Those that may arrive to bring about the end of its reign of terror are subsequently quashed under the collective foot of this frightening monster. Any sense of progress and diversity are halted almost before they can begin by this lumbering beast. Original thought is seen as alien and unwanted, whilst continuing trends are perpetually embraced by a populous unaware of it’s self-made prison.

That’s why we’ve gotta blow everything up, pronto!

See, this community of ours for too long has been subject to continuing trends of unnecessary member approval and worship. How many times do we have to really say we love Kishi? Do we really need another “Mold Anus” joke? Is RSL’s beard really all that great? Probably, but that’s not the point. What we see throughout our community is an unwillingness to embrace the entirety of our forum members. So many people come and go dissatisfied because they refused to conform to the normality that has stagnated our dear members. Think of all of the potential new members that we could cultivate in our fine community if only we were to welcome all with open arms and open minds. It is only those who are willing to fall into line and rehash the same methods of community appreciation that become notable and wanted within our community. Those who choose to be themselves and defy the establishment are always the “fringe members” those who try to interact with others but are shown only scorn for their actions. We must not allow these people to be subjugated anymore. It is time for a paradigm shift in our minds and souls, and only a whole boat load of explosives is going to accomplish that.

It is only through the chaos and anarchy of rebirth through destruction that we can hope to level the playing field for these new initiates. The system is too corrupt, too stale and too Elitist for a gradual change. Any kind of positive change will be met with the same negative response that has caused this problem in the first place. Every single element has been set in place to prevent such a radical change from occurring. A renewal of the system that has gone against what it original set out to do, a revolution not evolution, is the only logical solution. It will remove those from power from their ivory towers. It will free those under the spell of Elitism from their reverie of oppression. And it will finally allow those who have lurked in the shadows under forceful containment to truly mingle with the masses and let their voices be heard. It will be a new beginning for our community, a chance to forget the mistakes of the past and concentrate on a truly equal society where titles such as “Oldbies” or “Newbies” are one and the same. Where all members of a community are given equal chance to become part of something gloriously diverse regardless of their time spent on the forums. A place where no one need wallow in a lack of User Notes or reoccurring jokes that make no sense to anyone but those who started it five years ago.

This world can be yours my friends. You need only press the plunger.

The Party: My fellow EoFF members, there can only possibly be one way forward. Effort to organize, effort to succeed, effort to stand and fight, all useless as long as we are so unjustly chained to that which brings us down.

Environmentalists. We must destroy this plague that greets EoFF on such a daily basis. Useless cretins they are and they threaten that which is the only way to forward ourselves. Let us destroy them, for we need to better ourselves. What could possibly stand in our way, if only we could unite under a common banner! A banner of might and righteousness, destruction commence! Go forth, and scour the land, for EoFF’s comeuppance has come to us.

Why should we stand any longer here? Are you not outraged by them? Where is the fire that I once have seen from you? Do you wish to be slaves? Of course not! You wish to be free, do you not? Condemned to useless labor, a eternal phantasm of the seven circles of Hell, flee, and come to that which is right, for the environmentalists be destroyed! Only a full incineration can be of any hope for our future.

Clean yourself, and lend your ability to the destruction of EoFF! Our community is more precious than to be bound under chains of our memories. Don’t be a puppet, for you have the will not to be, but rather, live, and live freely, destroying the remnants of the past, letting them sink loose into the depths of the heart. There is light in all of you, beyond the darkness, for it is not your essence. Nay, it is your right to live…

Destruction must reign and commence. To go on, can only be one thing, to fight off the yoke of the oppressors. At the end of the path, there is a forest, and a cave. Set ablaze them both, and nothing may stand in your way to detract us! Those Elitists! Leeza, Behold the Void, Loony BoB, Azar, DK, and all the others! Strike them down with your fury! Destroy them all! Break off the shackles and the chains, be free!

Even those environmentalists cannot stand in our way now. Choose freedom, and embrace the destruction of those who hold us down. We are community. We are the Party. Power of numbers, power of righteousness, combined, unstoppable power and decision, decide to be free, this must be your decision. Fight them all off, those insignificant little twits. Jackhammers and Walruses, they blind you from the truth. Do you enjoy staring at shadows on the wall? The light is bright, and it is blinding, but give it a chance and it consumes, makes you whole, makes you free, free from oppression and tyranny.

But these insects would rather you suck your own blood from your partner’s eyes. Destruction! Let it flow forth. This is your only chance.

[Tavrobel]

Ohh, God, our World is SE got screwed.

[DK]

Kingdom Hearts is about a boy called Sora, who joins forces with a stupid dog (Goofy) and an annoying duck (Donald), in his search for Riku and his "gash", Kairi.

If I was giving the win to people by myself, BAMF would have won the entire thing right there.

[Psychotic]

Did nobody sing, then? Oh thank god!

[DK]

Maxx did, apparently, but he said loben was supposed to be mixing it and that never surfaced.

[Psychotic]

I figured he might. Thanks loben for that lucky escape!

If only you'd said party member instead of group member...

[Jessweeee♪]

1. No one sang.
2. You all failed to mention Threads of Fate in a positive way (or any way at all).

My vote goes to no one >=o

[Freya]

The red pirate mage's speech got boring. Sorry. I couldn't read it all.... It just was.... boring.

HAHA I told you loben was a noob.

[Psychotic]

wait what? are we only voting for one party overall, rather than a party for each section?