Hey Jess I'm applying for the Newcastle job. I'm wondering if you'll be my assistant manager if I get it. Just let me know. Also, I need a first team coach, a reserve coach and a goalkeeping coach, so if any of you guys are interested in that then I'd be happy to take you on.

I'm thinking all I need to do is buy a couple of obscure and crap foreign centre backs for £12m a pop and finish 14th for a nice £5m termination bonus.