Ye gods, why are people still going to see PoTC?! Has everyone else in the English-speaking world been brainwashed by Disney executives? Do people now prefer to watch this complete codswallop to quality film-making like, say, Zodiac?

The first film was okay, I'll admit that. The plot was pretty standard and Geoffrey Rush was good. The story obviously wasn't written for that somewhat bizarre performance by Johnny Depp, which did make it kind of fun. That said, Orlando Bloom might as well be a wet fish made from wood, although the acting ability of said fish would far exceed his own "talent". Keira Knightley always looks like she ought to be mounted on a horse and discussing wines of the 15th century with other damsels.

But at least the plot was coherent.

The second film was longer and ABSOLUTELY ATROCIOUS. Did no-one else recognise this? It wasn't exactly a subtle point. It might have been highlighted by the numb feeling in your bum (if you were enjoying it) or the entirety of your body (if, like me, you would have rather watched Hulk Hogan's entire back catalogue of films with a spike up your bottom). Johnny Depp was doing the same thing, which was old by the second film. Bloom and Knightley had more screen time - good for lovers of furniture, but bad for everyone else. And it didn't make any sense. A bunch of people looking for a bunch of things that may or may not help them does not constitute a plot. It constitutes a big mess. And it wasn't funny... at all.

I'm not going to see PoTC 3, so I may be wrong. It might be the greatest film ever and resolve the 700 pointless subplots in the second film, but as I have invested absolutely no emotional attachment to any of the characters whatsoever*, I wouldn't care.

* With the possible exception of Orlando Bloom's character. I'd probably go and see all 168 minutes in order to observe, with glee, an excruciating death for a man who is considerably outclassed in the acting stakes by a dead monkey.