Well this is my first entry. I keep a journal but seldom do I actually write anything of any importance in it. A friend told me that doing so could help me keep my sanity. I laughed at her since I obviously have already lost most of it. I'm the kind of person that listens well and talks way too much most of the time. Usually there is no real purpose for my conversation other than the need to release whatever it is that I am feeling at that time. Anyway, I guess I should actually add the entry instead of babbling about why I am doing so, huh?
It seems that after all these years I still find myself plagued by events of the past I had very little control over back then or now for that matter. Even tho I've had a wonderful life, I still feel an emptiness that even my most treasured memories can not disguise. I ponder my own existance and often wonder how I managed to remain here. Now don't get me wrong I'm not suicidal. I love life, but I feel so lost in it sometimes. Ever felt alone in the company of friends? That is how I feel in life sometimes. If I don't have someone to talk to or something to keep me occupied then my mind starts to wonder, drifting invariably back to the distant past and a time that is no more. I start dreaming of the what if's and if only's. They always take me to places best left in the past. Sometimes I think I look for the sadness and long to relive some of those times. Maybe it is a fear of forgetting that keeps me returning. An underlying fear that if I don't revisit them I will forget the good along with the bad. Maybe it is something different, something I've yet to understand. I tend push away the people I start to get close to, because of a fear of losing them, which inevitably leads to their loss. It is an endless cycle that I have yet to find a way to break. Today has been one of those rollercoaster ride days. It started out wonderfully as I spent a great deal of time talking to a very good friend. We share a lot of interests and Ithink there could be more between us if the distance we live apart wasn't there. Now that by no means is me ruling out what the future may have in store for us. It is just me being realistic (something I never seem to be). I've always been one to follow blindly my heart and except whatever it leads me too. The last couple of journeys have been very disappointing to say the least. Anyway the day proceeded to lower me into a void of which I am only now beginning to escape. Purhaps a game of Devil May Cry will take my mind off of it...
