There are two places you could put this thread--and GC isn't one of them.

*moves to Study Hall*

Anyway! My main critique is that your opening is entirely lame. Do you know how many of the essays they get probably start with that exact same sentence? Think of something more interesting. Maybe start with enthusiastically describing how you're goal-oriented, then move into how the main goal of your life has been to... fly airplanes. But use more colorful language then just "fly airplanes," like "soar through the sky as a pilot" or... I don't know, something more manly about controlling a big scary machine.

Also, too many of your sentences start with "I." I know it's a personal essay, but mostly what you're doing is listing "I this, I that," and it's boring to read.

Lastly have at least two paragraphs here crammed into one. Stick with the first one being about how goal-oriented and determined you are, leading into your goal being to ______________. Then the second one go into your other interests. I liked the part about your recorder concert.

Hope that helps.