Agreed.Originally Posted by ShlupQuack
If anything, you can take out that paragraph on music and just add it to your paragraph on hobbies. It seems very out-of-place in an essay meant for something formal. Write more about who you are. I'm pretty sure the reader of this will judge you much more on who you are than what you do, which would seem irrelevant to them.
What would be most important for you though is to rewrite the essay in a more formal tone than the casual one you took in the original.
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