EL CHUPACABRA
The last thing I want to do is frighten any of our forumers, but recent transmissions from the perimeter lead me to believe the worst.
There may be a Chupacabra in our midst.
I don't want any of you to panic. Panic is the last thing we need to be doing right now. The last thing any of you should think about doing at this moment in time is panicking. Chupacabras prefer their traditional holiday meal of goats, sheep, and thirty-two turkeys; rarely do they seek human flesh for consumption.
But one can never be too sure. Once the Chupacabra has sated itself on Shiny's goat farm and sucked the blood from all of our chickens, it may turn on us. We have to be prepared for the worst.
What follows is a comprehensive guide to besting and surviving a Chupacabra attack. This method has been proven effective several times by the Arnez Goat Militia of Montreal. They've never lost a teammate.
STEP 1: Spread a small circle of tarragon around your immediate area. Chupacabra's hate tarragon and other subtle, delicious spices. ONLY USE FRENCH TARRAGON. I cannot stress this enough people. The weak flavor of the Russian substitute tarragon will only incense any nearby Chupacabra.
STEP 2: Locate A Flock of Seagulls and force them to perform their signatory hit "I Ran" backwards, three times. The ensuing song is the closest we can recreate to the ancient chant that destroyed Chupacabras. Now we can only give them a mild headache, but it's enough to make them take a nap.
STEP 3: Get a sifter. A big one. You'll know what to do when the time comes.
STEP 4: Do not attempt to engage the Chupacabra in hand to hand combat. The Chupacabra will win. Instead, challenge him to a Pants Off Dance Off. Chupacabra's tend to have very poor self-esteem. Once forced to remove his clothes, he will have to go home and write about it in his Livejournal.
STEP 5: If none of the above steps fend off the Chupacabra, just use a gun. BUT ONLY IF.
Do not engage multiple Chupacabra at once. They are better group dancers than they are one on one.
Here is an artist's rendering of a Chupacabra. "Madeline" is a Chupacabra survivor and a Chupacabra hunter with over 60 bags to date.
CHUPACABRA FACTS
- Chupacabra's can swim, but only the dog paddle. Advanced swimmers should easily avoid any water-bourne Chupacabra's.
- Chupacabra means goat sucker. Do you have any idea how bad ass that is?
- Chupacabras are allergic to Liza Minelli.
- Chupacabras have, to date, been seen in Puerto Rico, Mexico, Maine and Russia. Most recently, a Chupacabra has been seen within the Eyes on Final Fantasy Compound.
- Chupacabra's arms appear to be vestigial. DON'T BE FOOLED.
I know this is a harrowing time for all of us, but if we stay in tight groups and protect our livestock, we should come through this just fine.
:kaocry2:
Originally Posted by NeoCracker
