We now move on to the award for Best Poster, which is the last good award before all the artsy fartsy writing and drawing categories. If you’re one of the more casual members of the Eyes on Final Fantasy forums, now’s your chance to go out to a discoteque or something for a couple of hours and return in time for the Cutest Female Ciddie, when things start to matter again. For the rest of you – those who have been following this thread from the beginning - order another pizza, crack open another can of Mountain Dew and keep staring unblinkingly at the screen, because this award is a doozy!
When you think of great posters, you probably think of the likes of Lord Kitchener, or that tennis chick scratching her butt. A few of you might think of Postman Pat, and to those people I give a warm nostalgic hug. Sadly, we are talking neither printed images nor mail delivery. But the members nominated for this award are figures on a par with all of those listed above. They are the wittiest, most intelligent, erudite and insightful posters on these forums, and I applaud each of them by slapping my hands together to create a resonant percussive noise.
What follows is a selection of quotes from the nominees, so that you see for yourselves their work in its full splendour. So that the purity of their wisdom is preserved, however, I shall not tamper with the specimens by selecting the “best” posts from each member, but rather a randomly chosen quote. In this way I hope to show how their genius expresses itself even in the mundanities of the everyday. Behold the glory of the Best Posters in their natural habitat!
First up we have Big D, a gentleman who I think we all respect and admire. And with posts like this it’s not hard to see why. He employs a wide range of advanced epistolary devices, with the italics and the winking smilie being particularly effective. I had heard the exploits of the Tantalus crew explained before, but in that post D stirred new feelings in me that I had not thought possible.
Originally Posted by
Big D
Cid told
Baku to rescue Garnet, but the rest of Tantalus were apparently in the dark about all that - it comes as something of a revelation when Zidane finally hears it from Cid
D’s first foe is foa, who I understand is not a gentleman at all. Yet she overcomes this notable handicap to be one of the eminent contributors to these forums. The post below is a typically splendid work. Notice the masterful rhetorical pacing in the opposi
tion of “The point is not...the point is...” Barack Obama would kill for that kind of speechwriting. And he could do much worse than fire_of_avalon, who shows herself to be a true patriot, dedicated to alleviating the plight of the American worker.
Originally Posted by
fire_of_avalon
The point isn't so much that they'll stop producing. The point is it's a HUGE American company that employs thousands of Americans. If it's bought out by a foreign company that probably won't be the case anymore.
Flying Mullet is a fellow of great intelligence and verve, and his intelligency and vervaciousness are immediately recognisable in his posting. To be quite honest with you, when I read the following quote I was unsure whether I should class it as a post on an internet forum or as an epigram of dazzling poetic cleverness. The suspense engendered by the ellipsis left me literally on the edge of my seat, and the alliteration is the second sentence (“his movies will make more money”) is simply gorgeous.
Originally Posted by
Flying Mullet
The problem is he's doing this to generate publicity for his movies...and it's working. Which means his movies will make more money and he'll get to make more movies in the future.
Heath is our next nominee, and a damn fine one he is too. He is both hilarious and charming, but most importantly he is an exceedingly moral man. Watch how he eschews the convenience of fast food in order to support small local businesses. Even more astonishing, the man puts his very life at risk by venturing into Liverpool! Yet he does not gloat or strut, and like a true philanthropist his points are thoughtful and balanced. The man is a model for all of us.
Originally Posted by
Heath
Well actually, I could argue that obese people do hurt me because hospital resources and tax money is spent treating them and that the increased burden on the NHS does hurt me if I ever need treatment.
I think McDonalds is just a symbol of obesity really. There are many, many ways in which obesity has become a problem and McDonalds is simply one of them. I don't think it's the central cause at all, but it and other fast food chains are certainly a contributor.
As for the food itself, it's the type of restaurant I'll only visit if nothing else is on offer. Like if I go to Liverpool on the train and I've only twenty minutes or so in Chester to get something to eat, McDonalds is an option then because it's quick to get and run back to the train station with. If something other than fast food is on other, such as sandwiches (not Subway because I find it too expensive), I'll take that instead. Besides, a portion of chips from the chippy is cheaper (and nicer) than a meal from McDonalds if I want something unhealthy.
Next up is a man whose name is enough to embrangle any sentence in confusion: I’m my own MILF. Simply put, MILFy could talk the neck off a giraffe. And probably has. The only reason he didn’t tell anyone about it is because he was simultaneously doing something even more impressive like seducing the Pope. I dearly hope that I never get on the wrong side of an argument with him, lest he talk the neck or pants off of me! I shall say only one more thing of MILF: the man knows how to drive home a point. I don’t even know who he’s talking about in this post, and I’m still quite convinced that he’s correct.
Originally Posted by
I'm my own MILF
Sarah Fleming Walsh is the best god damned grandmother anybody has ever had, fact.
Our sixth nominee is Miriel. Miriel’s posting prowess is such that it can spark dull threads into life, and turn good threads into classic ones. EoFFologists have studied this “Miriel Effect” and have hypothesised that the addition of Miriel increases thread quality by up to 355%. I don’t understand that figure, but I do understand that this is the best rice-related post I have ever seen. Never before has the subject of rice been tackled so comprehensively and with such insight. If this post does not make you question everything you knew about rice, then you are either illiterate or Miriel.
Originally Posted by
Miriel
Rice pilaf, spanish rice, etc, are side dishes.
Fried rice in itself can be a complete meal.
Sticky rice is always gonna be a main component of a meal, but without side dishes, sticky rice is useless. But without sticky rice and only side dishes, the meal isn't complete either. Imagine curry without rice. That's just weird. But then imagine plain rice without curry. That's weird too.
I eat a ton of rice. I'd say about 1/3 of the meals I eat, I eat with rice. And about 70% of the time, the meal would not make sense without rice to go along with it.
I think it's more appropriate to think of rice as a base for a meal rather than a side or main dish.
Old Manus is nominee number seven, but he won’t need luck to succeed in this Ciddie. Manus’ greatest asset is his wit, which is so dry that it makes Oscar Wilde look like Benny Hill. His sardonic barbs are so scathing that, on a good day, he can actually physically hurt people just by mocking them. For your protection, therefore, the selected quote is directed at nobody in particular, and shouldn’t harm you unless you are from Scotland. If you are from Scotland, it’s probably best to stop reading now, because your safety is not guaranteed.
Originally Posted by
Old Manus
Oh, I know Scotchland, it's a State in England?
Up next is Psychotic. Seeing as how it is no longer permissible to say that Psy will win every award he is nominated for I shall have to think of something else. Perhaps I will mention that he is an extremely creative and funny individual. Or maybe I’ll talk about how his contributions are regularly high points of the threads he posts in. No wait, I’ve got it. All you need to know about Psychotic is this:
the man does not need verbs.
Originally Posted by
Psychotic
GoldenEye, £2. Mmmmmm yes.
Rantzien is a chap who has been making waves in the EoFF community in recent months. These waves are actually only metaphors, but it is very difficult to make actual waves on the internet so this should not be counted against him. Besides, this Ciddie is not about wavemaking or any such nonsense, so all you guys need to know about is the quality of Rantzien’s posting. And that quality is exceptionally high. His posting history is an Ikea catalogue of inventiveness, and in any given post you will find meatballs of wisdom and fjords of hilarity. The superb content is complemented by Rantzien’s expert grasp of form. Notice how the selected post effortlessly employs the List Tag. For a lesser member this could have ended in disaster, but Rantzien wields it as if it were a mere Bold Tag!
Originally Posted by
Rantzien
How to enjoy Wakka:
- Make sure his ball isn't poisonous.
- Grab his ball
- What the hell, Rantzien. Stop this nonsense immediately.
- null
EoFF’s next nominee for this award is Roto13. Roto’s selection marks a great day for inter-post colour relations, as he is a grey text poster in a category traditionally dominated by white text. Roto serves as an inspiration for other coloured-text posters, and brings us one step closer to the dream of a world in which texts of all shades are respresented in the Ciddies. This is not Roto’s only dream, however, as the post below shows. Simple and to the point, he articulates a manifesto that we can all get behind. Such a visionary is surely worthy of this Ciddie. Will he make history today?
Originally Posted by
Roto13
I'm all for anything that brings the possibility for a real-life Sniper Wolf.
Finally (finally!) we have rubah. rubah is a paragon of virtue and an astonishingly talented poster. In the post shown here, she not only uses the thoroughly badass irony mark, but also links us to a neat Wikipedia article, demonstrates some Grade A Fake Anger sarcasm, references RSL
and zings the entire Feedback Forum. In four sentences! That is a frightening concentration of awesomeness. Most posters would need at least four paragraphs to produce a post of this quality. It’s the efficiency of rubah that makes her a worthy selection for the Best Ciddie category.
Originally Posted by
rubah
Cant you guys just use the irony mark like anyone else?
C'mon, I can't be your mother all the time؟
Actually, people have been making do with the lack of a true
sarcasm mark.
Also, false anger as sarcasm is
IF YOU FORGET THIS, RSL CRIES FROM HEAVEN.
That’s all of ‘em! This is one of the tightest awards, and with arguably the strongest field of members to choose from. Any one of these posters is a potential winner, and even if they don’t win this Ciddie they’ll still have their unrelenting brilliance to fall back on. But as we all know, unrelenting brilliance doesn’t mean a thing without a shiny statuette to back it up, so let’s wish all the nominees good luck and get down to the business of revealing EoFF’s Best Poster!
