I'm Paul and I want to be your friend. Please pick me.

I wish I had a job but nobody will give one to me and when I tell people that, they say "oh it's because of the recession" and I sigh and agree, but really it's because I don't have the guts to tell them it's probably because I'm a registered sex offender. (I don't want to get into it, let's just say that I did some things that I shouldn't have done, and some turkeys shouldn't have dressed so sluttily, and leave it at that)

If you own a bank, please give me a job. I have special pills. They block out the thoughts 90% of the time, so it's cool. Just uh, just keep me away from poultry. Thanks in advance!