Welcome to AK plays FFVII!

Commence Chapter 1!



You start off by being showed a cutscene where two gaurds get beat up by girls, while our hero waits until the fight's over. Some black guy shouts at me, so I might as well come out and pillage the corpses.



1. Who am I talking to? The fat twitchy guy in the corner, or the one that looks like a girl?
2. Why am I even listening?



Brilliant remark there, maybe ask it before you go on the secret terrorist mission next time. It explains why it takes so long to open a freaking door though.



That's because I didn't give it to you. Go away, I don't like you.



Instead of weather phenomenoms, I decide to give him a more down to earth name such a Richard.

..but you can call him Dick.



Where are we supposed to go? There is like 3 feet of space here. Maybe if you didn't have Jessie Mcduds working on the door there, we would've been inside by now.

Strange that the most powerful organisation on the planet couldn't capture this bumbling group of idiots.



I decide to name the Black dude Bert. Because a name with such a gay vibe just sounds right.

After introducing himself, he seems to start telling me how to run. Are you serious? I'm a mercenary that doesn't know how to run? I'm not really growing all that confident about Dick.



So I head inside and get attacked by this crazy octopus-dog hybrid about the same size as Dick himself. I haven't watched much cop shows, but it seems like Dick is going to get ripped apart.

But no! He does 6 damage? 6!?

Obviously, Richard slices the dog in two and cell him at the local chinese take-out for some gil.



So we get inside and Bert starts giving me a speech about blood and some sort of tree sex, and I hear Richard say the first decent thing of the day.



Wtf? Did he just go in me? How did a 6 foot black guy just go inside me?...

...maybe we shouldn't ask that question.

Either Bert is some sort of ghost or I was really right on the money with the name.



You know, I'm all for micro-management, but couldn't you just tell each other the codes?

AVALANCHE doesn't seem to be the smartest group, but what do you expect anyway from a group with such a name.



Make up your mind. Is it a switch, or is it a button?



Bert came out of(or in?) me talking about the time he had a colonoscopy.



After a little talk he suddenly seemed to suffer from an extreme case of Parkinson's disease, while standing in provocative positions.

Don't look Richard! You'll just spur him on.



Turns out Bert has a 50mm chain guy grafted into his arm. How the hell does he even control that? Mind control? Secret button?

Never mind that, where does he keep the ammo?

People bitch about the gunsword, but I find this one to be just as ridiculous.

Anyway, after beating the crap out of the little machines with a 400 pound sword, we save the game.

Next time in Chapter 2: Will Dick escape the reactor in time? Will several soldiers gang-rape him in an alley? Will he enjoy it?

Tune in next time at AK plays FFVII.