Final Fantasy VII Troll Competition - Final Round!

[Del Murder]

Registration is closed. I'll post up round one shortly.

[arcanedude34]

Awesome, I just had an argument with my friend (kinda) and need to vent. This works for me. : D

[squiike]

Omg tifa got big braestssS!!!11one11!!! which do u think is best? tifa or aerizzzZ? breast over brain yeah! omgz rolf. And i absolutely love the One winged angel song! omg they sing in a language i cant understand and its so mysterious and uber cool!

and sephiroth is teh sexxorz

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Edit: i dont care for signups, im venting now!

[Del Murder]

Well, round 1 was basically going to be reply to a simple FFVII fanboyish post. I was going to make it up myself but I'll let squiike do my work for me! So contestants, please reply to the following post using all your troll skills. Reply in this thread and make sure you quote the post so that I know it's your entry. I'll give you all two days, perhaps longer if I don't get many replies.

Omg tifa got big braestssS!!!11one11!!! which do u think is best? tifa or aerizzzZ? breast over brain yeah! omgz rolf. And i absolutely love the One winged angel song! omg they sing in a language i cant understand and its so mysterious and uber cool!

and sephiroth is teh sexxorz

[Wolf Kanno]

Omg tifa got big braestssS!!!11one11!!! which do u think is best? tifa or aerizzzZ? breast over brain yeah! omgz rolf. And i absolutely love the One winged angel song! omg they sing in a language i cant understand and its so mysterious and uber cool!

and sephiroth is teh sexxorz

Such an intelligent post requires a thorough and specialized breakdown of its components in order to answer to the best of my ability and to make sure that each question is answered to a satisfactory level. Let us begin:

Omg tifa got big braestssS!!!

I am not quite sure what BraestssS are. Though if I were to take an educated guess, I would think you were referring to, in your overly enthusiastic manner, Brest, the seaport in France that served as a submarine dock for Germany in WWII, or you meant Breast as in the feminine anaotomy. Since I feel its obvious that you cannot be referring to the first definition, I will assume its the second since you have apparently come of age and realized what that "skin stick" in your trousers is for.

In the case of this second defintion, I would hope she would have breasts unless there was a breast cancer subplot I didn't know about cause its only revealed in the Ultimania Alpha Omega 2nd edition. They release so many its hard to keep track of sometimes.

11one11!!!

Actually I would hope she has two breasts unless you mean breast in the plural sense. Then again, I could be missing that wonderful rewrite in the Compilation Ultimaina.

which do u think is best?

Seriously? My options are limited, the right breast or the left... She always looked anatomically correct in some pictures but I guess with your obvious study upon her pictures, you may notice that one is slightly bigger. To humor you, I will say the left one is definetly superior.

tifa or aerizzzZ?

Oh, you meant who was the best between these two... I guess I'll choose the one that is still alive since its obvious my chances of getting with this fictional character is better if she is alive. Course Necrophilia might be popular in your junior high.

breast over brain yeah!

Obviously this is a rhetorical question, seeing as how Aerith decided to go off alone to use Holy and got herself killed. I feel its obvious she isn't the smart one. Of course, Tifa kept world shattering secrets from Cloud, cause obviously the longer you wait to tell him the less likely he'll think he's nuts. Right...?

And i absolutely love the One winged angel song! omg they sing in a language i cant understand and its so mysterious and uber cool!

Seeing as it translates to "I'm angry and my name is Sephiroth" I can see why it had to be cleverly disguised in another language so the teenage angst was not overly apparent. I can understand how someone of your striking intellect could understand the true depth and prose of the lyrics and musical score and even relate to its character defining lyrics despite not knowing what they are singing. Truly, VII fans are gods among men.

and sephiroth is teh sexxorz

I must say I am terribly excited about the prospect that this game may lead you to making a life choice that could possibly lead you to never breeding. Don't worry about not having any progeny as you will be reincarnated through the Lifestream or something like that so you are eternal.

Regretfully though, I need to inform you that your future prospects with Sephiroth are not likely. First, he's not real but that doesn't necessarily mean you can't print pictures of him and have your way with them. Instead, the other issue is that Sephiroth only loves his mother. Deeply, its obvious from the game canon that Sephiroth has no interest in woman, how else can you explain his ability to not be memorized by Tifa's breast. I mean look at them...

Please keep both hands on the keyboard as you read this! Anyway...
Jenova will be the only woman for Sephiroth, course it seems obvious he does like things that have Jenova in them so feel comfort in knowing that it is still likely that your 500 page manifesto on Cloud/Sephiroth/Zack slash flick is still canoncial as both Cloud and Zack have Jenova cells in them and thus explains his rather unhealthy obsession with them and all the wonderful sexual tension they have in the scenes with each other.

Thank you for bringing your wonderful enlightenment to our forums.

[Del Murder]

Wow, setting the bar high...

[Momiji]

My turn. It's gonna be hard to surpass what Wolf Kanno did.

Omg tifa got big braestssS!!!11one11!!! which do u think is best? tifa or aerizzzZ? breast over brain yeah! omgz rolf. And i absolutely love the One winged angel song! omg they sing in a language i cant understand and its so mysterious and uber cool!

and sephiroth is teh sexxorz

'Scuse me, did you actually think when you typed that or were you too busy fapping to the impaled flower girl to type legibly? I know that it takes practice to type with one hand, but it can be done. And what now-- why do people find Tifa's large breasts to be so appealing? Don't you have any sympathy to the fact that those things probably kill her back, you chauvinistic bastard? I'm surprised she doesn't use them as weapons, they look so heavy. And yet here you are, goggling at them like she's some sort of object. Pig. You remind me of a certain guy who claims to be in love with Chun-Li. Do you want to be like him? Do you? DO YOU?

On that note, have you ever noticed that the polygons for Tifa's boobs and ass take up pretty much all of her body? Square was definitely trying to accomodate to the fantasies of 13-year old boys in all of their sexual tension. Yes, I'm very sure that many an adolescent discovered masturbation when they played FFVII. Enjoy it, kid. It's all the action you're ever gonna get if all you care about is the T&A.

And then we have Aeris. She totally appeals to two crowds: the guys with a penchant for cute, kindhearted girls, and guys with guro fetishes. That's right, while you were bawling over her dying, some guy was out there getting off to her. I hope that makes you feel worse about it. Now, I know you're thinking 'This guy are sick', but let me tell you, once the excitement of fapping to Tifa goes away, you'll develop other interests. You'll become curious. You'll explore new types of sexual gratification and deviation. Mark my words, one day you will become as disgusting and twisted as that guy who are sick, and and you, yes YOU, will be getting off to Aeris' death too.

As for who is better? Neither. They both suck. You'll realize that too by the time you get Yuffie and develop a desire for jailbait. That or when you get Red XIII and realize you've been a furry all along. Or maybe... Cait Sith? Now, I don't know or want to know what you do behind closed doors, but I worry that many sexual deviations stem from the garbage that is Final Fantasy VII. It turns boys not into men, but disgusting pigs who will eventually become /b/tards. You laugh now, but just you wait. The prophesy will fulfill itself when you find yourself making a thread titled 'sup /b/ look what I fapped to' with a picture of Aeris guro hentai.

Oh? You like One Winged Angel? Join the rest of the Narutards who make AMVs to that song with scenes from that sux animu and post it on YouTube so you can be trolled by the perpetually retarded populace. Gonna join a Final Fantasy forum or other site with some stupid variation of the title too, like 1_wingd_angle or something? Does the song make you feel dark and mysterious and full of fury? Don't worry, you'll discover Linkin Park and Slipknot soon enough. They at least sing in English, so you don't have to look like a douche when you post Latin lyrics in your signature when you have no idea what they mean.

Are you sure Sephiroth is 'teh sexxorz'? Do you know how many yaoi doujinshi manga he's been in? Do you know how many times he's taken it in the butt from Cloud, Barret, Vincent, or any other male character in the series that some fujoshi thought up in a few minutes for fanon fetishery? Or is it that you want to be like the the autistic savant of magic and swordplay with serious mommy issues? Go ahead and cosplay like him so we can all laugh. You may think you may look like a badass, but what I see...


So go ahead, worship this garbage game. Talk to me when you want to play something good. Until then, I wish you would just go off yourself by means of slitting both of your wrists like you'll just do in 10 years anyway, when you realize you'll go nowhere in life... but unfortunately, that takes two hands, and since you seem to always be busy with one of them, stroking your Masamune-- or paring knife-- I'd suggest autoerotic asphyxiation. What a way to go.

*adjusts glasses and walks away*

EDIT: None of this post was aimed at squiike in any way. Please do not take offense! :kaobeg:

[Jessweeee♪]

Omg tifa got big braestssS!!!11one11!!! which do u think is best? tifa or aerizzzZ? breast over brain yeah! omgz rolf. And i absolutely love the One winged angel song! omg they sing in a language i cant understand and its so mysterious and uber cool!

and sephiroth is teh sexxorz

Tifa or Aeris? Hmmm...well on one hand, all Tifa has going for her is her bewbage. She has zero personality and her limit sucks, which is pretty bad seeing as that's the only thing that makes characters unique in this game. Really she's just an example of just how sexist Square can be. As for Aeris, WTF did she even die for? She just ran off all of the sudden to get Holy or something, dies, and they don't even use it. And she has shoulder pads. Shoulder pads. Or else they're those poofy princess sleeves, but that would be even worse. So yeah, Aeris because at the very least I'm not offended by her.

One-Winged Angel is...bearable. My brother and I laughed the first time we heard it to be honest, it was just so cheesy and overly dramatic. DUN. DUN. DUN. DUN. DUN. DUN. DUN. DUN. DADADADADADADADA DADADADADADADADA. Now if you wanna hear some REAL final boss music, FFX is the way to go.

[Rostum]

You remind me of a certain [URL="http://thehealingtouch.wordpress.com/2009/02/27/the-bastard-gamer-street-fighter-iv/"]guy who claims to be in love with Chun-Li.[/URL

Lmao, well played sir, well played.

[Jiro]

I would disgrace the standard set in this competition if I tried xD
(I would like to respectfully withdraw, if at all possible)

[Bahamut2000X]

First and foremost, nothing trolled and flamed here is against Squiike personally.
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Omg tifa got big braestssS!!!11one11!!! which do u think is best? tifa or aerizzzZ? breast over brain yeah! omgz rolf. And i absolutely love the One winged angel song! omg they sing in a language i cant understand and its so mysterious and uber cool!

Tifa or Aeris? Ya typical fanboy response, you know there's other females in the game other then those 2. Hell their not even good choices, Tifa is nothing more then the large boobed eye candy of the game who is basically Laura Croft in Asian form, stripped of any and all personality. Aeris is your atypical girly-girl in a dress "Oh I must save the Earth and be all about love and peace" she's an effing hippy! We all know where love and peace gets you in a fighting game...



So if your into doing dead hippy girls, by all means go ahead. And about Tifa, rather then waste time drooling over a fake 3-d polygon with boobs, why don't you just go out to some party and meet REAL women with REAL breasts? OH wait, that might not be possible for you cause of this...

and sephiroth is teh sexxorz

Clearly your gay. I mean seriously, your oogling over a dude! Granted a very girly looking dude, but a dude none the less! And he's emo for crying out loud!



Let's not forget he's sword is clearly compensation issues. In fact I bet is Sephiroth had a larger girth, we wouldn't be talking about how terrible a villain he is now, and be oogling over the other better villains in the game. Don't even get me started on how he's a momma's boy. He spends the whole game crying and looking for his mama. Of all 12 lines Sephiroth utters in the game, at least 95% includes talks on his mom. And you know WHY he's obsessed with his mom? Ever fight her final form? You know with all those tentacles? :yamete: Ya, dude is one sick mofo. Of course this solidifies my belief that he's just an inbred lesbian chick in disguise. I mean no dude would be into tentacle rape, but if it were a chick pretending to be a man, well that explains everything. Though that leaves the fact that she's a very manly looking dude. Ergo your still gay for loving a manly looking chick.

And lastly, One Winged Angel? Come on, terrible song, seriously now. In Sephiroth's final form he CLEARLY has 7 wings. How can he be called a ONE winged angel when he has SEVEN of them is clearly beyond me. Beyond the idiocy of the name, is all the ooohs and aaahhs it gets for having some latin in it. You know what else has latin in it? A medical text book, and you don't see people about spasm over hearing latin in there!

[Vermachtnis]

There is no way I can beat Wolfie or Momiji. Those was too funny, but here's my shot anyway.

Omg tifa got big braestssS!!!11one11!!! which do u think is best? tifa or aerizzzZ? breast over brain yeah! omgz rolf. And i absolutely love the One winged angel song! omg they sing in a language i cant understand and its so mysterious and uber cool!

and sephiroth is teh sexxorz

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Edit: i dont care for signups, im venting now!

You owe me $273, a dollar for every braincell you broke trying to read that garbled mess of a post. Yes, Tifa does indeed have big breasts. But that's the only part of her that's well endowed. Poor Aeris doesn't even have that going for her. All she's got is her stick. If you know what I mean, which you probably don't.

As for your question, my answer is Jesse. Obviously the best girl in the game. She had a chance for some character development that had nothing to do with Cloud or Nibleheim or Zack or SOLDIER. The writers saw this and decide to squeeze her innards out like toothpaste two hours into the game. And it went downhill from there and sadly this game is a lot, lot, loooooot longer than two hours.

I don't know about your human anatomy, but my brain is located above my breast. But of course your major thinking area is located a bit south isn't it?

One Wing Angel is cool because it's in a different language you can't understand? It's in Latin and Latin is a class taken by nerds. Therefor that song is not cool. Just because something is foreign does not automatically make it cool. That's what's wrong with the american youth nowadays. Outsourcing there cartoons to Asia and the like. What with there big eyes and little mouths and their desus. Saying words they don't know. Watching in subtitles because they claim they have more feeling when they don't even know! Idiots!

No Sephiroth is not sexy. It has long gray hair and a black trench coat. It's dark and broading because it is actually a flat chested woman with a deep voice. And that is so not sexy. And the reason her sword is so long isn't because he's compensating, no it's for the same reason Aeris had a stick with her at all times. Yea, that's right, She likes it when it hurts!

And of course you're not going to follow the rules and do your own thing. You like Final Fantasy VII, your edgey! OOooooooh!

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DISCLAIMER: I mean no offense to you Squii or you nerdy kids who took Latin. It was all for fun. But I meant every word about subtitle watchers!

[Del Murder]

You don't have to beat everyone to move on. 6 of 10 will probably move on to round 2.

[Yar]

You guys aren't trying hard enough.

[Aerith's Knight]

I could probably have some fun of my own picking out the amazing number of spelling errors from these entries.