Final Fantasy VII Troll Competition - Final Round!

[Vermachtnis]

1. New information about the Final Fantasy VII remake

YAY! OMFG I bet you guys can't wait. Well hold those burstin' nutbladders for half a second. It's a hoax. I don't even have to read your posts to know that. And here's why. It's been twelve years since VII came out and that's such and ugly number to release anything to. They still need to remake V and VI on the DS, which by the way are far superior to VII. And if they remade it now, one of the Jonas Brothers would end up voicing Sephiroth. Don't get me wrong, the boy band guy they got in the first Kingdom Hearts wasn't bad, but he wasn't in the 2nd one was he?

And most importantly a remake will come as a last ditch effort to make money after years and years of horrible spin offs and movies and they have milked the money cow as hard as they could. They can keep doing this and it's all your fault! Because you keep buying with Final Fantasy VII thrown in front of it! And I mean that literally, if they sold a pile of Red XIII excrement you would buy it! You are what's wrong with the gaming community today!

[arcanedude34]

Bleh, this is kinda boring. I'm dropping out, later.

[Heath]

2. How to get Spheroth on Final fantasy seven?

I'm feeling nice so I'll actually tell you.

I'm guessing that you've passed the first disc and so you've missed three times to recruit Sephiroth (Junon Harbour, Rocket Town hotel and Kalm).

First of all, you'll need at least one of the 1/35 Soldiers that appear throughout the game, you'll need the replica Masamune available from Golden Saucer (and frankly if you can't manage to get this, then you don't deserve to use Sephiroth) and the Mime materia.

First of all, ensure that you're on Disc 3 and the only people in your team are Aeris and Cloud. Equip Aeris with the Mime materia. Now, at this point, you'll need to return to Midgar so go to the Bone Village and dig up the key to reenter the slums. Work your way through the slums until you find that bloke in the pipe. Press square to challenge him to a came of Tetra Master/Triple Triad (the game you get depends on whether you're playing the PAL or the NTSC version of the game). Lose this game four times, win your fifth game and lose your sixth. He'll comment on how to beat the game, your fighting ability will need to be better than your card playing abilities. Tell him, using the name entry screen, that your fighting is worse. Sometimes it takes a few times to actually challenge him, so just keep pressing square until it works. If not, then refer to a reputable site like Wikipedia to check you're doing it right.

He'll relay you some SPECIFIC COORDINATES. Now you'd normally just put these into the Highwind computer, but since the ty developers didn't do that, you'll have to follow my instructions. Fly to Golden Saucer and fly due south-south-west for six miles. Turn 19 degrees and travel for a further sixteen miles. The game will cut away to a cut scene and Aeris will say something ridiculous. Use your mime materia to copy what she said and she'll accuse you of not taking her seriously. Out of the shadows, Sephiroth will appear and urge you to take him seriously. He'll use his powers to send you to Rocket Town seven years before. During this short interlude it's possible to recruit Shera, but I don't normally bother. There's plenty of threads on that anyway. Go into the hotel and you'll see Sephiroth there, attacking the patron. Aeris will shout about how bad it is and he'll charge at her with himself his sword. He'll stop just short and ask what he's doing wrong.

THIS NEXT BIT IS VERY IMPORTANT

Ensure that you give the following answers in this order:

"Tell that to the people of Nibelheim."
"You were my hero!"
"What do you mean?"
"Tifa's available for a quick one if you fancy"
"No one is pure evil."
"Our friendship has pulled us through"
"Face your demons"
"Join us"
"..."
and when he asks where you intend to go next on your journey, DO NOT PICK THE NORTH CRATER. This will cause the game to freeze. Instead, pick "The Honey Bee Inn."

What follows next is a bit risqué, but I think after that hard work recruiting Sephiroth, you deserve it.

[Wolf Kanno]

3. How to revive Aeris

To be perfectly honest with everyone writing this thread, I feel this a terribly inappropriate topic to be talking about in a video game forum; especially in the VII forum since this is definetly a topic more for EoEO.

How its been going on for over 30 pages is beyond me but I guess this would be a common problem for people from your generation so I guess I can offer a bit of advice for you.

Since I'm certain you are all aware that reviving Aerith (its Aerith not Aeris, at least have the decency to know about the games you obsess over correctly) is impossible. The bitch is dead and is either worm food or more likely bloated and rotting in the middle of the lake in the City of the Ancients. Of course, I'm certain you all are smart enough to understand this; so this thread obviously is about how to relieve "Wanker's Cramp" caused by Aerith(Aeris). Which is obviously the cute nickname you gave your "dirty hand".

The best ways to relieve the sore sensation of "Wanker's Cramp" is to do the following:

1) Keep your videogame time to a minimum so you don't add extra strain.
2) Rub muscle relaxant on your arms
3) Use proper exercise for forearm strength
4) Try to have your "sexy internet time" a couple of days apart to allow "Aerith" to rest. Not to mention "Little Cloud" or Little Zack" (depending on what you decide to name it) also needs some rest as well.

You could also avoid all this by going outside once in awhile and finding yourself a girlfriend/boyfriend and let them worry about this. Course you are all probably doing this cause its the fun way to get "Popeye arms" so you can go that extra mile to be like your hero for life, Cloud. Yet, I feel I should warn you that "Wanker's Cramp" is a serious condition and one that shouldn't be taken lightly. May my advice help you for your future cosplay dreams.

[Momiji]

Sorry, I had some unexpected stuff come up these past couple of days.

I'll try to get my submission in tomorrow. Is that okay, Del?

[Del Murder]

That's cool.

[Momiji]

Okay, first of all, sorry for the delay.

Anyway...

How to get Spheroth on Final fantasy seven?

You would want that wouldn't you? Haven't you ever tried using Google before? Are you THAT cheap that you can't just buy a GameShark? Seriously, they've gotta be selling by the nickel now...

But of course, since you seem to enjoy letting stupid comments and requests and thoughts flow from your fingers just as the allergenic misery flows from my nose, I'll answer in an equally stupid response with the REAL WAY TO GET SEPHIROTH!

First of all, to get what I THINK you wanted to say was Sephiroth, you need to follow these instructions exactly. You'll have to restart if you screw up.

1. First of all, this has to be on a first edition run of the game, from Japan. That's right, you have to take a step above the common wapanese and actually attempt to learn Japanese to play this.
2. Turn on your EcksbawksWii60Station3, and insert the disc, and close the tray.
3. Keep in mind that you MUST NOT SAVE YOUR GAME THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE PLAYTHROUGH!!!!!!!!! VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!!
4. Start singing 'One Winged Angel' perfectly during the opening video of the game. If you do it right, you should see Sephiroth's face instead of Aeris' face during the video.
5. During the Nibelheim flashback, you'll need to spend exactly 6 hours, 6 minutes, and 6 seconds using Sephiroth in the random encounters. No more, no less!
6. Okay, here's where it gets really tricky. When you get to the scene where Sephiroth kills Aeris, open the CD tray right as Sephiroth is about to appear. Now, insert the third disc of Final Fantasy VIII, and wait 20 minutes. As long as you don't turn off the system or press any buttons, your progress will not be erased. However, if you sing the Chocobo theme for 5 minutes straight, you do not have to wait the entire 20 minutes. Inserting the FFVIII disc is important because if you want Sephiroth in your party, you need a new villain. Doing this will make Ultimecia the final boss instead.
7. Take out the FFVIII disc and re-insert the FFVII disc-- upside down this time. Doing this will reverse the fall, as if Sephiroth never came down to begin with. Instead, Sephiroth will push Squall (who happens to appear when you insert the FFVIII disc) down and he will kill Aeris. This will naturally piss off Cloud and company, so be ready for a fight. Of course, you can't defeat Squall since he's a better character than every FFVII character combined, so you just have to lose the battle.
8. With the rest of the FFVII party dead, you will now controll Squall for the rest of the game. It's a solo run for a while, so do your best!
9. Breed 4 gold chocobos and give them these names in this order:
1. "The Game"
2. "Lost"
3. "Just"
4. "You"
10. Now, take these 4 chocobos one by one to the hidden place on the map where you find 10 Knights of the Round materia. Useless of course, since Squall uses Junctions, not Materia. Still, you must do this!
11. Now, go to Battle Square in the Gold Saucer. Play until you have enough points for Omnislash, and buy it. Be sure you collect 66 Tissues as well. (You thought those were worthless, didn't you?)
12. Now, junction Omnislash to your Gunblade, and go back into Battle Square. Survive to the end, and there you will find Sephiroth. Defeat him. Don't worry, you won't kill him.
13. When defeated, Sephiroth will start to run away.
14. You have exactly 5 seconds to name your Gold Chocobos in reverse order. Sephiroth will turn around and stab Squall for mentioning that. Since you now no longer have any playable characters, Sephiroth will tell you that you must help him defeat Ultimecia so he can be the one to destroy the Planet.

Congratulations, you now can control Sephiroth for the rest of the game. Enjoy.

[Del Murder]

On to round 2 voting! Another person has dropped out so there are 5 entries. You may vote for up to two of them. Please pm your votes. Contestants who vote must vote for two.

Entries follow:

Flying Mullet

3. How to revive Aeris

1) Print the following portrait image and cut it out:


2) When Yuffie joins your party, be sure to name her "Aeris". If Yuffie is already in your party and you didn't name her "Aeris", then you cannot revive her.

3) After Aeris dies, whenever Yuffie, now named "Aeris", is on-screen, put your Aeris potrait cut-out over her face and presto!, you've revived Aeris.

In Final Fantasy VI, after you get the secret books in Cyan's cave in Mt. Zozo if you press the confirm button on the books 255 times each you will see a password in the description box of the items screen where it shows the descriptions for the books, "a book of tools..." or whatever. Write this password down and then go fire up FFVII. Get into battle with a character with a mastered "Revive" materia. Get into battle and kill and revive the enemies in it using Life2 (weaker enemies are easier to do this with), it doesn't matter which enemies or if it's the same one, for a combined total of 255 times (because of the large MP consumption needed, you'll need a lot of Elixirs or such, and the W-Item item duplication trick helps with this). After the battle you will find the Mythril Phoenix, which you take to the guy that collects Mythril. Give him the Mythirl Phoenix and he will ask you if you would like to use the Phoenix's power to see an old friend. Answer "Yes, I would like that" and he will ask you for the password. Enter it correctly and he will tell you that your friend is looking for you. Go to the forests by Junon where Yuffie first meets your party and you will meet Aeris in battle much the same way, except she rejoins you, similar to the way Gau does when he joins your party in FFVI.

(SPOILER)I wrote these in the past but I don't know if they'll count. I'm still proud of them and I had to share them.

Vermachtnis

1. New information about the Final Fantasy VII remake

YAY! OMFG I bet you guys can't wait. Well hold those burstin' nutbladders for half a second. It's a hoax. I don't even have to read your posts to know that. And here's why. It's been twelve years since VII came out and that's such and ugly number to release anything to. They still need to remake V and VI on the DS, which by the way are far superior to VII. And if they remade it now, one of the Jonas Brothers would end up voicing Sephiroth. Don't get me wrong, the boy band guy they got in the first Kingdom Hearts wasn't bad, but he wasn't in the 2nd one was he?

And most importantly a remake will come as a last ditch effort to make money after years and years of horrible spin offs and movies and they have milked the money cow as hard as they could. They can keep doing this and it's all your fault! Because you keep buying with Final Fantasy VII thrown in front of it! And I mean that literally, if they sold a pile of Red XIII excrement you would buy it! You are what's wrong with the gaming community today!

Heath

2. How to get Spheroth on Final fantasy seven?

I'm feeling nice so I'll actually tell you.

I'm guessing that you've passed the first disc and so you've missed three times to recruit Sephiroth (Junon Harbour, Rocket Town hotel and Kalm).

First of all, you'll need at least one of the 1/35 Soldiers that appear throughout the game, you'll need the replica Masamune available from Golden Saucer (and frankly if you can't manage to get this, then you don't deserve to use Sephiroth) and the Mime materia.

First of all, ensure that you're on Disc 3 and the only people in your team are Aeris and Cloud. Equip Aeris with the Mime materia. Now, at this point, you'll need to return to Midgar so go to the Bone Village and dig up the key to reenter the slums. Work your way through the slums until you find that bloke in the pipe. Press square to challenge him to a came of Tetra Master/Triple Triad (the game you get depends on whether you're playing the PAL or the NTSC version of the game). Lose this game four times, win your fifth game and lose your sixth. He'll comment on how to beat the game, your fighting ability will need to be better than your card playing abilities. Tell him, using the name entry screen, that your fighting is worse. Sometimes it takes a few times to actually challenge him, so just keep pressing square until it works. If not, then refer to a reputable site like Wikipedia to check you're doing it right.

He'll relay you some SPECIFIC COORDINATES. Now you'd normally just put these into the Highwind computer, but since the ty developers didn't do that, you'll have to follow my instructions. Fly to Golden Saucer and fly due south-south-west for six miles. Turn 19 degrees and travel for a further sixteen miles. The game will cut away to a cut scene and Aeris will say something ridiculous. Use your mime materia to copy what she said and she'll accuse you of not taking her seriously. Out of the shadows, Sephiroth will appear and urge you to take him seriously. He'll use his powers to send you to Rocket Town seven years before. During this short interlude it's possible to recruit Shera, but I don't normally bother. There's plenty of threads on that anyway. Go into the hotel and you'll see Sephiroth there, attacking the patron. Aeris will shout about how bad it is and he'll charge at her with himself his sword. He'll stop just short and ask what he's doing wrong.

THIS NEXT BIT IS VERY IMPORTANT

Ensure that you give the following answers in this order:

"Tell that to the people of Nibelheim."
"You were my hero!"
"What do you mean?"
"Tifa's available for a quick one if you fancy"
"No one is pure evil."
"Our friendship has pulled us through"
"Face your demons"
"Join us"
"..."
and when he asks where you intend to go next on your journey, DO NOT PICK THE NORTH CRATER. This will cause the game to freeze. Instead, pick "The Honey Bee Inn."

What follows next is a bit risqué, but I think after that hard work recruiting Sephiroth, you deserve it.

Wolf Kanno

3. How to revive Aeris

To be perfectly honest with everyone writing this thread, I feel this a terribly inappropriate topic to be talking about in a video game forum; especially in the VII forum since this is definetly a topic more for EoEO.

How its been going on for over 30 pages is beyond me but I guess this would be a common problem for people from your generation so I guess I can offer a bit of advice for you.

Since I'm certain you are all aware that reviving Aerith (its Aerith not Aeris, at least have the decency to know about the games you obsess over correctly) is impossible. The bitch is dead and is either worm food or more likely bloated and rotting in the middle of the lake in the City of the Ancients. Of course, I'm certain you all are smart enough to understand this; so this thread obviously is about how to relieve "Wanker's Cramp" caused by Aerith(Aeris). Which is obviously the cute nickname you gave your "dirty hand".

The best ways to relieve the sore sensation of "Wanker's Cramp" is to do the following:

1) Keep your videogame time to a minimum so you don't add extra strain.
2) Rub muscle relaxant on your arms
3) Use proper exercise for forearm strength
4) Try to have your "sexy internet time" a couple of days apart to allow "Aerith" to rest. Not to mention "Little Cloud" or Little Zack" (depending on what you decide to name it) also needs some rest as well.

You could also avoid all this by going outside once in awhile and finding yourself a girlfriend/boyfriend and let them worry about this. Course you are all probably doing this cause its the fun way to get "Popeye arms" so you can go that extra mile to be like your hero for life, Cloud. Yet, I feel I should warn you that "Wanker's Cramp" is a serious condition and one that shouldn't be taken lightly. May my advice help you for your future cosplay dreams.

Momiji

Okay, first of all, sorry for the delay.

Anyway...

How to get Spheroth on Final fantasy seven?

You would want that wouldn't you? Haven't you ever tried using Google before? Are you THAT cheap that you can't just buy a GameShark? Seriously, they've gotta be selling by the nickel now...

But of course, since you seem to enjoy letting stupid comments and requests and thoughts flow from your fingers just as the allergenic misery flows from my nose, I'll answer in an equally stupid response with the REAL WAY TO GET SEPHIROTH!

First of all, to get what I THINK you wanted to say was Sephiroth, you need to follow these instructions exactly. You'll have to restart if you screw up.

1. First of all, this has to be on a first edition run of the game, from Japan. That's right, you have to take a step above the common wapanese and actually attempt to learn Japanese to play this.
2. Turn on your EcksbawksWii60Station3, and insert the disc, and close the tray.
3. Keep in mind that you MUST NOT SAVE YOUR GAME THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE PLAYTHROUGH!!!!!!!!! VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!!
4. Start singing 'One Winged Angel' perfectly during the opening video of the game. If you do it right, you should see Sephiroth's face instead of Aeris' face during the video.
5. During the Nibelheim flashback, you'll need to spend exactly 6 hours, 6 minutes, and 6 seconds using Sephiroth in the random encounters. No more, no less!
6. Okay, here's where it gets really tricky. When you get to the scene where Sephiroth kills Aeris, open the CD tray right as Sephiroth is about to appear. Now, insert the third disc of Final Fantasy VIII, and wait 20 minutes. As long as you don't turn off the system or press any buttons, your progress will not be erased. However, if you sing the Chocobo theme for 5 minutes straight, you do not have to wait the entire 20 minutes. Inserting the FFVIII disc is important because if you want Sephiroth in your party, you need a new villain. Doing this will make Ultimecia the final boss instead.
7. Take out the FFVIII disc and re-insert the FFVII disc-- upside down this time. Doing this will reverse the fall, as if Sephiroth never came down to begin with. Instead, Sephiroth will push Squall (who happens to appear when you insert the FFVIII disc) down and he will kill Aeris. This will naturally piss off Cloud and company, so be ready for a fight. Of course, you can't defeat Squall since he's a better character than every FFVII character combined, so you just have to lose the battle.
8. With the rest of the FFVII party dead, you will now controll Squall for the rest of the game. It's a solo run for a while, so do your best!
9. Breed 4 gold chocobos and give them these names in this order:
1. "The Game"
2. "Lost"
3. "Just"
4. "You"
10. Now, take these 4 chocobos one by one to the hidden place on the map where you find 10 Knights of the Round materia. Useless of course, since Squall uses Junctions, not Materia. Still, you must do this!
11. Now, go to Battle Square in the Gold Saucer. Play until you have enough points for Omnislash, and buy it. Be sure you collect 66 Tissues as well. (You thought those were worthless, didn't you?)
12. Now, junction Omnislash to your Gunblade, and go back into Battle Square. Survive to the end, and there you will find Sephiroth. Defeat him. Don't worry, you won't kill him.
13. When defeated, Sephiroth will start to run away.
14. You have exactly 5 seconds to name your Gold Chocobos in reverse order. Sephiroth will turn around and stab Squall for mentioning that. Since you now no longer have any playable characters, Sephiroth will tell you that you must help him defeat Ultimecia so he can be the one to destroy the Planet.

Congratulations, you now can control Sephiroth for the rest of the game. Enjoy.

[Wolf Kanno]

Wow... I feel like I choked in this round

[Del Murder]

Let's get those votes in! There will be 3 finalists and 2 have pretty much been determined, but your votes might help that last person!

The final round will either be really fun or a big disaster. How's that for a teaser?

[Del Murder]

Ok results are in!

Flying Mullet - 4
Heath - 3
Momiji - 2
Wolf Kanno - 0
Vermachtnis - 0

Congrats to Flying Mullet, Heath, and Momiji for being our finalists!

Here is your final task. I hope you like it!

Your task is to create trolling thread in the FFVII forums! Very important, you must put in bold text at the top of your initial post that this is for the troll competition. Your thread can be about anything you want except the three topics that were your choice in round 2. Also, you must post at least 2 replies in your thread and at most 5 replies.

Once a few days after your thread has been up, or you have made your 5 replies, I will close the thread and we'll vote on who did the best. Let's hope things don't get too much out of hand here, but I think this has potential for fun. Past contestants and all others, feel free to participate in these threads as you please.

[Momiji]

Oooh, I like. I need some time to think up a good one, though.

[Flying Mullet]

Oooh, this sounds fun. Now to come up with a good trolling thread...

EDIT: Yeah, what Momiji said. xD

[Vermachtnis]

Good luck!

[Heath]

I will brave through my 30kb/s Internet speed to troll the Final Fantasy VII forum. Oh, my entire life has been leading up to this point.