An email dropped into my inbox. From Miss Aisha Keita, it was entitled. An email...from a GIRL? Hot sauce! Today's my lucky day, I thought! I will colour code these for your convienience, but also because any mass of text will get you all saying tl;dr. But throw in some pretty colours and EoFF's collective ritalin kicks in!

<b>From Miss Aisha Keita</b>

Dearest one,

Miss Aisha Keita is my name, i'm 19 years old, i am an ivoirien by nationality living here in Bingerville, Cote d'ivoire.

I got your email contacts here in asylum camp where I currently reside for refuge on my going through a magazine and decided to contact you with faith for this help. My sources of your contact gave me the courage and confidence to contact you. It is my pleasure to contact you sir though I have not met with you before pleading you for this help, but I want you to consider it as the will of God for my knowing who you are.

Permit me to introduce to you this project of transfering the sum of eight million three hundred thousand dollars ($8.3 million )This is to add that you should be benefited on 20% out of the total fund and extra 2% if any expense comes up during the process.

My father was a politician and my mother was a nurse but they were assassinated in our home due to the political crises here, i am the only survival because i was then at school in Ghana, a neighbouring country,but before my Parents were assassinated my father had earlier told me that he has eight million three hundred thousand dollars (U$8.3 million) in one of the security companies here in my country and he warned me not to tell anybody about it not even my school mates because it is a secret.

Therefore I said to introduce myself and see if you will stand in better chance to help me to retrieve and move this fund to your country, and after the transfer i will come over to meet you and we'll invest the money to any business of your choice under your control too since am still a little girl, and besides i will like to continue my study when i come there.

I will be anticipating to hear from you.

Best regards,

Miss Aisha Keita.

Good lord! Cote D'ivoire?! Why, this was somebody from Africa emailing me, how very exciting! Africa has lions and elephants and...my god! Do you think she has a pet elephant? This is the best! Anywho, apparently her parents were assassinated by some awful rogues, so she lives in an asylum camp where my email address is being passed around in magazines. Well that sounds perfectly reasonable. What's more, apparently there's a lot of money at stake, and I can share in the profits and be rich beyond my wildest dreams! What's the thought process behind this? I mean, really. "I am a vulnerable girl with a lot of money and many enemies, and sure, maybe my father told me I shouldn't tell anyone about it, but I saw an email address in a freakin' magazine (I think the only magazine I sent my email address to were some hardcore gay porn ones because I was looking to get laid by some bears) and I just had to blab!" Also oh ho, she is only a little girl. That's internet code for "I am a big burly man", which she probably actually is. Well, two can play at this game!

Fortunately, my alter ego, Penny Tratemay, (DO YOU GET IT? PENETRATE ME! Aisha won't get it because she's African and Africans are dumb) was there to step in and help her out!

<b>From Ms. Penny Tratemay</b>

Dearest two,

Miss Penny Tratemay is my name, i'm 28 years old, i am an English by nationality living here in Lower Bumblesmurf (Psy's note - EoFF filter ahoy!), England.

I was shocked. Shocked and perhaps I might even say AGHAST!!! in fact I shall. I was AGHAST!!! to read your email. Crisiseses in Africa-America? My word. Such horrible things. I had no idea. Yes yes what.

I, too, am an orphan. My parents were killed whilst fishing off the coast of Utah when a walrus assaulted their boat and devoured them. Terrible tragedy. The healing process is underway though Aisha. I am so sure that God has brought us, two orphan women, together. That and the sweet twelve and a half million dollaroonies with which I will buy lots of sports cars and dresses and jewellery and cakes.

So what's the good word, ya heard? How can I help.

Yours respectfulliciously,
Penny Tratemay.

Long story short, we've been emailing for a few months and we're good friends now. Still haven't seen a dime of that nine billion dollars though.