(Probably) For the Troll Competition
I've always been a fan of the really deep character development involved in some of the supporting cast like Reeve and Dio. I think it's great that the developers took advantage of the 'buy one, get 700 free' offer that was clearly on when they were picking characters out of the "oh no I've got a really dark mysterious past involving PAIN" (bargain) bin. Way to go, guys. Throw in the characters that even Dragonball Z and Clayfighter 63 1/3 wouldn't touch because they were too rancid and having been spawned from the diseased udder of the intellectual equals of Pamela Anderson.
The graphics are bloody great too. Given the characters are aimed at six year olds, I thought it was really good how they designed the characters to look like Naruto crossed with Lego. Is that a polygon in your hair or are you just pleased to see me, Cloud? Pleased to see me, a guy, because clearly Cloud along with 99% of the rest of the cast are homosexual. That 1% being Don Corneo who is clearly a Freudian metaphor for the problems of society, which is exactly the kind of 'I've had two Psychology lessons and half a lesson of Creative Writing at a liberal arts college' train of thought that the developers were high-fiving themselves over. Oh, and Corneo's gay too. I mean, the entire game is just the developers projecting their own fantasies into a computer game. Though 'game' is a misleading term, as it suggests that it's enjoyable. 'Sister Ray' - Yeah, no prizes for guessing what the developers had in mind when they designed that. I bet you felt really inadequate when you saw the Midgar Zolom.
But the music's good, isn't it? Especially if you fancy a change from listening to Limp Bizkit, Sum 41 or My Chemical Romance. Katy Perry seeming a bit highbrow for you? Why not dip into this games' music? Roll over, Beethoven. Take a hike, Handel. Back away, Bach. You're for the chop, Chopin. Nobuo Uematsu and his masterpiece 'one winged angel' is in town. Let's throw in a chorus, that makes it deep and meaningful. Just look at the Duel of the Fates. That really made The Phantom Menace a good film, right? And that's what FFVII is, The Phantom Menace of RPGs. I mean, I have some sympathy for Uematsu. You know, he knows his audience, which is a bunch of idiots who think that Beethoven is a dog, that Pink Floyd is a type of alcopop and that Electric Light Orchestra is a subsidiary of Bed, Bath and Beyond.
You know, I was going to talk about the ty plot too, but I really can't be bothered. Why are you still talking about this game? Why does anyone even care? Get a life, for God's sake and take an interest in something other than RPGs. Go play some sports or get an interest in politics or something.
Oh, and having a 'Obama-Biden' t-shirt that you wear on your way to your Anime Convention because your mum wouldn't let you go out dressed as Vincent 'I like Bullet for my' Valentine doesn't count.
So what's your favourite aspect of this pathetic excuse for a game?