Okay, i'm English too and i'm doing English Lit. & Lang. for A level, and I got quite good for my GCSEs so hopefully I can help lol

I haven't actually read the play, but I just wanna give you some pointers about structure. I'm sure your teacher has told you all about Point Evidence Analysis, which I can see that you are remembering as you write, however an essay is supposed to analyse the use of language etc. rather than retell the story, which is what I feel like you're doing, especially in your second paragraph. Always remember that the moderator knows the play inside out, and they aren't asking you what happens in the play, they're asking you to analyse it and its effect on the audience.

To do this you need to start thinking about analysing specifically what Shakespere is trying to convey. For example you could say things like 'Through use of language, a sense of genre is introduced in the prologue, 'star cross'd lovers' The use of the word 'lovers' implies to the reader that...' etc. And when you start your analysis of each quote, always remember what they have asked you to do and refer back to the subject which is, in your case, dramatic devices and qualities.

Also, in your introduction, try to avoid saying things like 'This essay will...' etc. Introductions are very difficult, but in order to make it sound more sophisticated and impress from the word go you need to introduce the subject impersonally.

And remember that it is a play, you can also make use of stage directions as they have an effect on the audience as well! Other than that though, I think you have a really nice way of writing and you could easily get a high mark if you just work at it.