The short ones:
Two guys walk into a bar.
You would think one of them would've seen it.
A rabbi, a Catholic priest, and an Imam walk into a bar.
All are offended by what they see.
Me and my friends are going camping this summer. It's gonna be intense.
The long one:
A man's mother-in-law just had a stroke, so he goes to the doctor to ask how she's doing. He says,
"Well, I've got good news and bad news."
"Give me the bad news first," the man replies.
"Although she survived, the stroke did some heavy damage. Your mother-in-law will live for a good while longer, but she's almost completely paralyzed. You will have to take care of her for the rest of her life."
"What do I have to do?" the man asks, in shock.
"Well, you're going to have to cart her around in her wheelchair all the time. She can't chew, so you'll have to spoon-feed her every meal in a form she can swallow. This may mean you have to chew her food then spit it out again. Finally, she's incontinent, so you're gonna have to drag her onto and off of the toilet every few hours so she can... do her business."
The man stares in horror, realizing he will have to do all of this for maybe another 20 years of his life. Finally, he says, "What's the good news?"
The doctor, laughing hysterically, manages to say, "I'm just messing with you, man, she died!"
The 'special' ones:
NOTE: Click the damn spoilers. It's not what you think.
Why is it sad when a car full of black people drives off a cliff? (SPOILER)They were all my friends.
How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on the bed? (SPOILER)Politely ask him to stop.
Why did the Mexican get a green card? (SPOILER)To legally enter the United States.
These are mostly for your own use, so you can get some laughs out of seeing how people react to them